Sunday, July 6, 2008

Insecure



Yesterday I was shopping at the mall with my mom and sisters. We bumped into some friends and we were chatting and having a great time. My little cousin looked up at me and asked, "What's with all the makeup?" His slightly scowled at me. I simply laughed and replied, "I like makeup." He said nothing and turned away. Then all the sudden, my aunt pulled me aside and whispered in my ear, " I want some of that money you're making from babysitting. I laughed. She added, "Is that why you're wearing all that makeup?" Again, I laughed not saying a word. I was starting to feel that maybe my makeup was too much and I began to feel horrible. I know what too makeup looks like on a girl- unattractive, clown, and a barbie doll. But me? Walking around looking like a barbie doll all this time without intentionally doing so? I guess I went a little wild with the eyeliner and glitter and my trip to the Sephora (makeup store) didn't make it look any better. The whole time I thought I was looking my best. I didn't think there was anything wrong with my makeup. Honestly. My aunt and cousin would not of pointed out my makeup if it wasn't too much. Now as stupid as I am, I can't even put on makeup well. All I want to do is to look pretty. That's all. That was truly my intention.

The reason why I wear it is because I look so plain without it. And, my hair is so crappy and such high maintenance that I have to look nice somehow. (My hair is natural. Curly/kinky soft and ugly. I can straighten it but that takes hours. I mean, it doesn't look disgusting, it looks... boring)My friend Evan told me that I have natural beauty, but I can't see that. I look terrible without makeup. Even when my family and I are going to functions my mom always tells me to put on more makeup on because, she can't even tell if I'm wearing some when I really did put makeup on. I wish I can talk to my mom about all this but I can't even come to her about it because well... I just can't. She had never given my me and my sisters a talk about makeup or anything. Nothing. I'm the eldest sister and I'm not much of a help when it comes to things like this because I end looking clueless as my sisters are. I can't even go to the park or even the market without makeup on. I just can't. I guess I'm more insecure than I thought I was.

When it comes to my body, I get super self conscious. My rear end is large, I'm "too petite", my boobs are too small, my feet too big, and my thighs are too much. I just hate the fact that guys have to look all the time. I know it's natural and normal but that's hard for me to understand. Even at school where we have uniforms and everything is covered, the boys still look. When a girl gets up from her seat the guys automatically look up and sexual thoughts race through their mind. When they see a flash of undiwear when a girl raises her hand or even see her bra through her shirt, they begin to struggle. The way girls dress is to blame too. We are part of the reason why guys lust. Some of us tempt them too much. I just hate, hate, hate, how some of them look so intensely, especially at the mall when some of them just sit and look and check out girls as they pass. Even the old men.
Looks do matter, but they don't matter the most. They matter because, that's what people can see. Simple as that. So whoever came up with the saying, "Looks don't matter" thanks for screwing up our way of thinking.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love your blog :)

Anonymous said...

Yeah I feel the same. It's natural for guys to look. Don't think about it too much. Hang in there. Maybe you should try opening up to your mom alittle.Nice blog.

ashleigh said...

thanks for your comment, love :) i really enjoyed reading this post.

andd.. i agree. i felt exactly the same way when i was 15. actually. i still feel this awkwardness with my body. never mind though, in a few years its actually more fun to be different than to just fit in.

i was never good with make up. never good with doing my hair or any of the girly things, my sister was. but i got the same reactions from my mum. trust me, everything has a way of sort of, settling in. don't stress the small stuff :)as for your aunty and cousin tell them to get over it, you were trying something different for once.

as the great coco chanel once said, "in order to be irreplaceable one must always be different".

Eva said...

Wow love your blog too! Nice pictures-very inpiring!!

ellie said...

A lot of us do need our face on in the morning to get ready for the day. Summer, however, just means makeup dripping off my face with all the humidity.

Pretty blog.

FASHION CHALET said...

Thank you for the lovely comment on my blog. And I just finished reading this article on your blog. I also love makeup, but it took a boyfriend (who was very blunt) to tell me once how I looked better in subtle makeup than anything over the top, he was right, I just got embarrassed when he said it. I also learned accenting one area on the face, ionstead of everything at once is the best for me too. For example, if I go heavy on my eyes, then light lipstick (like an almost clear gloss) and only bronze shimmer around the face, instead of rougey blush. I love Sephora too. I used to spend entire paychecks at makeup counters. There are always so many pretty new colors, products and they all have the cutest names..

Aurley said...

Wow! I loved this post- So much of it is true as well. I used to be a girl who honestly believed that looks meant nothing and purposely dressed badly or like I didnt care. I learned that got me nowhere.... And if your looking for makeup advice and shop at Sephora, Id suggest asking one of the makeup people in the middle of the store to help you. Its great! Its free, and they use products straight off the shelf and show you how to do a look right. Thats how I learned how to do a not-over the-top brown smokey eye. Thanks for the Metro Station comment as well~ It is a great summer song!
~Aurley

fierr said...

thanx for the compliment..:)yea..its true..most teenagers influence by bad ppl..its just pop out from my brain before I went to bed..owh yea my 1st school was boring..the principal talk talk & talk then complete all of our insurance,account,etc etc..& it made me sleepy..& the worst part is my xbf also taking this year batch..thank god he wasnt taking the same as my course..about the make up thinggy,dont worry what people say,its ur life..u can do what ever u want to do..:)

Anonymous said...

Heh, yeah I agree guys do tend to look. I mean everybody has flaws, human nature isn't perfect. And I know for one I sometimes completely obsess over my looks, because I feel people are going to stare at me, even though they probably won't. And others I can run into the store with just my boxer short's and cami at night and not have a care in the world. It just depends on my mood.

I think looks matter because it's sort of the equivalent of physical attraction with a guy, so he would be willing to approach you. But you have to have personality and wit to actually hold up a convo between a person. So I agree looks do matter in some sense, but they don't layout the most important thing who you are.

FASHION CHALET said...

I think it's fun to experiment with makeup, this way you can learn what you like and what you don't. I love Sephora and of course Chanel for makeup. (:

Anonymous said...

this is a cool blog

ellie said...

Thanks for commenting. Really enjoying your blog.

Anonymous said...

You have the best blog I've ever seen. Nice post. And I love ur music!

Cait said...

It takes work just to look low maintance for me..hahahahahaaaaa.

I do love my eye-liner.

cool post.

Miss G said...

Hey, thanks for the comment.

Looks do matter, no one can truely deny that. Guys are annoying, girls are insecure, and life is imperfect. I hope that people find real inner beauty, and base there assumptions on personalities. Not just for you, but for everyone.

Self confidence is tough stuff, many people share your problem.

LuxeCouture said...

Hey! Thanks 4 commenting on my blog and The Clique Trailer came out about a week ago. Nice blog btw
XOXO Buh-Laire :)

Unknown said...

We all get a little self --AWARE..like that..especially, when it comes to our behind.

Best on all your post. Loved the pic you used for this post.

Unknown said...

Aw honeypuff!
You look fabulous! Your picture says it all - you look fun, fashionable and stunning. you have a great face and a brilliant personality!
I know what you mean with the make-up but now you know you can tweak it a litte! ;) I always ask a friend what they think; someone who will be honest even if it's brutally. :S

Why not try these too;
http://www.wikihow.com/Apply-Makeup-Naturally

http://www.wikihow.com/Learn-to-Accept-Yourself

http://www.tut.com/about_nftu.htm

I swear - sign up to notes from the universe and you will feel brillaint! (I suppose "The Universe to me is a bit like God is to you?) You are a herion, a goddess and a gem in the rocks!
Yeah, and don't you ever forget it missus!
Forever loving you,
Vixxie.

FASHION CHALET said...

It keeps raining here :(
I want to go to Sephora too.
My latest addiction? The Secret Life of the American Teenager on abc family. Have you seen this??

FASHION CHALET said...

Summer = Rain. :( That sucks.
Yeah the show is really good. You can watch the first episode online (I just did about an hour ago) here:

http://abcfamily.go.com/abcfamily/path/section_Shows+Secret-Life-Of-The-American-Teenager/page_Video-Preview

What is Reality Anyway? said...

So right, and really--people should keep their thoughts on other peoples looks to themselves! It's in the eye of the beholder right?! :)

xx
K