Toxins

Crazy, cruel life. Blinded by tears mylife instantaneously   warped into a nightmare that wrecked the inner linings of my delicate soul. Nearly, suicide was dragging one of my closet family member into its web. I couldn't believe it when my best friend told me that grasping onto a bottle of pills would aile her stress and mend her deep wounds. No! I cry, weeping and hanging onto my best friends for dear life. I was on spring break then. I have never been so thankful for my loved ones who took care of me and my family member during this incredibly dark time of our lives. I've never felt so heartbroken, but I cannot imagine what my best friend is battling. 

This year has been a struggle for my family financially. My dad moved out of the  country a few years ago to launch his dream career. Initially, it was extremely difficult accepting the changes my family and I to endure for the longest time. There were moments when I could not even afford to go out with my friends because the money that I was making did not suffice for the week. My mother lost her job last summer so we are all dependent on my father. There is beauty in a struggle. Now, my dad's dream has begun. 

I've lost friends who were enemies in disguise. Opportunities arrived, grew, and shattered. I was convinced that I was developing an emotional disorder from the stress I was experiencing from school and home. I couldn't bare it. I felt emotions that rattled my bones. I try to forget about them like yesterday's news, but as a writer, when is that ever possible? 

I am not writing this post to complain about my year. Infact, I have many sweet treasures that I will never forget that happenedto me this year . I have a dear friend who generously made my dream come true by raising funds for me- all of them to compete in a big state pageant that I have always dreamt of. My favorite professor  in the world encouraged me to become a published author, a wild desire that I can never tame.  And, whenever someone asks me what my post grad plans are I get to whisper with a smile... "New city, new me. Possibly. Wait and see."

Merry Christmas

.Merry Christmas, world.

It's been such a fantastic break. I am thoroughly filled with joy on how God has blessed me with such sweet memories this Christmas season. I am savoring every second I have to explore different arenas in my life to prepare myself for the new year. As the sun rises and falls, I catch a glimpse of my 2014. 

My darkest year. Tomorrow, I will reveal the undergarments of my soul

My Christmas Wish

Dear Santa Claus,
As the year envelopes and the weather becomes crispy, I am sitting here and reflecting on my challenges, triumphs, tears, and smiles. I have grown yes, and there's nothing that I want more than to continue this growth. Christmastime is so beautiful, as you are very well aware. I adore the carols and the hearts that are so open to sharing their time and riches to guide those who do not have much. I have a lot to be grateful for as I lay down to rest in my warmest blanket every night. This precious season has such a unique and compelling way to open hearts. I believe we are all called to serve and take care of each other. We are all here-living, breathing, for a higher purpose. The flickering of bright Christmas lights and the beauty of heavily decorated trees are stunning to me. Sipping warm cocoa and dancing to old fashioned carols are the little memories that I will always relive. Jesus' birthday is full of joy to me, but I am aware that others do not share the same sentiment. I understand that this time of year can be rather difficult. With flashy dollar signs and the consistent reminder to spend, one can get lost in a maze as to what the true meaning of Christmas.
Santa, I want to thank you for prompting children to be nice instead of naughty. Kindness is a gem that everyone must have in their possessions. It is too bad that some adults cannot seem to follow this rule. My wish to you is to remind children and adults around the world that we are called to be angels to each other. I know it can be rather difficult and I would be painfully naive to think everyone would care about the rule. I am aware that perhaps, maybe this isn't possible. But, I'm wrapping this desire as my Christmas wish... regardless of what could really happen. God forms miracles. Jesus is our miracle. I have learned and from what God has said, not everyone will follow His will.
 Who is to say that  God told us to lose hope and stop praying?  Pray with me, Santa.
Love, Rose

The Makeup Brush

The power behind the makeup brush is quite amazing to me. As a woman who feels strongly about the art of makeup, I think these foundations, blushes, lashes, colors, can truly transform the face of a human being. It is actually frightening how an assortment of  paint can form a new picture. I enjoy makeup because it enhances the features of the individual. Every eye color, bone structure, and eye shape is so beautifully traced.I think make up is alluring and personally, strange and wonderful things happen when I work on myself from the outside in. The glamour of makeup lures me in. Makeup and confidence are distant cousins. Why must our appearances replace  our birth names? Our names are meant to be used to form an identity, not these temporary objects that we use. 

Makeup is a form of art that I have much respect for. This tool is not meant for hiding. Like an artist, one must conjure a plan or layout as to how they would like their portrait to be seen amongst the world. Make up can cover up flaws, not envelope them. The only mask I would ever wear are the clay ones to smooth my skin. I have nothing to shield from the world, except for my naked soul. My authenticity isn't measured by the makeup that I wear, but the words that I share and the actions I display. My paint is my accessory when I wake up in the morning. Shaming women in using these intricate pieces of makeup is useless. I encourage anyone using safe and harmless tools to make them feel at peace with how they present themselves to the world. Not wearing makeup does not place a woman on the highest throne. Women are gorgeous with or without these paints. Be fear from judgement and create your own portrait. Our bodies are canvases. We make the ultimate decision to contour, highlight, and carve whatever we like.  After all,the flesh of freedom is choice. 

. 

Do you see what I see?

Never let the challenges of your daily life blind you from the sunlight that God has for you at the end of the tunnel. We were never promised an easy life, but victories are not selective. We were given the choice to fight or flight. Never underestimate the power of hope, faith, and love. You owe it to yourself. 

Each day that you wake up and your mind rattles to determine the day, the time, and what needs to get done, remember that you were created for a purpose. 

You matter. 

Get up, grab your coffee and let the world know who you are. If you don't know who you are, get down on your knees before you sleep at night. Study how your heart cries, breaks, and smiles. We only have one life to live. Don't waste it not knowing who you are. Because if you don't know... No one else could.  I urge you to never define your heart by earthly standards. These standards are sugar traced with dirt. You are enough.

Always. 

Beauty, is your name

Alas, my binders and schoolbooks have been shoved under my bed for the rest of the year. Out of sight, out of mind. My hands have been itching to write for days. However, my degree that I have cried, cursed, smiled, and laughed over is literally at my finger tips. I am proud of myself and I have five months to continue to do my best and embark into the real world. As I am sitting here writing, I have a piece that I would like to share. Her name is you. Beauty.
Ladies, I'm talking to you. Put down your cellphones and tone out the world for three minutes. Here it goes.
Beauty and the art of the human body have forever been praised and worshiped One simply cannot commit a falsehood and say their mind never went to static after spotting a beautiful body. Sight can send emotional and powerful messages to our minds. However the human body we must never forget, has been robbed, beaten, abused, and ridiculed. Something that we have  been blessed with has been taken advantage of. Victims or not, neglecting the fragility of the human body is a disgrace.  And beauty. My, such power it has. It can fetch you anything that you want. Scary, isn't? Instead of peering into souls and truly understand our own psyche, some are busy peering into magazines filled with fantasies. Perfection has reeled people in and twisted their emotions.  It is sucking everything out of them from the wallet to the threading of self-esteem.The needle to the thread is lost.
As the famous and exceedingly glamorous Victoria Secret Fashion show airs, to my distraught I see women scatted all over social media bashing and shaming their own gift- their bodies. There is just something so gorgeous and breathtaking about the female body. But why is it so impossible for people to understand that there is more than one form of beauty? These angels are stunning, but they do not dim the light of other women. Impossible! Are we not from the same Creator?
Women crave  to be desired. Especially by the ones we are madly in love with. Shamefully, it has been internalized that a woman's worth is measured by her physical features instead of watching the way she laughs, why she cries, and how the natural and  nurturing, spirit of her very own being actually rescues this planet.
Money is the cavity of this world. With this green little monster, one can obtain the highest form of beauty standards. I say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of yourself through trainers, makeup and hair artists, and the like. In fact, I encourage this kind of self care. However, feeling your best is vital and by consuming our lives by the physicality of the human body, we are feeding into the darkest forms of insecurity. Insecurity robs and embezzles. It truly ruins everything.
I've been there. I know what heartbreak feels like.
Do not let this world push you to break your own heart. We are worth more than this, ladies. At our deathbeds, our last heart beating second, we will not thing of such things such as our scales. Really, at the feet of the Lord? We are going to measure our lives by how pretty we were by earthly standards? Goodness, no. Say thank you graciously when someone calls you beautiful. Do not deny something that belongs to you.

Love Letters

Romance.
To me, is more than kisses over coffee and sharing  laughter and tears over boxes of pizza.
Year one. Clad in a frilly pink cardigan, I met you.
You flashed me a nervous grin and you looked like a prince in your royal blue hoodie. Instantly,my heart grew aflame with infatuation for you. My meal that night tasted like love. When you are feeling elevated with such happiness, your body transform into something not even your mind could ever comprehend.  That was me and I didn't have the slightest idea on what to do.I was breathless when you looked at me, our facial exchanges were worth more than a diamond ring. My heart fluttered ridiculously when I spotted your name dance across my cellphone screen.
Year three.
How beautiful our emotions are. We have wept and stormed because of each other. Passion is the leash of love. You redefined the title 'bestfriend'. Your name is written in gold and traced with love in my dictionary.
Te amo.  My love letter.
The beauty of the future is that its  a mystery  full of spirals and victories that are decorated with the soul of stories. We can either hide them or remain speechless. The mystery of it all is stunning, but the wind never blows in the same direction. You're no surprise though.
I want to share everything with you, even my favorite french fries. Your name dances in my dreams and rescues  me in my nightmares. Because of this passion, I am crazy. My heart can grow into a furious envy if another women stole your attention, even for a moment. Don't ask me how  and why I react the way I do. Just stare into my eyes and see your reflection in me. Madly. Insanely. Deeply.
 I treasure your flaws and cradle perfections. Your toughness and softness are my favorite melodies. So sweet, so hard, so fresh.
Your "Are you okay?" text messages are my 911. Your protection tumbles down all of my walls- these fire fighters don't have anything on you.
Sunshine, rainbows, and tornadoes.
I can be irate with my eyes spilling with tears and then I'll adore you within seconds. "You're crazy, my mind titters.  But you're so in love."
My heart only speaks 3 languages:  My God, my dreams, and you.

1 New Message

I believe that parts of our past can seep into our present, because God has a lesson that's unfinished. It is amazing when one door closes and while you're behind a new one, the very same door that you closed, opens again.  Then, you look back with a scowl and think, What? Didn't I close this door?

Recently, an old memory tempted me to think a little bit harder. I left this person, this door shut for years. It's amazing how one message can change an entire perspective. I've learned that some people come, go... And return.  I believe we, as people, are constantly being tested. There's room to pass and there's room to fail. 

I don't want these memories. I don't want to ponder about a simple message. It bothers me to the core. The curse of being a writer is that words resonate in me like a repetitive rap song. It just won't go away. I'm passing this test though. I will not fail and jeopardize everything good that I have in my life. I think God is trying to make sure that I'm using the strength that He blessed me with. He is telling me that it is okay to be friends with someone you have forgiven.

Self Care

Finally. I have time to write.
Well, I actually don't have the time to blog, but I take self-care very seriously. As I merge into the last full week of school, I find myself drowning in an ocean of assignments that I failed to complete ahead of time. Despite all of the last minute assignments, I am feeling at peace. Peace is such a powerful emotion that can be diminished in seconds. The beauty of peace is that it is completely and utterly in our control. No matter what kind of schedule my life tosses at me, I never hesitate to grab my gym bag and hit the door. I surf Pintrest, chat with my mother, and text my love ones throughout the day when I make the time to free my mind. Consistently, I make wholesome and healthy good food choices that will allocate the energy I need to smile and conquer the day before sunrise. Self care requires effort and our souls would thank us in the long run. I get up in the morning and prepare breakfast while tending to my hair and makeup. Assignments, meetings, and the like are important, but we mustn't forget that our health- mentally and physically require our attention as well. Life can bring us down, but we can bring ourselves up by taking care of the inside. I had a paper due Monday, today along with a test, and for the rest of the week I have papers demanding my attention. I refuse to let school distract me from my holiday joy. It's Christmastime and having a moment to enjoy a Charlie Brown cartoon  or a little therapy is absolutely shameless in my book. I start my vacation a week from today and I am  most elated to blog daily and share what is written on my heart.
Goodnight.

Who are you again, Rose Valentine?

Six years ago when I started this blog, I discovered bits and pieces of myself that I was hiding from the woman who was blinking right back at me in the mirror. Six years ago, I was afraid of my own intense emotions. I was afraid of what people could do to me.
Now, as a new woman I want to talk about how this blog has helped me grow, presently. I think it is very important for all of us to recognize who we are when we wake up in the morning, and not at the end of the day based on how people  interacted with us. How sweet is it to lay down to sleep, realizing that your own flaws were not used as weapons, just because someone viewed you as distasteful? Knowledge is  empowering. When we walk into a room, head held up high, and with ears ready to listen, we become better people. Cliche indeed, but the way we think truly affects how we treat other people. I like to know how people think and feel because it helps me become more aware of how life works. It's not all about us as individuals. God created us in communities for a reason.
 I am extremely open as you can see. Even books get envious. I'm kidding, but I believe my desire to connect with people contributes as to why I am not afraid to be vulnerable.
Me.
I am a woman who isn't afraid to feel, but a 21 year old college student who doesn't understand her own future. I am a human being who is emotional, but views it as a strength because I know how to love shamelessly. I am an adult who loves adventure, but aware of the fact that my faith is a necessary shield.
I look forward into growing more and more each time I post on here. This is my cure, another desire fulfilled to connect.

Everything

Writing is everything to me. Time and time again, I told myself that I would keep up with this blog all of college.  I haven't done that, clearly. Last night I made the decision to blog religiously on here. This blog is so precious to me.

Boy, was I broken. And my, how powerful God's miracles are. As I'm sitting here quietly, savoring every bite of my Thanksgiving ice cream, I'm reflecting on how I can grow stronger with this blog that is so near and dear to me. 

Last night I was at a movie night with Brad Incredible and our friends. That's when I rediscovered this blog. Something was pulling on my heart strings to try again. I read a lot of my old posts on here. It was a bit painful yet relieving on how much I revealed and wrote about  the darkest and happiest pieces of my teenage life. I am a different person now, singing songs of hope. I look into the mirror and see failures that have given me sense of self. Victories are the delicate rose petals on a stem, but the failures are the stems in my life that push me to keep myself together. I no longer cry myself to sleep. 

My heart aches for my teenage self. I wish I could tell her so many things that were not so important then and still aren't. Lately, people from my past have been hauting me, giving me signals that are conflicting my emotions.  What is this? Who are you? I am a woman who loves to move on. And move on quickly. Insecure? Heavens, no. It takes strength to let people go. I believe people are meant to stay for a season, and everything happens for a reason.

Life tells me that our lives are stories. Written with characters- you, your family, your friends, everything. These stories, our lives are written daily. Even the memories we cling onto can become our newest chapter. Life is the funniest thing on earth that can make us cry. 

Everything has changed. 

I am a woman who knows who she is, not dwelling on what I ought to be. I'm strong now,blog world. Let me recite the lyrics to my new song. 

I am worthy. I can do this. I am loved.