Friday, October 31, 2008
It's Halloween!!! I'm not trick or treating this year. I haven't since eighth grade. All of my friends are going to the football game and I like football so, that's how I'm going to spend my Halloween. I'm not really into this holiday. Not really. I'm not really into "scary" stuff and all that. I'm more into Christmas- the closure, family, love, and joy. Anyway, this week whizzed by like any other week. I got my interims(middle semester grade report) and my grades are just average- four a's and two b's. I went to the Bible study at my school for the first time and I loved it. I learned alot and I had a great time. It was just us girls and the campus minster who runs the club, is such a teenager. I love her.
I don't know.... I feel fine now but I've been going through a lot of personal issues lately- issues with myself. (If that makes any sense) I've been talking to my big sister, Jessica about life in general and of course the topic ends up to boys and dating. I'm trying to discover myself, my readers and I am struggling. Whenever I talk to Jessica, I always get a mindful. I learn so much from her. ( She really isn't my big sister- She's a close friend). I'll post what Jess and I have been talking about. But, I'll tell you this- I'm falling behind in life. I am so happy that this month is coming to an end. This was probably the worst month ever. Things went horribly wrong and back to normal. September was the time of my life. Really. If you have been with me for a long time, you would know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I didn't get my backhandspring down( by myself) at cheer this week. :/ It's kind of frustrating. I've been doing this since July. Oh and guess what? Wednesday night I was at my church's "pizza and prayer" group and as I was writing a letter to God about my heartbreak, my phone vibrates. And in that letter, I told God on how (despite the "broken feelings" that I have for Chris) I still would like for him to call or text or facebook message me someday soon. Just to let me know that I'm still on his mind from time to time.Well, anyway, I ignored the text till the end of the session, and continued to write. At the end of the writing session (and as I was waiting for my ride) I took a look at my phone and guess who's name pops up?
Whoa. That was totally unexpected.
I honestly thought that (despite the fact of him saying that he wants to be friends) he would never contact me ever again. It felt weird for awhile not talking to him. When we were together and even we were just friends, I would always wait by the phone or at least have the phone nearby just incase he called.(which was often) It use to be a habit. My phone is silent, but I'm use to that now.
"Hey buddy how are you?"- Chris
"I'm great! And u?"- Me
"I'm good just chillin- Chris
"Cool. How's soccer?"
"Its good. How is cheer going for u?- Chris
"Its good. It's getting better."- Me
And, that's just about it. It'll probably be awkward for him to talk to me on the phone. For some reason, I have a feeling that Chris hasn't exactly moved on as much. Hmm... well it's all in the past now.I don't think of him much. Not anymore. God has healed me and mended my broken heart completely. The hurt is not there. I'm now concentrating on other things and also meeting some new guys.(part of Jess's discussion. post later) I've decided that I should date, as in casual dating instead of doing the official "boyfriend and girlfriend." I mean, I would like to meet someone new. I don't know... I just can't help but feel a tiny bit jealous of Mel and her new guy Spencer, as well as Savannah and Nick. (who started going out the same day Chris and I did)Mel is just casually dating Spencer though. I'm jealous of Mel on how Spencer's been taking a lot of interest in her. It reminds me on how I use to feel. But before, I stat to get to know other guys, I first need to find my identify through God and actually know what I'm looking for in a guy. (It's going to take time. I'm shy around just about anybody. Especially boys and I don't communicate well with them at all. Not all the time)I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I want. I'm ready for it. Besides, one bad experience can't just throw me off.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I have a God- given gift to write. People have told me that before, and I'm not trying to brag or sound conceited. (I don't like talking about my strengths. I always feel like I'm bragging) I've always loved to write. I started at nine years old and I would use computer paper and I would draw pictures. Each year, my writing improved. My vocabulary became fluent and colorful and of course, I stopped drawing because that is definitely not one of my strengths. I became more sophisticated with my writing. I usually wrote about friendships and innocent romances (I'm a total romantic as you all probably know) and now I use faith, friendship, drama and romance. Words come easily to me. I don't mind writing essays (actually depends on the topic) for school and it doesn't take me long to put my ideas on paper. I dream of becoming famous for my words. I definitely have weaknesses in writing. I'm very good with a character's emotions and everything, but when it comes to describing the place like a setting I struggle for a bit. I'm more of a emotional person. I don't hide what a feel and I get in tune with my emotions and my characters. I can tell you how I feel. Well, actually I can write what I feel but sometimes with speaking I am weak. I have a good speaking voice- I've been told so, but everything else is alright.
Anyway, I had a good day today. Nothing went horribly wrong, thank goodness. It's kind of funny- my teachers have been really nice to us sophomores lately. As some of you probably noticed, I'm updating more. I've been getting very little homework for the past two weeks I think? Wow. No complaints there. I have cheer in about an hour. Yay. :) Wish me luck. I need to get my backhandspring down.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I need to get out more. Start hangouts and basically spend more time with my friends. That's kind of hard when you don't have a license or a car. :/ Makes me kind of sad in a way. I was so terribly bored Saturday night. EVERYONE was at Netherworld expect for me. I didn't even get to go to my sister's band competition. I got to go shopping though. :) But still. I got to go the gym and I honestly think I did something to my body. :/ My left leg feels funny and I woke up with a very sharp pain. I think I overdid it. Anyway, I'm having a fantastic day today. I'm going to church and youth group tonight. I feel much much better... about everything. :) I know I've mentioned him THOUSAND TIMES, but I am definitely getting over him. Not talking to each other helps alot, actually. It's helping the both of us to move on. Apparently, he's single now and that whole "It's complicated with so and so" was probably a joke or something. Wow, way to overeact, Rose. *roll eyes* I don't know, but according to Melanie Chris hasn't moved on. (So, yeah most likely it was a joke)Well, she told me that on Wednesday...
I forgive him. I honestly do and I am willing to be friends with him. What happens in the past stays in the past. He's a great guy. Chris has so many good qualities and he has an amazing personality. And not to mention, he's very gorgeous. Hahaha it sounds like I'm crushing on him, but I'm really am not. Many of you probably think Chris is a jerk, but he really isn't. He just made a huge mistake. And, he really wants to be friends with me. Right now, I'm waiting for him to give me a call... which will probably won't be anytime soon. Evan and I were texting today, and she brought Chris up and we were just talking about it. Evan helps alot. She's one of my best friends. I tell her everything.
She made me feel alot better. After all, the break up was a week ago and well, I totally feel a lot better than I did last Sunday- that's for sure.My broken heart is mending. I'm not hurting as much, almost not at all. There's a guy out there somewhere for me. This time, I'm letting God take control. I think, maybe Chris and I were too perfect for each other. Savannah thought we were going to marry someday. But anyway, no more Chris Angel talk on here. (Not to mention boy talk. I won't trouble you about my embrassing moment at PacSun with these two goodlooking college guys. Ugh. Boo.)I mean it. Unless something new comes up. Anyway, there's really nothing much to say my readers. I have cheerleading tomorrow and hopefully, my legs won't give away.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
- Forming a stronger relationship with God and Jesus
- Moving on(I'm feeling much better :). It gets better each day)
Anyway, I just got back from the football game and my school dominated. Yay! The Golden Lions are undefeated. We're 8-0. Oh yes. :) It was terribly freezing and it was the student area(we the highschoolers and middleschoolers hangout) was half empty. I hung out with Evan throughout the whole game and we had fun, although we wished we have gone shopping instead. A group of guys from the school we were playing against called me over. My friend Stephanie was hanging out with them and she called my name. Evan and I were standing on the top steps and seeing Stephanie with those guys made me frightened, so I didn't come. The boys figured that, so they all began to call out my name and they raced up the stairs to meet me. "Rose!""Rose!" Oh. my. gosh. There were like, fifteen of them.
I started to freak out like crazy and they all surrounded me at once. I was shaking all over. The guys were ghetto and were certainly looking at me inapporiately. I didn't know what to do. Evan quickly backed away from the scene. I just laughed nervously the whole time. They began to introduce themselves and one perve grabbed my arm, trying to pull me close and looked at me like I was some piece of meat. I tried to let go gently, but I was laughing nervously still so the guy didn't take me seriously. He looked young- probably a freshmen or an eighth grader. "You got a phone?" He asked, huskily eyeing me with lust. "Yeah." I replied, giggling shaking all over. Oh goodness.
"Can I have your number?"
I don't think that's necessary."
I responded to his question while I was laughing, so he didn't take me seriously. I'm so stupid. I was so scared of them. I didn't know what to do. I should of told them to back away. Stephanie saved me at that point. She pulled me away. " Why can't I have your number?" The boy cried out. " Because she has a man." Stephanie snarled. The boy looked thoroughly disappointed. "Oh." He said, and he turned away.Stephanie lead me away from the crowd. "Let's go Rose." We walked away and I frantically looked for Evan. "I shouldn't of called your name, Stephanie said apologetically, when we found Dennis and Evan talking in a corner. Ya think? Those guys were scary. I passed the boy who asked for my number during the game, and he playfully punched me on the back with a smile then checked me out again. I nearly gagged. I'm so weak. I should of told him off. "Get away from me,you pervert!" I should of shouted to him. Seriously, I was frightened of them.My school doesn't have a huge stadium, so I always saw the guys around. They wanted me to participate in their stupid dance battle. No way.
&& for some reason my readers, I liked the attention. I didn't like the fact that the guys were all looking at me impurely, but I liked the fact that I caught their eye(in the sense they wanted to talk to me. that's what I mean. not the checking me out part) and wanted to introduce themselves to me.
I'm an idiot.
Maybe Chris is lonely or something.I'm officially allowed to date and be in a relationship next year, my junior year of highschool. Telling my parents about Chris (when were started to be in a relationship) was kind of difficult because I basically broke the rules. My mom ended up not caring anyway. Actually, it was easier to tell my parents about the break-up. Is that bad? Is that a sign or something?My mom brought Chris up on the car ride home from school and she thinks all of "this" isn't that big of deal. "It's a learning experience, Rose." Yes, but I guess she doesn't know how I attached I was and how my heart's desire is to be loved.
I definitely spending sometime with God and with myself this weekend. I can't go to Netherworld with my friends, because my sister has a band competition and I want to be there to support her. On Sunday, I'm going to shopping and I'm going to see Highschool Musical by myself. Evan may come along, but I would rather be by myself on that day. Then, I will go to evening Mass and youth group.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I must say, alot of my friends have gone through alot of crap lately. Lexi's boyfriend cheated on her countless times and our so-called friend Dennis made up some big "famous" story about some things and lied to not only Evan's(because she was involved) face but to everyone else's. I mean, really. Boys keep stepping all over us. I don't know us girls are paying attention to them anyway. It's like they don't care how we feel- we'll at least some of the boys I know don't. They keep hurting us. And please don't tell me, "Well they're fifteen years old and blah blah. No. Age has nothing to do with respect. As teenagers, we should know how to act and treat people right. Honestly I think I should just calm down and move on. Yes, the hurt and shame still lies beneath my heart. I can't seem to get rid of it and I can't stop thinking about what happened. I still want those text messages and those phone calls. Maybe it's the attention I miss. Or maybe, just maybe I still feel the same why I did. It's time to move on- it's been time but, I just can't. It takes time. A part of me still has those foolish feelings for him. I don't know why I'm taking this so hard. I got rid of the stuff he gave me. Before I left for school I took the corsage and his bracelet that he gave me, went outside and tossed it into the woods."You just have to get over it." Evan had told me earlier at lunch today. "There's nothing you can do." True. So very true. What's done is done.
Chris wants to be my friend. According to Melanie, he really really wants to be my friend."If he does, then why hasn't he called you?" Evan snarled.I remember him telling me that he didn't want to lose me. "Why did he cheat then?" Evan also snapped. I should say no to Chris, but I want to say, "Yeah sure. Whatever." The trust bond however, is not there. What's wrong with me?! Melanie asked what my viewpoint on all this was. I just shrugged. Then she said that Chris told her that our friendship was going well. Um what? I rolled my eyes and shook my head when I heard this. What friendship?
Gosh, get over this Rose.
I am sadly still attached to Chris Angel I guess. :/ He was really something else you know? Also according to Melanie, (Melanie is his bestfriend-our bestfriend by the way) Chris hasn't moved on. Okay... what's up with the relationship status then? All of my friends are very upset. Actually the right word to use is pissed. Some of them want to add him on facebook and tell him off. I told them no. I don't want to talk trash about him and start all sorts of drama on facebook.(My sister has started quite a bit of that already. As people know, my sister can be really sweet but can get verbally aggressive if you mess with her or her friends. She's a very tough girl. People know not to mess with her)
I don't talk bad about him when people ask what happened. Why should I? Listen, he's not a bad person. Yes, what he did was terrible but that decision that he made doesn't automatically give him the "bad guy" label. I know he's good. Maybe that's why I'm still attached. But for some reason, I find it very difficult to pray for him. When I say, "Lord please bless Chris Angel, etc..." my heart doesn't flutter anymore. I still pray for him though. Everyday.I have to confess, I was very angry when I found out he moved on two days after our break-up. For some reason though, I feel terrible-like I've done something wrong. Maybe I told too many of my friends about what happened. My sister has just about told the whole world(well the freshmen girls at least.) I hate the fact people asked me about my break-up at school. Facebook is terribly nosy. I'm so pathetic. I should stop thinking, talking, and writing about this anyway. I'm feeling way much better though. And, I know one thing's for sure- Jesus is the only man who will never break my heart. God will heal me. But anyway... tomorrow is Friday! :) Football game!!! And, Savannah invited me to go to Netherworld on Saturday with a bunch of people and afterwards, the girls would sleep over at her house. I took the invite gladly. Netherworld is SUPER scary. Major. I am deathly afraid of that haunted house. I went there last year and I almost DIED. I still want to go though. I need to escape for awhile.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The happiness is slightly wearing off. I'm feeling distant from God again. My heart is not opening up at Mass(That's what us Catholics call church service) and I'm not going to daily Mass anymore. I don't know why. My spiritual high is not so high anymore. I'm losing it. Things are getting back to normal. And, in my case that's a terrible thing. My life is totally different now. For a long time I felt close to Christ after the retreat and now... I'm drifting off. I need to get back on track. I need to pray more. I need to spend more time with God. Pray for me, readers.
School's a mess. Kids are drinking. Lexi is hanging with the wrong crowd and one of my other friends Audrey gets wasted... for fun. Homecoming drama sucks. But, it's all over now. Chris and I went to Homecoming and we had fun. He gave me my first kiss and we had the times of our lives. He asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course I said yes. Then...
He cheats on me.
Chris Angel cheated on me. He was at his cousin's party last Saturday and there was some girl who had a crush on him and she kissed him. And, Chris kissed back.
He called me the next day- Sunday(this past Sunday) and told me all this. It was early Sunday morning. About nine. He also told me how we rushed into a relationship and how we should of stayed friends longer. He said the distance(we lived 35 minutes away and we don't have a license or anything and with gas and all that...) was too much. He also said that he had alot of school and soccer going on and his friends were pressuring him to break up with me because we just met. It's true. We rushed. Chris is right about everything. But, of the fact of him actually deciding to cheat on me hurts. It hurts so bad. I was wreck yesterday. I cried on and off all day. The pain was real. I was so emotionally drawn into the relationship. I now understand the pain of a broken relationship. Even Lexi and my sister started to cry. Chris Angel, the boy we all thought was flawless. I never thought he would hurt me like that. I am glad he actually dialed my number and told me what happened. But, he doesn't care about me. At all. If he did, then he would've kissed that other girl. Chris basically told me that he chose to kiss the girl. He could of backed away. He give into pressure. Honestly, if I were in that position and a guy was trying to kiss me and if I were in a relationship, I would slapped him across the face and tell him to get lost because I have a boyfriend. Believe it. I always think of him. When I'm around other guys I didn't flirt or anything. I actually thought of him, because I cared. Everyone thought we were going to last for a long time. Our monthversary would of been on his birthday-November fourth. We had plans.(I was going to bake him a soccer birthday cake and then we were going to take a walk and go to Sonic for lunch. I was going to spend the whole day at his house) Which is also Election Day.
He told me that he would kiss me when Obama wins. I can't believe Chris hurt me. All those sweet phone messages, all those sweet things he would say to me. I thought he actually cared. He sang to me, called me beautiful, and told me he would take care of me. "Angel" by Jack Johnson is the song he dedicated to me. I'm deleting that off my ipod. The corsage he gave me on Homecoming and his bracelet he gave to me on our first date has to be dumped. I'm not mad. Believe it or not. I wasn't mad on the phone either. Honestly, I took all this well. I understood, I listened. Of course I cried, but it wasn't melodramatic. I didn't yell or get angry. I'm sad not mad. I couldn't even admit to anyone that he cheated until today. Until I talked to one of my good friends Jessica, and she gave me the cold hard truth. And you know what? I forgive him. I told him on the phone too. I honestly do forgive him. He was relieved that I took all of "this" well. "Rose, you're taking this so well..." Chris told me he still cares about me and he still has feelings for me. And that he didn't want to lose me as a friend at least. I'm starting to believe that he lied to me. He doesn't care about me. Oh my heart was so broken. So so broken. The break up was not a good one. He said that we could just "date" or just be friends. He wanted to leave that up to me.
I said just friends. He accepted and hung up. I woke up this morning and it hit me- the break up. I cried. Chris is no Prince Charming. And, he's not pure either. Sure he says "no" to premartial sex, but that's not just not it, you know what I mean? Purity is more than that. It's more than saying "no" to sex before marriage. Cheating and lying in a relationship is not purity. It's called being unfaithful. He admitted that what he did was totally wrong and unfaithful. "I'm sorry I hurt you like that Rose." He obviously likes that other girl. After all, no one would kiss someone they don't like. I wouldn't. It's funny how he said that I was all he ever wanted and how he wouldn't hurt me. It's funny how people say things and everything is screwed up. Chris Angel hurt me. I thought he was the most amazing guy I met. He use to be all I ever wanted. All of my friends are shocked. Melanie, his best friend said, "That's so unlike him!" He has no idea how much he hurt me. He's already moved on. I texted him after school and I got these weird vibes that he didn't want to text me at all. He asked me if I was okay and for a moment I got happy. "Omigosh he cares!" I exclaimed. I texted back and told I was fine (not really) and I told him I was worried about him yesterday and that I really wanted to talk to him. Chris's response: "I'm good. I only want to keep you as a friend ya know." My response: "I know."
Ouch. Yeah, but now I could care less. Jessica made me realize that Chris is not the one and that I deserve much better. I mean, he's not a bad person. He just made a bad decision, just like he said. And now, when I picture us kissing or at least try to, I see nothing. The memories are fading. I don't even want to be his friend. How can I trust him to be a good friend if he cheated on me? My first kiss? My first boyfriend? We were only together for two weeks. I told him everyhing. We got super close. I told him some private stuff too. But hey, does that really matter? My sister is ticked. Really ticked. I got too attached. Chris said he got attached too.
That doesn't matter. I'm going to delete that voice message and those meaningful text messages. They're all soo sweet. But I know there's a guy out there who is truthfully and honestly pure and much more sweeter than Chris. And that guy would be better. I can't save Chris's stuff if I want to move on. " God will heal you." Chris told me, quietly. God is the only one who can mend my broken heart. I'm okay now though. You guys won't hear about Chris ever again on here. It's over. After all this crap I don't even want to be in another relationship, or just "date" any guy for that matter. I can't see myself with anyone. I was a total wreck Sunday. I even left church early. I couldn't focus. So, I'm tossing the bracelet and the corsage out the window and those diary pages I will keep because, he's not all what I wrote about anyway. He was my first entry though and I read that to him. I read almost everything to him-well the stuff that I wrote about him. I didn't do anything wrong. I was good to him and he was good to me. Till Saturday. Whatever.
So things are back to normal and that song is playing in my ears as I type. Man. Break ups suck.
Please comment. And tell me what you think.
Note:10/22: Chris has a new girlfriend. I'm pretty sure he does. His relationship status went from "single" to "It's complicated with....
Wow. I found out on facebook. When I saw that I cried.