Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear December

Dear December.
Well, aren't you just so beautiful?
It's Christmas, there's love, there's hope.
And guess what, December?
I think I've discovered myself.
I've lost two people who were in my life- one was a friend of a lifetime, and the other was more of a friend and he was a very bad, bad, egg. This bad egg was getting so rotten, that I really had to throw it out, because he was eating away my heart. However, I was not planning on breaking ties with a friend. I tried not to cry about it. All I can do is pray and hope everything's alright.
December, I've learned that I'm terribly sensitive. But I feel like that helps me be compassionate towards others. I've also learned that modeling has really made me self-conscious to the point that I'm constantly fussing over my makeup and appearance. It's sad, because I'm insecure. I even redo my makeup at school. I'm never really satisfied. But other than that, I'm feeling okay.
And December, I'm blessed with an angel. Seriously.Honestly. Truly...
Let's hope this isn't a trap.
My 11:11 wish...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Beautiful Christmas

Gosh, there's so many things to do in this life God has blesses us with.
It's just simply so... beautiful.
I really wish I've realized this before. But God has been waiting for me to pour my heart into His. And I have....
All over again. It's the perfect feeling. So so so perfect.
Life is hitting me good. I'm graduating from highschool in five months. I must say, I will never ever forget these precious four years. I know as I get older, I would want them back. And I have so many dreams, goals, and ambitions that are hungrily lurking through my mind. They are ready to be born. But, I can't do anything without Christ. He gives me all strength. Make God your best friend, love.
It's the best feeling in the world.
I see a beautiful sunrise, sunset, or the glistening pouring rain and I smile from the beauty of it all...
It's God.
I am not an outdoors girl, and I will only go camping in a cabin, but I cannot deny that God's nature makes me think. Boy! When I see something pretty out there, my mind spins like a wheel with all sorts of memories. Even when I hear a pretty singing voice, I begin to think.I am aware that I think differently than most people.
My Christmas wish will be to never lose sight of Christ and His love.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Holiday Happiness

I literally woke up this morning with a smile on my face.
I'm just feeling really happy, I'm enjoying life.
Everything's going wonderfully. I praise God everyday.
I got out of an unhealthy relationship by the grace of God and I couldn't be happier.
I am surrounded by friends who I love ever so dearly,and we're enjoying every bit of our senior year.
It's Christmas, loves.
Don't forget about Jesus.
I apologize for my lack of updates. Time is out of control. But now that I am on break, expect a lot more updates.
I promise.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thankful

Thankyou Mom and Dad for raising me into a young lady.
Thankyou sisters for making me smile and laugh every single day.
Love, thankyou for breaking my heart and making me stronger.
Highschool, thankyou for helping me see the good and the bad.
Most importantly, thankyou God for giving me this life to live. I love you so much. You have given me so many angels.
And life, thankyou for the adventures. I hope I have many more to come. I am the tackler on the field.
Bring it.
I hope everyone is doing well. I'm trying to blog more often now. I have so much to say and I don't want all the words to go away...

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Fifteen

Take me back to fifteen when my life was such perfect bliss.
I want to experience this feeling again.
I truly found God and I received many blessings after that. My life has never been the same since.
I want to find that deep relationship with Christ again. It's going to take work. I haven't been going to church every Sunday, which is a first. That's not me at all. I'm getting distracted.
I can't handle fallouts. You are aware of them, I assume?
I'm not having a falling out with Christ, I'm just having problems putting my heart out in church. When I'm at a service, little things are racing in my mind. I can't focus. I can't feel the soft music. I wish I can change the Catholic church. We need to have more soul in our words, music, and praise. I need something that would shock, draw me to tears, and relieve me.
I just need another getaway at a camp. Some self-reflection and quiet time.
Aren't we all struggling?

Friday, November 12, 2010

I'm back

I have heartburn.
I'm burning my own heart.
I thought second chances were the best and sweeter than the first.
My "fantasy" world is creating me a bittersweet reality. One second, I'm drooling, gazing, and falling head over heels and then a few moments later, I'm positively ticked because he said something or did something rather stupid.
He claims he's changing. I'm either blind or he's not changing at all. I see he has become more honest, but when things don't go his way, he's dramatic. Everything is still one-sided with him.
Therefore, I see no change.
But when I see him, everything feels brand new. We can't stay cross with each other for very long, which is a rather good thing.
I wonder if all of this is even worth it. Perhaps I expect too much, I'm "nitty picky" at what is bad and stale. Do I not praise him enough? Of course, I do. I adore this fellow and he knows it. He adores me as well, but when it comes to compromise, he desires his own ways.
Typical behavior? That is how my dad acts towards my mother. Maybe that's how men are.
*Shrugs.*
Sorry. I'm not trying to generalize..
Alright, fine love. I'll be gone like the wind.
It's as if I'm just in "it" just to feel something like love... as if it can't come again.
I don't know, but this is making me angry. There's one flaw that I cannot accept of myself: I never know what my heart is saying. Never.
I'm back, loves.
Senior year has been rather different. I'm very busy with my life, but I still think about this blog. I actually fear it, because I know I am no longer an active blogger and I know some of my readers are giving up. Don't worry. Why would I let this go? And you can always contact me at, jesusinyoureyes@gmail.com
I love emails.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

You're throwing away your youth

He was taking sip after sip and his eyes gave off a funny glow.
Girls on the floor, laughing hysterically,breathless and losing their place.
No music playing expect for the voices,shouts, and screams of the drunken folks.
These kids dare to take their keys and head off into the streets, past curfew and taking a chance.
And here I am, just watching.
I think. "Is this how they do it? Just drink, past out, and do it again the next night and the night after that?"
Boy sweet talking girl in the corner. Her face blushing with flattery, the boy's voice full of lies and insincerity.
Dangerous. I watch his claws crawl up to her neck, drawing her close.
They drink because it makes them lose control. Alcohol literally drowns down the pain and clogs the soul with false happiness. Why do our minds search for something less fullfilling, giving into the lies of our society?
Because, it's easy. It's much too simple to be drawn into those falsehoods. They show up on billboards, magazines,the internet...everywhere.
We can't plaster our hearts onto that. It hurts too much.
"I want you to wake up and see Christ shining through your window, to find the answer of how the wind blows, to hear your favorite song on the radio, and to feel right at home."

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Stick with me

I have some things going on right now.
I apologize,but I simply don't have the time right now. I can't promise tomorrow or for the rest of the week. Everyday is booked,especially this weekend.
Please understand...
Stick with me.
I won't let you down next time.
I love this blog far too much to depart.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Busy

Writer's block is a curse.
My cure? Lots and lots of reading.
Don't worry loves, I'm not going to let you down.
Tomorrow, I will try really hard to write, something that will spark your mind.
The weather is getting much colder and as seasons change, I am changing alot also.
I will explain everything tomorrow,I promise.
Please stick with me.
I know I lost some followers due to my lack of updates, but sometimes life takes up all of your time. And, I've been diligently keeping a diary. Her name is Kailey Angel and she's lovely.I've been using diaries on and all of my life. My mother handed me my first diary when I was eight years old. I still have it. It's sky blue with messy handwriting and cute entries. I miss my little girl days. Things were so much simpler back then.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Forgiveness

I thought I would forever be buried into the arms of ferocity.
It felt good, being buried down there, but those harsh feelings took so much energy. I was feeling weak-hearted and out of breath.
Anger is such a dominating and terrible emotion.Do not let it consume you.
Last week on a Wednesday, I received an expecting phonecall from Rasul.
When I picked up the phone, I suddenly had a change of heart.Forgiveness and I became buddies that night.
It felt so wonderful.
I don't want to go into much detail, because I am sure you all are much tired of hearing about my fail of my love life. Rasul said a lot. He said he's been trying to change through prayer and fasting since Ramadan. Our phone meeting was sad, actually. Of course my mind went on a whim- I was feeling troubled, but I knew he was being sincere. Rasul wants to start over. He said he can't love another girl and he doesn't want to feel for another."We were so perfect, Rose. Everything was amazing. Matt was just jealous,that's why he told you that stuff. I miss you, I miss you so much-I really do. I hate it when people ask me what happened to us.I wish we together again, but I know that's not going to happen. I can't look at a girl and not think of you, Rose Valentine. I know I'm a habitual liar and I'm trying to be more honest with my friends and family. I'm working on it. Since it's Ramadan,I've been praying and fasting and I feel more righteous everyday.If I can't have a relationship with you, I want your friendship. Yeah, friends is good with me, I'll take it."

My feelings have taken a dramatic twist this past summer. You all know that already.
Rasul's aware that were are on different levels, but a part of me still has a soft spot for him. Not romantically, but emotionally. We've finally had closure. I'm feeling hurt though. My anger was a hard shield, covering up my wounds, but now they broke out afresh. Time.
I know love won't come my way soon as I would like for it to arrive. But that's alright, I'm just going to have to deal. I'm not sure if I'm even worthy of love. I always end up with the wrong guy and thoroughly crushed. It's a stupid and very distracting cycle. How am I so entangled in these webs?But guess, what my dear? I'm happy.
I know my tears are signs of healing.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Happy

So....
I'm enjoying my senior year. Everything is going on very well and I'm excited for the future.The SAT class that I'm taking is helping me tremendously and I am certain I will do better when the test rolls around in October. Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling a bit stressed, but it's a happy stressed. I love being occupied. I'm still in awaiting phone calls for jobs and I'm starting my college application process. But, it's alright. That's life and senior year all in one. I am most definitely not going on a blog hiatus. It won't for me. I would crack almost immediately. Pray me, if you will, because I sometimes let stress get the best of me. I'm studying like crazy.I'm days ahead in most of my classes, and I'm planning to keep it that way. I have a life too,you know. I'm still driving out and hanging out with my girls. I had a photoshoot with my friend Alexis last weekend,but it's postponed to this weekend. My grandma sent me a great amount of money for clothes, so I've been shopping for my shoot. The shoot is not "official"or anything, but it's enough to add to my portfolio that I'm planning to create. I really do want to model, so very badly. This would be my third shoot. The last shoot I did was back in May by a photographer in Atlanta.
Life's lovely.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Psychology

What do you hope to get out of this course?
My response: To figure how and why people act the way they do... to finally figure people out.
The real thing:
-WHY people lie
-WHY we hurt so bad
-WHY can't we make life as simple as a Disney fairytale
-Why and how do we feel so disconnected
-WHY and how we feel confused
-WHY we can't rip out bad feelings from our hearts
-WHY are some things easier for others, but so difficult for some
-WHY it's hard to fall asleep when are mind is not at ease
-WHY happy feelings can go ZAP!in seconds...
-WHY do we feel so jealous
-WHY we feel like life's a race...
-Why do we focus so much on beauty
-WHY and how we become so mean
-WHY and how we hurt ourselves- how we become our worst enemy.

Friday, August 6, 2010

What I learned this summer

Love blows, period. According to a few of my friends, I never seem to choose the right guy. It's true. And because of that, I am legitimately afraid to give any guy a chance, fearing they will turn out rotten like the rest. I know what I want but everything always ends up in hurt. I get blinded I guess. My mind gets caught up in silly, stupid, Disney fairytale crap and I ended getting more hurt then I should be feeling. I brush off the little bad things and just see fantasy and not reality. I don't know why on earth I does this. Can you anyone explain this to me?SERIOUSLY, PLEASE.Blame it on the guys? Nah, blame it on me, Rose. I don't even know what I have to offer to any guy, anyway. Seriously, if someone were to tell me to make a list of what I have to offer to someone, my paper will be blank. I don't know what I've got.I guess my standards are unrealistic or maybe it's the emotional absence of a father.My dad and I barely have a relationship. Don't get me wrong, he's a great daddy and despite the infidelity and drama, I still love him because he cares about me. We just don't connect and talk. We went out to lunch one weekend and we were both glued on our blackberrys throughout the whole time. Even the waiter pointed that out.I hate this stupid stuff, I quit. Whatever. It's senior year, screw it and forget it. College is far more important anyway and my mind's on point with that for sure. It's better being friends than lovers, because in general, people stay longer in friendships. Love just makes everything messy and someone gets hurt and all this crap that no one deserves. It makes me angry, because love shouldn't be this difficult! It's not created to hurt us...right?

I know in relationships, everything is not great and dandy all the time. They take work, but why do our hearts have to suffer so much?! Most of you readers on here are fully aware of what happened between Rasul and I, and how much crap and drama he brought into my life. Just to let you know, I refrained to give you readers the rest of the details, because I am still trying to move on from the anger. I don't understand what's happening to me. I pray and pray and pray, but honestly my darlings the boy makes it so difficult for me to forgive him. He kept doing these childish things that were driving me insane. I have never had someone hurt me so bad that has taken such an effect on me. My feelings have taken a dramatic twist. I honestly do not like him at all. In fact,I almost hate him. I really don't want to feel this way, darlings and I'm trying to stop it.And yes, to make it quite clear I am aware that people are not perfect and I don't expect boys in relationships to be a perfect boyfriend. I think some people on here judge me as if they truly know me, saying I'm "obsessed with boys" or "obsessed with the male gender", etc. Yes, I am a boy crazy seventeen year old girl, but I have goals and dreams that I actually do work on. I'm not obsessed with guys and my focus isn't solely on guys. I just like boys, big deal lol. I hope I don't sound rude or too blunt or anything. I just wanted to point that out there, because those comments aren't who I am.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I can... If Only I Will


I can respect myself.
I can believe in my dreams.
I can hope in my future.
I can learn to love.
I can withstand peer pressure.
I can be loved for who I am.
I can protect my body through wise choices.
I can treasure the beauty of being alive.
I can develop healthy relationships.
I can honor all people.
I can honor myself by my choices of self control.
I can invest in my marriage by saving myself now.
I can experience joy.
-www.lifecyclebooks.com

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Focused

My mindset is college, college,college, scholarships, scholarships, scholarships, job, job, job, and yeah, you get the idea. Right now, I've really been buckling down on raising my SAT scores and trying to finish up summer reading. School, UNFORTUNATELY starts on August 11th. It's senior year though,(oh my gosh!!) and it's going to be a breeze. I'm just so over highschool now. I'm ready for college and start big things. At this moment in time, I am trying to work on an essay for a 2,500 dollar scholarship. The question is simple:"What's unique about you? What makes you stand out in the crowd?"
Yeah... not so simple after all. I have no clue who I am for that matter. How on earth am I suppose to this question?
Ah. I need some fun. I got my license last weekend and I haven't been out with my friends since then. I've been with my cousins mainly for hours everyday working on SATs and scholarships and then hit the gym in the evening.
Sigh.
I obviously don't know how to balance, but my parents have been holding me down a tad bit as well. Oh well. I get to go shopping tomorrow, and I'm inviting my bestfriend.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

What do you miss?

What do you miss right now?
I miss being a little girl, free, and endless dreaming. I fell asleep while watching Sailor Moon last night of youtube. And my bestfriend and I are hosting a princess tea party with tiaras and sophisticated finger foods. I really do miss being a kid. Gosh, I was so eager to become a teenager back then. It's funny. Being a teenager is probably the most challenging stages in life. But don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying myself. It's a lot of fun being with friends and trying new things to become what I want to be. I'm thankful.
I miss the beach. Oh so much. To feel the breeze dance through my hair and race into the icy cold ocean with my sisters. I adore summer.
I miss being so in touch with my spiritual life. I seemed to have drifted off. I'm trying to get everything that I felt before with one snatch, but I think I really need to kneel down and pray about it.
I miss fifteen.
There are alot of things and places that I miss.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Valentine Playlist Part One


If my heart stop pumping tomorrow don't feel no sorrow
Cuz life is hard mentally and everything is meant to be
Sometimes I ask myself If I was gone who will remember me?
It's hard to tell oh-well sit back and sip this Hennessey
Now lately it's been hard to tell my
friends part from my enemies
Cuz plenty n**** show me love but in their
hearts they envy me
Why? I'm just a n**** from around the way
Told my momma
Ill make it happen and I found a way
Pour out some liquor for my n***** at the crossroads
May the Lord give guidance to the lost souls
I know that deep inside these n**** know it's more to life
Then mackin h*** and stacking doe
Man I'm sort of like a n**** who done seen greener grass
So when they think they ballin like The DreamTeam, my n**** I done seen meaner cash
And I'm trynna get it, follow me n**** I'm on a prowl
Headed to the top! You watching me n****?
Then Hold It Down


Hold it down, if you need to
holla at me
Don’t hesitate to call it
aint a problem I can be there I’d ride for you, lie for you
I know you’d do the same, I will die for u
So hold it down, when the times is hard, I’ll be around
So hold me down and it don’t matter how far I’ll be around
Yea, I'll hold you down


You were my n**** from the younger days, we grew up
I went to school you went the
other way
but still my brother man
I'm sitting reminiscing on all of them b****** we were trippening over, kissing on
Or at the skating rink we trying to bag some new h***
And If I need it yea you let me hold ya new clothes and vice-a-versa man,
But now that life is
worster man a n****slow caking
I'm
broke trynna chase a dream, you just got probation and I'm stressed
Your little sister pregnant what’s next?
Oh s*** my momma doing drugs, at times it's
hard to feel blessed
In this madness I holla at my n**** in the sadness
Remember when ya momma tried to beat you with that bat s***?
Remember
your chick Nina man that ass was the fattest
remember my crush on Sabrina? yo, she still the baddest!
I'm just glad that I can holla at you, it's been a while
and to the next time I hear from you, ay, hold it down!


Hold it down, if you need to
holla at me
Don’t hesitate to call it
aint a problem I can be there I’d ride for you, lie for you
I know you’d do the same, I will die for u
So hold it down, when the times is hard, I’ll be around
So hold me down and it don’t matter how far I’ll be around
Yea, I'll hold you down


These are tough times baby but we’ll make it through
You know I'm headed for the top I swear i'm taking you
Just hold a n**** down through this bad weather
The rain falling aint balling but I have better
A women with an ass and a
strong mind
It's been a long time, sometimes you on your bull****
Sometimes i'm on mine
Will I have a hard time to
stay committed?
Or do I only want your voice moaning when I hit it?
Man only God knows I know deep in your heart you don’t want me to be no star though
Cuz groupies out there every show you scared Im f***** every h**
And girl I aint gon lie and say I wont cuz s*** you never know
but may the Lord give me strength
I love you more than anything
The future mother of my kids,
the love is real and if we ever part God forbid
I love you still so when Im on the road don’t trip, you know im down for you
Keep it tight and don’t slip, and hold it down for me


Hold it down, if you need to
holla at me
Don’t hesitate to call it
aint a problem I can be there I’d ride for you, lie for you
I know you’d do the same, I will die for u
So hold it down, when the times is hard, I’ll be around
So hold me down and it don’t matter how far I’ll be around
Yea, I'll hold you down
-J. Cole
*Number 21 on the playlist on here.*

Sunday, July 25, 2010

New Dreams

New dreams.
So fresh, eager, and ready to be pursued. I am totally in that mode right now.
I've been contemplating...
I think I'm going to publish my first letters to God, my favorite diary of all time.
Age fifteen was the best year of my life and I want to share it with the world. Of course, I'll change times, dates, and stories just a bit. And, I'll be anonymous. I don't want attention, since it's a diary. I just want people to read the desires of my heart with their own eyes. I want people to see how life can be transformed when you let God really enter into your life. Very often, I pray to God to bring people in my life that need to hear the truth. It's the most beautiful thing. I really think I'm going to do it. I'll rewrite everything. It's the perfect end of highschool project for me. Maybe my diary will start something in my life.
What do you think, darlings?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Oh, how pretty


Alice touched her heart. "I found Jesus. He's not in my closet nor in my morning tea, or Rylan's scrambled eggs. Jesus is in here. No more black hole."



Alice had forgotten everything-even God. Jesus was a stranger to her, and nights passed with prayers unspoken.Since her parent's death, everything abruptly drifted away. Depression was her only companion. Not only was her heart beseeching for shameless beauty, but her soul was yearning and thirsting for something. Someone who brought her smiles and merry dreams.
God.



Alice's life was empty. Nothing. She looked forward to nothing, her eyes were sent on nothing,and she dreamt of nothing. Her thoughts were swirls of darkness and black holes. Broken hearts and silent screams. There was a black hole in her heart. It was growing thicker and deeper as the days unraveled and vanished. No kiss, no rain drop could heal her. Alice's fairytale past was a beautiful nightmare full of laughter, stolen kisses, and joy rides.




"Don't lie to me, she stammered."Don't." Giovonnie's face crinkled with hurt. "Why would I lie to you, Alice?" And before the girl could retort, Giovonnie slowly curled his fingers into hers. His breath caught in his throat-scarcely breathing, he leaned in and kissed Alice with passion. Such passion, that each of the souls were caught in fire. But it was quick, and as the girl watched the boy walk away from her, she looked up into heaven and saw God's smile.




"Does it take a good man to falsely confess so things could just finally settle down?"




" They let sin tear away their hearts from goodness."




"Every human being is imperfect. Human beings are so imperfect, that often those imperfections lead to evil and sin. However, every human being has the desire to be good. Goodness is the brightest gem in the human heart."





"You're beautiful." he whispered,breathlessly. Alice felt her eyes shimmer with tears. He musn't lie to her-not like everyone else. So many lies and fairytales left scars and nightmares scattered on her skin.




"I'm Giovonnie Cosby, but I'm sure you've heard of me before-"
"Yeah, yeah Alice interrupted, impatiently waving him away. "You're a little on the cocky side, aren't you?" Giovonnie grinned."A little." Alice couldn't help but notice how fairly good looking he was. His eyes were the darkest shade of emeralds- dazzling. But Giovonnie's lopsided grin sent an unusual tingle in her heart.





"Who's God?" Alice inquired, quietly. Rylan turned to look at her and he wrapped his arms around her. shoulders. He pointed to the dancing stars that were scattered on the sky. "There." He said.











"You're chasing after her?" Alice said, appalled. Giovonnie turned, his hands jammed in his pockets with his lopsided grin written on his face."God made her, he stated,happily. She's beautiful, case closed." Alice frowned at him."Is that all you like about her?" She scoffed. Givonnie shrugged. "Yeah." He turned his back on Alice and started to chase the girl of his dreams... so it seems.






I was going through some old boxes and found some beautiful crumpled paper written with words of long ago.
"And then, out of nowhere, there was rain. It fell down heavenly, sweetly, and magically on her shoulders and all over her body.
Glittering like diamonds.
It was the first time Alice felt rain pour down on her shoulders."















































































































































































































































All by me. Rose.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Hold onto me

Age fifteen was the best year of my life.
Dear God,
I just finished reading the letter I wrote to you several weeks ago. September 3. Just a few days before Camp Covecrest...
Before my life changed. For good.
Lord, since Camp Covecrest things are different now. Way different. Now that I have drawn closer to You and Jesus, my life is a pleasant surprise. I am so happy nowadays. So happy. God, I want to love you more. You fill my heart with such joy. You have given me so many blessings and gifts and I am so thankful, so grateful.
Thankyou, my love.
I want to say thankyou for the beautiful sunsets and for the stars at night. Simply put, I want to thankyou for nature and its beauty. Thankyou Lord for my family, my school, and for everything that is good in my life.
It's all You, God.
It's all You...
-September 28, 2008.
I don't feel happy today, my loves. I just feel so faraway and lonely. I want to hold God's hand.
That's all.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Emptiness

I think emptiness is one of the worst feelings in the world.
Life can be such a nightmare.
I wish peace on earth can truly be granted.
What do you think my loves? What causes emptiness?
You have all the things in the world, but the side of your bed is empty.
Lonliness.
You lost everything that you had and you're caught in a thunderstorm.
Hopelessness.
My mother thinks she's slightly depressed. My father is taking medication for depression.
I wish I can help them both.
Smile through the tears and get down on your knees.
All you need is God.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Give me the money... seriously.

I have to make a huge decision.
My parents pay twenty thousand dollars in total, for my sister and I to attend the school we are currently enrolled in. I've been in that school for three years and I love the learning environment so much. I've met incredible people and the rigorous work really shaped me up to work even harder for the grades I want. The school's fantastic and very Catholic family oriented. But of course, my parents are paying a lot of money and have restricted us from several vacations, shopping trips, and getting a nice car. My little sister also attends a private school, so as a whole my parents are paying over twenty thousand dollars. It's crazy. We really can't do much and we basically have to watch our money with hawk's eyes. My parents are tired of paying for it and really wants us to enroll into our local school so we can have a bit of fun. And of course, I would get a car which no doubt, is a very tempting offer. My grandma called me two days ago and told me that she's going to pay for half of my car anyway.
It's all up to me and my sisters.
Senior year and new school? I won't necessarily be a stranger, because I know a lot of the kids in my grade. I went to more than half of elementary and middle school with them.It wouldn't be terrible, but I'll miss uniforms though. And since it's senior year, the uniforms are different from everyone else with a bonus, soft, senior sweater. We also have the senior courtyard to chill and hangout, senior seats during church service, and all that good stuff. I can't stand waking up every morning and trying to figure out a new outfit. Even with uniform I take over an hour to get ready. I'm ridiculous. But I feel as if I would have more fun in my local school and be able to apply to more challenging courses. At the school that I am enrolled in, the teachers don't allow everyone to take ap and honors courses. It's stupid. We need ap courses to apply for colleges! The teachers think they know us best when in reality, they really don't. How can you know that I won't be able to handle college work? If I fail, isn't that my problem?
I don't know.
I sort of want to leave, but I don't won't to regret it.
I'll pray.
I've been applying and looking jobs. I think it's bad if you don't work and your in highschool. Not wise at all.
I hate money. I wish I can be like some of my classmates- Afford the school and have the money to do other things.
Unfair.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Wear your smile

That's me. Holding Domo backwards... hahaha.
I've been doing better. I had a fun 4th of July weekend. I failed my driver's test though, which I am very disappointed about it. I hit the cone when I was paraell parking. I was nearly in tears. I get to retake it tomorrow or sometime next week. My parents think tomorrow is too soon. My dad was a little angry that I didn't do well. I felt bad, and my instructor was actually very sweet. She had the prettiest blue eyes.
Rasul texted me and I didn't hesistate to ignore him. I've clearly moved on. And I saw Brody on Saturday. It wasn't planned at all. We both ended up at the same fourth of July festival on Saturday. I haven't seen him since December when I was cheering at our schools basktetball game so it was nice to see his face again. He looked really cute, tall, broad-shouldered and sporting stunning white shades. We just hung out for a bit and then departed each other to spend time with friends and family.Ever since Rasul and I broke up, I've been talking to a few more guys. Being single is so much fun. :)
There's this one guy I've met way long ago- back in the seventh grade. We were in the same homeroom and science class and he was incredibly adorable. We spoke quite a bit and then by the end of the year he moved away. Well one evening, I was flipping through some old yearbooks in spite of boredom, and his face popped up and surprised me. "Oh!" I exclaimed. "I remember him!" I recorded his name on a piece of paper and looked him up on facebook.
Found him. And we've been messaging back and forth and he's really sweet. He remembers me too. :) He lives in Louisiana and he says he misses Atlanta. He's planning on visiting and we're going around town together. He called me his Georgia girl.
The catch is that well.... his name is Ras.
...
Ras. Rasul. WAY too close. But, whatever. I'm not planning on dating Ras anyway. He doesn't even live in state.I wanted to draw attention to that, so that is why I kept saying, "he."
Hahaha.
Anyway, I'm off to drive around for job applications and work on college stuff.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Future

Yesterday, I focused and visioned my future.
I'm applying to fourteen colleges,my loves. I'm not kidding. I'm trying to aim really high and began a bright future. I've got half of my testing process out of the way(I've taken the SATS twice and ACT once) and I know exactly what I want. Junior year kicked me so hard in the tush and I was seriously suffering from anxiety from too much hard week. But this new upcoming year, will be the greatest. I have a 3.5 and I'm aiming for at least a 3.8. Education is so important to me. Someday soon, I would love to be a news anchor or an entertainment host, and a trial lawyer/part time model. I want to be very successful with my own house, a lovely car, and spoil my parents and sisters. My best friend Evan will be by my side. Freshmen year we promised each other that we're going to be career women so we can go to the seven star hotel in Dubai. We are so doing it.I cannot wait to see what life has in store. Marriage and family will come after all that. I want to make something out of myself before I get that ring on my finger and craddle a baby in my arms.
Tell me, what are your dreams my loves?

Monday, June 28, 2010

Whatever

Screw love. But, I'm still praying.
It's senior year, I'm going to focus on more important things. Test scores, scholarships, and college applications.I want to go to a great university and come out of it as a successful, new, young thing. There are many things I would like to try out this upcoming school year since cheerleading at school has let me down. I didn't make the squad.
This must be my year.
Sorry.
I'm still not really over it.
Anyway, I'll soon realize that I can use that extra time to try something new(modeling) and I can spend time with my friends at football games. I am so excited for football season. My school generally does very well and the season goes onto until mid November. It's very nice. Anyway, I'm finally getting my license on Friday and probably take my bestfriend out. It's about time my parents let me get this thing. I mean, seriously c'mon. I'm seventeen years old.I've been driving forever, I need that card.
Sorry, pointless post. I'm just having random thoughts on my mind. When I signed on my facebook this morning, I saw a lot of statuses from my friends that they had "amazing nights", etc. I honestly cannot remember the last time I've had an amazing night. Prom, maybe?
I guess summer is letting me down.
I found two movie tickets in my dad's car. I remember him coming home late too. My mom just shook her head. He probably hasn't stopped cheating. My dad doesn't go to the movies.He still goes on her facebook, I'm sure. I always see the email address pop up when I want to sign in.
Overall, this hasn't been my year.
Whatever.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Moving On

I'm moving on with my life.
I would tell you all the drama that led before and even after the breakup, but it just takes way too much time and not to mention heartbreak. I'm so sorry I've been updating all week. The breakup and the drama literally interrupted my life. I was staying with friends all week. I've gotten a lot of support from my mom and friends., Rasul still continues to lie and was practically begging me to come back. I blocked him on facebook and I was so close into blocking his number on my phone. The situation was getting so bad, that my mom had to intervene. Rasul even got his friends involved. Thank God that I am out of this nightmare breakup. Rasul's plotting revenge on his ex bestfriend and the guy he cheated on me with. They told me my ex was cheating. The other guy got his house egged the other night.
Brody's back and he said he misses my random laughter on the phone. I really can't just jump into another love scam. We're just talking and gaining back our "brother and sister friendship. But the boy is slowly winning me over. My friends really don't like the idea of my quick regain attraction of Brody. Stephanie ,( my friend who introduced us last summer) watned me of Brody trying to lure me while I was with Rasul. I kept my distance. And as soon as Brody found out I was free, he really started to talk.
I have the most terrible luck when it comes to love. My friends are unhappy that Brody is trying to see me again. But my heart is so bruised that it's literally so difficult. to feel what is right and what is wrong. My dad's infidelity will always be my biggest heartbreak, and Rasul is number two.
The heartbreaks are literally three months apart.
Brody didn't treat me very well. He didn't harm me physically, he just wasn't there. He had much too pride and we quarreled often. But we keep doing this "talking thing" even as I write to you, my readers. I'm not stupid and I'm not naive. Brody's a friend and throughout the week he helped me forget my hurt whenever he made me laugh.
I give up on love and I could honestly care less. I have my girls, my family, getting a car soon, and I'm really trying to start modeling and tumbling (again).
I keep bumping into the wrong boys over and over. It could only get worse.
RIP Troy, my perfect man.
Blasted brick wall.
It's time to start talking about important things on here again.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Nobody's In Love

I got a message on facebook Friday morning saying that my prince has been cheating.
With a guy.
More lies and more secrets.
I won't get into details, because my story is not story that you would like to discuss at the dinner table. I've basically lost my appetite.
The person who told me the who the real Rasul is sent me dated text messages and a picture to sum everything up. I haven't been able to really get a hold of Rasul. He keeps making up all kinds of crap. I am so done with this asshole! He keeps playing games with me, and I've barely communicated with him at all this weekend. I've been trying to go over to his house to show him that I know the secret he's been trying to keep, his stupid lies, and his unfaithfulness. Why does this bull keep happening over and over again? There's been so much drama with this jerk.
Yes, you my darlings have never seen me curse on here. With this situation, I have every right to express how I truely feel. This boy is no prince. He. is. an. ASS. This situation may sound like the typical highschool "cheating" story, but if I reveal everything, you'll be feeling as sick as I am. My whole family is devestated. The story is not about the cheating, but his actions and character. I've trying to come over since Friday, but this idiot keeps making up crap on why I can't see him. He's playing all these games and I really don't know what the heck is going on. He probably suspects that something is the matter and that is why he's trying to avoid me. Rasul doesn't know that I know what's been going on, because the person who told me everything, hasn't said anything to him. So, I just have to wait. But in my mind, we're over.
I really need God.
There's been so much drama. I need to get out of this stupid town.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Omegle

I think I was struck with something beautiful tonight.
And I don't know how to get it back.
Stranger: asl
You: 17 female usa
Stranger: awesome
Stranger: lucky you
Stranger: im a guy
Stranger: and this will be the best chat ever
Stranger: from usa too
You: awesome yay
Stranger: 20
Stranger: in college
You: cool
Stranger: yup
Stranger: so which state?
You: georgia
Stranger: florida, i've got them oranges girl and u've got them peaches
Stranger: hellz ya ;)
You: hahahah :)
Stranger: :)
Stranger: soo
Stranger: you seem cool
Stranger: I'm Jason
You: I'm Rose
Stranger: beautiful name
You: aw thankyou
Stranger: for sure
Stranger: soo tell me about yourself Rose
Stranger: high school student
You: hahaha yes and I cheer and model. Write a whole lot, active in my church, workout, and yeah pretty much it hahaha
Stranger: can I comment?
Stranger: may I lol
You: sure?
You: haha
Stranger: well, I just got a boner
Stranger: cheer and model?
Stranger: damn girl
You: ha... great to know?
Stranger: oh sorry lol
Stranger: umm
Stranger: nice combo!
You: lol thanks
Stranger: writing is cool
Stranger: what do u write
You: just about anything. from poetry to short stories. i;ve been writing since i was nine
Stranger: very nice!
Stranger: im jewish so idk about church but sounds great
Stranger: workout is good for that body
Stranger: good stuff ;)
You: I love it hahahah gym memberships are gifts
Stranger: nice!
Stranger: alright now you wanna know abou tme
Stranger: about me
You: indeed
You: hahaha
Stranger: well to start off
Stranger: I'm not like most guys my age
Stranger: at all
Stranger: many people highly respect me for who I am
Stranger: and appreciate me for being myself each and everday
Stranger: basically
Stranger: I am different in a good way
Stranger: thats the best way to put it
You: Well, that's really lovely.
Stranger: for starters..
Stranger: I do not drink
You: GOOD.
Stranger: I do not smoke
You: GOOD.
Stranger: I do not do drugs
You: GOOD.
You: hahaha
Stranger: I am still a virgin
You: GOOD!!!
Stranger: and I have never had a gf
Stranger: which surprises a LOT of people
Stranger: but they understand
You: aww well that'
You: that's okay
You: nothing wrong with hat
You: *that
Stranger: I know, I'm happy
Stranger: :)
Stranger: I have no myspace
Stranger: I have no fakebook
You: really?
Stranger: I have no twitter
Stranger: really!
Stranger: I'm the real deal
You: Wow.
Stranger: and I have more friends than the amount of days in 5 years
Stranger: yup
You: Wow, well that's really nice :))
Stranger: yeah and it makes me feel good
Stranger: I love helping people
Stranger: and being there for people
Stranger: and I expect the same back from them
Stranger: they all hold a very special place in my heart
Stranger: even you
You: Hahah you don't know me at all...
You: just a random girl on here bored to death
You: lol
Stranger: but at some level we are still connecting
Stranger: without a doubt
You: well... alright.
Stranger: now..
Stranger: so if that alone didn't make you think I am different
Stranger: maybe this will
Stranger: I want to change the world
Stranger: you heard me
Stranger: not just the next iPhone application
Stranger: not the newest gadget
Stranger: but actually make an impact on our lives
Stranger: and the future generations to enter our world
Stranger: not many people want to do this
Stranger: or even have close to the desire and motivation to go out there and do so
You: Wow. Speechless.
Stranger: I mean it's actually quite interesting to me
Stranger: to see just how many people will wake up everyday and do things
You: Yes,indeed.
Stranger: and not realize what is actually gong on
Stranger: I see everything from a completely different perspective than your average human
Stranger: not to sound corny, but I really do!
You: I can tell! And, that's refreshing.
Stranger: and it almost makes me want to cry
Stranger: for joy that is
Stranger: because I am so happy that I will in fact accomplish my visions
Stranger: my dreams of a new world
Stranger: I can't do this alone, it's going to be US
Stranger: listen to this ok...
You: Wait what?
Stranger: I was talking to a girl about my thoughts on education right
Stranger: she was in shock
Stranger: what i was telling her on here
Stranger: and looked at it completely differently
Stranger: after I told her the deal
Stranger: from my eyes
Stranger: I saved what she said about me...
Stranger: "Stranger: i think it's clearly unreal that you can think of something like this. and if anyone is gonna change the minds of society its gonna be you. i hope you realize, that how much you just made me think differently, has affected one person. and if i spread your thoughts, you will be the person responsible for world change. you need to keep thinking the way you do and i will never forget this conversation and how much you have changed my view on things"
You: <3> UMMM EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.
Stranger: I know!!!
Stranger: I'm extremely respectful, very understanding, always postive
Stranger: never let anyone down
Stranger: and just live my life instead of being distracted by all of this noise
Stranger: yet I am still aware!
You: If you open doors, pull out chairs, a girl will fall for you I swear.
You: You'll find the right girl.
Stranger: thank you
You: You have a good heart.
Stranger: I really do
Stranger: and I am very driven
Stranger: yet relaxed
Stranger: and I know what's right
You: A lot of guys your age are fooling around, but you. Yes, different, with a good heart. A girl will fall for you one day, and she's going to be so happy.
Stranger: thank you
Stranger: appreciate it
Stranger: but I mean in all honesty
Stranger: I don't even try
Stranger: this is who I am
Stranger: and once she realized that, super glue
Stranger: realizes
Stranger: you know
Stranger: my friends who are girls just sit in the food places and their jaws drop
Stranger: they love talking to me
Stranger: because I am more down to this earth that the world itself
You: Exactly.
Stranger: yeah
You: Um okay, Florida girls=blind.
You: Seriously.
You: Girls should be chasing after you for sure
You: You're good.
You: And I don't even know you
Stranger: it makes me want to cry
Stranger: because I am going to actually do it
Stranger: I will be the next world changer
Stranger: I feel it
You: I'm going to pray really hard for you tonight,
You: And I promise I will every single day.
Stranger: are you serious
You: Yes. I love praying. I talk to God every single night before I sleep. He's my bestfriend. I tell Him everything.
Stranger: please
Stranger: if you tell him
Stranger: make sure he understands that I am not doing this for myself
Stranger: not just me, but "us"
You: He knows. He knows everything.
Stranger: great
Stranger: you know this all started when I was younger
You: Oh my, really?
Stranger: when I was 5
Stranger: I got my first computer
Stranger: and mind just let loose
Stranger: suddenly I was free beyond penis and paper
Stranger: to explore
Stranger: to imagine
Stranger: I was so inspired
Stranger: that I made things and saved them
You: Wow!!
Stranger: I believe I still have them
Stranger: and I kept thinking to myself
Stranger: I remember
Stranger: that one machine
Stranger: those collections of parts
Stranger: changed who I am
Stranger: the way I do things
Stranger: and made such an impact on my life
Stranger: it came from a company in a box alright
Stranger: but it came from a business more importantly that somebody started because they love what they do
Stranger: it made me realize that I want to help people
Stranger: not only discover this new window in our century, but go out and do more and bring tools and new ideas to the world for everyone
You: <3>Stranger: life is very short
Stranger: there is no time to be living somebody elses life other than your own
Stranger: if you are strong and believe in who you are, you will go far
You: <3>Stranger: "Jason, you're one in a million and I've never had a student like you my entire teaching career"
Stranger: my whole life is full of people saying wow, unbelievable from arts to papers to science
Stranger: I just don't do my work
Stranger: I do my best work
Stranger: and thats just who I am
Stranger: why should I put myself down
You: Please... stay this way.
Stranger: teachers have fought to have me in their classes in high school!
Stranger: no joke
You: OMG
Stranger: they wanted me as their student after they heard about me
You: Are you kidding?
Stranger: no lies it was a joke
Stranger: usually it's the other way around
Stranger: they wanted to bring me into their classroom
Stranger: because I brought such light in a what many call a fixed environment these days which I will be changing in the future
Stranger: it should feel like we are not learning
Stranger: but rather we are at a level that is as natural as how we learned to walk and talk
Stranger: simple as that
You: <3>Stranger: one comment a teacher made to me
Stranger: my freshman year
Stranger: I will never forget
Stranger: and I really cried
Stranger: very close at least
Stranger: she was a newly wed woman and was teaching my freshman year english course and she said that she never met anyone like me before and that when she has kids, she wants them to be just like me
Stranger: who says that?
You: awww!
You: omg wow...
Stranger: I know
Stranger: it was wow
Stranger: and i didn't speak
Stranger: i couldn't
Stranger: my mouth just was open
Stranger: i will never forget her
Stranger: soo
Stranger: what do you want to chat about
You: well, i'm totally speechless hahaha.
Stranger: :)
You: :)))
Stranger: I think it's clear to you that one day you will be hearing about me in the news
Stranger: I never give up
You: <3>and won't until the day in which I leave this world
You: <3>I can't wait to talk to God tonight.
Stranger: and the best part of me which for some odd reason nobody can achieve
Stranger: is that I actually care
Stranger: from my heart to those who I encounter
Stranger: if I don't care and others don't care, who will
You: Very true
Stranger: we need to because it's so essential to our world
Stranger: :)
Stranger: yup
You: :)
Stranger: everything happens for a reason
You: i believe that
Stranger: and I have such a strong feeling that I will do something
Stranger: there are no doubts in my mine
Stranger: I see things
Stranger: that nobody else can see
You: What do you mean??
Stranger: and it's truly remarkable to my advantage, yet to everyone elses too
You: My heart just skipped a beat.
Stranger: really?
You: Yes. Idk why, that was weird lol.
Stranger: are you kidding
Stranger: wow
Stranger: you really do love me
Stranger: and i really like you
Stranger: so far
Stranger: you are appreciating me and respectful
Stranger: thats all I want
Stranger: I do not care about looks
Stranger: soo
You: Aww well you are sweet.
Stranger: thanks
Stranger: you too hun <3>beautiful person
Stranger: I can tell
You: Oh gosh, you haven't even seen me. And I really am not.
Stranger: why not?
You: Idk.. I'm just not.
You: But thankyou. You are sweet.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
I hope I didn't come across as flirty or trying to cheat on my prince, because I was conscious when I was talking to Jason. I hope it was okay to talk to him. I freak out about cheating, I really do. Emotional cheating is as terrible as physical cheating. I don't want to hurt any boy like that, so I hope I didn't say the wrong things in this conversation.
But my Lord, I want to find this kid again. Somewhere, somehow.I feel as if God wanted to show me something. I really, really, do.
I cannot wait to talk to Him tonight.
I have a feeling that good things are coming. You may think I'm silly, but Jason is for real. It's all too good to be lies.
Especially when my heart felt something and immediately dropped when we disconnected.
I'm leaving this post up for the rest of the week. I really want all of our hearts in this. I really, really, really want to find Jason. I can't believe we disconnected, I was truly sad.
Comment and pray.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Stripped

" I have feelings of depression, hopelessness, and desire to die when I start cutting. I don't cut myself to try to die. The first time I cut myself I was trying to kill myself: that is how I discovered the "positive" effects of cutting." -Male, age 17. 3 years SIB,college sophomore.

"I feel really comforted by it, as though I am squeezing the hurt from me in the posioned blood. After, I am upset that I let myself lose control."-female, age 21, 6 years SIB, college senior.

" Personally, I think cutting is a way of releasing emotions for people like me who have a lot of trouble with crying and expressive emotional things like that(note: I connected to this, because I cut when I can't cry, and have often thought of the intertwining symbolism of the saltiness of tears and blood.) I personally find I'll cut if I'm feeling empty inside... cutting is a simple way of feeling real and checking if you can still feel."-Male, age 19.

"I do it to stop thinking. The blood, the cutting gives me something else to look at and concentrate on. If I stop then the feelings I'm trying to block out come back. If I do if for long enough then when I'm done that is what I think about."- female, age 18, 2 years SIB, college student.

"I usually have some strong emotion. There is a sense of doing something about what I am feeling. Making the feeling go away is as important as it being gone. Aftewards I feel tired, physically and emotionally, as though there is nothing left in me." -male, 30 years 15 years SIB, Master's in statistics


"I don't know why I cut, but it scares the hell out of me."- female, age 33, SIB since teens, PH.D


Pray.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Total Bragworthy

Rasul is so very good to me.
From opening every single door in sight, pulling out every single chair, and complimenting every single dress that I wear for him, this boy makes everything the ultimate perfection. He even sings to me, darlings. He loves 'Crazier' by Taylor Swift.It's been a wonderful time. I've never been treated like such a princess before- this feeling is overwhelming. On Wednesday, Rasul called me in the morning, and gushed on how he wanted to surprise me by making dinner. He's trying to make our relationship better, after I had addressed the problems we were having and now, we are just even more happy and crazy for each other. Rasul is always so sweet, soft-spoken, and gentle. He never says "no" to me and never asks for anything more than just kissing. Always, always, always, this boy loves to hold hands.
That's all he really wants.
And we never part unless it's time to say goodbye.
He gave me his letterman jacket to borrow when it gets cold again. The jacket smells just like him.
Don't worry my darlings, I'm not going to spill out my love life all over this blog, because my blog is much more than that. I tell you girls and guys everything, anyway. Rasul tells me that he loves me all the time. He's very soft hearted. Things hurt him very easily. When I was upset with him one time, the boy was feeling crushed. He gave me an Ethiopian necklace to ameliorate things. But boys always do that, don't they? They always buy girls things to make everything better. My dad has been buying me, mother, and my sisters a lot of chocolate lately.Sweet summertime, I see my love quite alot. I still make time for other things and for my girls. Especially my girls. I love them so much. Evan gets jealous of Rasul and I. Sometimes, I find it difficult to please her, because the jealousy is apparent.But it hasn't changed anything at all. The girls like Rasul a lot as well as my mother. She adores him. My sister Caroline calls him her big brother. The fact that everything is going so well, just scares me to death.
&& I find it kind of find if funny how my ex-boy, Brody now decides to apologize for everything and is trying to rebuild some sort of friendship. Stephanie's theory is that, Brody's just feeling bad because I moved on before him ,and he's hoping that I would wait around for him. It took that boy seven months to apologize to me, and he thought I was going to wait for that mess? Brody is acutally trying to move on quickly with Stephanie, but Stephanie is not buying any of it. He's trying to get my attention, and honestly, I'm too happy with the prince, so none of that fazes me at all.
I pray about our relationship a lot and my 11:11 prayers(not wishes) are usually used on that.(But not always) Rasul and I are comfortable with each other. He once told me that he can be himself around me. We share food and eat from the same chocolate strawberries and icecream scoops. I'm not scared of germies when I'm with him.
Even on my "not so pretty hair days" the boy doesn't treat me any different. He still smiles at me, hold my hand, and compliments me. He doesn't care how I look, he just loves me for me.
This afternoon, Rasul wanted to take me shopping, but I couldn't because I had too many little things to do. He was disappointed and he sent a text that said,"I miss you." We saw each other on Wednesday and that was all, because he had to work. I can't see each other getting "burned out." The chemistry and the friendship is much too real. Evan thinks that Rasul and I are the typical television, highschool couple. Everything is just friendly, pure, and cute. Just like Troy and Gabriella. They're my favorite highschool couple on television. Oh my, I sound so stupid right now.
I'm not attached though. No, really we're not. We both have other things going on.
It's funny...
I have always thought that Rasul is the hot photographer/model and band geek that was simply too good for me. The fact that he's just as tenderhearted and wanting to be with me, is quite incredible. Who knew? It was either prom that opened our eyes, or the we were blocking the chemistry from each other the whole time this past school year, hahaha.
That is all, my loves.


"Goodnight, Rose. I love you."