Sunday, November 22, 2009

I will never understand these terrible feelings

Brody used me?
And he has new girlfriend already.
Vomit. I'm trying to hold back tears as I'm writing to you.
My mom got a kidney stone and she's suffering from depression.
My cheerleading coach threatened to bench me, because I fail to remember most of the cheers. (I'm a slow learner when it comes to learning dance rountines, cheer motions, etc. All it takes is patience with me and repetition.)
My grades are slipping as the work becomes harder.
I feel like I'm losing my connection with Christ. At night before I lay down to rest, my prayers are rushed.
In general...
I hate my life.
Loathe it.
Despise it.
And oh, I honestly think that relationships, dating, and love all together is the worst thing any human can experience.
Because, we are always breaking each other apart. Too many feelings get involved and people get hurt all the time. I don't care if that's part of the process, I highly doubt God wanted human love to turn out that way. Love sucks. I'm not taking anymore chances. I don't even care if I don't meet another guy for the rest of highschool. I'm always getting hurt and disappointed.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Don't you ever give up,young pretty things

Don't you ever give up, you hear me?
I mean it.
All of your lives are as precious as anyone else's. Boys and girls, you are just too darn beautiful to throw anything away. God made you. You are most definitely worth it.
Don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise.
You all deserve the best. All of your dreams will come true if you work hard and efficiently. Everyone deserves to be happy, to feel safe, and to be kissed. Seriously my loves, treat yourselves well. Watch a sunset. Dance in the rain and stay out all night.
Don't you ever give up, you hear me?
Chase after the things that you want. Chase after your heart's desires. And never, ever, forget about Jesus.
Don't ever give up, you young pretty thing. Everyday I'm trying to work hard in everything I do. This year, a lot of things have blown up in my face. I have to realize that the people who want to crush me are coming faster and faster. I have to fight for what I want. From college acceptances to even the cheerleading squad. Competition lurks everywhere. Must I give up?
No. Don't let competition sway you. Embrace it. Love it. Hug it.
Chances are, whatever happens, you have will make it to where you want to stand.
But-but there is one thing I have given up on. For me.
Wow, Rose Valentine way to contradict your own post.
I know, but I just want to be honest with you, my loves.
As of this day, I have officially given up on love. I'm always left disappointed and quite frankly, I just don't care. Nothing ever works out. I don't want to date, get in a relationship, or anything. Yes, I would like a prom date but a gentlemen would never ask me. I always get hit on by the "gangsters" from different schools, ha. Random guys from mutual friends would add me, talk to me, but wouldn't ever bother to make "proper "conversation. I never get asked to anything. All of the guys ask my really gorgeous friends at school.
All I need is Jesus. My faith. My church. My youthgroup, friends, and cheerleading.
Don't you ever give up, young pretty things. On anything. You all will get that love you deserve and the dreams that you dream of,

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Life disappoints... over and over.

I'm sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I've been saying that a lot lately. Perhaps more than I should be.
My life for the past week has been a living... hell? It's official, I'm a mess and I can't work with people. Because of a careless mistake, Brody and I are through.
Done. Six months, it's over. It would of been seven, tomorrow-his birthday. Brody wants a break, but the definition of a break is a 'break-up.' So, to me our relationship is over. I'm moving on. Brody's blaming me with his finger pointed and his ego at it's highest level. Whatever. I've wasted my time. I have never given a guy so many chances. He just pulls out the victim card and acts like he's the only one scorned.
I would explain, but honestly I've explained a thousand times. Let's just say it involved my sister Caroline, and facebook.
Stupid mini feed. Go die.
I will tell you later, loves. Or now. I should just say it.
Okay. So tell me why this facebook status,"Rose Valentine hopes to find a guy that would FINALLY give her the respect she deserves.." and a facebook comment,"KICK HIM TO THE CURB. Kick his sorry butt to curb," is a cause of a blow-up? Yes, exactly. This is why Brody is livid with me. Yes, it was wrong for me to post something like that as a status and not expect him to be upset, but instead of ignoring me and then blowing up, why couldn't he just ask what was up? Brody is so egotistical. It was ONE status, ONE comment. Yes, it's not fair for him because he wasn't told what he did wrong, but it's not like Caroline and I were trying to hurt him on purpose. We just expressed our feelings online. That's all. One time.
I was sick of Brody bailing and bailing and not making the effort. Nor caring. Over and over. It was a disgusting cycle. Not to mention that a huge lie he told around Homecoming season that he never admitted too. Instead, Brody pointed his finger at me and called me a "stalker." I mean, there IS proof, that he lied. It's online. On his OWN facebook. Halloween night was the final straw.
Brody told me that he "legit hates my sister" and that I was mad for no reason, can't make my own decisions, I need to stop assuming things, etc.
Alright then, jerk.
I apologized several times. And I am sorry. I felt so terrible that he was pissed at me. I felt so terrible for making the status. I even apologized for Caroline. I felt so terrible that I deleted the status and the comment. Honestly, I've had enough of Brody's baby crap. Yeah, go ahead and pull out the victim card. You're not only hurt here, Brody Mingram. Instead of assuming that I was making up stories, how about you ask me why I was mad?
Throughout the whole six months, I have never felt so disrespected in my life. Brody thinks he's never wrong. I can't stand up for myself when I'm with him. I just can't. When conflicts arise,(which occurred much too often with us) he just wants to quarrel and quarrel. Brody has never apologized to me. Never. He thinks he's the hottest and brightest guy in the world. He's got a Kanye West ego. Legit.
I deserve better. It's amazing it took six months for me to realize that. My friends were disappointed that I couldn't just end things with Brody. All of them including my mother, don't think very highly of him. Especially Caroline and Evan. I don't know why I couldn't break things off with Brody. I mean, I've had before.
For a day.
"Men often disappoint." A quote from my mom. She told me that one of her male co-workers had said that to her. I was honestly near tears that night when she said this to me. I'm beginning to believe the quote, because I'm seeing it with my own eyes.I don't know how many times I've bumped into jerk after creeper, after jerk, after creeper... I am just so sick of having my girls getting trampled by a bunch of losers. I am so sick of it. Everyone is hurting.
This past week, I've had every kind of problem. School, cheer, relationships, family... gosh. I have never cried so much in one week. When Friday finally rolled along, I was feeling very down. My friends kept pointing it out that I was zoning out and looking very depressed through out the day. I had embarrassed myself in front of my history with a terribly messy project, and had let my group down. My bad feelings escalated when I failed my chemistry test that I studied really hard for. By lunch it was mid afternoon and I almost cried at lunch. My friends noticed by depressed spirits, but I couldn't get out of it.When I was speaking up in evil ex-nun's lady's class, I was on the verge of tears. We were discussing, "The Crucible" and I get incredibly nervous when I speak up in her class. So, as I was explaining the significance of a person's name, I somewhat stumbled on my words and my eyes began to water very quickly. The evil- ex nun lady knew I was upset about something, but she looked up at me with a smile. The highlight of my day- evil ex-nun lady likes for me to look into my heart.

At the end of the day, things got worse. I was peer pressured to go watch some of my friends drink themselves to death at a park before the football game. My friends and I ended not being able to find the park and I was glad. I wasn't going to drink and I didn't want to watch my friends get drunk. I was upset when I found out that Savanna had gotten drunk and rode in the car with a drunk driver. Savanna, one of my best friends- a sister. She wanted me, Lia, and Evan to be there so she wouldn't be tempted to drink.

This whole "drinking party at a sketch park", made me very angry and I was not afraid to show it. Evan just wanted to go because her crush, Jesse would be there. She didn't want to go alone. I honestly didn't care about Jesse. I was more concerned about our safety and our reps.First of all, the boys who were involved went and bought the beer from some sketch guy, while wearing our school's logo on themselves. When you look at our logo, you would be able to tell that we are Christians. We're a well-known Catholic school, so if they guy turned out to be a cop... imagine. Our school tries to shelter us so badly, but they fail each time. They forget that we're teenagers just like every other kid in the local schools. If the find out about the drinking party or parties(apparently kids do this every Friday at the same park) the whole school would be in total uproar. Besides that, they would be in such trouble for underage drinking. The boys bought forty-eight beers. Way to go, boys. I was so very happy that Lia got lost and we couldn't find the park. I only agreed to go, so I could watch out for Savanna because she wanted us to be there with her. Me, Lia, and Evan went out for dinner instead. We arrive back at school in time for the game and Savanna, the boys, and a couple of sophomores arrive at the game, drunk.
Have you noticed that a lot of songs are about alcohol overdose?
"Blame It" by Jamie Foxx, "Shots" by Lmfao, Tik Tok by Keisha... etc.
I fail to see the "joy" of getting wasted. No thanks, I'll take a coke.
I do listen to these songs though. I admit it. Not because I agree with them, it's just that they have hot dance beats. I ignore the lyrics.
I just hope my life gets better, because I am just so sick of the drama and problems I'm having.
This is not the whole story, by the way.
Honestly, I can't take it.
I hate my life.
I have some things to look forward to.
Let's put life in the sunlight shall we?
I have a photoshoot coming up around the twentieth. I am so excited. And I'm so excited to meet the photographer. His name is Rasul and he is HOT. His smile would just melt you. I actually haven't met him before. He's my friend's ex boyfriend and he randomly added me on facebook over the summer. He's really sweet. Rasul a senior that goes to school in downtown.It's a pretty wicked school. That's where you will find a lot of the photographers and musicians. It's nice. Nice variety. Also, the first basketball game is on Thursday. I'm really happy about that. I am estatic to make signs and hand out candy to the basketball players. Each cheerleader is assigned to one player. I already have one player in mind that I would like to make signs for. Next month, basketball season may get a little crazy. We get to play against Brody's school. Our schools are not rivals, but Brody's team play like the NBA and they always have college reps appearing at their games.
Let's just hope that when Brody sees my face- beaming and cheering, he might just get a teeny bit flustered and miss the hoop. "Opps, I made a mistake."