Friday, April 18, 2008


This week went by slooooooooowly. I am so happy it's Friday! I had an awesome day. I was all smiles.
I think passed my algebra quiz and my english quiz. And oh my gosh, a boy did the most sweetest thing for me today. This may sound corny, but this boy held the door open for me as he saw me preparing to enter. But it was the way he flattered me with his attention that caught my breath. The boy actually rushed past me, so he could open the door for me. "Oh, my gosh thank you!" I said, with shock. And then he flashed me a gorgeous smile saying,"Any time." He said this with gratitude and I wonder if my thanks really did please him. It was so sweet! I was flattered. I was so flattered that I was too shocked to look at his face properly. I honestly think that they reason why a lot of boys don't show chivalry because a lot of girls don't take the time to notice or thank the boys! Or, some of us girls claim that the boys think that we can't do anything ourselves and when it comes to chivarly they become fire-breathing feminists. It's awful. But, I'm not going to rant on and on about this. Anyway, I better go. It's late and I'm still in my uniform. Yuck.

-Thanks radu for the comment. Hahah my first comment.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I'm not really in a good mood today.


Algebra is depressing me. I'm very close to failing that stupid subject. Gosh, it makes me so angry how I can't get anything in that friggin class. Do you know how much I HATE failing? The rest of my grades of excellent but, of course it's always math that blocks me from the Principal's List. I mean, I have tutors and everything and I still cannot pass a test. I've passed a few this semester but, I am so tired of working harder than everyone else in the class. When am I going to use this crap anyway?
You know, I have three more years of highschool. That is alot of math. I'm not going to remember all that junk. I can't even remember how to solve equations that I learned just yesterday. It's not only algebra that's pissing me off but, it's everything else. School is stressing me out, big time. I'm not even sure if I'm good in anything anymore. My writing skills have weakened, and the struggle of self-discovery is becoming suffocating journey. As I struggle to figure who I truly am, I'm also having difficulty on how life really works and if... if... there is a boy out there for me. I know I'm young but, it'll be nice to meet someone who reaches my standards, or we meet each others. I actually had an opportunity to be with someone. Matt, of course. He was ready to date and I was... not. And, after doing a lot of serious thinking, he gave up on me. So, now I'm giving up on him. I'm tired of waiting for boys. They're not worth it. My education is more important right now. But, still my heart throbs and cheeks become aflame whenever I see him. "Maybe, he secretly likes you." Callie,had said. "Why he can't he just admit?! I cried, in outrage. " This is not middle school!"

He doesn't like me. I know that for sure. I know he use to... when I wasn't ready. It's quite painful when you truly DO like someone and they don't feel the same way. This happens to me all the time. Perhaps I'm doing something wrong. After all, the last time a boy admitted of having feelings for me(In person too) was the sixth grade. Sixth grade!!! Was it even for real? Matt is a sweetheart but, I can't have him. He's the ONLY decent guy I know. The boys at my school are all the same- impure and cocky. You say that I'm young and I have plenty of time. I know that but, it IS nice to be with someone, you know. I actually don't know that for a fact because I've never had a boyfriend before. The boy either does not reach my standards, or I don't reach his. Most of the time, I don't reach his. I've noticed that a lot of people notice the outer beauty, and the inner beauty last. News flash? No. I've also noticed that the most beautiful girls in the freshman year (Caroline and Helen) get most of the "male attention" because they're gorgeous. Really, they are. Boys are commenting on their beauty. " Man, she's so pretty." The boys would say. A boy has never really called me "pretty", or "beautiful" before expect in the sixth grade. He didn't necessarily say it to my face though, like how the boys would say to Caroline and Helen.

I'm always called,"cute." Why I am always friggin cute?! Why can't I be beautiful or pretty for once? I'm not trying to say that I need male approval to feel beautiful but like any other girl, I tend to be vain at times. I want boys to look at me. I'm not desperate. I just want to be admired. After all, every girl wants to be admired by the male population. That's just how we're wired. Girls always want to please others. It's an undying desire that can really bring us down. That is why most girls are perfectionists. At times, I cannot help but feel a twinging sense of jealous whenever I am with my galfriends. All of them are so very very beautiful. Some of my guyfriends even implied it. Of course, I'm the plain one amongst my galfriends.Maybe, just maybe I WILL be beautiful when I'm all grown up with a successful career.

"It's MY Choice."

One of the things I absolutely loathe is when parents block the road of personality development. In other terms, when parents get in the way. For example,f or a very long time, I wanted to become a cheerleader. I've always admired cheerleading, but for quite some time I bashed cheerleading because I envied the girls who were given the chance to become part of a squad. Continuously, I've been told that I'm always smiling andhat I'm peppy and I'm always in the state of happiness. "The qualities of cheerleader." my friend Mel,stated. It took me awhile to admit this because, I feared of the stereotypes that were circulating around in our society and I thought well, people would not accept me. Now, I am determined to follow my dream, regardless of what my mother says. Thanks to her, pursuing cheerleading is going to be difficult. She thinks that cheerleading is quote on quote, "Stupid and a waste of time." But, oh I love the energy of it! I need to do something that I absolutely feel confident in, and I think cheerleading is it. I've been wanting to participate for a very long time. Ballet is just not my thing. I'm planning to quit when the school year ends. All this time, I have NEVER had a good ballet class. I am the slowest one in there, and I look absolutely DISGUSTING in a leotard. As soon as I walk into class, my confidence plummets to the lowest level. It's crazy and after talking to Mel last night, I really want to quit. I cannot believe I wasted my time. Ballet is so beautiful and I wish I were brilliant at it but, it's just not my thing. I do well in dancing that involves alot of energy. Ballet is just too graceful. I AM going to be a cheerleader. No matter what my mother says. I can't let her get in the way anymore. After all, it's MY choice.

Monday, April 14, 2008

His name is...Matt<3

Lately, I haven't been myself. In other words, my mind is warped with all sorts of things that confuse me. As I grow older, my feelings toward the opposite sex changes dramatically. Just last year(eighth grade) I had this strong feeling, somewhat hatred towards boys. Ha, no. That's an exaggeration. I just really fed up with them and I based my life on stereotypes that were directed towards boys. Yes, in middle school I was quite narrow minded. I still don't understand why I felt this way when I was desperate when it came to boys. I was an idiot. Now, that I am in high school,(I did alot of growing up during the summer) my mind is clear and open. Although, believing that "not all boys are perves", etc is a challenge for me. My eyes just can't seem to open and look farther. Perhaps I'm relying on the media and what others tell me instead of the truth.

To clear this all up, I am NOT sexist. Really I'm not. So anyway, my point is, when it comes to crushes I tend to feel very strongly. Not necessarily obession and definitely not love. Occasionally, I may doodle my name with my crushes' in class but, most of us girls do that, correct? Actually, I'm now into what I call, "couple combo names" like they do in Hollywood.(Zanessa, Bradgelina,Wentlee,etc) it's fun to use my classmates names and just make cute names. I know, I know. What a total time waster.

Well, I am sure by now, strangers that you've guessed that I have fallen for someone. What I mean by "fallen" is not love. I DO believe that teenagers can fall in love and can achieve true love but I know for certain that I am NOT in love. His name is Matt. And let me tell you, when I first met him I couldn't even image liking him more as a friend. The first time we spoke, Matt was flirting like mad and I was just laughing it off. We would talk before and after school. We would greet each other whenever we got a chance. Then right before the Christmas hoildays the school announced a Sadie Hawkins dance. At the time, I wasn't interested in any boy. There was one boy I would of liked to ask and I didn't even know his name. Lol! He's just a really cute sophomore in my lunch period.

My mom told me to make a list of my guyfriends who I wouldn't mind asking to the dance. My problem was not the asking. Believe me. It was choosing the right boy. Finally, I came to the conclusion.
"Why don't I ask Matt?"
My friend Chelsea read my mind and said to me,"Why don't you ask Matt?" "You read my mind!" I had exclaimed, with a beam.
"Yeah, he would love it."
I was so excited to ask him. I couldn't wait till the end of the day. When the time finally came, I pulled him aside and asked. I was slightly nervous but, I have no problem asking boys out. (I asked one guy to Homecoming before and that's about it) Matt blushed with pleasure and said,"Sure." Afterwards, we walked down the hallway together in excruciating silence.

I won't deny the fact that Sadie Hawkins was awkward. It was terribly awkward. Matt is really bashful person, and his stupid friends kept pressuring him to do "stuff" with me. The slow dance, I must say was romantic. Very romantic and very nice. It was Matt's first time as well as mine, so it was "awkwardly cute." We didn't know how to approach each other. I even remember the song we slow danced too. "Until the End of Time" by Justin Timberlake. Matt even got me a rose but, he offered to put it away for me and lost it. Lol. How disappointing. Anyway, after Sadie our friendship got terribly awkward and it sort of shatter for quite some time. We became awkward friends. We both liked each other very much but Matt was alot shy about then I was and his immature cohorts got involved, so he started to avoid me.

Thankfully, Matt and I are "okay" now. Slowly, getting back into the "I think I like him, "I think I like her" phase. Now, after that loong story I'll tell you about Matt. You probably already pointed out the fact that he's incredibly sweet and gentle. He's so innocent-like a little boy! Isn't that adorable? And, he's very, very intelligent and very cute. :) He has the most beautiful big brown eyes I have ever seen. As I got to know him, I noticed how cute he was! And what a nice guy he truly is. A lot of the other guys and girls teased him because he is quote on quote, "weak", and "just weird." Some said it would be "cute" if we were together or "wrong" because he's white and I'm black. My friends would tease him in my company and for sometime, I was embarrassed about my date. Now, I am not.

Another reason why I would consider dating him, is because he's different. I admire different because I am different. He's not "Mr. Popular" and I like that. Matt is my type. Pure, kind, sweet, patient, intelligent, and different. And of course, he's a cutie. I just really hope that maybe someday, even if it takes Matt till sophomore year, to pluck up the courage to say something. I know he's been wanting to for a very long time. (Valentine's day was suppose to be the day...) He's tried to move on, I see. He started to crush on some of my friends (Lexi, Savannah, and Vienna) and that hurt for a bit. But according to Vienna, Matt still has a thing for me.

It's the truth right?

Song of the Week


By: Phantom Planet

Sorry, I couldn't post the video on here. This song is awesome. Speaks for itself. My heart longs for Cali.

We�ve been on the run
Driving in the sun
Looking out for #1
California here we come
Right back where we started from

Hustlers grab your guns
Your shadow weighs a ton
Driving down the 101
California here we come
Right back where we started from

Here we come!

On the stereo
Listen as we go
Nothing�s gonna stop me now
California here we come
Right back where we started from
Pedal to the floor
Thinkin� of the roar
Gotta get us to the show
California here we come
Right back where we started from

Here we come!

lyrics from

Hey, Stranger.

Nice day isn't it? Lol. Once again, I had very little assignments to complete. I'm very happy about that. I'm definitely going to get some sleep tonight. I was so very glad to see my friends after Spring Break. Nice little reunion. And now, I'm really really bored. Very unusual for me on a school night. Lol. My life is so boring. When I am all grown up, my life is going to be full excitement. I am going to amaze the world with my words. Watch me.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

L.A Is A Dream Come True <3

Hey!!! It's been two weeks right? Well, spring break was the best. I had so much fun! I saw the most amazing things and had the chance to live the"high life" for a week. California is so beautiful. The sunsets took my breathe away. The weather was perfect and the people there are so friendly. I miss it already! I spent alot of time at the mall and the beach with my friend Rylan. We did ALOT of surfing.

I am going to Standford University and I am going to live in California for eternity. And perhaps, by then I will be a celebrity. California is the land of the stars. I have always admired the celeb life. Surprisingly, I've spotted some celebrities! I saw Hayden Painterre, Rod Stewart, and I did a television interview with Billy Nye! {The science guy) I am telling strangers, L.A is a dream. It is so exciting. I was too sad to leave. Now, I am back in Atlanta. Ugh. It is sooo boring here, it makes me angry. And, I have school tomorrow. Spring break is over. What a shame.

Only six more weeks of school left!!!!