2009= A year of hope

I have this wonderful feeling that good things are bound to happen in 2009.
God has a plan. He always does.
I trust Him. And I love him. With all my heart... with all my everything.
I'm smiling because I know this id a year where life could be seen under a brighter light. I feel as if this is the time when my relationship with Christ will deepen and blossom into a bigger flower. I've been spending more time with Him. I write a few of my favorite Bible verses on my bedroom walls. I also feel like 2009 is the year when my cheer dreams will finally come true... and when Troy will find me through the grace of God. I'm waiting for him. I'm keeping my eyes open, but I'm letting God take control. He's the best match-maker. I pray for Troy. I prayed for him so hard tonight. I prayed the rosary just for him. Just a thought- if his name really is Troy, that would be amazing. I love that name.
Troy.
That's why I chose it. =)
Happy New Year's everyone. Have hope for 2009. Good things are coming. This year was incredible for me. Lots of new changes and blessings. When I wake up, I'm writing down all of the bad memories of 2008 and shredding them. (got that idea from the news. CNN I think.)Forget the past.
Resolutions

1. Deepen my relationship with Christ
2. Cheer harder
3. Work harder

Troy

His name is Troy.
Troy is in love with Jesus. He is open about his love and is very religious. The Bible fills his mind with hope and courage, and the church is his home. He is someone I can worship, praise, and pray with. We can read the Bible together and make rosaries for others. He is Christ-like. Troy is pure in the heart, mind, and soul. He strays himself away from the impurity that plaques the world and the sexual temptations that he faces as a young man. He is sweeter than the rain falling down your shoulders, sweeter than snowflakes tangling in your hair. He is the security blanket any girl would wrap themselves in. He is cautious and gentle like a fluttering butterfly, yet quick and strong like a fierce tiger. Troy is romantic like a Shakespeare love ballad. He may not be the cleverest guy around, but Troy sure has class and knows how to be a gentlemen. He can make tears turn into laughter any day.

Troy is someone who doesn't mind taking silly pictures with me or sneaking out late at night to Waffle House. He blows kisses to me whenever we pass in the hallways or when we are several inches apart from each other in the school cafeteria. He promises me a white roses for the first day of each month and leaves me sweet messages in my locker or on my cell. We can take the longest walks and have church and ice cream dates on Sundays. This boy would come over for dinner once and while, and he would tell my mom that she's beautiful no matter what. He listens to my woes, fears, and joy. I can see the stars and the world and the blue skies in his sparkling eyes. Troy is not only a lover, but a fighter- for what is good and for what is right.

He is a friend, a secret-keeper, a hero. Troy gazes into my eyes and gives me a gift of honesty and understanding.This boy makes me feel special, wanted, and admired. He brings the good out of me. I feel roller coasters in my stomach when he passes, and he leaves me breathless whenever he smiles. He respects me and looks at me a woman of God- a child of God. Troy is like a knight; he will open the doors and lend me a hand when I need help the most. He gives me kisses on the cheek when we part, and kisses on lips when he can't bare to leave me alone.I can trust this boy with my heart. I look up to his dreams and everything that he does. Troy is no perfection- he makes mistakes like the rest of us, but he confesses his sins to the Lord, apologizes sincerely to those he has hurt, and cleans up the mess. But, there is one thing that is gravely wrong about him.

It kills me. It murders me. It wounds me.
Ah, how my heart aches. Ouch, it burns.
One thing that is terribly wrong about Troy is...
He is not real.
Or could he be?
I do pray.

Flashback of 2008 :Confirmation & Football games

October 18, 2008.
Confirmation day.
I woke up with a smile planted on my face, knowing well that this day would be fantastic. I had a hair appointment and it ended tragically. The hair dresser had cut my hair, instead of giving me a trim. Thank God that my hair has grown since then. Anyway, the whole ceremony was amazing. The Archbishop Wilton Gregory is hilarious and made all of the confirmandee(teens who were getting confirmed) feel very comfortable. Wow. I am now fully blessed with the Holy Spirit and now I am really a member of the Catholic Church. The whole ceremony was really lovely. The Archbishop asked each of us a question when it was our turn to go up to him. When we answered the question, the Archbishop We all had to do a little bit of studying. My Confirmation saint is St. Maria Goretti, patron saint of young girls and purity. I took a lot of pictures and had a small celebration at the house. I got lovely gifts from my Confirmation sponsor as well. Confirmation is such a beautiful sacrament. All of the teens got a really pretty crucifix necklace at the end. I use to wear it all the time. I still have it, and I'm never going to lose it. I can't wait for Caroline to get confirmed next year. She gets to go to Camp Covecrest! That camp changed my life tremendously.

Football games.
Are the best.
Oh how I love Friday night football. Ahh! :) I miss those so much. However, there is only one game that I'm never going to forget. The game when my school beat our rival. August 29, 2008. It's been what, six years since we last beaten them? That was the best football game I have ever been to. I stayed after school for that one and that was a total blast. Alot of people were tailgating and there was a dj and everything. It was extremely hot, but I enjoyed running around with my friends. We all dressed in our school colors and shouted ourselves hoarse throughout the game to cheer our school on. That game was simply amazing. Everyone danced to the marching band music with shakers and all, and everyone was just so full of energy.

Flashback of 2008: The Kiss

October 4, 2008. Homecoming night.
Chris Angel gave me my first kiss. We were slow dancing to "No Air", by Jordan Sparks. The lights were dim and it was very hot inside the school gym.Chris had already kissed me a thousand times on the forehead that same night, but this time was different. During the slow dance, we made such intense eye contact that I had to turn away. I was flushed and my heart was beating so fast. I wanted to kiss him on the cheek, but I didn't know how to approach him. I could see Mel smiling at us from the corner of my eye. I felt comfortable in Chris's arms, but I tried not to draw so close. Soon enough, the boy drew me a little bit closer and I soon gave in. Then seconds later, I hear hushed voice command, "Look at me."

I looked up and he kissed me.
The kiss was innocent, but our hearts were beating as one, quickly and leaving the both of us completely breathless. The atmosphere was intense, and everything else seemed magical. Mel watched us and gushed, "OOOh!" I smiled brightly when we broke apart.Quickly, yet carefully he kissed me again, and I promise you, I was going to die of exhilaration.
"Do you like it when I kiss you?" he asked, quietly.
I nodded, beaming.
"Then kiss me back."
I did. :)

My friend John saw us kissing and he gave me a strange look when I looked over at him. I didn't care. The kiss was... wow. When the song was over, we embraced then we walked around holding hands. Take note we were "just friends". (cough, cough, yeah. Hahaha! Of course after that, we were definitely more than friends.) I told Chris to wait for a minute, so I could rush to Caroline and her friends and tell them what had happened. They all shrieked when I broke the news to them. "What does it feel like?!" The girls all demanded. "Um, I answered, breathlessly. Really nice." How can you describe a kiss? It's a moment that I hold dear to my heart. Whenever I think about it, I can't help but smile. Chris then asked me to be his girlfriend in the car ride home. We were holding hands in the backseat and then he whispered in my ear, "Will you be mine?"

Flashback of 2008 :Chris Angel

There are so many things to say about this boy. I'll try not to "overwrite."
Dear God,
There is something I would- well, let me spill it out. You know Chris Angel? Well, is he right for me? I mean, are we meant to be? Maybe not forever, but do we have some sort of future together? Like boyfriend && girlfriend? I don't know, Father, it's too early, way too early to tell. It's just that I have this feeling... I don't know, maybe I'm acting stupid. But, Chris really wants to meet me and I really really want to meet him. I don't know why Lord, but I am baffled. What is this foreign feeling that I am having? I barely know Chris and yet his profile on faceboook-him expressing his love for You and your son Jesus just melted my heart. There are not alot of teenage guys like that out there. Well no, I shouldn't say that. There are. They're just hard to find. From what I know about Chris, it sounds like he's pure too. That's one of the things I want, Lord.
A pure guy.
A pure relationship. I mean, do I really match with any guy? Chris? Oh Father, I want to meet him. I feel as if he can change me somehow in a good way. God, if this is your will...
Love your daughter,
Rose
- September 3, 2008 first letter written to God.

When we first started talking. The first date. Everything. If you really want to know, you can search the blog by typing in, 'Chris Angel.' The first date was amazing. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. When he wrapped his arms around me, and gazed into my eyes... I knew for sure that that boy was for me. Chris Angel is a gift. He walked into my life the day after my life changed. It's incredible. He's taught me so much and he makes me feel so good about myself. He helped me find my inner and outer beauty. He looked inside of me. Chris was the first boy that I was truly infatuated with, and he told me that I was the same to him. He called me all the time and he cared for me. I called him 'Prince Charming.' I got that idea from my friend Emily."Ahh he's like Prince Charming, Rose!"

Our friendship was rare and special, because it happened so fast and it was full of hidden love and with God. We had an incredible spiritual connection and everything. Christ was the center of our relationship. We made a promise to each other that we were going to keep the relationship pure and godly. "We not going to do any of that '"stuff'"."(sexual stuff) He had said. Chris was like my diary. I could tell him anything and everything. I talked to him how I talk to my sister, Caroline. We got really close. He was a wonderful friend who always made me laugh and gave me honest advice and feedback when needed. Now do you understand why the break-up was so hard for me to bare?

How can you let a friendship and a relationship break into pieces and leave it on the floor? I have hope for 2009. Not for a relationship again, but for that sweet, somewhat romantic friendship Chris and I had at first. He is right though- we did rush into a relationship and everything. But at the end, I didn't care. I was infatuated and my heart was beating painfully for him. I grew attached like strings on a puppet. A part of me blames myself for the break-up and why he went out and cheated on me. You see, I did't tell you all the whole story. It's not much, but its totally ridiculous.

It was Thursday night. A few days before the break-up. I was at Wal- Mart when Chris had called me. I had missed yet another call from him that very same week. The last time we spoke was Monday. He had called me Wednesday night and left me the sweetest phone message. Ah :) Anyway, when Chris called me I had just gotten back from a two-hour Confirmation rehearsal and I was down in the dumps for some odd reason. Man, why am I feeling like this? Ah! I HAVE to call Chris tonight and oh no, I still have a lot of homework to do." When I picked up, Chris jokingly said, "You NEVER pick up the phone!" And well, you know me. I took him way too seriously, so I snapped back. "I'm out!" And blah, blah, blah. Chris laughed and said he was joking, but quickly grew worried when I wasn't laughing back. I couldn't. I was feeling depressed from the rehearsal and the Aduration, and I was on the verge of tears. Chris asked me if I were alright.

"Yeah. My voice quivered. "Let me call you later, ok?"
"Ok, he replied, quietly sounding sad. He thought I was mad at him. "Bye."
I just hung up. Ugh. I'm a brat.

To make a long story super short, I popped a question that I could beat myself up for. But I won't. I either didn't listen to my heart, or I was way too emotionally drawn into the relationship.
I think both.
"Do you think we could... fall in love?"
Rosalina Marianna Cristelle Valentine. Honestly.
I killed the relationship. I killed it. I should of asked that question way later. But to tell you the truth, I wasn't talking about falling in love now. I was talking about later... in the future. Really. I should of said, "Do you think it's possible for us to fall in love someday?" OR, I could of just shut up. " Maybe, Chris replied. "It's possible. You know that Nike saying? 'Impossible is nothing.' Anything is possible." We talked about it for awhile. "You want to fall in love with me?" Chris asked, in a soft, flattering tone. I will never forget his tone of voice when he uttered those words. "Yeah, I replied quietly. Then, I told him how I felt about him and he told me he felt the same way.

Next time we talked? Sunday. The break-up phone call. Day after Confirmation, around nine am. I was a wreck.
He couldn't deal with the distance, but we were only thirty minutes away from each other. He said we were moving too fast(there you go. that's true) and we rushed into the relationship. "We should of stayed friends longer." And then the major part of the hurt I felt: the cheating. Most of you already know the story. I will not go into extreme detail. Party the night before. Girl liked him. Kissed him and he kissed back. He said that when I called, he was at the party. I should of been on his mind at the time right? Chris Angel broke my heart. He broke it. I cried so much. I felt hurt and pain that I have never felt before. It was real. So real. I couldn't get over him. I trashed the stuff he gave me( bad advice from an angry friend. I regret it. I don't blame my friend, I blame myself. I didn't have to take that stupid advice. I'm the one who did it, not her.),deleted his number from my phone and offered up my broken to the Lord to mend. I couldn't fix it on my own. A rebound is the wrong thing to do, and it wouldn't of helped anyway. For the longest, I couldn't believe that any guy would come along my way soon enough and be much better than Chris Angel. Come to think of it, Trevor made me forget Chris. He made him fade out of the picture. But, he was no rebound. I started to talk to him way after the break-up and he was really... well....

Chris met my top standards and everything. He didn't want to break-up.... he was fine with "just dating" but I wanted just friendship. For awhile, I regretted that decision. I felt as if finding a guy better than Chris or just like him (but even better) was totally impossible. He's amazing. I admired everything about him- he's purity, he's ambition to work hard in school and soccer, his care, his comfort, his everlasting humor, and most importantly his love for Christ. "I'm in love with Jesus, he had said. "I am so happy, we're talking about the Bible!" We talked about God and faith the second day we started talking. I remember several weeks later, Chris had called me Sunday morning to tell me that he had an emotional connection with God. "I just broke down and cried, Rose. I cried." We always talked about God and our faith. We would pray together all the time. He gave me attention that no guy has ever given me. Chris gave me the male attention that my father, most of the time fails to give. How can I forget Chris Angel? He was my first love, and he would forever be. He gave me my first kiss too. I wrote him a poem, the weekend before Homecoming and it took me two hours to write. It's the best poem that I have ever written. I really had to dig deep down in my heart. He told me that I was the first girl to write him a poem. I made it all pretty with a big red heart and with a "touch of magic", I added my signature look: the glitter and the ribbons. :) I'll make a separate post later.

I didn't feel any bitterness towards him... at first. Chris said I took everything well. I didn't curse, scream, or shout. Of course I cried. I always feel comfortable crying with him around, but that's not the point. I cried because I was shocked and hurt while everyone else was like, "Well, I saw it coming Rose." Really. I forgave him and I told him that the day he broke up with me. But for some reason, talking to an angry friend, made me feel bitter and that's when I tossed the stuff Chris gave me into the woods of my backyard without a thought. Who knew, four weeks later I would go back looking for it? For awhile, a part of me wanted to keep looking and another just wanted to let this hot mess go. " Rose, you are out in the woods looking for something that a boy gave you?! Evan had sneered on the phone that day. "And you haven't even started your homework!" Bad mistake. Bad mistake. I've learned my lesson. Hopefully in the future, Chris wouldn't ask if I had kept that stuff. DANG IT. Oh my gosh. He'll think I'm a jerk. You want to bet that he kept my poem?

I brought my sister along with me. "Let's get rid of some damaged goods." I had said.Then right after cheer I randomly searched his page, and saw his new relationship status. When I burst into tears, Caroline automatically took over the computer and got positively pissed. She wrote all over Chris' wall on facebook with her anger and made a bunch of her statuses just about him. "You break her heart, I BREAK YOUR FACE. Obviously, you forgot." Then she put a smiley face at the end. And another, "You are a jerk, yes you are! Everyone at school knows who you are!" "Well, you move on quickly..." She even threatened him that she would break his face if he broke my heart, when Chris and I were "dating flirty friends."It was wrong for her to give him such a hard time on facebook, getting everyone caught up in my mess, but I'm just as guilty. I was there. Right there. And I remember moments when I laughed. I was hurt and angry and everyone was telling me that I had a right to be feeling that way. I did tell my sister to tone it down a bit, but she didn't listen. Then the next day, Mel talked to Caroline about it. She said that Chris had called her saying,"Rose's sister is giving me a bad reputation at your school!" My sister ended up in tears. "NO ONE understands! She hollered, tears streaming down her face "You hurt my friends or my sisters, you hurt me too!"

Mel said that Chris had said that he wasn't cross with my sister. Just frustrated, because she was telling everybody what he did. "He understands." Mel had said.I began to feel bad too, but I said nothing. Chris doesn't know that I was there when my sister did all this. And you should never find out. He would hate me. Mel convinced Chris that the new girl he was sorta kinda with was bad news. "I told him not to go out with her." He did get an official new girlfriend three weeks after that." I have a lot of school and soccer going on." He had told me that Sunday. I beginning to think that that was just an excuse not to be with me anymore. Mel got really angry when I told her. "What?! She cried. "I told him to stop getting into relationships! He's not a relationship person. He's just creating problems for himself! I told him to just date!" I nodded, still feeling hurt when we discussed this. We were at Chile's eating dinner. Mel shook her head. "That's ridiculous, she hissed. "You deserve way much better. There are a lot of nice guys out there. Just keep your eyes open.""He's not a jerk.I said. "He just made a mistake. At least he told me what happened."
"Yeah, he's not. He's just 'middle-school' when it comes to relationships." But Mel is right. I do deserve better. Funny how I just now realized that. Chris Angel was perfect in my eyes. I told him that all the time.He was different from most teenage guys. He wore an abstinence bracelet with no shame. "Yeah, I'm saving sex for marriage. Sex is not just to have fun. It's for creating children."

All of this about 2-3 months ago, by the way.

That boy said the sweetest&& cutest things:

"You're so pretty... you're so beautiful. Your face, everything is just perfect." (favorite)

"I wanna see you too, and pick you up and be like superman for a minute." (favorite)

"You're pretty." He said, sincerely. I smiled. "You really think so?" I whispered "Yeah, he replied. "You are. And you have a nice smile. "Wow, Catholic? That's a plus."

(In a sing- song voice) ♫"I wanna talk to my baaaaby."♫

And about our first date he said, "When we hugged and when you looked at me, I was like man, I wanna kiss her. But I was like no, this is the first date!"

"I love how you're so religious, Rose. "Makes me want to become a better person. You set me on the right track." (favorite)

You're beautiful, you're smart, you're a good cheerleader... "You're perfect. And you're different, Rose. Just like me." And you know what else I like about you? You tell me how you feel." I didn't want to let go when we hugged goodbye."

"You have a pretty smile, Rose. Pretty everything."

"Lord, please help me get lost in her eyes."(favorite)

"You didn't pick up the phone, I thought you were at home, whenever I think of you my heart goes boom, boom, boom. "(AHH he's got MAD rhyming skills. Seriously. He can make up a good rap/poem in like, five seconds and the rhymes are brilliant. It's so cute!)

"You make me feel like I'm on top of the world."

"You bring out the good in me." (favorite)

" I really appreciate you. Thank you for praying for me."

Him: "You're my beautiful princess."
Me: "And you're my prince charming."

"You really think my eyes sparkle? You're always so sweet to me, Rose."

"You're all that I ever wanted in a girl." (favorite)

"You're the first girl that I've actually "liked." (favorite)

"You are the sweetest girl I have ever met."

" I like your name because, I like you."

Him: "You're amazing."
Me: " You're amazing."
Him: "How?"
Me: "You're different."
Him:*starts to freak out* "What?! What are you talking about-!"
Me: "Good different."

"I love being with you, I love gazing into your eyes, I love kissing you..."

Me: "You're perfect."
"No, don't say that, he would reply quietly. "Because if I make a mistake, you'll be very disappointed. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. You're perfect."

Me: "Ugh, I've been digging through my closet for two hours!"
Him: "Look, I don't care what you look like. I'm still going to give you a good time. I mean, you can come in sweats- I wouldn't recommend it, but I won't treat you any different."(favorite)

"I want to get lost in your eyes like the roaring seas, because they're pretty like rosemaries."(HAHAA mad rhyming skills)

"You make me feel puerrty." (HAHA)

"You have pretty eyes. Although they're dark, they have that nice almond shape that I like."

"You are the most amazing thing that has happened to me..." (favorite)

"I'm single now, but not for long. It's going to be surprise..."

Him: "I like- uh, never mind that's weird."
Me: "No, say it."
Him: "I like your lips. What do you think about your lips?" (HAHAA thanks Chris!)
Me: *laughs* "They're okay."
Him: "Okay?!"

"Lord, please bless her, because girls like her don't always come along."

*Setting: Homecoming Dance. It was nearly over and Neyo's hit song, 'Closer' was blasting in the speakers. When Neyo sang, "& she shines just like a star..." Chris mouthed those words, looking straight at me. (favorite)

"You make me happy."

"I'll call you late at night, and I'll be like, 'Heey baby' and you'll be like, 'Hey smookums'."

"I feel like I married to you, like committed, but we're just far away." (favorite)

"You are one of the most beautiful and strongest people I have ever met." (He told me that when he broke up with me)

Song that reminds me of him: 'Banana Pancakes'-Jack Johnson (one of his favorites)
Song he dedicated to me: 'Angel'-Jack Johnson

& how did we get here?
I use to know you so well... -'Decode' by Paramore

"&& I remember
the words you
say, they hit
Replay."- me

Flashback of 2008: Camp Covecrest

I will never forget the weekend I spent at Camp Covecrest.
September 5-7 2008.
Camp Covecrest is a Catholic teen camp in Tiger, Georgia and I spent one weekend there in preparation for my Confirmation. At first, I wasn't too thrilled about going to camp. I was stressing over my weekend homework, missing a school dance, and I was suppose to meet Chris Angel. Who knew that that camp would change my life? Who knew it was worth missing all those events? This camp is a camp full of worship and praise. It was the best and first camp that I have ever been too. The sunsets and the stars at night were raw with such beauty that I have never seen. There was lots of love and comfort all around and I instantly felt a spiritual connection with every single teen at the camp. I made alot of new friends as well. Best of all, I opened myself to Jesus Christ. I considered myself open to Jesus before Camp Covecrest, however, I was just going through the "motions." Waking up Sunday morning attending Mass, not really paying attention to the words and going to youth group without much enthusiasm. Simply put, I was feeling empty of God's love and I needed to set my heart on fire with my faith. And thankfully, Camp Covecrest showed me that love.

At the camp, there was true happiness. Jesus had filled our hearts with such joy that none of the other teens(including myself) had never felt before. The Eucharist Adoration was the most powerful prayer services I have ever been a part of. Finally, my feelings of emptiness had evaporated and I handed all my sorrows, worries, and insecurities to Jesus Christ. I shed tears like I have never done before. All of my make-up slid of my face. Every color of it. My youth minister, Courtney told us that the tears were signs of healing. Everything that we all had done drew us closer as teens, to one another. The music and prayer filled our empty hearts and our aching souls. Jesus' comforting words lingered in our ears and His face appeared everywhere. At Camp Covecrest, I had the best confession I have ever dreamed of. I felt true healing that left me breathless and weak with shame, tears, and joy. I learned a lot about how to live my faith from my adult leaders and I learned how to live by God's Word without hesitation. Camp Covecrest helped me open up to the true love of Jesus Christ. The weekend I spent there was the best weekend I have ever had. I was truly blessed to attend such a camp. Attending this camp was worth missing everything.

I had no desire to depart the camp after the weekend was over. I was thoroughly distraught. I did not want to go back to reality, where people got hurt and where living your faith was a painful challenge. I did not want to return to the impurity that surround me- the greed, the anger. But, I was told that this was not the end. And, when I stepped off that bus to go home, I did not have a clue that my life would change... for good. Thanks to Camp Covecrest, I view life differently and I think differently as well. This camp gave me a brighter light to look under and brighter future. This camp drew me to daily Mass and constant prayer. Who knew that the day after I arrived home from camp, God blessed me greatly with someone very special to me, who would deepen my spiritual life even more. Through out the month of September, I went through a long, intense, period of overwhelming happiness. I felt such joy, that is indescribable. God's love has power.
The proof is here.

Remember Christ in Christmas

Me and Caroline

Left to right: Caroline, Jenny(little sis)and Me

Merry Christmas, my fellow readers!
It's kind of warm for winter here in Georgia. :p Global warming, I'm telling you. Anyway, the day is just oh so grand. :) Everyone's in high spirits! I went to midnight mass with my mom and sisters and we dug through our stockings afterwards, and opened our presents after waking up. I got silly string(random. haha), eye glitter, nailpolish, and candy in my stocking. I got my purity ring. :) It's GORGEOUS, ahhh! I am so happy. My cheer shoes and Sephora gift card are coming later on, according to my mom. Caroline got a Northface jacket and 'To Write Love On Her Arms' t-shirt. Jenny got a new Nitendo Ds. We're all going to visit our cousins this evening. I'm pretty excited. It's going to be awesome. My mom's blasting Christmas carols in the house to keep the spirit going. && most importantly, we're keeping Christ in Christmas. A Savior is born. Remember Him today.

Shut up and let me go

Mom. Dad.
You have got to be kidding me.
Just because I'm out with a boy... don't assume we're "together" and we're "doing stuff."
Wow. You two obviously don't know me very well. I'm pure. I'm staying that way till I walk down that aisle and say, "I do." HONESTLY.

Ugh. I wish my parents weren't so old fashioned. Yesterday, I was out with my friends James and Nicole. We just saw the new Jim Carey movie (it's pretty good!) and we hung out at the mall. Nicole left early, so James and I hung out for two extra hours. I haven't him for over a year, so we did alot of catching up and talking. We talked about God and our faith for a very long time and he asked me alot of questions. He isn't religious. He' s not sure what to believe. James grew up Catholic, but he's not a practicing Catholic. Talking to him helped me recognize my relationship with God and Jesus Christ. I mean, I didn't sit there and preach, but I opened up my heart and told him just about everything and I really think I inspired him just a little bit. "You're very religious." he said. Anyway, while I was hanging with James my MOTHER kept blowing up my phone and I was totally irate. My dad just questioned me for about fifteen minutes, because he didn't know I was at the mall. My mom knew very well where I was, but still she snapped at me saying, " I didn't say yes!" Well, you didn't say anything when I told you. I growled, "I told you twice, Mom."

"What time are you coming home?"
"6:30. K bye." I hung up. Mom, let me be a teenaged girl for once. James is NOT my boyfriend. Gosh. That's so stupid. A girl and a guy can hang out in a friendly manner. James said that his mom questioned him too. "So, what are going to do with Rose at the mall?"
What?!
My mother was blowing up my phone and most of the time, I ignored her. She did the same thing when I was out with Chris Angel the first time. James and I were having a nice time just walking around and talking about life in general. We bumped into some of his friends and they all had funny grins on their faces when they saw me with him. Patrick, his (really attractive senior friend) was hilarious. "Hey, James- then he spots me, "Oh ,hey whose this?" He had a silly smirk on his face. Patrick introduced himself and we shook hand. There was another one, but I was too shy to approach him. Anyway, his friends were acting like they've never James hanging out with a girl before. "You know, James is a nice guy." Patrick said to me. I laughed and as they began to walk away, Patrick whispers something in James' ear and leaves. I was super curious, but I kept my mouth shut. After awhile, my mother called yet again (honestly, she's the only person on this earth who makes me so angry) and I decided to pick up. She began to yell at me and James could hear her too. Embarrassing.

"Didn't you say you'll be home at 6:30?!" My goodness. I'm getting irritated just typing about this. I guarantee you, if I were out with a girl, my mom wouldn't even care what time I would get home, or at least blow up my phone. She only does this if I'm with a boy. "Yes, but James' brother is picking us up now."I hissed into the mouth piece, not bothering to clean up my frustration. Mom began to freak out. "His BROTHER, how old is he? Didn't I tell you you're not allowed to be in the car with a teen driver-!
James looked at me incredulously. "Dang Rose, do you want me to talk to her?" I gladly handed him the phone.
!!!
James' brother, Solomon is 23. My mom accepted that. Whatever. That' a bunch of nonsense. "Why wouldn't your mom let a teen drive you?Jessica asked me the previous night. "You're a teen driver." I know. My mom is being so ridiculous. When I get my license, I get to use my dad' car and I would always be out hanging out with my friends. I hate staying at home. Anyway, Solomon picked us up (Ahhh he's brother is a hottie. Oh man, I think I am becoming a teenaged girl. I don't appear too boy crazy I hope. LOL.) and we had a fun conversation in the car. I had a nice time with James. He's really sweet and he's such a gentlemen. When I got home, my mom didn't say anything to me. Good, because I was getting ready to scream. I don't care if she doesn't want me hanging out with boys. I'm going to anyway. Boys can be my friends. My decision, not hers. Well, I don't know I don't think my mom has a problem with me being friends with them, but hanging out with them- yes. Whatever. Not my problem, honestly. So yes, I did ask James what Patrick had said to him. "Hey, I asked casually. "What did your friend say to you? I'm just curious." James hesitated. "Uh, don't worry about it."

Knew it.
I was persistent and James give in easily. He said it real fast. I heard a really vulgar sentence, but I wanted him to repeat himself so I can make sure.... but when I asked for a repeat James totally switched the words and said, "He said, she (referring to me) looks good, she's a keeper."
The keeper part is true, because that's what James said the first time, but the 'looks good' was a cover-up. Patrick had said something else and I know what is. It's something you shouldn't really say, you know? I will tell you and I'll put censors to make it clean as possible. Patrick said this:(f bomb) a (female dog), but she's ('she' as in referring to me) a keeper." Excuse me? What's that suppose to mean? Use me for sex, but keep me? Hahaaha DON'T think so. I have a big 'x' all over my body. Like a big electric fence. Touch, you are out of here. You're not my husband. Why must I offer my body to you? Anyway, I called Jessica and Mel, and Mel asked if I would consider just casually dating James. I said no. He's just a friend and I simply can't see myself with him. We don't have the same morals or values ( we discussed that too. ) and the spiritual connection is not even there. I can't be with him on a romantic level. Just buddies is good. She's a wonderful friend, Melanie Lane. And Jessica is my big sister. Both of them are. :)

"Oh my Christmas!"

Me&& my sister Caroline

me

My beautiful sister, Caroline Valentine. She's very photogenic.

Christmas break has begun. :)
No work whatsoever. I am ever so thankful. It's a wonderful feeling not having to worry about any schoolwork. All of my exams went well. I didn't necessarily went on extreme exam lockdown. I just did that for this week. I am very happy that it's all over. I had six exams. That's waay too many. I was so tired of studying. Anyway, Christmas is coming. My goodness, already?I love this time of year. It's so grand and beautiful and it can be super romantic. Best of all, a Savior is born.

All Hail Christ the King. <3
My mom already ordered my purity ring. I'm totally siked. It's gorgeous. =)
I wasn't really in the Christmas spirit for awhile. School brought me down a ton. Now I am free and happy. :) Nothing much has gone on. I haven't been cheering and I'm having trouble with my body. In other words, I'm constantly visiting the scale and not eating as much as I want too. I have to watch myself . I'm not insecure- not entirely at least. I've realized that after Camp Covecrest, I've gained confidence and I'm recognizing my beauty- in and out. I'm don't think I'm ugly, but I'm certainly not gorgeous. I'm okay, I'm pretty I guess. Anyway on a happier note, things are clearing up with me and Chris Angel. Mel and Savanna talked to him on the phone Monday night and Mel said as usually, Chris was singing and she let me listen to his voice on her cellphone. It was hilarious! I began to reminisce on all the times he would sing on the telephone and we all had a good laugh. He's too funny. I remember him saying this:

"Hey girl, how you doin', my name is Chris last name Angel, I wanna take you out and show you a good time..."
However, I was so jealous, because not only did they get to talk to him but,Mel went on how funny he is and how he was in a really good mood etc.I mean, he's always is. And then, I got even more jealous when she told me that Chris said,"Melanie, you and I are going to get married."Mel also told me that Chris talked about me a whole lot("How's Rose? Is she okay? I've been meaning to call her...") and was wondering who Trevor was. (Obviously, he was looking at my facebook page when I communicated with Trevor) "You told him about Trevor?" I inquired to Mel that day. "No, he already knew about it, she repiled. "I told him the story and everything. He was a little surprised that you do something like that, but I told him that you realized that it was stupid and that you blocked Trevor and stuff. He also said that if anything like that happens again he'll protect you. He doesn't have a problem with it..."

I nodded.
"He really wants to be your friend though." She smiled.
I don't know why, but the fact of me becoming envious of Mel's and Chris' friendship put me down for awhile during the schoolday. It's sad. I really don't have like, a really good guyfriend. I have a small crowd, but whenever I do develop a strong friendship with a guy, something stupid always happens and then it's over. The guy may start liking me romantically or vice versa, then everything is messed up! Honestly, Mel and Chris would be a wonderful couple. And they would definitely last. They've been best friends for a long time. I hope Chris would call me soon like he said he would. He messaged me on Thursday night on facebook. It was brief. He just wanted to tell me that he liked my status. He couldn't talk, because he had to study for an exam. For some reason, the fact of him messaging me put me in a good mood for the rest of the night. It's weird how some of my friends are bringing up Chris Angel alot. My friends Hannah and Elizabeth think that he's really cute(he IS. AHH!) but Hannah was angry for what happened. "I was comparing him with another person on the 'Comparing Friends' application on facebook and Chris came up. Hannah informed, me yesterday. " The question was, "trustworthy?' and I said 'no' for Chris." "He's a jerk for what he did to you, Rose!" She added, angerily. " Yeah!" Elizabeth agreed, turning to me.
Blah. :/ He is not.
I tried explaining to them what happened. At the end, I think Elizabeth was beginning to see my side, but both her and Hannah still think of him as a jerk. Whatever. I can't control what people think of others. Not something to worry about. Jessica is still holding a grudge... majorly. "You are NEVER going to get rid of him, Rose! She yelled. "You and your friends always like, 'Chris said,Chris said'- I mean tell him to (f bomb) off!" Now, it was my turn to get cross. "Well, what if I DON'T want to get rid of him? I shot back. "What if I've forgiven him and I'm willing to put all that crap behind me?" My goodness.

"FINE, if you're okay with people cheating on you and what not! Jessica roared. "I told you, I've been down this road before."

Forgiveness.
Things will get between us.

Us as in...

"There's such a thing called, 'The perfect student'? Since when?"

I was just flipping through my diary, my letters addressed to God, and I asked Him this:
"Why is the word 'perfect' even in the human vocabulary if nothing in life is perfect?" The perfect and shameless life? Don't count on it. The perfect parents, children, and marriage? Dream on. Perfection is nothing. Perfection is nothing because, perfection is not even reality. Only God is perfect. Only what He does is flawless. Everyone and everything else... no way. Since middle school, I have always thrived to be the 'perfect student'. I pushed myself further each year and in eighth grade I was the girl whom everyone called, "The nerd", or "Smart Girl." Honestly, I didn't have a life in middle school. I was a nerd. A total nerd. I didn't wear make-up and I thought cheerleading was totally absurb.(Well, I acted like I hated it, but deep down, I wanted to try it out.) I was just this obsessive Harry Potter fan girl who read the dictionary and used my colorful vocabulary somewhat obnoxiously. (And as a defense when the boys teased me)Also at the time, I thought having a boyfriend was gross. "What?! I would exclaim, to people if they asked me then."Boyfriend? PUH-LEASE. I don't have time for that! I have to study!" It's quite funny actually. I found one of my seventh grade classmates on facebook last night and this what he said, " Oh yeah, I remember you. You were the girl who always used big words and always called me 'boorish' or something like that."

I laughed when I read that comment on my page. It was all true. I was madly infatuated with my school books and I carried the dictionary all over school. That's so ridiculous. I mean, there were still areas that I struggled with in school, but I studied way too much which made me sort of inactive. Freshmen year, I was kind of the same, but I let myself relax more. This year, (my sophomore year) I wear make-up, cheerlead, and balance out work and play. I'm not hooked on Harry Potter and I am certainly into dating and boys. I mean, I do alright in school. I don't get straight a's. I'm just average. I wish I could get straight a's. I really try to but, it's always that math grade that gets in the way. It has always been that way. In middle school, I would get so embarrassed about my math learning disability. I didn't want anyone to find out that I was put in a program called, "special ed" for math. Everyone thought I was a 'clever girl' and I liked that kind of attention. People who were in special ed were ridculed and made fun for being "slow and stupid." The other kids who made remarks like that really hurt my feelings and I would feel ashamed. The special ed program helped me tremendously. ( I did manage to get a solid "90" in math on my report card the last semester in eighth grade) The teachers believed in all of us and helped us cope.

I still get math help and I have a tutor and everything. I don't push myself to be "the perfect student", because that's totally impossible. I study and work hard. I push myself to be a responsible student and to always try my best. Just because you don't get straight a's doesn't mean you're not intelligent. School is tough. And... my brain aches right now. :/ I've been studying on and off since 8 am. I have a Spanish final and three other tests tomorrow. HORRIBLE. I'm really not liking my teachers right now. I still have to work on religion, but I'm going to settle down with that in the evening. :)

By the way, I'm going on 'exam lockdown' starting tomorrow. Meaning- no blog, no cellphone, or facebook till the nineteenth. I need to focus.

Starving

I'm starving for Jesus.
I went to Confession today and I felt much happier than I was. Evan hasn't been to confession in seven years and we went together. When I was on that incredible spiritual high three months ago, I went to Confession weekly. I don't why, but I stopped doing that and attending daily mass. However, Evan and I take some time off lunch everyday to go pray at the school chapel. The chapel is very beautiful. I love praying in there. Sometimes, I just kneel and stare at the Cross. And when I stare, I get this incredible feeling of serenity. I just take a deep breathe and gaze. I got to mass every Sunday. I hate missing it. When I do miss it for whatever reason, I feel terrible. Even when I don't feel like going to Mass. God loves us very much and He wants us to return that undying, powerful, love. The church is my only life. I feel the safest there. (I'm Roman Catholic, by the way. 'Mass' is another name for 'church service') I tried to encourage her, but she backed out again. It's okay. She can take her time. I pray that God will giver her the strength and courage.

Praise the Lord, it's Advent!I'm trying to change some things and concentrate what matters the most- My Father and his Son, the Savior. The Christmas season is such a glorious time. My school is decorated with beautiful Christmas trees and reefs all over the place. It's very lovely. I love everything about. Everyone seems to be closer with each other, embracing love and family, and most importantly recognizing the birth of Christ. Christ is our true and only Savior. He came to life with love and promise from God. Without Christ, our sins would forever plaque our souls. The sins would stain- non removable and unforgotten. Mother Mary shall be every girl's role model, and Jesus, every boy's role model.


I came up with my Christmas lists last weekend. I need it to hand it in to my parents now. :)
Yes, there is more than one list. One for my parents and one for God.The one I wrote to God is special- it's what I truly want and need. The list is composed with feelings, fresh emotions, and honesty. It's personal, and I would rather keep it between me and God. I'm asking for a new purity ring, new cheer shoes, ribbons(can never get enough of those. Hahaa!), and gift cards to Hollister and Sephora. It's quite simple. The only thing I want is the purity ring. It's gorgeous and I want to show the world that I'm not going to let go of my promise. Saving my body for the right man-in marriage.

Anyway,Everything is okay now. :) I don't know, my eating habits are weird lately. I skip dinner on a daily basis, because I fear of gaining too much weight. Sometimes, I'll skip breakfast as well or just eat dry cereal. I'll eat lunch, have a snack after school, and that will be it for the day. Exams are coming really fast(I've started on those stupid study guides. ugh. So LONG.) as well as Christmas Break! (Starts Dec 19!) Other than that, there's nothing new this week. My phone is silent and as for talking to Chris Angel, it's been unsuccessful. It's obvious that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I haven't done anything to him... at all. Why, is evertyhing just too awkward now or what? We talked on facebook for a little bit, then he just stopped replying to my comment posts. I just asked if some questions( trying to make conversation) and still, no response.
So much for friendship.

Why doesn't he want to talk? What-ever. I give up on him. It's time to find a new guy- which is still giving me much diffculty. Then again, a part of me is just not caring anymore. I think I should fall in love with my school books again, just like in eighth grade. I was fine and boys were like, "whatever" to me. Even last year, my freshman year. Now, when a boy shows some real interest, my heart has gotten softer and I crave for a guy's attention- finding someone new. People are still asking if Chris and I are still together.(Honestly, people for ONCE look at my relationship status on facebook) I hate it when people ask. I can't stand it. "Hey, how are you and soccer boy doing?" my friend, Vickie inquired, randomly at lunch. "Yeah, how are you and that boy doing?" Sasha asked. My smile crumpled into a grimance. Great. Thanks for asking girls. It's okay, though. They didn't know. Well actually, I do remember clearly telling Vickie that Chris and I were no longer together...

" Oh. Um we broke up. Like, almost two months ago." (Yeah. Already.) The girls were begging me to tell the story. I refused. "You don't feel comfortable talking about it?" Ty asked, earnestly. I shook my head."Oh my gosh what happened?!" Sasha exclamied, her eyes bulgy and wide with interest. "It's a long story. I mumbled. " And I've told it like a thousand times. Really, you don't want to hear it." But, Sasha insisted. "No! She cried. "Tell us. I wanna know." She peered closely at me and gasped to the girls, "Oh my gosh it looks like shes' going to cry- oh my gosh she's crying!" I honestly, don't know why I did. I'm totally over him and what he did to me... right? Of course. Why am I asking? "Didn't I tell you she didn't feel comfortable talking about it?" Ty hissed, at Sasha. She got out of her seat and ran to get some napkins. "Here, sit down." Sasha said. She began to apologize countlessly.
"It's okay... really..."
"Here. Ty handed me napkins. "Well, at least we weren't CHEATED ON!" She screeched to the table at large. (Apparently, her boyfriend cheated on her too.) I turned to look at her. "Uh..."
"He cheated on you?"
I ended up telling the girls a five miunte version of the break-up. To my utter shock, they were one of the only people who didn't start going on a "cussing fest" and calling Chris Angel a jerk and other thigns. It's almost like it wasn't a "new flash" to them in a way. Everyone says that they say it coming and it's just "typical boy behavior." No it is NOT. Don't get me started on that. Honestly, teenaged boys ARE capable of being faithful. "Aw, y'all were dancing to every song at Homecoming." Sasha cooed. I nodded.
"Yeah..."
People did actually notice us at the dance. At school, my classmates would come up and ask, "Omigosh, Rose was that your boyfriend at Homecoming?" That's kind of weird, isn't it?
Ha.
I don't know why I cried that day. There was no reason to. The funny thing is, is that I didn't feel a painful pang in my heart when I cried and discussed with the girls. I'm not hurting anymore. Rose just get over it already. Goodness. But then again, he was your first love- your first kiss. That's special. Hard to let that go, right? Sasha was looking melancholy. "If he were to ask you out again, would you say yes?"
"Heck yes. " My heart repiled. But I said, "Yeah, but I don't think he likes me like that anymore." Surprise? Shouldn't be.
"Maybe he's afraid that he will hurt you again."
Oh.
I have never thought of that, but that's a total possibility. He made it pretty clear that what he did was totally wrong on the telephone "that day"... especially my sister on facebook. She DISPLAYED it on there... literally. She went way over board. Yikes. "Yeah, this happened like, in October."(Yeah, and it's December now. Wow Rose. Wow.) I stated, wiping my eyes with the tissue, suddendly conscious of my make-up. "And you're still not over it? Ty, inquired gently looking straight at me. "Girl, it's time to move on and find a new guy. This is just a learning experience." I just looked at my friend ruefully in response.
"I'll introduce you to some guys."

That's the only way for Chris Angel to fade away from the picture,a new 'angel' has to come along my way. I mean, SERIOUSLY it's taking me forever. I've seen this- friends breaking up with people, then a few weeks later(with Savanna and Nick more like two-three days later) a new guy is in the picture. And I'm like, what?! That is with a lot of my classmates and friends. I know moving on too fast isn't healthy but isn't it about time for me to find... (Most of my friends are girls. Almost all, which is a problem. I can't communicate well with guys.)
Alright. It's official.
I'm either:
A) Too slow
B) Too picky
C) "It just ain't happening"

Ha. I say, all of the above.

I'm sure you all have noticed, but I mention 'facebook' and 'Chris Angel ' WAY too much on here. I'm surprised no one has told me to shut up about it!

Creeper...

I'm deleting Trevor from my life.
I told Mel what was going on. She asked if I had met any guys and I just had to tell her. Surprisingly, she's not cross, but that doesn't mean that the other won't be. I know for sure, one of my best friends, Evan would be super livid. She thought I acted stupid with the break-up with Chris Angel(because I sent him a text the day after we broke up.and I wouldn't allow myself to say that he cheated. And, throwing away the stuff he gave me, so I could move on.) and I know she'll just go crazy if she hears this. Mel is really scared for me. I'm frightend myself, considering the fact that the little creeper posted my profile pics on his page(remember what he said? "I thought they looked so good and blah blah? And guess what? I took that. WHY?!) Trevor also told me that after his senior year of highschool, he will come down to Atlanta and wait for me to graduate? PUH-LEASE. I don't believe that rubbish. I told him that I didn't too. Mel laughed and cried, "Well, you should of said, "I'm not going to wait for you!"And to my utter horror, Trevor used to be in gang. He told me. Yes, warning sign. A sign I compeltely ignored. Trevor had told me he used to be in a gang, but he's trying to head down the better road. I ignored this because he was telling me how he's trying to fix up his life and really, people make stupid mistakes. Still, I have got to be the dumbest girl in the world.

Clearly.
Listen, NEVER give out your number to a stranger on the internet. Better yet, don't "meet" people like how I met Trevor on the internet. Seriously. And the horrible thing is, when I felt sparks for him I led him on. I thought I really did "like" him, but after our telephone conversations, I competelty lost interest and realized what I've done. I've always been scared of Trevor since we've started talking. I'm so bad. I didn't mean to led him on. And when he would say those sweet things to me, I would respond with a, "You're such a sweetheart, etc." "Rose, don't say that!" Mel exclaimed. That's egging him on. He's just saying stuff you want to hear!" I'm not interested in him. At all. He's a stalker. And I'm scared of him, that's the thing. I removed him from my friends list and I deleted his numbers off my phone. When he calls next time, I'm going to pick up the phone and I'll try my best to sound like a man and shout, "DON'T YOU EVER CALL MY DAUGHTER AGAIN! YOU HEAR?!" I'm going to pretend to be like my father. Honestly, I don't want this situation to get any worse then it already is. The last thing I want is getting my parents involved. OH MAN.

They haven't an inkling what's been going on either. I just made a terrible mistake. Mel said that if Trevor doesn't leave me be, then she'll get Chris to help. "Chris will protect you, Rose. He still considers you as a friend and he won't let any guy hurt you. " And, for some reason, Trevor added Chris on facebook. WHAT THE HECK?! Alright, I told Trevor about my breakup but I never mentioned his name. Ever. I just said,"he" the whole time. You know me, my readers. I open easily to anybody. I told Trevor way too much. Oh my goodness, Rose. Honestly. Way to go. That's what I get for not waiting and letting God send me Prince Charming. It's amazing how every little situation blows up in my face nowadays. I feel awful. I don't want to hurt Trevor's feelings, because he does like me alot, but Mel had said that sometimes, you just have to worry about yourself and your own safety.