I just want to throw my heart in the garbage

My face is wet.
I told Redlight goodbye. Well, I wouldn't say goodbye. I still feel for him, but there were redflags and of course... there's Brody. I can't handle " just talking" to two guys. I felt like I was playing Brody when everyone said I wasn't. I can't help it. I feel like I'm tied down to Brody, although we are not in a relationship. Samir and I never went on a date, but he treated me like I was his girl and admittedly, I adored it. Brody has never made me feel that way and that's fantastic. Why? Because, we're both trying to be patient and let friendship grow before we call each other "baby". We're brother and sister in Christ and that's what is good for us. Samir makes me feel wanted. He wanted to know my heart inside and out He even told me himself. "I want to spend the whole day with you, Rose." Samir was so sweet to me, oh honestly he gave me crazy butterflies. And those good morning texts too. Wow. He was always thinking of me. I'm not use to that kind of treatment. It feels so good and so- so wrong. But, I did the right thing by being honest with Samir. Stephanie Callahan even told me that Samir wasn't good for me and I saw those redflags. Samir is charming, but he has his little dirty jokes that scare the crap out of me. I am beginning to think that Samir's sweet ways were sincere but also a way to tempt me. When Stephanie told him that I am an innocent girl, his immediate response was, "I can change that."

I remember my heart skipped a couple of beats. "Remember he's a guy, Rose and a lot of guys think it's fun to change an innocent girl." Stephanie expressed to me through a text.My eyes widened with sudden fear. "Um that scares me. I replied. "I don't want him to hurt me." "Oh I didn't mean it like that Rose, Samir said he won't do you wrong." Redflag number one. Redflag number two was the dirty jokes. Emphasis on the dirty.
Samir:"You can do chores for me and I'll pay. My chores are funner if you know what I mean. lol."
Me: No response.
Samir:"I was kidding."
Yesterday...
Samir:"So what you doin?"
Me:" Breakfast time haha."
Samir: "Hahahah save me some you can feed me."
Me:"yeah... hahaha."
Samir: "Oh yeah I likey."
Me: "chyeah...."
Samir:"Then I can feed you and then we could make out. lol."
Whoa.
Me: "No...."
Samir:"Lol... you suck."
A while ago...
Samir:"Can you do me a favor?"
Me:"What?"
Samir:"Send me a pic so I can see how cute you really are."
At first, I was wondering if he was just being creepy or... I don't know. He was being really presistent, so on Monday I sent him a headshot I had taken in May for Brody. He sent me one in return and he is as gorgeous as he looks on facebook and how Stephanie describes him. (They're friends by the way. They've hung out a lot of times.)
Anyway, Stephanie said that Samir and I aren't really good for each other and that I should continue to talk to Brody. "He seems right, Rose.She said."And really, you can't handle "just talking "to two guys, so end it with Samir." Of course, I started freaking out, fearing of hurting him. He even asked me out on a date with Stephanie and her boyfriend. Samir had sent me a text saying, "Baby" and I responded with this. "Samir. I like you, but I was talking to someone before you and I'm starting to like him more... I'm sorry."
"Hahaha it cool lol."
?
I started to cry because I was expecting the worst. I was expecting him to swear and get upset because according to Steph and his actions, he really likes me. And to my utter shock, he quickly changed the subject! "So what you doin?" I repiled, "Oh okay ha. I'm just chilling. How about you?"
"Yeah none just got done running for punishment lol... you broke my heart just kidding lol."
"Oh my gosh!" I exclaimed and feverishly wrote back,"Oh my gosh Samir stop it. I'm really sorry..."
"I'm kidding. I promise. Chill." Tears started coming again. I honestly don't cry a lot and tonight, I felt like I just needed a good cry. I sent him a simple, "okay." and then he asked me if I were alright because Steph told him I was about to cry. "No not really. I typed, glumly. "But whatever ha."
"Why you not ok?"
I hesitated to reply truthfully. But I soon recognized that with Samir, I have no problem being open and honest. So I said this:"Because I thought I was going to hurt you and I absolutely hate hurting people and um I don't know..."
"I'm not hurt. I promise. Dont' worry." And I can feel the sincerity.
I feel awful. Yesterday, when I was about to lie (yes, lie) to Brody about me just wanting to be friends with him (because I beginning to feel so sure and mixed up with Samir) I had this sick feeling that I was about to lose something good, so I stopped myself. It was God. I've been praying about me and Brody for a very long time. The whole summer really... then here came Samir. I thought that he treats me better than Brody. I feel like Brody will never give me that attention and those feelings. Samir wants to know my heart. He wants to be with me. He showed it and even Steph implied it."He said that he thought he had you, Rose."
Hm.
I'm okay now. After writing all this down.
I cried because I want Brody to show me that he wants me the same way Samir does. The good morning texts, the sweet talk, 4 am talks, expressing the desire to see me, etc. Make me feel special. But do friends do that? Brody is right for me. The laidback, decent looking, basketball guy whom I can connect with through Christ. And Samir-the hotshot, gorgeous, Bosnian football star who is a very smooth talker. His words can make any girl melt. What a tempting offer.
But no.
The funny thing is, I feel like I didn't lose this time. Samir is not for me.
Honestly... my heart belongs in the garbage.

Redlight

That's me. I don't like this picture. Anyway...
Everything is just fine now, although I'm feeling pretty sad.
I ate a box of junior mints and fell asleep for about an hour. Didn't help.
I was so very close to losing something so good, but "when I caught myself, I had to stop myself, from saying something that I should of never thought."(lyrics from Paramore. Fit perfectly for this situation)
Told you. I can't stand myself.
I didn't lose Brody. In fact, we're pretty much defined. In other words, he has feelings for me and we're still going to go on dates. "You're the girl that I like..." He's such a sweet person, that Brody Mingram. He honestly does care and I am so thankful for him. "I just don't wanna rush stuff. You know that's never good." I treat Brody like a big brother. We haven't kissed yet- I adore friendship. && I really want to see him, more than ever before. Summer is almost over...
I want to say more about this, but I think this topic is becoming such a bore to you readers that I'm going to put a stop to this. Time to talk of something new. Just to let you know, a redlight is flashing in my life right now. Not giving out names yet, but I have to watch out for myself.
I went outside a lot today and I spoke to God aloud. I left my Blackberry inside the house, because I was certain it was going to distract me. My "redlight" constantly blows up my phone. Today, I thought I was going to scream. Redlight is nice to talk to, but I don't like having my Blackberry by me all the time. Sometimes, I just like to toss it on my bed and spend some time doing something else. Redlight gets impatient and sends me more than one message. It's fine really... redlight just needs someone to talk to. I honestly think I'm too available. Can you blame me though? With no job nor car what am I to do? It feels nice to have someone who always wants to talk to you... not unless they're a redlight.

Tonight...

I've got a feelin'

Whoo

That tonight's gonna be a bad, bad, night.

For real... I can't believe I have to do this. I'm not even sure how Brody Mingram feels for me, but... dang. I am so confused. I mean, Brody and I are just friends, but I feel like I'm tied down to him some how. Our communciation is way off. Why am I questioning myself if he sees in me in a romantic light like he did at the beginning of summer? As you readers know, I've met someone else and I refuse, I refuse, I refuse, I refuse, I refuse, to date two guys. Heck no, forget it. I'm not playing anybody. Brody asked me when we were hanging again and I had to think before I had to respond to that simple text. Hanging as friends? Sure. Brody, oh my goodness WHATAREWE? I'm not attracted to him anymore. And I've got to tell him. I've met someone else you know... someone who actually wants to talk to me, spend a whole day with me... Brody never put in any effort nor showed that he cared. And come to think of it, I've never feel breathless or butterflies fluttering in my stomach for him anymore. It's all Samir. After that whole,"Dude, you never call me" situation Brody and I had a month ago, he STILL doesn't call me. Obviously, He doesn't care. We've had that discussion three times... I'm just falling for Samir and it's so ridculous too. This is the way I feel, I cannot help it.

Gosh, I cannot bear to lose Brody Mingram or hurt him for that matter. I can't stand myself. "Rose, you're not going to hurt him! Stephanie Callahan exclaimed to me last night. "He had his chance and he blew it! Like, all summer!" "Yeah, Rose my sister added. "You haven't done anything wrong by talking to Samir. It's not like Brody is your boyfriend, you just gotta tell him that you don't feel the same way anymore and you've met someone else." I'm all about honesty. I've got to tell Brody tonight.

Oh gosh I don't want to hurt him. Why can't I get scorned?

I'm going to talk to Melanie Lane about this, because she knows more about Brody and I then anyone else. Then... I'll call him. You know, a part of me feels like I shouldn't have to tell Brody anything. We're just friends right? Why must I tell him I like someone else if we're just friends?

Girl, you know you two exchanged feelings.

Yeah, at the beginning of summer.

What if he still likes you like that?

If he does, then he doesn't show it. Like, no one can tell. Not even Stephanie Garcia.

Rose, wait a mintue-
WHY are you always telling me to wait? Listen, I know how Brody acts. He never really showed he cared nor put in any effort. Who was the one making the phone calls, the dates- the effort? Me. I feel like I've been chasing after him all summer, wasting my time with a guy who probably isn't that interested in me. There's a guy who is actually interested in me, girl... he wants to know my heart. He said so.

Those Darn Traffic Lights

Honestly, this nonsense is distracting me from everything else. And as usual, I overreact. When problems and tricky situations arise, I naturally freak out. I don't know how to relax, in general.
Rose, quit freaking out. Ha. I'm always reprimanded. One of my many flaws.
I fear of hurting someone.
I just want, crave, dream, and hope for one thing... a relationship. A guy whose's crazy about me, simply crazy. Admire. Love. Cherish. Respect.
Rose, you're 16.
So?
Just forget it. You've got plenty of time.
Yeah well, that doesn't defy my desire to be wanted. I want someone to actually want me.
Is that wrong?
Can I like, stop caring now? Why can't I stop caring? Indepedence is great. I've been on my own for eight and half months now. No, let's search deeper than that- I have never been in a real relationship. You know, when the other person actually cares for me? Yeah, that's right. Rose Valentine is better off on her own. Don't you agree? Time to focus on my dreams, my education, and most importantly keeping the green light on God. Love can wait. && you know what? Love is going to be waiting for a long time.
Ever had that sick feeling, that agonizing feeling that your heart's warning you about something?
Redlight. Redlight. Redlight.
I think someone's trying to use me. Oh, naive me. I usually don't trust my instincts. My exscuse,"Oh me? I'm just overacting."
Tears and tissues.
I hope I'm wrong.
Yellow light.
Slow down, Rose. Wait a mintue. Just think.
"Nah, I'm going. Sorry, but I think you're wrong."
Rose, it's a freaken redlight. Stop already.
"Can you just trust me? I know what I'm doing."
You can't let crap happen to you like this, Rose.
"Who says that I do? I told you enough times already. I know what I'm doing.
Fine. I hope you brought some bandages for your heart.

Oh Whoa There

I think love attraction is very strange, complex, and absolutely out of order. A mess.
A hot, beautiful, mess, you know the kind of mess everyone wants to get into. And No one offers to clean up at the end. It was so late that night. At four am in the morning, I was still awake... not talking to Brody. What? Not Brody? No, not Brody. I honestly don't know what's with us lately. I mean, we were never in a relationship, but the attraction is dying out. He just doesn't care. He STILL hasn't called me, because he insists in texting and when was the last time he asked me out? Oh yeah, exactly one month ago.I've invited him on two double dates and plans seem to fall out anyway, because the other couple always end up cancelling. I'm not trying to sound like a demanding person, but if you have feelings for someone, shouldn't you make an effort? Let me be honest here. When Stephanie Garcia paired us up, I was suddenly beginning to feel pressured, not by her but really by myself. (Does that make sense?) In other words, I feel like we were forcing the attraction. Sure there were times when we did show our feelings but, I can't even tell you if Brody Mingram actually does have feelings for me. He's such a nice guy though and he's fun to be around with. But, I'm chasing after something that shouldn't happen. Besides, he's been hanging out with a really gorgeous blonde girl so... there you go. I've been praying to God about Brody... and I've got my answer.

Love has a very strange attraction.

I met this boy who makes me smile, no not smile... beam. And I'm falling so fast for him, my readers you don't even know. My heart races and I'm feeling all flustered and giddy and insane as I'm explaining this random, totally wild attraction that I have for Samir Mustafic. He is an exceedingly handsome, Bosnian sweetheart who makes me feel so special. I mean dang,what is this craziness? Up at four am? And oh my, oh my, the way he speaks to me is just... wow. "You two are complete opposites, Rose! Stephanie Callahan exclaimed. "But he really likes you. I thought he was kidding, but he's actually serious. He wants to kiss you."

"Does he really? Girl, this is all moving too fast!"

"I mean, oh my gosh I can't believe this is happening yall don't even know each other!"

I stiffened a little. "Well, yeah true."

"I feel really awkward right now."

I let out a little laugh and smiled. "Aww..."

"I'll come around, hahaha. Just... take it real slow with him okay? Man this is crazy!"

Samir is one of Stephanie's best friends as well as her boyfriend's. (Elton, is his name). I really just want to be "romantic friends" with him as I was with Brody, but this instant attraction that Samir and I have for each other is developing into more than friendship. He likes you, Rose because he said that you're different and he wants to try something new, like he respects your purity and innocence... and he just wants to see what happens.

Text Messages(not in any particular order)

Samir:"Aww."

Me:"Aww what?"

Samir:"I wanna chill with you."

Samir:"I hate being in North Carolina."

Me:" LOL cheer up you're coming home tomorrow."

Samir: "No, I wanted to spend the day with you."

Samir:"Loser."

Me:"Hahaha what?! I thought you were sleeping!"

Samir:"I thought so too, but I was thinkin of you."

Samir:"Guess what?"

Me:"What??"

Samir:"I like talkin to you."

Me:"Aww. Why?"

Samir:"I don't know, because you listen and your honest and everything..."

Me: "Food is the best."

Samir:Yeah, but it's not better than me."

Me:"Well, you're right about that one. :)"

Samir:"Aw you're sweet..."

Samir:"How many boyfriends have you had?"

Me:"One."

Samir:"Daang, seriously?"

Me:"Yes, is that bad or something?"

Samir:"No, you're just too cute to just have one boyfriend."

Me:"Say something in Bosnian."

Samir: "Ja mislim Rose Valenine je ljepa u slatka. :)"

Me: "Translate." :)

Samir:"Nope, you gotta figure it out yourself."

Me:"I think I have an idea."

Samir:"Well it says to me that I think that Rose Valentine is beautiful and sweet :)."

"And Rose, just keep in mind that you're not the only one he's talking to." And I have to admit, At first I was like ,"Oh dang it." Hahha. "Yeah, Elton said that he's talking to some college chick."And... there is one problem. One major problem- well, maybe problem is not a nice word to use... Stephanie said this to me last night. "Rose, you two are opposites. He's Muslim, and you're Christian. You're so religious and He cusses like every two seconds." Well, he doesn't swear that much around me anyway...
My heart did something funny."Wait, he's not Christian?"
"No, Rosalina he's Bosnian remember? They're Muslims. But, don't tell him that I told you that, because it would be like I'm turning you off and I want you two to get to know each other."
I knew that.
Seriously, I knew that he wasn't Christian at the beginning. Stephanie would always come to school talking about Samir and she mentioned that he was Muslim. I was just lying to myself the whole time that it wasn't true, because I can see myself with Samir, but spiritually...
It won't be there. And spiritual connection is what I crave for the most. More than the good morning text messages he sends me, the way he talks to me... anything.I mean, I have nothing against his religion at all. I honestly don't, it's just that Samir is interested in me-after all he asked me about my relationship past and asked if I were looking for a relationship... I can't just shut him off. He treats me too well. I mean, we don't have to be in a relationship, we could be just friends. That's perfectly fine. I'm just saying that, if he wants to be in a relationship with me, it's going to be a spiritual struggle... in other words it wouldn't work. Friendship? Why yes of course. I am not prejudice.
"Just see what happens, Rose. Have fun, and... you never know."

The Responses

&& honestly...

I didn't like that post.

I thought that I could of written it much better, deeper...

I was thoroughly shocked by your responses and the guys.

I was feeling so happy that summer Friday night. I mean... wow. And I was having such a terrible day too.

Nathan Adu-Kofi (my cousin)-"Wow Rose ur stil that great writer i knw wen we were young. Touchin!"

Mark Archer-"Wow that seriously made my day haha. thanks for tagging me :)"

Aiden Korizno-"Thats a pretty bold message but i think you did a good job nailing it to the wall. Nicely done Rose, keep me posted."

Jonah Davenport-"I love you Rose! you need to come see one of my performances soon... well they arent until the middle of school, but you get my point lol... we need to hang out sometime too lol, its been forever!"

James Kaferney-"I love your writing, it touches me and makes me feel special. :)"

Ricky Anderson-"Wow, simply at a loss for words. That was brilliant, ur an amazin' writer and person to hav put this down :]." (This guy is so sweet. He made his facebook status about me. lol. :). It was very sweet)

Dean Browne(my cousin)-"Good poem! lol u needed 2 tag me for the benching thing lol."(He calls everything a poem... ha)

Kolbe Markham-"You're awesome Rose. Praise God. :D"

Josh Howell-"Wow, serioulsy. :] and what a picture. :]. Miss you, love you,and most of all you are a beloved sister in Christ. :] :]."

There's something about that Josh Howell, you know? I've always have this small innocent crush on him. It just dawned on me how much of Troy he truly is out of all the guys I know... even Brody. And yet, our hearts are not drawned together in a strong ,romantic sense... at all. Weird right?

&This One's For the Guys

Dear Guys,
I just don't know what to say.
Honestly.
These words are so difficult to find, but I'm fighting off this silly writer's block.
Naturally, our hearts are the best speakers. So I sit here, I am looking into my heart while I'm writing this letter to you.
Guys, I am here to praise you. You don't know how much you mean to us girls. There is something about each and every one that is so captivating. God created you all handsome and strong, and like the beautiful stars in the sky you truly take my breath away.
Don't let anyone tell you that you are not worth anything, because you ARE worth something, more than you'll ever know. And, I'm sorry that the media frowns so much upon you.
You know what?
I really wanted to write a beautiful piece on this, on how you guys should take a look in the mirror and actually like what they see.
Girls get way too much attention. You can't argue with that.
You guys are hurting too.
&& I want you boys to know, that you don't need a hot car or an eight pack to be considered handsome and cool. Seriously, stop listening to those universal lies. It's all nonsense.
This one's for you... the guys.
I want you guys to love yourselves. Seriously.
"For me, I just want to see guys happy and unafraid to let loose; perfectly content to act like a dork and let down that cocky swagger, if it's actually a facade of protection. I want appearances and stereotypes to be disregarded.”-Nicole Linette. 16. New York
Boys, you're handsome already. Stop that excess benching. You don't need it... really. Don't even think about those steroids. Put them down.God doesn't want you hurting yourself. All I'm saying is, that when you look in the mirror-love what you see. Embrace your flaws. In everything you do, from your career to sports. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough, because you are good enough. It doesn't matter how fast you can run, how much you can bench, or how tall you run. Seriously, those things don't matter in the least. Those things don't evaluate your character or anything that is truly important. I want people to focus on your hearts and take that pressure off your shoulders. A man's heart is precious as anyone else's.
You're strong.
Strong, handsome, intelligent, men of God.
Who cares what the media says. You don't need excess cash in your wallet or to be six foot seven to be accepted.
I am so sorry that you are hurting.
I'm sorry for the rejection you boys face, just because you want to wear a pink shirt or something terrible has happened and you cried about it.
What a sad world.
You guys have feelings, and I think people often forget that. People are always putting the blame on you and simply just burning you down. It isn't right... at all.
To me, I think all guys have amazing qualities.Each and every one of you.
"That's so true!! Personality is more important than how much money a person has or how hot they are! What's important is that they see themselves in a better light, and that they see their strengths instead of their weaknesses. They need positivity when they think of themselves. :D”- Victoria Kelly 16. Georgia
I'm sorry for all the pressure you boys face.
I pray to God that someday soon, all this mess would be put to rest. You guys are special. More special than you think.
Love,
My Heart.

“You're absolutely right, guys don't need to be the hottest thing out there or the richest......They just need to care...To have a simple sensitivity to the needs of others, and to not take people,particularly girls for granted...We were made to love and to be loved, and that's what they need to realize...It shouldn't be about physical appearance or worldly goods..It's about their heart, their soul, and the beauty of their minds. My last boyfriend captured my heart, because he saw the beauty in everything, and accepted things as they were, and never told someone that they weren't good enough...Girls are sensitive enough without having guys who are all about just looks and not even seeing a girls heart...So my message to guys is; look deeper, into their own hearts, and to the other hearts around him, find the inner beauty in them, and be attracted by what you find there.Everyone on earth, bad or good, handsome or not, I believe was created in the image and likeness of God, and no matter how unloved guys feel, no matter how disgusted they are with themselves in the mirror...I believe God loves them with an intensity that cannot be matched on this earth, He created them with a purpose, there is not one guy on this earth who is not destined to do something good in his lifetime...That is what they need to realize...."Kristen. 14. Virgina.

"I don't know what to add except i guess that guys should always treat their girlfriend like she's the most precious thing in the world and always be understanding and patient .and they should know that if they do that,it will be worth it and it'll come back to them. they should know to treat girls with respect and they'll get respect back. ...that the guys are worth more to girls,than they think.” – Anonymous

“I don't know if I can be the greatest help, but what the heck, I'll try. You might want to mention how guys shouldn't be ashamed to express themselves. ”-Anonymous

And here is what one guy responded to me on a question/answer site-"Well obviously the media pressures females to look like barbies who are sexually "empowered" (have sex indiscriminately), while guys are always portrayed as being worthless unless they have a giant package, make a lot of money, etc. It also generally shows guys as being stupid and in many ways inferior to women. There have been many times where girls hit guys and its something to cheer about. If a guy does that his life is OVER. So yea, thank you for taking the time to stand up for the guys out there that have been so thoroughly disenfranchised by the media.”- Male 22.

And this one's for the guys

This is a piece that I seriously want to work on.
I have a terrible case of writer's block, by the way.
:(
I need your help, readers.
I want to write a beautiful piece on this, on how guys should take a look in the mirror and actually like what they see.
Girls get way too much attention. You can't argue with that.
Boys are hurting too.
&& I want them to hear that they don't need a hot car or an eight pack to be considered handsome and fly.
This one's for the guys.
Tell me what you want them to hear.
Don't worry. I won't steal your words. I'll give you credit. I don't steal.
I'm going to leave this post up for awhile, because I want some serious comments. And I'm going to cheerleading camp and driver's ed classes for some time...

The Update

Forgive yourself. Learn. Grow.
I overacted. Sure. But, I want Brody's heart and he's going to have to fight for mine.
I really want to be his girl, and for some reason... I'm developing the strong desire to kiss him.Is that lust?We've held hands and cuddled, and of course that is not even close to kissing.
We're okay. :/ Stale, but alright.I honestly don't know what we are. Is that a bad thing?
"I don't know what we are, Rose."
Okay... so obviously we are more than friends then, but we are not, "Rose & Brody"- aka. boyfriend and girlfriend.
"You're just everything...and you're beautiful."
My fourth of July was terrible. I went to the mall for festivities, but I was such in a bad mood, that I just didn't care for the fireworks anymore, and that has always been my favorite. My father tried though. He tried to make light of things by purchasing me and my sisters, cotton candy, icecream, and our choice of chips.My parents don't really care for Independence Day anymore, and you can't call them unpatriotic, considering the fact that they are not American.When my sisters and I were younger, we would throw a huge BBQ and with the cousins, we would come up with a fourth of July cheer. It was really nice. The families don't really come together as often anymore. It makes us children quite disappointed and sad. Anyway, life going on fine. I haven't been doing much of anything. For the past month, I've been at Lifetime Fitness taking yoga, pilates, kickboxing,and hiphop classes. I'm trying to prepare my body for tumbling this coming Fall and just to keep in shape. Next summer, I hope to stunt and tumble on the beach. I kind of have this funny vison of me, in a cute pink bikini, doing backhandpsrings and backtucks on the sand. Hahaha. I am so obessed with cheer. I'm always mentioning it on here and watching clips on youtube. I really want to be crazy good at it and have the opportunity to cheer in college. I have to work and I am so willing to do so.

&& I am beginning to think that this "summer life "is much better with a car. :(

I don't get my license till November, but I have my permit and I do drive. I just wish I didn't wait so long, you know? You know for some reason, I've been feeling like I fall behind my friends with everything. I honestly do not have the clue nor confidence to go on my own pace. With everything just about. From driving to even the movies people are watching, and with dating as well. Stephanie Callahan and Jessica(I haven't talked to Jessica in awhile. For a reason. I need a break from her. She doesn't realize how mean she is. ) that to keep Brody interested, I have to show that I do have feelings for him in some way. Like, kissing. "I mean c'mon girl, give him a grandma kiss or somethin'!" I remember Jessica declaring. "Boys move fast these days, Rose.Stephanie also informed me. "I mean you don't have to make-out, just give him a peck. You have to show him." Words just don't do it, do they? I'm just feeling so pressured lately. I mean seriously, how stupid. And I'm kind of mad now, because my mom doesn't want to go to church today, nor take me to church. (I need a car. So bad.) Why? She's just giving me lame excuses. She does this nearly all the time, but my dad always manages to take me... expect for today.I'm so sick of us not waking up and going to church as a family. A lot of times, my mom would drop me and my sisters off. My goodness. It's like, no one cares. My dad goes to his own church but it wouldn't hurt to go to each others as a family every Sunday. That's what we lack in this house- family.

:(

Cheerleading videos of the day-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YoeiM5HCzw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYP2S7RPpWA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opAcl-kukdU

I messed this one up. What a surprise.

I'm feeling sad right now.
Things are stale between me and Brody.
My intentions of working out this whole communication thing came out all wrong.
I feel so terrible and to be frank, I am certain that I lost Brody Mingram's interest.
Brillant Rose, just brilliant. Excellent job, just marvelous. Another good thing comes your way and you wrinkle and ruin it. You're the one with the communication problems. I will tell you the story later on, my readers. Right now I'm feeling too tired and regretful about it. I messed up "what could of been happening" with Brody before it even started. I can't seem to forgive myself. I know I'm being dramatic, but it's so pathetic how I'm really beginning to have feelings for someone and I end up becoming a brat without meaning to. Wow. && he's so sweet and forgiving and I feel like... I don't know. :( I do not swear, but I think the perfect word for how I view myself right now ,is a "female dog who can't seem to think right." I have learned that my intentions are good, but the words I use just don't come out fluently or they're just messy and full of nonsense. I woke up this morning feeling horrible. It was five am. I don't like being mean to people, so the situation was really picking at my brain. So, I rose from bed and prayed. I read the Bible and spoke to God. Brody didn't even contact me today. Ha, and I'm not surprised. Honestly.
I'm so mad at myself for being an idiot. I didn't mean to be mean. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't swear... it's plainly my poor choice of words. And actions.

Part of the reason why I'm having all these stupid situations explode in my face is because ,of my lost connection with God this summer. Summer started on the 23rd of May. Since then, I haven't been connecting with the Lord. I pray, but most of the time, not with my heart. My prayers are rushed because I'm battling sleepiness. I go to Mass with a head full of other stuff and I'm not fully listening. What's happening to me? I feel so far away from the Lord. && it hurts. I can't stand myself right now.

Tell Me Baby, What Do You Want?

What do you wish for?

-I wish for the whole world to love one another. Undying, unselfish, love. The kind of love that will help you sleep at night.

-I wish for true love and success.

-I wish my mom would understand me. Seriously. We never get along. I am so sick of arguing with her. I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore.

-I wish I achieved my cheerleading dreams a lot sooner. I really want to be on All-Star.

-I wish I wasn't scared to fall.

-I wish it were sunny today

- I wish I can go to Chik-fil-A right now.

-I wish I didn't have a learning disability

-I wish to hold hands with Jesus

- I wish people felt better about themselves

-I wish I wasn't feelinmg so much pressure nowadays

-I wish there was no such thing of cancer or any illness

-I wish I had my backhandspring and other tumbling

-I wish could sing, hold a note, bring chills to the bones, and catch people eyes with a killer voice.

-I wish I had blue eyes

-I wish I had a different type of hair

- I wish I can go shopping right now

-I wish can get this stupid pimple off my face

-I wish I woke up every morning with Farah Fawcett's hair. (R.I.P Oh it's so sad. I hate cancer. Why can't it just go away? Farah was such a terrific actress. She was so spirited and positive. She was a good woman.)

-I wish I can get my license sooner.(November 2009!! Can't wait)

-I wish I can afford alot more things

-I wish things weren't getting so dang confusing with Brody Mingram. Our communication is a mess. We're going to have to work... really hard.

-I wish I can kiss Brody, hold Brody's hand and simply be his girl. Doing this now harms the developing friendship. So I wait.

-I wish when I talk, it actually makes sense.

- I wish I didn't get so nervous.

- I wish that my parents actually loved each other. Hold hands, laugh, play, and be husband and wife. Basically my sisters and I were told that they're just staying together for us.

-I wish people actually did what God wants us to do. <3

-I wish for Michael Jackson to be alive. He was one of the sweetest people on earth who actually cared about others, especially the children. Heal The World, The Lost Children, Earth Song, etc. He was love. His voice, his dance moves, everything- Michael Jackson is a legend. I wish they didn't persecute him for a crime he didn't do. I wish people treated him right. But a lot of us failed and realized our mistake a little too late. && I hope I will find someone like that, someone who is just a sweet and loving.