&this is something I don't want to do...

HIATUS.
Till May 1st.
I have a lot on my plate right now and more than half is my academic life. I need to focus. Cheerleading tryouts are in a month. It's time to get serious with my splits, jumps, diet, tumbling, and my flexibility. I'm trying to refrain from all distractions. I'm using the computer for academic and cheerleading purposes only. Spring Break's in five days and all my vacation plans are broken. I'm spending it with my research paper, extra math practice, and preparing for tryouts. Yes, I honestly don't have a life. At times, I wish I had someone special so they can show me the world.

Don't forget about me, girls.

Coming in May-R.V. Weekly (aka. Rose Valentine videos :) )

James

I met James Kaferney in sixth grade. I met his mother first. She was one of the lunch ladies and was delighted to meet me because my family is Ghanaian just like hers. She was really sweet and squealed happily, "Ah, you have to meet my son James!" I can't remember clearly how James and I met, but we were pretty much good friends. We weren't close, but we were friendly. We never had any classes together and we ate lunch at different times. Talking at school was almost impossible. Freshmen year I entered the private school system again and James remained in public school. We reconnected on facebook last summer and we've been pretty close since then.

Soon enough, I began to know the real James. I began to notice how strange he was. He spoke differently than most teenage guys. He thought in such peculiar ways and was obsessed with the idea of love and falling in love. Whenever he felt something for a girl, he would quickly throw down the "I'm in love with her" card and he's all over the place with it. That is why I don't believe he's in love with his cousin this time.But, he's sweet. He was the first guy to say that I was beautiful. Why I remember this? At the time, I was struggling with confidence. I was feeling insecure and I too, wanted love. However, I never thought of James romantically. Our friend Nicole Acosta, wants James and I to date, and she tried to encourage it , but to me, that wouldn't feel right. I'm just not attracted to him that way. Anyway, we've been texting throughout this week. I've read all of the comments from the previous post about three times each, and took the advice. Thankyou so much girls. :) Here are all the texts:

Day after...

Monday. &&I replied to the text like this:

Me: "I'm here for you. So whenever you need to talk, I'm here."

James: "Thanks. :) You're a true friend! And those are hard to find.

Me: "James listen, I honestly think you should stop seeing your cousin. It's not right. Since she's 21 and all, she can get into big trouble. You should fined someone else... Someone who isn't related to you and closer in age."

That probably wasn't the right thing to say.

James: "I wish it were that easy... it's weird, I think about her almost constantly and even dream about her every night. I imagined a woman like her and guess what. One week later she comes through that door. It's so hard almost impossible, to let someone like that go, no matter the circumstances.

I closed my phone and thought. I couldn't reply to that. Dang. Why does he always leave me speechless like that?

Tuesday.

James: "Hey, thanks for your advice."

Me:" Your welcome. I hope you are okay today. By the way, how long have you been with her? What's her name?"

James: "Hmm we arent't a couple, just have a strong bond... and her name's Sharon."

Today. This afternoon.

Me: "Hey are you going to be home tonight? I'm going to call you so we can talk about what's been going on."

James:"Ok, but everything is better, and I'm in the process of getting over her."

But I thought you were in love.

Me: "That's good. Are you praying about it?"

James: "Do I need to? I found God too, but I don't think I have a good connection."

Me:"It's always good to pray. What do you mean you don't have a good connection? Like ur feeling distant from Him?

James: "I feel like everything I do is a sin, and it's not... I feel like He resents me."

James: "And I feel like I'm asking too much."

Me: "It's your guilty conscience and the devil is trying to bring you down. God never resents. he listens with patient love and He wants us to keep asking and He will give you all you need."

James: "I got loads of questions cuz... since the whole school incident I started believing and I'm new to it, and I don't know what's wrong and what's right in His eyes."

Me: "Ok, we need to talk tonight most definitely.

James: "Thanks."

Maybe I just don't understand him. What if James was in love? But you can't fall out of love just like that can you? How am I to know? I've never been in love.

How should I reply to this?

Texting.

Me: " James! Long time no talk! How's it going?"
James: "Hey! I was just thinking of you, so weird! I'm doing ok i suppose, just got my phone back. How 'bout you?"
Me: "Lol! I'm great! How's life?"
James: "Good. Ugh it's horribly horrible! But tryin' to make the best out of things/"
Me: "Aw! What's going on?"
James: "Got suspended from school till the start of next year, so now I'm homeschooled and really lonely. And I fell in love with a woman, but God put some major obstacles in our way."
Woman? He's 16, just like me.
Me: "Man. How did all of this happen?"
James: "Well, you know that time I saw you in the dollar store and introduced you to that woman? That's her... and at school I made a bad mistake a long time and somehow it came back to put my world in vertigo (??) and I lost some friends, but above all some respect and trust from my parents."
Me:"Hm, I remember you telling me that that woman was your cousin. What's going on between you two? And what happened at school? Perhaps I can help."
James: "Hahah ya that's one thing... and I know it's really weird. I sold some pills to two kids, when I said I was done, one got mad and told on me and some other ppl... please don't think any less of me, or see me as a bad person because I'm not.
Me: "I don't think of you as a bad person. I'm just really shocked. Don't worry what the others say. God forgives you and you must forgive yourself. Why did you do it? And this girl... what's going on.
As you can tell, I really wanted to know.
James: "I don't know why I did it, to be honest. Nothing really... we just fell in love, when the universe is against us."
I was totally getting suspicious here...
Me: "How old is she?"
James: 21.
....
Me: "Whoa. Were you two secretly seeing each other?
James: "She was staying at my house! We cuddled and I always stole sweet little kisses from her, and talked about our future and investigated things."
At this moment... I was disturbed.
Me:"Investigating things? What?
James:"Like analyzing what people said and stuff, like if someone made a rude gesture towards one of us we'd wonder why."
Me:"Oh ok. Wow."
James: "Lol what do you think of me and her, we shouldn't be together?"
Took me a few minutes to reply to this one.
Me: "I don't think it's right... do your parents know?"
James:"Eh cuz of the cousin part? Or just everything? Well, they know I'm in love with her, but not that she feels the same 'bout me."
Me: "She's way too old. And the cousin part... I don't know...
James: "Age shouldn't ever be a factor when it comes to love, and its only 5 years apart... but ya I know, the cousin part is weird and even sick as some might say."
Me: (No reply)
James: "Do you think I'm some sort of weird freak now? Be honest.
Me: (No reply)

How can I answer to this? To be honest, I think James' is crazy.

It's raining

It's raining.
This is incorrect. Saturdays are supposed to be beautiful and sunny, although rain can be quite precious. I love to be kissed in the rain and to dance and be twirled in it too. My day has been peaceful so far. I was practicing my splits for cheerleading and having an intense dance workout to the song, 'Freeze,' by T. Pain for about an hour this morning. Later this afternoon, me, Evan, Caroline and all of my youth group friends are attending, 'Cardboard Box City.' We're sleeping outside our church in cardboard boxes. The point of it is to be a homeless person for a day and raise money for St. Vincent De Paul society. This is my first year doing this, and I heard it's worth trying out. We're not allowed to be bring excess food,(ugh. I 'm always eating!) ipods, cellphones, or extra clothes. I'm most certainly bring a toothbrush and toothpaste and I'm not going to be bothered wearing my contacts. Evan and I are going to hang throughout the whole thing. No sleep tonight. :)

It's bitterly windy and rainy today. :/ If the weather gets too bad, then we're sleeping in the church. I should be working on my math project , but I felt like blogging. :) Besides that, nothing much has been going on in my life. Things are alright. School grades are not as high as I wish for them to be. I have too many b's. I don't have any a's, unfortunately. The work is beginning to be way too much- from a seven page research paper, to having four tests in one day. It's crazy.

My geometry grade needs some work. I have a 73 in that. Terrible, of course. I don't know what else to do. I study days in advance for all the tests and quizzes. I take notes, complete all homework assignments,and I even have a tutor. In my school schedule, I'm even a class where I can get school help for my learning disability and all I do is study math. AH!!! What more can I do? Perhaps I get terribly nervous and I forget all of my formulas. That's probably the case. Or maybe I need constant practice. Write all of the formulas on my binders, walls, hands, lol! If I fail geometry, I can't try out for the school cheer squad. That would break my heart. No joke. "If you don't make on the squad, my mother hissed. "No more cheerleading outside of school."

What?! You've got to be joking. I love cheer too much! I can't just give it up like that. This is the only sport I do pretty well in. I fear the ball in basketball and volleyball. I was never interested in those sports anyway. Softball, lacrosse, etc as well. I tried dance as well, and I realized that ballet was not for me at all. I can't just be a writer. I've got to have more talents somewhere.I love sports! My mother always wanted me to do track, and I'm beginning to think I should too. People would tell me all the time that I should do track or join the school cheer squad.

"You run fast, Rose." My best friend, Natty had told me. "Yes! her mother, exclaimed. "You run like the wind, Ro Ro. Do track!" And just last night, a man came up to me and my sister at the gym and asked, "Do y'all do track?" I remember my friend Joe Rigsby telling me so as well. "Rose, you have the longest strides I have ever seen. You should do track. You'll be the next Wilma Rudolph or something." I laughed when he told me this. "Nah, I'm not sure if that's me. I replied, smiling with pleasure. "I'm cheerleading." Joe beamed at me. "Oh yeah, I can definitely see that. You've got the smile, the ribbons, and the glitter, everything." Well, I've got a plan. Cheerleading fall and winter, track spring. Junior year is certainly going to be fun. :)

Joy

We learn something new every single day.
I learned to not envy, but to feel joy for another. Honestly.
Why must we be bitter within, just because someone has what we want? It's not worth the ache. Save your heart from that. We must understand the fact that our hearts are incredibly fragile, some more fragile than others. Treat it well and listen to it. The secrets to your dreams are hidden within the voice of the heart. The voice of the heart is that sweet, heavenly voice. That voice that gives you warm feelings and positive thoughts.I realized that I do feel joy for others. When my friends talk about the guys they're dating and such, I no longer feel the twitch of envy in my heart.

My old boyfriend, Chris Angel has recently moved on again with someone new and I smile when I see pictures of him and his new girl, Haley together. They're sooo cute together! And Haley is BEAUTIFUL, my goodness. Her smile is glows. I am very happy for the both of them, for they seem very infatuated with each other. It's quite nice. Praise God. :) Mel literally ten miuntes ago, just got a boyfriend and my heart's doing backflips right now. She deserves a great guy. :) In the past, I actually do feel the twitch in my heart when I'm jealous of someone. It's a horrible feeling, and it hurts. Depending on what the situation is, my eyes may swim in tears. This will not happen anymore. I'm training my heart ( not my mind) to congratulate others wholeheartedly without the twitch. The power of prayer is beyond our own understanding. I will pray to praise others and not envy.

I feel joy all the time, and for no reason at all. This is true. It's God. <3

The Perfect Love

Wait until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally, unreservedly, to Me alone. I love you, my child. But until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another as you desire to be until you are united with Me, exclusive or anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and belongings. I want you to stop planning and stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan that exists-one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the very best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. Just keep your eyes on Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I AM. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must be patient.

Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things others have. Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking to Me, or you will miss what I want to give you. And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready... until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me... and this is perfect love.

-Theology of the Body. Chapter One pg 16. 'Created for love.'

Don't you want the perfect love, my readers? Look to God. And look up at the Cross.
You will know then, for this I'm sure. This is where my main focus in life is right now- becoming satisfied with God's love. Oh how He loves us so. He is so real, my darlings. If only I can feel His embrace. I would surly melt in His arms. I want a godly and holy relationship with a special boy one day. He will give me the love and respect that my first love failed to give me. That boy will give me what I deserve. And we could praise God through song together. Finding this particular boy, my Troy has become a bit of obsession since I've dreamt of him. I need to focus on God, not on boys. My friends may be moving faster than me- having their phones going off daily, meeting up guys and having fun on dates, but I know God has someone for me too. My heart has alot to offer. I will respect and cherish that boy.

Day by day, I begin to care less about the 'dating game' and just eye my dreams and what God wants me to do. Someday soon, I will be chased. I know I'm beautiful, because God made me. Just like Evan said, I don't need a guy to tell me that. I gave up buying hair bows and ribbons for Lent, and everyday I keep my promise to the Lord. I have over sixty, I think.I'm drawing closer to Evan too. And that's what I like.
That's my girl right there. :)

JC

I found someone who understands my heart.
God.
God knows it so well. He knows my heart much better than I do. Oh how I am so in love. I have offically declared Jesus has my boyfriend. He can be yours too, girls. :) Saturday night, I realized that my spiritual life will never be the same. My beautiful friend, Precious invited me to a youth conference at her church Saturday night. For some odd reason, I thought it was a church youth party of some sort. Precious talked about dancing and music, so I automatically assumed it was a church party. I got super excited about meeting new people(particulary boys) and dancing the night away. "I want you to meet this guy that I'm like so in love with! Precious had gushed to me on facebook. "His name is JC. Oh, cute boy! I thought. But when I arrived at the church, I soon realized that my friend meant JC, as in Jesus Christ. Why on earth was my mind centered on boys?

I thought Precious was talking about a crush! The youth conference was simply amazing, and I did find Jesus Christ. The music was upbeat and fun to dance to, but I'm not use to worshipping that way. I'm Catholic and worshipping is a bit quieter. I didn't know how to dance to the wonderful music of praise without feeling out of place.I did feel out of place though. People were staring at me, but I didn't mind. I was focusing on Christ. Oh, man what a night. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life. I love you, Jesus. Oh, praise Jesus. The Pastor there knew my heart. She knew it so well, as if my heart was a storybook bursting out of my body for the whole world to read. She called me on stage to give me a blessing, and I was nervous. She then began like this: "So many are jealous of you because of your beauty."
Record scratch.
Hold on, what?

At this point, I did not meet the Pastor's eyes. I just contined to listen. My eyes grew larger as she began to speak the truth- the truth of my heart. "You are more than a pretty face. You want people to look at your heart. Look at my heart, that's not who I am, Look at my heart!" Tears began to trickle down my face and as the Pastor went on talking, I began to sob how I have never burst before. Everything the Pastor was the truth. I could not believe it. She was reading my heart. She knows my heart. "Don't give away anything. Don't give away your heart, your clothes, don't give away anything. The Lord knows that you want to fit in, but you will never fit in, Rose. God said you will never fit in because...." And what also shocked me was that she knew my secret identity. If I tell you readers my secret, you may not believe me. Soon, don't you worry I will tell you. I just have to figure out a way to tell you all. "You want to please God.... sometimes when you walk down that hallway people think, 'oh she thinks she's tis, oh she thinks she's that and then people make fun of the way you talk." I was howling at that time, and the Pastor locked me in a tight embrace.

Everything she was saying was the TRUTH. She then began speaking in some sort of tongue I could not understand. I knew it was the Holy Spirit speaking through her.My feet were planted on that stage for ages, but I wasn't the only one. I began to thank Jesus over and over and over. The pastor wiped my face with tissues. One of the musicians at the church came over to me and we started to talk. She began to talk. She asked me questions as well. And also began to speak in some sort of tongue. The Holy Spirit." I am so inspired by you, Rose. You're 16 and you found Christ. When I was 16 I didn't know who He was. I'm 34, I now know who He is." Man. What a night.

"She knew how I was feeling and everything!" I exclaimed to Precious that night. We were sitting outside the church eating pizza. Precious smiled. "She's a prophet." When I arrived home late that night, I got this in my facebook inbox from a friend:

"Ive noticed you have many great things on your status all the time such as the one you have right now, everything about God and Jesus, you really inspire me every time I read your posts but I have a question, its semi a problem but how do you do that? How are you so faithful? Ive tried so many times, I go to church, I praise God every sunday and at retreats but after awhile, I mean after the retreats and all the good stuff I go back to who I was when I said to myself, Ive changed, I dont know where I am right now in my spiritual life but yeah hope you could give me some kind of reply on this haha."
<3

No school today. For the first time in how many years(???) it snowed here in Atlanta. :)))