Second chance love

All Hail Christ the King. <3
It's the holiday season. :)
Ah, my favorite time of year.
Where love and family seems to wrap everyone in the warmest blanket. Love...
So apparently, Trevor is in love with me. I'm not going to tell you how he told me. That piece of information is unnecessary. I got so incredibly scared. I started to freak out and quickly, I dialed Jessica's number. "He's lying. She said. "Don't believe him and don't take it so seriously." Like, are you KIDDING me?! Trevor, you don't love me. We've only been talking for a week! Don't play with the word, love. It's not a toy. I'm actually kind of scared of him. I gave him my number Tuesday night and he called me the next day like he promised. I was feeling the sparks then, but they totally died after one phone conversation. I hope I don't sound like a brat, but Trevor acts differently on the internet. I like the Trevor on facebook- on the telephone, not so much. In the romantic sense. I shouldn't of given him my number though. He's a total stranger and what I've done was totally reckless. My bestfriend was very disappointed in me. My sister was scared, and as for the friends at school? They haven't a clue what's been going on. I'm not going to tell them either. They'll be thoroughly upset. Meeting a guy on the internet and then giving him my cell number? WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING?! He calles me every single night. I don't mind, because it's nice to have the phone ringing again...

Trevor is not dangerous. He seems harmless, but the way he describes sometimes makes me question. He does have a violent side and he's .... somewhat childish. I don't want to trash him or anything, but simply Trevor is not my type... at all. He's nice and he can be very sweet.... but no. I can only see him as a friend. I thought Trevor would probably someone I could consider dating in the future( before talking on the phone) and now I'm stuck in this. He wrote me a letter and sent it to me through facebook and the last line was, "You fill my heart with sunshine." And on chat, "Your name? Origin:heaven. meaning:pure,friendly, caring, and wonderful." "You fill my heart with sunshine?! Jessica had exclaimed. "That's really sweet but, it's only been a week!" I have to agree. He does not love me. I didn't reply. I couldn't.
I don't even like him romantically.
He said that he's going to come to Atlanta for the summer,(he has family and friends here) so we can meet and then he will wait for me to graduate.
I don't know, my readers he's just not...

Chris Angel. At all. They're two totally different people. It's not fair that I'm comparing Trevor to Chris, but Chris actually met my standards and we matched... perfectly. The instant chemistry says it all. The chemistry was hardly there when I first spoke to Trevor, and it's still absent.I just can't seem to find a guy just like him or I don't know... better than him? I was looking through our pictures last night, and my heart ached. Not too terribly though. I'm over the break-up now, but that doesn't mean I won't give Chris Angel a second chance. I so would. He's amazing. Really he is. My gosh, you have no idea. He was a very good boyfriend to me. He's different from most guys. And, if we do end up just "casually dating" someday, I wouldn't give a crap what people would say. Most my friends are full of contempt for him for what he did, but I'm not. That's what forgiveness is. No bitterness. First though, I want to rekindle the friendship. I don't think we could consider each other friends at the moment. I always have a weird feeling that he just doesn't want to talk to me, but to my utter shock Mel said he asked about me the other day. "How's Rose? Is she okay?"

Mel told me that Chris wasn't into his new girlfriend that much. "She's a nice girl, but she's just not exciting. Sometimes I "like" her and sometimes I don't." When she told me this, I got irritated. " Oh my gosh, are you kidding me?!" I have to confess... I was happy to hear this. (And you know why) Ah, I'm such a brat. Honestly, Chris just doesn't know what he wants. Mel told him that he should just "casual date" and he kinda wants to take her advice. That boy is going to break so many hearts if he keeps up the "middle school relationship behavior." He shouldn't settle. Not right now at least. Him and his girlfriend broke up today and I feel sorry for him. Really, I do. I saw the new statuses and everything and I'm guessing his girlfriend broke up with him. Oh dear. From what I read from his status, he's not happy. I wish I could talk to him, but I highly don't he wants comfort from his ex-girlfriend. Is my chance to get him back here? Probably not as girlfriend and boyfriend... but you know what I mean right? Friendship first.
Chris Angel is for me. Maybe not for eternity, but there's still a chance to be "us" again. (Uh, I hope I'm not contradicting myself. Haha.) Oh, am I being downright selfish and desperate?!

Quote found on classmate's facebook: "There's a time when you realize who matters. you only live once. If you want someone, get them. screw all the haters."

Thankful

1. God. Jesus and all the saints. I am thankful for their unconditional, heartburning love.
2. I am thankful for love in general.I am possibly the biggest romantic ever. God placed love in all of hearts. We are naturally drawn to the good and to love others.
3. My family- the comfort and the security
4. Friendship. It's clearly a gift that can break.
5. My first (&& past) relationship with Chris Angel
6. Nature and its beauty
7. Everything that's good in life. :)


HAPPY THANKSGIVING. <3

Internet Buddies

I've been really good friends with a girl called, Kelcee. We met each other through a friend on the internet three years ago. She lives in Texas and I live in Georgia, so we have never met up in person. However, Kelcee is one of my best friends. We tell each other just about everything through email and instant messaging. It's really nice. I know it's risky to meet people online, but not everyone is bad. You just have to be smart and watch for signs. I actually don't go in chat rooms that much. Most of time, there's alot of trash. On Friday, I met a guy on facebook. His name is Trevor. There is a dating/ friendship application on facebook we you can meet other teens. It's called, "Are you interested?". (It's more of a dating application than friendship, by the way) I signed up and one night, Trevor clicked, "yes" on me and we started to send messages to each other just through that application. Then, soon enough he added me as a friend on facebook. When I saw the request on my page, I hesistated. I don't know this boy... but I'll click "accept" and see how he is." Trevor and I started chatting on facebook for a little bit and then we ended up chatting for about three 1/2 hours- 12 to about four in the morning. We talked for another three hours yesterday as well.

Isn't that crazy? Trevor seems like a really nice guy. He's a junior in highschool and a love poet. Isn't that cute? He writes alot, just like me! He also runs track and plays football and basketball. Trevor is really sweet too. :) He said my profile picture was beautiful. He posted my profile pictures on his page and at first I got scared because I honestly don't know him and well it was kind of weird. But then Trevor said this, "I thought they looked so good, I wanted to see them when I look at my profile. " He put a smiley face at the end. "Aww okay." We've been talking on facebook all weekend and he has "thing" for me. He told me. On his status, he put that his life changed and I asked how. He responded, " I met someone I like. :) " Aww what's her name?" I asked, slyly.
"I think you know. " :)
I can't say I'm feeling anything yet. Seriously, it's only been a weekend. Too bad he lives in Virgina. He used to live in Atlanta, and he wants to come back. That would be nice. :)

My Current Facebook status: if you saw me standing in the crowd, would you look back at me twice, or greet me with a simple glance?
Trevor commented: Look back three times.

Aww!

& Hearts

How would YOU define me?
What am I like to YOU?
How is my heart?
What kind of heart do I have?
It's all up to YOU.
- Define me. Honesty is welcome ONLY. Doesn't matter how long you've read my blog. You can know alot about someone just based on their writings. Those of you who have stuck with me since the summertime, probably know me better than my own friends at home. By the way, thank you so much for those lovely comments on my Homecoming pics. You're really sweet. More soon. :)

" && I know we're through, but just like that
Mariah Carey song... Don't Forget About Us."

Quote written by me.

People Pleaser

I've learned that...
I'm a total people pleaser.
I say what people want to hear. It doesn't matter how I feel. I don't lie necessarily, I just want to be nice and not say "no" all the time. I really don't express how I feel about things most of the time. I want to come across as nice and sweet. For example, if a friend wanted a dollar for a snack (and if I was super hungry) and all I had was that dollar, I would not say no. I would starve and let my friend have the dollar. Or maybe that's being generous? But, sometimes when I'm talking to people and there's a bit of a disagreement or something, I just try(moreforce myself) to agree anyway, so no one would get cross with me. I want to keep people happy. Most of the time, I ignore my silent "no's" and opinions. I wasn't really aware of this trait that I havve until Jessica pointed this out to me last week. She asked me to describe myself and I dug pretty deep. "I'm dumb and I have alot to learn. Sometimes, I force myself to agree with people so they won't get mad at me. I'm not really honest with myself. I'm emotional, sweet, and I have patience. I'm also generous. I'm serious, puzzled, and shy." I don't know how to stop being a people pleaser. I was never always this way till now I guess. This is the way I am.

"The world would suck if there weren't any people pleasers, but they don't go anywhere."- Jessica.

Homecoming '08

The girls <3

The whole group part 1
The whole group part 2
Friends
Me && Chris
The girls part 2
The whole group part 3
The whole group part 4



me
Pictures taken at: Lexi's house
Time: Around five in the afternoon
Date: October 4, 2008

Please do not take any of these photos. Thankyou <3

The Change '08

Barack Obama has made history.

A change is coming.

He is the inspiration. The hope to everyone and he will unite all of the minorities of America. When my family and I watched the elections we screamed in victory. We were all overcome with emotion. I could feel it in my heart. I called my friends who were also Obama supporters and we screamed and screamed with joy. I felt so proud... we were all so happy. I'm democrat- my whole family is democratic but we didn't vote for Obama just because he's black. We voted for him because we agreed with most of his views and he promised change-real change. But yes, he is an inspiration to us as blacks in America. The first black president- that's history right there. Oh, the joy I felt- the joy I still feel. Obama, Obama. I can never get enough of watching him on the television. I can't believe this happened. I almost cried, my readers.Cried. I got down on my knees and praised the Lord right before bed that night. I celebrated. The next morning, I woke up and it all really sunk in. Wow, Obama won. The change is here. And history... he's made history. The first black president. That's something. People all over the world are celebrating Obama's success. In Kenya, they made Obama's victory an National holiday. People in Japan held conferences and prayer services just for Obama. My mom bought several newspapers for the memories.

That very next day however, was possibly the worst.

I was so very happy. I could feel it burning and firing up in my heart that it permanently left a smile on my face. My classmates could tell, but half of the students there wanted John Mccain. Or neither. We held a mock election last week and Mccain won the majority of the school. Us Obama supporters were consistently burned to the ground all day. I have never felt so rejected and offended in my life. Evan wanted Mccain, and her of all people- my best friend also brought me down and hindered my happiness a bit. Most the harsh comments were directed to all of the black kids. It's funny how the color of someone's skin can cause so much chaos. There is never an excuse to be racist towards anyone. When I look at someone, I look at them as a person, I'm color blind (in that sense. Not literally) First of all, it wasn't only black people who voted for Obama. Obama got all kinds of races- black, white, Asian, Latino, etc. And, most of the black people who voted for him didn't vote for him just because he's black. I mean, there was a handful of them who voted for him for that reason,but that doesn't give anyone the right to generalize like that. That's ignorance and that really ticks me off when people say that. Alot of people were bashing Obama and making racists comments all over the place. My sister and I felt hurt. We couldn't believe how racist are school really is. A kid in my class was even conjuring up some sort of vision of Obama's assassination.

Look at this ignorance. It's disgusting. I have never felt rejected in my life. There is never an excuse to be racist. It's amazing how the color of someone's skin can cause such chaos. My mom was surprised what happened at school, because it's a private Catholic school and all and she thinks that we are all "angels." No, mom. It's highschool. Honestly, I didn't understand the anger some people had at school. After all, America choose him. It was in God's plan. Robert Kennedy predicted this history way back in the 1960s. God's plan.

Another thing that angers me is when people say that if you support Obama, then you support the killing of babies. Okay, I've explained this to people a thousand times. Obama is pro-choice. In other words, he thinks it's the woman's choice to abort or not. It's like sin- you choose to sin or not to sin. Abortion is a terrible thing, but people make the choice to do so or not. Another thing is that, Catholics can vote for Obama. How dare people say that if your Catholic you can't vote for him. The Pope, even sent out a message saying that we could and that even if we do agree with being pro-choice, that it was okay. Being pro-choice doesn't mean you support abortion all the way through. It doesn't mean you're saying yes to abortion, you're saying yes to choice. I agree with both Mccain and Obama. (If that makes any sense. I'm half and half)But one thing I don't agree with, is Mccain saying that he's pro life and yet, he believes in capital punishment. That's not pro life. Pro life means that you believe that all life is sacred. Not just babies' lives. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Mccain. (I'm not trying to bash him)I don't hate him or anything, and really if he had won I would of gotten over it and pray for him too. I wouldn't get angry. I wouldn't bash him in people's faces. And really, to be a supporter of either candidates, it means you agree with most or all of their views, ideas, plans, etc.You don't have to believe in all of their views.

Anyway, I'm ignoring all the trash that is going around at school. Honestly, if my mom were to withdraw me from school on Wednesday and send me to my local school, I would of left... willingly.It was awful. I felt so bad. But, not everyone reacted that way. I musn't generalize either. There was a good amount of Obama supporters too. I mean, people were being harsh about it on facebook and all but, it's okay now. It's all over. I'm happy and I'm praying for Barak Obama and his family. He needs our support.

It was Chris's birthday on Election day. He was happy that Obama won. The best birthday gift he's ever got. I acutally gave him a phone call(while muttering to myself, "I'm risking my life, I'm risking my life..." Not to be mean or anything. ) and we literally talked for two mintues. He was busy watching the elections and he couldn't talk. I'm so suprised that he picked up! But, I've been getting these weird vibes that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. We've talked on facebook a couple of times and I don't know... he's got another girlfriend now.(he broke it off with Christina, the girl he kinda had a thing with just after the break-up. Mel isn't allowed to tell me what happened with the whole thing so obviously, Christina was the girl he kissed or whatever and it was probably more than kiss but of course nothing "too far") Now, it's kind of funny because, Melanie told me that Chris is not a relationship person.He gets infatuated and then he rushes into a relationship. I'm guessing the last part of it would be, "Then he breaks it off." That was probably want really tore us apart despite the distance(I honestly thought that the distance wasn't too bad. Thirty- five miuntes. But whatever. It's all over. Why am I still talking about this?) and his unfaithfulness.

He can't stick in a relationship and I can. That is a major difference between us. I pray that Chris doesn't makecheat on his new girl. I mean, I serioulsy thought about it before, but there is probably a reason why he cheated on me. I mean, there is no reason to cheat, but he probably felt that I was just too far away and he wanted someone closer. He was probably missing me and wanted to see me more. Doesn't that sound true? I have to confess that I am jealous of him because he was able to find someone new within what three weeks, and me I'm still trying to find someone to "just date." Chris has everything going for him. Soccer superstar, good grades, the best birthday present, and he has someone special by his side. I know for sure, that I'm not going to find my guy anytime soon.

It sucks. Major. Especially if you've got a huge amount of your friends and classmates all finding someone to be with.(You know I'm not going to let this go) Jessica told me that I have to meet some guys but WHERE?? I've been asking her that question forever. I'm not desperate, but I'm eager. I guess I'm still hurt. Maybe not too much but I'm still aching. Not for Chris, but for someone new. Not for emotional purposes, though. I'm not that kind of girl. I'm not going to throw myself in any guy's arms. He's got to meet my standards. Anyway, there are alot of jerks doing all sorts of damage at school and is REALLY REALLY hindering my belief that they are truly good ones out there, or there is really one for me for that matter. :/ Whatever. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, but I'm not going to let this go. I'm ready to date and I'm ready for the next great guy to come along. I remember Evan stated this at the game last night. " You two (meaning me and Mel) give in too much time in guys. If a guy gives you crap, then leave him." " Well, it's kinda hard to especially if you like the guy,I repiled. Evan had said this because Spencer wasn't spending time with Mel at the game and Mel was getting upset, because it seemed like Spencer was playing games.I mean, serioulsy that was the main reason why he came. But, it was all good at the end of the night. :) I'm not going to stop going to the football games , just because my friends got their guys. I love football! I always get pointers from the varisty cheerleaders by watching how they cheer.

"You just need to get out there more, Jessica advised. You're sheltered and inexperienced."

Okay, once again HOW do I get out there?Joining clubs and stuff? I've joined the Bible study club but, that's all girls and I didn't join the club so I can find a boy. That's silly. I joined so I can read the Bible and learn more about it. I'm going to join clubs that I like anyway, not so I can meet some boy. LOL. Whatever. By the way, I got my driving permit today. :) Yay! Perfect plan- sophomore year (now) permit, then junior year, license. So, although I turned fifteen in Feburary of last year, I will still be sixteen when I get my license. Sixteen going on seventeen. I can drive around only with family members for now. And then several months from now, I really don't have too. I think? Yay, that means I can take myself to cheerleading and dates! I mean I know there's like a state curfew or something...

Human

It's official.
I don't want to be human.
I don't want to feel bad and make mistakes that would change my life. I don't want my heart to break again- I don't want to be sad, I don't want to feel pain- emotional and physical. I don't want to get enraged, envy, or grow impatient. I want to be happy, always. Don't get me wrong, my readers. I am a happy girl but you know what I mean right? I think I'm changing. I'm not praying enough, I don't crack open my Bible enough, or go to daily Mass anymore. ( I just go on Sundays. I still have dates with Jesus and I pray before I rest.) And, I'm swearing. Sometimes. I mean, I don't swear too much( I don't cuss on here, so yes I don't cuss a lot and it's not like I swear aloud for the whole world to hear. It's usually to myself. Like, "Oh (insert here).) I feel like a bad person. A bad Christian. It's terrible and I have to stop. I'm stopping now. Good thing it's not a habit. One thing I will never do is swear in the Lord's name. That's just wrong. Overall, I'm on a spiritual low. Major. I need to get back on track. NOW. I don't know how to begin. I need Camp Covecrest again. I need a refresher. I think my problem is that I'm seeking happiness somewhere else.

Human love.
What do I mean by that? I'll explain.
God's love is the only that can fullfill that hole in your heart. No one and nothing else can do that. I can get attached to people. Not clingy, but attached. And once I've opened up, I don't stop and then a piece of heart goes to that person. I've learned that about myself. If I open up to you and then all the sudden you disappear, I get a wound. I get hurt. Another reason why I don't want to be human.

Human love.
I like attention- but not too much. Not that "popularity" nonsense, but I want people to "see" me. Call me. Greet me. Hear me. Hug me. You're probably thinking I don't get enough attention at home, but I honestly do. So, really I don't know what my problem is.

Human love.
My closet friends are now finding and/or with their "special guy." Mel's with Spencer, Savanna and Nick are offical, Evan has tons of guys interested in her and there's one she's going to meet pretty soon. Tara is "sort of" with a guy called, Cody, and Lexi already has a thing with P.K just after break-up with her boyfriend.(It's okay with Lexi doing that I guess. It's the fastest way to move on and her boyfriend didn't treat her right. He hurt her.) As you can tell, I am jealous. Friday is the football playoffs and of course my girls are going to be off with their guy and who am I going to be with? Mr. hot chocolate and mrs. cell phone while watching the game in self pity. Can you blame me for feeling jealous? Just when my fairytale ends, everyone else is now getting into theirs. Alot of my peers are finding that special someone to date or to be with. Those relationship statuses on facebook keep changing. I'm feeling left out of love. It feels good to be with someone you truly, romantically, admire. I'm just a hopeless romantic. After watching Highschool Musical 3 on Saturday(I'm a big Troy and Gabriella fan) I really went off daydreaming about the romance from the movie. I love Troy and Gabriella's relationship. It's beautiful, pure, cute, but the thing is though, half of it so unrealistic. The harmony, the chemistry, everything that ties those two together is just not real right? Nothing really falls apart between them. Not all the way at least.

Jessica told me that I need more experience with dating and relationships. She's right. I can't just go out there not knowing what the heck I'm doing. I know I have plenty of time, but seriously I've heard from others. I can't just wait till college like that. I would be stupid and naive and get myself in some crazy situations. I wouldn't know how to be a girlfriend or a good date and worst of all, I would be clueless. Right now, school is on my brain but so is dating. It's not bad thing to date in highschool. My parents have sheltered me. They don't want me to date or be in a relationship. But you know what? They can't tell me how I feel about people. So, if I meet a nice guy and I can see myself with him, then so be it. They can't stop that. I'm not going to ignore the feelings and the connection I feel with that person, just so my parents will be pleased. I can't live up to ALL of their expectations.

That's just not right. I'm not a robot. They can't program me. I am my own person. They know I'm not stupid. I made good descions when I was in a relationship and they knew that too. I have morals, I have standards. I'm not desperate to be with a guy, I just would like to be with someone. I mean, my parents are experienced (obviously. they wouldn't be married if they weren't) but "it's" just different now in 2008... in America. My parents are Ghanaians. They were separated from the opposite sex most of the time so everything was just awkward when they met up for dances, etc.American teenagers are different from Ghana in teenagers. We approach things different. Especially dating and relationships. It's just a whole different culture.

Personally, I don't think it's fair. For once I wanted a guy to actually be infatuated with me. To wrap his arms around me, hold my hands, kiss me, and call me late at night. Look what happened now. It's gone... already. (I probably sound like a baby right now) There's a winter formal coming up after Christmas break and guess who's not going to get asked? Me. Just like the previous year with everything else, I was never asked. My friends were but I was not. I remember some of them would complain, "Ugh so and so asked me to go with him." Oh really? Guess who wasn't asked? I did ask one guy and the dance was great and everything. I don't know, I'm not interested in anyone anyway, but still. I'm going to end up staying at home that night because of all my friends would have dates. If I do end up asking a guy, he's not going to say yes. He'll feel pressured to. But, I'm not going to ask a guy just for the sake of having a date. If I am interested or he's a friend then why not? Jessica told me that I need to become less shy less "Omigosh!", and that I need to get out there more. I don't know how to do that either. Personally, I like the way I am.

My friend Stephanie and even Jessica told me that they thought I was "booshie" or "snobby" because I speak properly. That was their first impression. I was thorougly shocked when I heard this. I was scared (literally) that that was the demeanor I give off. Wow. Just because I speak proper English? People always make fun of the way I talk. Maybe it's too "preppy." I can't help it. That's just they way I talk. "You're just proper, Rose. Stephanie had tol. "But it's okay, though. It's not a bad thing. I know you're not a spoiled brat or a snob." People have always called me proper. What is proper anyway?I'm not a snob or a brat. I consider myself to be sweet, kind, and patient. I'm certainly not snobby. Wow. I'm getting off topic. Anyway, I know my luck with the male species is sad. I don't know how to communicate with them. Jessica told me that I need to get more guyfriends. The thing is though, they guys don't want to talk to me. "I'm surprised that the guys at your school aren't chasing after you." Chris had said to me once.

Maybe I should actually try to talk to them. I'm just shy with boys. I mean, why am I? They're just boys right? Again. What. Is. My. Problem? I mean, I have few guyfriends. It's all about quaility not quanitity right? "You need to relax, Rose. Jessica stressed. "Stop freaking out and being like, "omigosh!" all the time. They (boys) don't like that." I you continue, all you're ever going to attract our little fourteen and fifteen year old guys."I just hope that a great guy will come my way someday soon. I'm feeling terribly jealous and left out and I can't ignore those feelings. I don't know what it's going to take for me to get into what my world history teacher calls it, "the dating game." I wouldn't necessarily call dating a game with every teenager. Some aren't "playing it like a game." Some are actually quite serious. (As you can tell, I let my emotions take control of me. Not a good thing.) Jessica actually found someone else for me. His name is Louis and he's in college. The other conflict was for me to make a myspace to contact him. Myspace is banned in my household. At first I was very unwilling. I went from unwilling to, "Okay I'm going to make a myspace right now!" and finally to, "No. I can't. He's too old." Jessica got very cross with me. "Forget it, Rose. She growled. What's with you and older guys?" You mean, college guys? Louis is too old. It's kind of weird though. Jessica told me that Louis's status was this:" Darn, when I am I going to find that special girl. :(

My addiction is human love. Most of it, the fairytale love. Infatuation and the teen puppy love.I need to seek God and Jesus with all of my heart. I need their love more than anything on this earth. I don't need a guy, but I would like to be with a "Mr. Amazing." And there's no way I'm going to find him. Maybe it's because I'm looking. After all, Chris kind of came out of nowhere.(You're probably like, "Rose is NEVER going to shut up about him!") I don't have feelings for him anymore, but just like everyone else I know he's part of my life. I don't shove people out of it.

- It's okay for me to feel this way. God has placed our want and need of love in our hearts. It's natural.

No school today. :))

Pretty

"You're so pretty... you're so beautiful. Your face, everything is just perfect."
Okay so, I love makeup. I really like the mascara, the eyeliner, the eye glitter and the face powder. I didn't start using makeup properly till this past summer. Last year, I didn't wear any unless it was Homecoming or something. Now I'm into every piece of makeup. I try to put on too much. I just like makeup. It makes me feel better, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess you can say I'm a bit insecure, but I'm not shallow. Looks aren't everything but most of the time I wear makeup to please the guys, not myself. Chris always said I was beautiful. He would say that to me every single time we spoke. Whenever a guy calls me "pretty" or "beautiful" it touches my heart and I will remember them. Maybe it's because I don't tell myself that I am beautiful.

Jessica told me that it shouldn't be a surprise and I shouldn't take it to heart whenever a guy compliments me in that way. "You should look at yourself in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you're beautiful. You should already know that you are. So when a guy or anybody tells you that, you shouldn't be like, "Omigosh!" But, I can't help it. I do take it to heart. I admit that I like it when a guy stares at my face. I want to read his mind and I want every guy that I cross paths with to think of me as pretty or beautiful.I don't know why I'm making a big deal out of this. The thing is, whenever another girl calls me pretty or beautiful I'm just like, "Aww thanks!"

However with a guy, it's a total different reaction.Maybe I'm just stupid. I guess because beauty gets attention. Some people are just shallow. I don't think I'm ugly. (I use to) Not all. I'm not conceited or anything but, I do consider myself to be pretty. I am beautiful in God's eyes and that's all that matters. And yet I still continue to struggle with beauty. I just can't seem to put down that eyeliner. I can't go natural. That's just not... me?
After all, makeup is not bad right?
I'm going to a sweet sixteen tonight and whenever I go to a function, it takes me forever to put on makeup.(On a daily basis, it does take me some time.) I don't know... am I to into makeup or something?

Fake Cheerleader?

So you're a cheerleader.
You stunt. You cheer. You dance. You shout.
Look into the roaring crowd and flash a smile.
You see the the glares, the ridicule, the snickers.
You can hear...
The stereotypes.
Some say cheerleaders are ditzy, snobby, man-snatchers, and hoochie. Some say that cheerleading is not even a sport. I don't listen to that, because it's not true. Yes, some cheerleaders are ditzy man-snatchers who can't seem to find clothes, but anyone can be that way- not just cheerleaders. I put full blame on the media. Thanks to them, people make all kinds of crazy generalizations about cheerleaders. I always wanted to be cheerleader and I just started this past July. Before that, I was into ballet. My "signature look" is hair ribbons and eye glitter, so people would always ask me if I were a cheerleader. Evan told me that when she looks at me, she thinks "cheerleader." I take that compliment wholeheartedly because I am one, and then again I don't feel like I am. (This where my "lost identity" kicks in. This is part of it)

Let me explain.
I don't cheer at school. I cheer at a gym called Usa Cheers.( I have the link on here so you can check it out if you want.) But the thing is though, us girls don't actually cheer and dance. We just practice the real physical stuff- the jumps, the round-offs, the backhandsprings, etc. It's still cheerleading. Thankfully, I found a gym where I can do both- cheer and flip. I learn all of the cheer motions and I know how to what I call, "cheer sing" but I want to make sure that I am well prepared for school try-outs. Mel is a cheerleader at school and she said that alot of the girls are leaving so, there's more spots for others! Mel got me into cheering and now I've got Evan interested. Lexi might try out as well. She will definitely make it, considering the fact that her mom is a professional cheerleading coach. That would be really nice if we all were on the same squad. That would be fun! I will probably be placed on junior varsity with the younger girls, but honestly I could care less. As long as I am on the squad, I'm happy. I just love cheerleading. I'm really loud and peppy(you should see me in the morning. I'm a real morning person. My family HATES me) And the uniforms at my school are really cute. But, that's beside the point. Please pray for me my readers, because I want to be on the squad more than anything. Jessica thinks that all cheerleaders are stupid and I have to admit that I took it personally, because she's my big sister not mention a friend too.