Focused

My mindset is college, college,college, scholarships, scholarships, scholarships, job, job, job, and yeah, you get the idea. Right now, I've really been buckling down on raising my SAT scores and trying to finish up summer reading. School, UNFORTUNATELY starts on August 11th. It's senior year though,(oh my gosh!!) and it's going to be a breeze. I'm just so over highschool now. I'm ready for college and start big things. At this moment in time, I am trying to work on an essay for a 2,500 dollar scholarship. The question is simple:"What's unique about you? What makes you stand out in the crowd?"

Yeah... not so simple after all. I have no clue who I am for that matter. How on earth am I suppose to this question?

Ah. I need some fun. I got my license last weekend and I haven't been out with my friends since then. I've been with my cousins mainly for hours everyday working on SATs and scholarships and then hit the gym in the evening.

Sigh.

I obviously don't know how to balance, but my parents have been holding me down a tad bit as well. Oh well. I get to go shopping tomorrow, and I'm inviting my bestfriend.

What do you miss?

What do you miss right now?

I miss being a little girl, free, and endless dreaming. I fell asleep while watching Sailor Moon last night of youtube. And my bestfriend and I are hosting a princess tea party with tiaras and sophisticated finger foods. I really do miss being a kid. Gosh, I was so eager to become a teenager back then. It's funny. Being a teenager is probably the most challenging stages in life. But don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying myself. It's a lot of fun being with friends and trying new things to become what I want to be. I'm thankful.

I miss the beach. Oh so much. To feel the breeze dance through my hair and race into the icy cold ocean with my sisters. I adore summer.

I miss being so in touch with my spiritual life. I seemed to have drifted off. I'm trying to get everything that I felt before with one snatch, but I think I really need to kneel down and pray about it.

I miss fifteen.

There are alot of things and places that I miss.

Valentine Playlist Part One

If my heart stop pumping tomorrow don't feel no sorrow

Cuz life is hard mentally and everything is meant to be
Sometimes I ask myself If I was gone who will remember me?
It's hard to tell oh-well sit back and sip this Hennessey
Now lately it's been hard to tell my friends part from my enemies
Cuz plenty n**** show me love but in their hearts they envy me
Why? I'm just a n**** from around the way
Told my momma Ill make it happen and I found a way
Pour out some liquor for my n***** at the crossroads
May the Lord give guidance to the lost souls
I know that deep inside these n**** know it's more to life
Then mackin h*** and stacking doe
Man I'm sort of like a n**** who done seen greener grass
So when they think they ballin like The DreamTeam, my n**** I done seen meaner cash
And I'm trynna get it, follow me n**** I'm on a prowl
Headed to the top! You watching me n****?
Then Hold It Down


Hold it down, if you need to holla at me
Don’t hesitate to call it aint a problem I can be there I’d ride for you, lie for you
I know you’d do the same, I will die for u
So hold it down, when the times is hard, I’ll be around
So hold me down and it don’t matter how far I’ll be around
Yea, I'll hold you down


You were my n**** from the younger days, we grew up
I went to school you went the other way
but still my brother man
I'm sitting reminiscing on all of them b****** we were trippening over, kissing on
Or at the skating rink we trying to bag some new h***
And If I need it yea you let me hold ya new clothes and vice-a-versa man,
But now that life is worster man a n****slow caking
I'm broke trynna chase a dream, you just got probation and I'm stressed
Your little sister pregnant what’s next?
Oh s*** my momma doing drugs, at times it's hard to feel blessed
In this madness I holla at my n**** in the sadness
Remember when ya momma tried to beat you with that bat s***?
Remember your chick Nina man that ass was the fattest
remember my crush on Sabrina? yo, she still the baddest!
I'm just glad that I can holla at you, it's been a while
and to the next time I hear from you, ay, hold it down!


Hold it down, if you need to holla at me
Don’t hesitate to call it aint a problem I can be there I’d ride for you, lie for you
I know you’d do the same, I will die for u
So hold it down, when the times is hard, I’ll be around
So hold me down and it don’t matter how far I’ll be around
Yea, I'll hold you down


These are tough times baby but we’ll make it through
You know I'm headed for the top I swear i'm taking you
Just hold a n**** down through this bad weather
The rain falling aint balling but I have better
A women with an ass and a strong mind
It's been a long time, sometimes you on your bull****
Sometimes i'm on mine
Will I have a hard time to stay committed?
Or do I only want your voice moaning when I hit it?
Man only God knows I know deep in your heart you don’t want me to be no star though
Cuz groupies out there every show you scared Im f***** every h**
And girl I aint gon lie and say I wont cuz s*** you never know
but may the Lord give me strength
I love you more than anything
The future mother of my kids, the love is real and if we ever part God forbid
I love you still so when Im on the road don’t trip, you know im down for you
Keep it tight and don’t slip, and hold it down for me


Hold it down, if you need to holla at me
Don’t hesitate to call it aint a problem I can be there I’d ride for you, lie for you
I know you’d do the same, I will die for u
So hold it down, when the times is hard, I’ll be around
So hold me down and it don’t matter how far I’ll be around
Yea, I'll hold you down

-J. Cole

*Number 21 on the playlist on here.*

New Dreams

New dreams.

So fresh, eager, and ready to be pursued. I am totally in that mode right now.

I've been contemplating...

I think I'm going to publish my first letters to God, my favorite diary of all time.

Age fifteen was the best year of my life and I want to share it with the world. Of course, I'll change times, dates, and stories just a bit. And, I'll be anonymous. I don't want attention, since it's a diary. I just want people to read the desires of my heart with their own eyes. I want people to see how life can be transformed when you let God really enter into your life. Very often, I pray to God to bring people in my life that need to hear the truth. It's the most beautiful thing. I really think I'm going to do it. I'll rewrite everything. It's the perfect end of highschool project for me. Maybe my diary will start something in my life.

What do you think, darlings?

Oh, how pretty

Alice touched her heart. "I found Jesus. He's not in my closet nor in my morning tea, or Rylan's scrambled eggs. Jesus is in here. No more black hole."

Alice had forgotten everything-even God. Jesus was a stranger to her, and nights passed with prayers unspoken.Since her parent's death, everything abruptly drifted away. Depression was her only companion. Not only was her heart beseeching for shameless beauty, but her soul was yearning and thirsting for something. Someone who brought her smiles and merry dreams.

God.

Alice's life was empty. Nothing. She looked forward to nothing, her eyes were sent on nothing,and she dreamt of nothing. Her thoughts were swirls of darkness and black holes. Broken hearts and silent screams. There was a black hole in her heart. It was growing thicker and deeper as the days unraveled and vanished. No kiss, no rain drop could heal her. Alice's fairytale past was a beautiful nightmare full of laughter, stolen kisses, and joy rides.

"Don't lie to me, she stammered."Don't." Giovonnie's face crinkled with hurt. "Why would I lie to you, Alice?" And before the girl could retort, Giovonnie slowly curled his fingers into hers. His breath caught in his throat-scarcely breathing, he leaned in and kissed Alice with passion. Such passion, that each of the souls were caught in fire. But it was quick, and as the girl watched the boy walk away from her, she looked up into heaven and saw God's smile.

"Does it take a good man to falsely confess so things could just finally settle down?"

" They let sin tear away their hearts from goodness."

"Every human being is imperfect. Human beings are so imperfect, that often those imperfections lead to evil and sin. However, every human being has the desire to be good. Goodness is the brightest gem in the human heart."

"You're beautiful." he whispered,breathlessly. Alice felt her eyes shimmer with tears. He musn't lie to her-not like everyone else. So many lies and fairytales left scars and nightmares scattered on her skin.

"I'm Giovonnie Cosby, but I'm sure you've heard of me before-"

"Yeah, yeah Alice interrupted, impatiently waving him away. "You're a little on the cocky side, aren't you?" Giovonnie grinned."A little." Alice couldn't help but notice how fairly good looking he was. His eyes were the darkest shade of emeralds- dazzling. But Giovonnie's lopsided grin sent an unusual tingle in her heart.

"Who's God?" Alice inquired, quietly. Rylan turned to look at her and he wrapped his arms around her. shoulders. He pointed to the dancing stars that were scattered on the sky. "There." He said.

"You're chasing after her?" Alice said, appalled. Giovonnie turned, his hands jammed in his pockets with his lopsided grin written on his face."God made her, he stated,happily. She's beautiful, case closed." Alice frowned at him."Is that all you like about her?" She scoffed. Givonnie shrugged. "Yeah." He turned his back on Alice and started to chase the girl of his dreams... so it seems.

I was going through some old boxes and found some beautiful crumpled paper written with words of long ago.

"And then, out of nowhere, there was rain. It fell down heavenly, sweetly, and magically on her shoulders and all over her body.

Glittering like diamonds.

It was the first time Alice felt rain pour down on her shoulders."

All by me. Rose.

Hold onto me

Age fifteen was the best year of my life.

Dear God,

I just finished reading the letter I wrote to you several weeks ago. September 3. Just a few days before Camp Covecrest...

Before my life changed. For good.

Lord, since Camp Covecrest things are different now. Way different. Now that I have drawn closer to You and Jesus, my life is a pleasant surprise. I am so happy nowadays. So happy. God, I want to love you more. You fill my heart with such joy. You have given me so many blessings and gifts and I am so thankful, so grateful.

Thankyou, my love.
I want to say thankyou for the beautiful sunsets and for the stars at night. Simply put, I want to thankyou for nature and its beauty. Thankyou Lord for my family, my school, and for everything that is good in my life.
It's all You, God.
It's all You...
-September 28, 2008.
I don't feel happy today, my loves. I just feel so faraway and lonely. I want to hold God's hand.
That's all.

Emptiness

I think emptiness is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Life can be such a nightmare.

I wish peace on earth can truly be granted.

What do you think my loves? What causes emptiness?

You have all the things in the world, but the side of your bed is empty.

Lonliness.

You lost everything that you had and you're caught in a thunderstorm.

Hopelessness.

My mother thinks she's slightly depressed. My father is taking medication for depression.

I wish I can help them both.

Smile through the tears and get down on your knees.

All you need is God.

Give me the money... seriously.

I have to make a huge decision.
My parents pay twenty thousand dollars in total, for my sister and I to attend the school we are currently enrolled in. I've been in that school for three years and I love the learning environment so much. I've met incredible people and the rigorous work really shaped me up to work even harder for the grades I want. The school's fantastic and very Catholic family oriented. But of course, my parents are paying a lot of money and have restricted us from several vacations, shopping trips, and getting a nice car. My little sister also attends a private school, so as a whole my parents are paying over twenty thousand dollars. It's crazy. We really can't do much and we basically have to watch our money with hawk's eyes. My parents are tired of paying for it and really wants us to enroll into our local school so we can have a bit of fun. And of course, I would get a car which no doubt, is a very tempting offer. My grandma called me two days ago and told me that she's going to pay for half of my car anyway.
It's all up to me and my sisters.
Senior year and new school? I won't necessarily be a stranger, because I know a lot of the kids in my grade. I went to more than half of elementary and middle school with them.It wouldn't be terrible, but I'll miss uniforms though. And since it's senior year, the uniforms are different from everyone else with a bonus, soft, senior sweater. We also have the senior courtyard to chill and hangout, senior seats during church service, and all that good stuff. I can't stand waking up every morning and trying to figure out a new outfit. Even with uniform I take over an hour to get ready. I'm ridiculous. But I feel as if I would have more fun in my local school and be able to apply to more challenging courses. At the school that I am enrolled in, the teachers don't allow everyone to take ap and honors courses. It's stupid. We need ap courses to apply for colleges! The teachers think they know us best when in reality, they really don't. How can you know that I won't be able to handle college work? If I fail, isn't that my problem?
I don't know.
I sort of want to leave, but I don't won't to regret it.
I'll pray.
I've been applying and looking jobs. I think it's bad if you don't work and your in highschool. Not wise at all.
I hate money. I wish I can be like some of my classmates- Afford the school and have the money to do other things.
Unfair.

Wear your smile

That's me. Holding Domo backwards... hahaha.

I've been doing better. I had a fun 4th of July weekend. I failed my driver's test though, which I am very disappointed about it. I hit the cone when I was paraell parking. I was nearly in tears. I get to retake it tomorrow or sometime next week. My parents think tomorrow is too soon. My dad was a little angry that I didn't do well. I felt bad, and my instructor was actually very sweet. She had the prettiest blue eyes.

Rasul texted me and I didn't hesistate to ignore him. I've clearly moved on. And I saw Brody on Saturday. It wasn't planned at all. We both ended up at the same fourth of July festival on Saturday. I haven't seen him since December when I was cheering at our schools basktetball game so it was nice to see his face again. He looked really cute, tall, broad-shouldered and sporting stunning white shades. We just hung out for a bit and then departed each other to spend time with friends and family.Ever since Rasul and I broke up, I've been talking to a few more guys. Being single is so much fun. :)

There's this one guy I've met way long ago- back in the seventh grade. We were in the same homeroom and science class and he was incredibly adorable. We spoke quite a bit and then by the end of the year he moved away. Well one evening, I was flipping through some old yearbooks in spite of boredom, and his face popped up and surprised me. "Oh!" I exclaimed. "I remember him!" I recorded his name on a piece of paper and looked him up on facebook.

Found him. And we've been messaging back and forth and he's really sweet. He remembers me too. :) He lives in Louisiana and he says he misses Atlanta. He's planning on visiting and we're going around town together. He called me his Georgia girl.

The catch is that well.... his name is Ras.

...

Ras. Rasul. WAY too close. But, whatever. I'm not planning on dating Ras anyway. He doesn't even live in state.I wanted to draw attention to that, so that is why I kept saying, "he."

Hahaha.

Anyway, I'm off to drive around for job applications and work on college stuff.