Why, Hello

I can explain.
Really I can.
School is totally crazy. It's unbelievable. I already had an essay due and I have four tests next week. Four. I hate it, but education sets us free and leads us towards our dreams. I'm really working my butt off and with cheerleading and everything there is really no time to do anything. My homework is mad-crazy and I am overwhelmed. Yet, I'm kind of glad because I am occupied with something. Other than that, I miss blogging on a daily basis! :( Such a shame that I don't have alot of time on my hands anymore. On weekends, I have to do service hours for church and for school. I miss summer now. Sophomore year is difficult and the work is not fun. I love love love my school though. I don't dread waking up early in the morning. I enjoy my teachers alot as well. My religion teacher is such a sweet person. I like her alot. The classes I look forward to are spanish, religion, and english. Everything else bores the pants off me.

Especially geometry and world history. My goodness. I am a wreck in geometry, I am a wreck in math in general. I have dyscalculia, so learning math is very difficult for me. Anyway, this semester full of kinds of exciting events. I'm going to be confirmed in October. Homecoming is coming(haha) and football season is here! Yay. And the pure love club is not in session... yet. For some reason, something is holding me back. I am getting apprehensive and doubtful. I have to start praying about it again.

Ahh gosh what a boring post. I will post tomorrow. There is something I would like to share with you. Oh and thanks so much for those lovely comments! <3>

Whoops did I say that?

I hate saying the "wrong thing", and I do that all the time. My words would stumble out of my mouth and come out horribly wrong. I'm very sensitive to embarrassment. I don't like getting laughed at unless I'm laughing at myself. That is one of the reasons why people call me self conscious. I regret things easily and that's why I contemplate before I speak."Dang it, I should not of said that to her." Of course, we all slip out things because it's in our human nature. I guess I should just grit my teeth and move on. Sometimes my intentions come out all wrong. Someone ends up puzzled or offended, whereas in my mind it is different. This sort of thing frustrates me a bit. Ah the teenage life.



Anyway, today is my last day of summer. Thank God. My goodness, this summer was terrible. Not only did I just accomplish one goal, but I also went through a total disaster at the beginning and I was home most of the time. My fun began just last month with cheer. I've been out of school since the twenty-third of May. Tomorrow is orientation day, eight am till eleven am. School pictures will be taken, books will be purchased and homerooms will be assigned. I'm going to be a sophomore and I'm really excited. Although, I am going to miss freshman year. I love my school and I miss my classmates all too much. Starting this week, my updates will become less frequent. This school week is pretty short, so I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to update in the evenings. During the school year, it is difficult to me to update. The weekends are the best time. Please don't forget about me. I am so happy that I have readers now. Before July, I got ZERO comments day by day. This blog has changed tremendously thanks to you, my readers. :) And the funny thing is, I've kept this blog a secret from my friends and my family for five and half months. No one knows that I have this. I created this blog surreptitiously for various reasons.

Here I am. That's me. I really don't like taking pictures. :p ^^

Grandpa and Grandma

I met my grandpa Freddy at thirteen during my Ghana trip. It was a little overwhelming for me. Grandpa was so exhilarated. "Rose, it's me-grandpa!" He was has watched me grow up with the photographs my mom kept sending to him. The encounter was really nice. We bonded really well. The name, "grandpa" was foreign to me. I actually thought I didn't have a grandpa, that he had died years ago. My parents never mention him. I've always been close with my grandma Amma. She's really the only grandparent that I've connected with. She makes me so proud to be her granddaughter. My grandma is a very powerful women in her country. She has strength, intelligence, and beauty. Unfortunately, I never get to see my grandparents since they live so far away. I miss them both. I remember several weeks ago when my cousin Nicole was talking about how grandparents really care for their grandchildren. She talked about how their love is so golden and true and touching and can really make a huge impact on a child's life. Grandparents are wise, loving, and role models.

"Don't play with my emotions"

Don't play with my emotions.

Because I can feel those words you speak.

Your lies are the dark whispers that put me too sleep.

Your face haunts me in my dreams

whileMy heart twists with ecstasy.

Don't play me. Don't play with my emotions.

Because, I can feel every wound you give me,The pain is so real.

Don't test me, don't try me.

Breathless

Laughter.
Oh how I love to laugh. I've been told numerous times that I laugh consistently. Of course, my peers get pretty annoyed by my repetive "Hahahah's" but laughter makes me feel good. Until I get breathless of course then I need to stop. I laugh at the strangest things. However, alot of comedy movies do not make me laugh. Most of it to me, isn't very funny. I don't break a grin whenever someone trips or unintentionally hurt themselves. That to me is not funny. I think humor is a wonderful trait to have. I can't make people laugh. Not all the time, but I'm not very good at it if I try too hard. Laughter is medicine. Whenever I'm sad, my friends may try to crack me up by bringing up silly memories. Laugther makes us feel good and dries our tears. Yesterday, I got to see my friends Lexi and Mel whom I haven't seen since the last day of school (May 23) and they whole time we were shopping, we were laughing!

And here, by request of Triss Teh( http://www.trissteh.blogspot.com/) is another poem. I "dug" through my old computer documents and found this one that I had written. It's pretty old.
"No Beauty In This"
I look into mirror, with one glance
I cringe.
I take his hand; with one squeeze I’m sick.
I’m a living lie and they leave scars on my skin.
Those nightmares, those twisted dreams
I sink in deep.
Those words you speak, those lies they creep.
Making me shiver, oh shiver till I’m weak.
So, you leave my questions
Unanswered
And you took my dignity.
I hear you laugh, I hear you scream
All those emotions you robbed from
Me.
I can only see one thing…
I see no beauty in this.

CrushCrush

This is a cute little poem that I wrote for a guyfriend of mine about a year ago. Ahh I'm such a dork. I use to bake this kid cookies all the time. Anway, I really don't write poetry, but sometimes I just take a stab at it. Well, enjoy!

"Remember Me"

Just Remember when the sun shines,

God is NEAR.

Just Remember when those tears fall

I will comfort you.

Just remember that I care about you.

And when you see that special girl

In that old photo album of yours

Her eyes, her cheeks,

Her long curly

Hair

Black and white

Torn and crinkled

Just remember who she is.
When your life is tangled in a nightmare

And when those old wounds start to

Bleed,

Just Remember that someone else feels your pain.

Just remember that you are worth something

That your flaws are like a masterpiece

And your imperfections are beauty.

Don’t leave a black hole in my heart.

Don’t leave me in the dust.

Just remember me.

Blah sorry for the small print. :/

Yeah, yeah I had a crush on him when I wrote this. :)

Shy-Gain that self confidence

I have to admit that I can be shy. I can be unbelievably bashful with adults and with other teens, even with the ones who are a year older than me! What really causes shyness? The fact of not knowing anyone can be overwhelming. Or, your confidence level stinks. (which is probably my case) Sometimes, shyness is heredity. It can pass down the family line. I'm very shy in cheerleading (which is a bad thing because you have to be confident and outgoing, but I'm working on it) But, I'm not always shy. At my church, we have a youth group and we always have group discussions. The groups would be very large, and I'll get nervous fearing that I may answer the question wrong or if I don't have anything to say. My little sister Jenny, is the same way and my dad can shy. I've noticed whenever my dad is in a "awkward-shy" situation, he takes a stab at humor.

However, when it comes to my other little sister, Caroline and my mom they are very outgoing and comfortable in social situations. I do put a lot of effort in trying to gain "last minute confidence" whenever I am or about to enter a social activity. I got really frustrated in cheerleading, because I was too bashful to speak and I couldn't even look at my coach in the eye. Besides that, my backhand springs were not as good as they were last week and I feel like I disappointed my coach, Keith. I could feel my eyes watering and I felt ashamed- there's got to be a way to gain some confidence.

My other cheer coach, Trey noticed my lack of confidence immediately. Ah, so shameful. There's got to be a way for me to become more outgoing. With strangers, I get flustered. I have to get comfortable first. With my classmates(simply, the people I will see every day) I'm okay. What one of my readers on here noticed that I can be self consicious. Based on my writing on here, that was what she could see and point out. And, that fellow reader is correct. I can be self consicious about certain things. Even when I get up in class to sharpen a pencil or to throw something away, someone would watch and all sorts of crazy things fill my head. And I hate walking down long aisles. There is this big mall my sisters and I visit sometimes with our mom and in the food court area, there is a ridicoulsy long aisle where eyes will be turned on you. I gritted my teeth along the way and complained under breath.

I remember when school was in session that there was this game called, "Four square" and at some point I wanted to participate.WHEN Colleen and I were friends (hence the word "when." You can read the post "friendship" to get an idea on what happened between us) She would drag me over and I would always end up watching and not playing. Why? Because I feared of being abashed. If I don't stop this nonsense, I am going to miss out in alot of things in life.

Cheer quote of the day: "Next time someone tells you cheerleading is easy, tell them to do your routine and then get back to you." Author Tif Tif, USA

Jealousy

Jealousy is unhealthy. It plaques the mind and heart and robs you from good self esteem. It makes us expect our own flaws to be disastrous and ugly and makes us think it's something that we can't cover up. We've all had some innocent jealousy in our lives. However, mine was pretty intense. My friend Sarah is just the brightest gem in the jewelry box. She is a beautiful model with brains (serious brains) and she has this AMAZING singing voice. I wanted every single thing Sarah had. Thankfully, my insane jealousy didn't get the best of our friendship. I just kept my feelings to myself, but inside I was seething. Surprisingly, I envied Sarah for about four years. Fourth grade to eighth grade.Pretty ridiculous?

Well, I told her recently that she was smart and beautiful and that I use to envy her greatly. My friend couldn't believe such a thing. She laughed and said, "Really? What is there to be jealous about?" I've been jealous of others a few times after that, but they didn't last as long. I usually envy people with brains. The top students and the AP genius kids. I just feel that intelligence is so vital, that I push myself to make a's, then that stupid "b" in math would appear from nowhere. From what I've learned, you must look at your own gifts and cherish them. Offer them to other people and dance with joy saying, "Hey, I am great!"

Cheer quote of the day:"Cheerleaders are the leaders of the team. We provide confidence and pep talks with our cheers."

Parents

My parents are very hard workers. Honestly, they work too hard. Thanks to school tuition, we are suffering financially, and that puts a lot of stress on both of them. My dad basically has two jobs and my mom can only work part time because of me and my sisters. At times, I feel sad when my parents complain of headaches and lack of sleep. My sisters and I could go to our local schools, but we really like the school that we go to. I've met so many amazing people at my highschool and I love the Catholic environment. But, it would be a lot easier for my parents if my sisters and I attended our local schools. If gas prices keep climbing up, then that's the alternative. I just feel really sorry for my parents. It's not only the stress I feel terrible for, but their dreams. Both my mom and dad don't necessarily enjoy what they do on a weekly basis. My mom told me yesterday that she hated her job with a passion. How can you live with that?

She dreamed of becoming a trial lawyer.My mom had her degree and everything, and then she got married to dad then had me. My father wanted to be a doctor, but I don't know what happened along the way. I don't know what I would do if I weren't doing my dream job. I guess I have to push harder in school. So really, what are parents? Parents are the first educators in a child's life. They can push, nag, and help us succeed in life. We need parents. They provide us with shelter and comfort and truly as my mom had stated, "No one loves you more than your parents." God? What about God? Doesn't He loves us more than our own parents? I guess my mom was talking about "no one on earth loves us more than our parents."

These days, I find it difficult to get along with my parents, especially my mother. We quarrel alot, and we quarrel on just about anything. My little sister Jenny, (shes's ten) gets along with her best because "she's sweet and innocent," whereas Caroline (14) and I do not. I get along much better with my dad. Sometimes, if I have a problem, I would come to him. Sure, I tell my mom about my crushes and all that. Of course, I don't come to my dad for that kind of advice. He's a little overprotective. That's my problem, though. I don't come to my parents anymore. Not really. Almost not at all. I don't know why, but I just can't come to them for advice. I did that recently this summer and I ended getting scolded at and I was left in shame and tears. Communication is very very important, especially with parents. We're a family, we should be comfortable in doing so. Maybe I should start off slow and I will gradually get comfortable.

Cheer quote of the day: "Fly high, do or die, dare to dream, cheer extreme." Author Kara, WC, Ohio, USA

Lonely

When I was about fourteen years old, I went through a short, but sudden series of loneliness. To this day, I wonder how I turned out to feel this way. I felt like I was detached from the 'world of the other teenagers.'(aka my peers) I felt disconnected and different. Amongst them, I thought differently and to put it simply, I was just different. I just didn't think the way the average fourteen did. While my friends concentrated on romance, I concentrated on my writing. I tried to figure out how life truly worked and I would do random research on questions that I had. But, I honestly don't know how I captured this kind of emotion so quickly and unexpectedly. I had many people that surrounded me.We all get lonely at times. It's human, it's normal. What causes us to feel lonely? Why do we feel lonely when there's people everywhere who can care for you? I talked to my cousin, Nicole who I was very close with and as I was telling her this at the time, I burst into tears. For awhile, I thought maybe I was just imagining things and I just wasn't thinking straight. Nicole was very understanding and she didn't think I was going insane.

"You're right, she said, soothingly. You don't think like other fourteen year olds. It's okay. Talk to God about it." I did what my cousin told me to do and soon enough at fifteen I can't possibly see how I became incredibly lonely! It's so strange and it really make any sense to me. Maybe God was trying to tell me something. Maybe he was crying out my name, wanting me to come closer to Him. After all, He is the only one who can fulfil us with pure happiness. Sometimes I do talk to God about everything. I would lie down in bed and speak to Him about anything. I would offer Him my hopes, my fears, my tears, and happiness. At times I would whisper, "God? Are you there? Are you really listening?" Sometimes, I do question my faith. Again, that's normal. We all find ourselves doing that at some point in our lives. I know He's there. If only... if only... I could feel His presence by my side. I mean, I feel safe whenever I pray to Him. I feel safe and loved. But I actually want to feel God griping onto my hand and showing me the way. I'm feeling distant from Him. I want to get closer, and I don't know how.

Cheer tip of the day:" Make sure you get inshape for the season! Get your school spirit in gear and practice those smiles and cheers!"

The recipe to a warm heart

1 cup of hope

1 cup of faith

3 cups of love

1/2 cups of a Starbucks Frap

4 kisses

A jillion hugs

100 cups of chocolate

A dash of laughter

17 scoops of icecream

A date with your ipod

A night with Jesus<3

Mix it all together you've got a warm heart.

cheer quote of the day: " Cheer with all your mind, heart, soul, and strength."

To all the guys

20 ways for young men to become REAL Men.
( from OMSOUL brochecure www.omsoul.com)
1. Tell cool, funny jokes, not the kind that would make a pure women blush- or be offended.

2.Find saints that you relate to and ask them to pray for you as you imitate their virtues. Some awesome real men include St. Joesph, St. Augustine, St. Maximillian Kolbe, Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati, and St. Josemaria Escriva`

3. Keep your standards high; only date women who have the qualities you want in a future wife and mother of your children. Pray for your bride, that she will have the love and strength to save the gift of sexual intimacy for you, and pray that you'll have that strength too!

4. Read the Bible- be open to God's Word. Let it convict you to courageously do the hard and holy things.

5. Respect women, even those who don't respect themselves and may throw themselves at you. Don't take advantage of them but help them to know their true worth. These women have a hole in their heart that they are looking to fill-point them to the only One who can fill it, Jesus Christ.

6. Be a man of integrity. Do everything as if someone were watching, because God is watching. Prepare now to someday lead a family. Work hard to prepare yourself to provide for and protect them, not only financially and physically, but also spiritually, morally, and emotionally.

7. Be both strong and gentle. St. Francis de Sales said that "there is nothing so strong as gentleness and nothing so gentle as real strength." And wrap your brain around this quote by contemporary Catholic psychotherapist Phillip Mango: "What's a real man? He's not a bully or a wimp. He transcends his own ego, his own fears, his own selfishness, and sacrifices himself as a gift to those he's called to protect."

8. Say a prayer when you see a woman dressed immodestly(for the sake of the woman). Pope John Paul ll said, "'[God] has assigned as a duty to every man the dignity of every woman."

9. Say a prayer when you see a women dressed immodestly( for your purity's sake). Use this moment, when Satan wants to pull away from Jesus, to draw closer than ever to God.

10. Honor your mom and sisters. A smart woman knosw the way you treat your mother is the way you will someday treat her.

11. Find creative ways to express your (pure & chaste) feelings to the woman you like or are dating. Show her without using her and and that she is beautiful inside and out.

12. Find good male role models to emulate; get relationship advice from Godly men.

13. Be open to the priesthood.

14. Show gentlemanly respect to all women, not just the woman you're dating. What does it mean if you hold the door for your girlfriend but let it close in the face of the woman walking right behind her?

15. Trust in God's mercy. When you fail, go to confession. Receive strength from Christ truly present in the Eucharist. Blessed Pier Giorgia Frassati said, "With all the strength of soul I urge you young people to approach the Communion table as often as you can. Feed on this bread of angels whence you will draw all the energy you need to fight inner battles. Because true happiness, dear friends, does not consist in the pleasures of the world or in earthly things, but in peace of conscience, which we have only if we are pure in heart and mind."

16. Don't settle for counterfeits such as pornography or masturbation (in fact, avoid them like the plagues they are) if you want to someday enjoy the utterly amazing gift of sex as God intended.

17. Guard your senses from temptation, and be always ready to choose God's way no matter what the cost. The mind is a dangerous battlefield, so "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." (Phil. 4:8)

18. Recognize Mary as your Mother and say a prayer to consecrate your heart to her. Her prayers for you will be very powerful in helping you draw near to her Son.

19. Lay down your life in the little things; practice making small sacrifices by putting someone else's wants or needs before your own.

20. Make Jesus Christ your best friend and greatest role model. J.R.R Tolkien, in a letter to his son, wrote,"Out of the darkness of my life, so much frustrated, I put before you the one great thing to love on earth: the Blessed Sacrament... There you will find romance, glory, honor, fidelity, and the true way of all your loves upon earth... which every man's heart desire.
Hahah gosh, that took me forever to type. :p
<3
Btw, this is not my list. It's from OMsoul.com as I have stated above.

Friendship

Friendship.
Another beautiful gift.
But I keep losing it.
And I don't know why.
During my entire freshmen year, I lost three friendships. Three. That is too many "missed" calls, forgotten laughter, and lost words. The first one ended harshly. My guyfriend, Houston had a crush on me and he wanted to ask me to the Homecoming dance but, he heard from somewhere(the school is way too small. you have to keep your mouth shut) that I didn't feel the same way and he gave up on asking me. Soon enough, Houston started to act like a jerk to me and my friend Chelsea. He taunted me about my hair(He was asking me if my hair was real etc) and asked Chelsea personal questions on why she didn't wear makeup and how much she weighed. Honestly, this guy was just an idiot and he obviously didn't know how to talk to girls. I'm not angry at him still- I don't hold grudges but whenever I think about it, I scoff and shake my head. Houston and I stopped talking. We hadn't talked for several several months and then spotaneoulsy, he greeted me in the hallway and I replied back with a smile.

The second time was also a very good guyfriend of mine. His name was Matt and I asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. After that very awkward "I- don't- know- what- I'm- doing" date, we started to have a crush on each other, but we were still very good friends. Matt was pressured by his friends to ask me out and everything but somehow (once again) someone told him that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. His best friend, Joe keep making visits to my locker and gave me orders to call him, etc. Matt gave up on me, stopped talking, and went onto my friends. Great. That was very painful to me because, he couldn't even stand being in the same room with me. Whenever I enter a room or a group he was in, he detaches himself away from the group or he would instantly leave the room. I just began to ignore it. We talked very little in school, and on facebook he just ignores me. Joe wants us to be a couple, and randomly one afternoon, he texted me and asked me a bunch of questions about my feelings towards Matt.

My sister predicted the reason why he couldn't speak up. She said the reason was that I probably reminded him of his ex. (who dumped him for no reason after two weeks in the eighth grade). No way. It's sad to me because I remember vividly how we first met and whenever I think about it, I can't help but beam. It was a cute little meeting and in a way, our first greeting was sweet. I miss talking to him. I want Matt as friend, not as a boyfriend.

Last was Colleen. She was my first friend in highschool. We met at the math summer camp that our mothers forced us to go to. We hit off right away, and according to my diary, we talked everyday. We were becoming best friends. We talked alot and we spent sometime with each other over the weekends. We would talk on the phone for hours and hours all weekend long and email each other at school. We were extremely close. But, there were several things going wrong. Colleen lies. No, not white lies. These lies were unrealistic and a cry for attention. She told everybody, that her so called boyfriend, tried to get her pregnant. She tried starving herself for attention and she would make up these crazy stories about nothing! Colleen secretly wanted attention. She wanted people to like her and admire her, so she lied. And, she would lie to me consistently, one lie after the other. Come to think of it, I recall Chelsea warning me about her. "You can be friends with her, Rose she said, in a warning tone.But be careful. Don't tell her anything."

She even spilled a secret out(it was minor but I told her to keep quiet about it) after two hours of telling her specifically, not to tell. Quietly, I lost trust and gave my friend another chance. Colleen would gossip, and gossip about my friends. At one point she even used Mel so she can get an invite to Lexi's party, just because Lexi is wealthy. During this summer, Colleen stayed for the weekend. She lied, gossip, etc and that when when I had enough.I called Colleen and I told her I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. I explained to her why, and she busted into tears. She didn't deny any of it. We hung up after twenty minutes and she started beseeching me with text messages. She told me that I was her best friend. Truthfully, I was her best and only friend.

But how can I be friends with someone who isn't true? I felt terrible, because I hurt someone and I don't like hurting people.Tears trickled down my face after we hung up. It had to be done. Colleen sent me an email and once again, talked crudely about my friend Ali(this wasn't the first time) on how she wasn't a true friend. I just sat there and I didn't even bother to reply. When will this girl learn her lesson? The next day, the girl sends another and apologizes on her bad behavior because she had a terrible day or something like that. I didn't buy it. Honestly, I'm done. I don't even want to talk to her.

So, there you have it. Did you notice anything about the three stories? They have ONE thing in common.
Lack of confrontation.
With Houston I just got defensive and boorish whenever he made a mean remark. I didn't pull him aside and told him how I really felt. Matt and I didn't even talk about any of it once. Where has our friendship gone to, Matt? And with Colleen, I only confronted her once. As much as I tell my friends to confront with their boyfriends, I can't even take my own advice when it comes to frienshship. I don't why, but I'm obviously an idiot. Please don't make the same mistakes I did. We need friendship. We need friends for comfort and for just about anything else. Most importantly, we need true friends. Friendship is very very fragile. When it demolishes into pieces, sure can paste together again but like the pieces of a broken vase, it won't be the same. My mother has always told me that in life, I need at least one good friend. Especially when I become an adult. I do have alot of friends who are true to me, and I'm not letting go.

cheer quote of the day- "Cheerleading is all about the smiling and the confidence."