You don't need a mistletoe

You don't need a significant other to enjoy Christmas.
All you need is your family and your church- to celebrate the birthday of Christ together. This year, I don't want Santa to bring me Troy.
Who is Troy?
Many of you should remember Troy from last Christmas time. Enter the name,"Troy" on here and read the December post. In ten days, he would be missing for one year.
And counting?
This year, I want Santa to bring me my dreams. Every single one of them. God has got that covered though. :) Time will tell. So, I guess this Christmas season I really don't know what I want this season. I'm excited for the new year as well. I have so many plans for 2010. 2009 was not a great year for me at all. I learned some pretty harsh lessons that I will discuss on here in due time.
I have learned so many things. Many of them in a painful way.
Especially love. Seriously, forget that. My mom always tells me that I should focus on making something out of myself and then focus on love when I have my career going and everything. I can honestly see myself being single for a long time. I just don't care about being a relationship. I don't need it. They always hurt me and the disappointment is just not worth it. I want my dreams. All of them.
All at once.
That's all I want.

Christmas Joy

I am feeling so happy.
It's incredible.
My first photoshoot went extremely well today. I'm going to be one of Rasul's models for his business AND he's sending my photos to his father's modeling agency in New York. I couldn't believe it. He told me that I have the potential to be a model and he wants me to try it. My goodness, me? Rose Valentine? Modeling in New York? 2010 is going to be so amazing! I cannot wait to see the pictures. Rasul is posting them on facebook tomorrow evening. He's so sweet and gosh, what a beautiful talent he has.
I love my daddy. He spoils me. :) He's going to throw me a big bash for my seventeenth birthday(Febuary), and he's signing me up for tumbling lessons. Finally, I can go onto competition cheerleading.
And finally the license in January(finally... dear Lord) and a car later.
Oh, and did I mention that I making my blog into a book? :)
It's quite possible. I'm picking fifty posts and I'm going to send them in into a writing company.
Help me choose?
Man. I love Christmas time.
Justin Beiber lives ten minutes away from me. Yes... he does. And, he applied to the private school that I go to, but he's obviously not planning to attend anymore. SO. WEIRD. I'm really not a fan of him. Ha.
By the way, I saw Brody last night. ( Broke up a month ago, haven't seen each other in two.)He wasn't happy to see me. I greeted him with a cheerful hello and he didn't smile back or speak. He just gave me a quick wave. Our basketball teams were playing against each other. I was cheering and he was playing. His team won. Brody's school is filthy rich and gorgeous and famous people's kids have gone to that school. I honestly did not want to be there last night. I was so distracted, because we were so close. I cheered my absolute worst. My coach yelled at me.
But you know...who cares? Just a boy, honestly.
I have a lot to look forward to, and I praise God for that. I really, really, wish I could of gone to that gig tonight with Mel. Oh well. Lonely Saturday nights are about to change when those car keys start shakin' in my pocket. :)

Christmas Wish

"When you look out the window, what do you see?"

Pain.

"No, no... what do you see? The lovely trees, the birds... the snow looks mighty fine today."

I see pain.

The therapist was getting very impatient. Getting a grip on his clipboard, he pursed his lips and looked at his patient with flaring eyes. The doctor didn't have time for silly games.

"Okay... fine. Show me."

The boy turned and looked at him with watery eyes. Slowly but surely, the teenaged boy unrolled his sleeves and revealed fresh cuts and scares that were decorated all over his wrists. The cuts and scars were shaped like hearts, each hurt had a lighting bolt shaped going down the middle. The therapist was getting very apprehensive. " Uh, have you anymore? he asked, in a strained voice. The teenaged boy shook his head. He got up from the sofa and walked towards the window they were looking at just moments ago.

"Whenever I look outside, I see broken hearts everywhere I go. I can't stand it. I can't stand seeing pain- I just want to feel it myself so that person doesn't have to feel pain at all. I want to take that pain away. You see that yellow house down the street- you know, the one with the red car? There's a couple in there who just lost their only daughter in a car wreck. Their daughter was being beaten by her bestfriend and they crashed into a brick wall. And you know the house next to that house? The brown one, on your left-well, there's a guy who lives there and he's really lonely. He cheated on his wife-he had been for over two years. He tried to shoot himself when his wife found out, but the wife took the gun from his hand and shot herself. Sometimes I go over there to help him weed his garden or whatever. He's invited me a couple times for dinner and he helps me with my trig homework. It's painful to be lonely-don't you think?

The teenaged boy took a deep, shuddering breath. He didn't dare look at the therapist who was his blank stare. The boy could feel the stare piercing his back. "Go on." the therapist spoke quietly. The boy nodded, still gazing out into the window. "Well, you know that house across from me? The really big white one? Looks like a castle, doesn't it? A girl lives there- a really beautiful girl. The boy began to shook. Tears were trailing down his cheeks. The therapist still hung back. She's so pretty that whenever I get mad at her, I can't yell at her. She's just like my mom and that's why I love her. I gave her everything, mister.Everything any girl could dream of. You see, my parents are very rich so I showered that girl with gifts from Tiffany to Ralph Lauren. I took her to Paris for her birthday and kissed her under fireworks. I gave her everything-even my body. My body which she used, tore apart, and took. She never really wanted to love me. She just wanted to know what "it" felt like so she could brag to her friends that she is no longer a virgin.

"Was that all you liked, her prettiness?"

The boy was stung by this. He tossed the therapist a very nasty look and turned to the window. "No, he repiled, shortly. I loved everything about her. He looked up at the man with tear filled eyes. "You see my Christmas tree over there? It's pretty isn't it?" The therapist turned around and noticed the tree. The Christmas tree was breath takenly gorgeous-the lights were blinding, and the ornaments bore such heavenly glow, that the man- for a split moment thought the ornaments were diamonds. He squinted and craned his neck to take a better look at the ornaments. He was stunned. The boy noticed the therapist's reaction. "It's nice isn't? He whispered, making his way to the trees. He picked up a diamond that was hanging loosely from the leaves and pocketed it. "I add a new diamond everyday, just for her. This tree is for her."

The therapist had much difficulty feeling comfortable. He desperately wanted to leave and just prescribe the boy depression pills. But something deep inside his heart was nagging him-telling him to wait just a little bit longer. Maybe he will hear something. The therapist watched the boy play with the diamond.

"What's the girl's name?"

"Pain, the boy replied,immediately. "Broken. Like the world, you see? You see out there, mister? You see all that pain I was pointing out to you earlier?" The therapist frowned. "Yes, but-"

"No. Let me finish." The boy resorted back to the window. His tear dried face was now flushed with profound anger. His hands were clenched into fists. I just can't take this anymore. I just want everyone to be happy. That's all I want. Someone's heart breaks every forty-five seconds. I want to stop that."

The therapist dared to laugh. "What?! He snarled. That is not possible, for the world to be happy! Get it out of your head, boy."

"No, I can't get it out of my head. I want to. I really, really, do. But my heart loves so much that it explodes. All I want for Christmas are mended hearts. For everyone... even you." The boy turned to face him. His expression blank. "I see you, mister. In my sleep. I see how much you're suffering." The therapist was turning pink with embarrassment. "Shut up. Just shut right now, boy." He shook his finger at him with fury. "You are crazy, insane. I ought to send you to the asylum." The boy advanced on him. They were now face-to-face.

"Then go ahead- take me. the boychallenged, harshly. I'm sure I'll see more broken hearts I ought to fix. That's what I'm doing for Christmas, mister. I'm going to mend every broken heart in the world."

Even my own.

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed my Christmas tale. I personally don't like it.. I had some really lovely ideas and they all got lost in my studies and in my sleep. Lol. Look at the story closely. Guess the moral. I want to know how you feel.

Glowing Angels

Look at this gorgeous girl, my loves. She's glowing.

She's literally glowing.

Whenever I see people smile or laugh, I immediately spot a "heavenly glow" on their face. I think smiling looks very pretty on everyone. After all, as God's children we are also his angels. I have a lot of angels in my life and they're all just gorgeous and wonderful. When I picture an angel, I see white wings, flawless faces, and glitter. What do you see,my loves? I see an angel in every single person and despite sins and wrongdoings, we are all humans with goodness in our hearts. Even in the most grimmest of faces, there's charm in there somewhere. Look into the mirror, my readers and smile. I adore the bright faces of laughing children and babies. Don't those cute little things just glow? Oh how I adore the sound of a child's laughter. That's what my mother likes as well- the sound of laughter.

Laughter.

I laugh a lot-naturally. Despite my difficulties I still manage to laugh. My mother really isn't well, and I'm trying to not to worry myself sick. Instead, I pray and pray and pray and allow my friends to make me feel happy and smile. I DO hope my mother gets better soon. She gave me such a terrible fright the another night.

I'm feeling quite alright. I think it's because I have some things to look forward to this coming weekend. Isn't it nice to have things to look forward to?

A friend of mine lifted up my hopes today. I am so excited for the adventures my friend and I are going to have with all-star cheerleading-trying to get in at least. Ha. I'm beginning to focus more and more on my dreams each and everyday. I want become lawyer and a psychologist Rodeo Drive motivates me the most.

Evil-ex nun lady made me smile today. She told me that inspire her.

My friend Valerie asked me if I wanted to become a nun at cheerleading practice yesterday. At first, I responded with a somewhat resentful tone, because I've been asked that many times. But Valerie's question was innocent, so I soon began to laugh.

Ialso have my very first photoshoot on Sunday. I'm thinking of becoming a model for the American Cheerleader magazine.(Each and everyday, I'm getting inspired and motivated to do different things and reach for my dreams. I am beginning to focus more on Christ and my dreams.) My photographer/model is called, Rasul- the hot guy from downtown. He's actually my friend's ex and he had sent me a friend request on facebook over the summer. Have I mentioned that he has the most beautiful skin complexion I have ever seen? Rasul's skin reminds me of caramel- He's positively glowing! And his smile, wow!! I look at people's smiles. I think smiles are very pretty on our faces. :)

I hear Christmas Carols, don't you?

I will never understand these terrible feelings

Brody used me?
What?
And he has new girlfriend already.
Vomit. I'm trying to hold back tears as I'm writing to you.
My mom got a kidney stone and she's suffering from depression.
My cheerleading coach threatened to bench me, because I fail to remember most of the cheers. (I'm a slow learner when it comes to learning dance rountines, cheer motions, etc. All it takes is patience with me and repetition.)
My grades are slipping as the work becomes harder.
I feel like I'm losing my connection with Christ. At night before I lay down to rest, my prayers are rushed.
In general...
I hate my life.
Loathe it.
Despise it.
And oh, I honestly think that relationships, dating, and love all together is the worst thing any human can experience.
Why?
Because, we are always breaking each other apart. Too many feelings get involved and people get hurt all the time. I don't care if that's part of the process, I highly doubt God wanted human love to turn out that way. Love sucks. I'm not taking anymore chances. I don't even care if I don't meet another guy for the rest of highschool. I'm always getting hurt and disappointed.

Don't you ever give up,young pretty things

Don't you ever give up, you hear me?

I mean it.

All of your lives are as precious as anyone else's. Boys and girls, you are just too darn beautiful to throw anything away. God made you. You are most definitely worth it.

Don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

You all deserve the best. All of your dreams will come true if you work hard and efficiently. Everyone deserves to be happy, to feel safe, and to be kissed. Seriously my loves, treat yourselves well. Watch a sunset. Dance in the rain and stay out all night.

Don't you ever give up, you hear me?

Chase after the things that you want. Chase after your heart's desires. And never, ever, forget about Jesus.

Don't ever give up, you young pretty thing. Everyday I'm trying to work hard in everything I do. This year, a lot of things have blown up in my face. I have to realize that the people who want to crush me are coming faster and faster. I have to fight for what I want. From college acceptances to even the cheerleading squad. Competition lurks everywhere. Must I give up?

No. Don't let competition sway you. Embrace it. Love it. Hug it.

Chances are, whatever happens, you have will make it to where you want to stand.

But-but there is one thing I have given up on. For me.

Wow, Rose Valentine way to contradict your own post.

I know, but I just want to be honest with you, my loves.

As of this day, I have officially given up on love. I'm always left disappointed and quite frankly, I just don't care. Nothing ever works out. I don't want to date, get in a relationship, or anything. Yes, I would like a prom date but a gentlemen would never ask me. I always get hit on by the "gangsters" from different schools, ha. Random guys from mutual friends would add me, talk to me, but wouldn't ever bother to make "proper "conversation. I never get asked to anything. All of the guys ask my really gorgeous friends at school.

All I need is Jesus. My faith. My church. My youthgroup, friends, and cheerleading.

Don't you ever give up, young pretty things. On anything. You all will get that love you deserve and the dreams that you dream of,

Life disappoints... over and over.

I'm sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I've been saying that a lot lately. Perhaps more than I should be.
My life for the past week has been a living... hell? It's official, I'm a mess and I can't work with people. Because of a careless mistake, Brody and I are through.
Done. Six months, it's over. It would of been seven, tomorrow-his birthday. Brody wants a break, but the definition of a break is a 'break-up.' So, to me our relationship is over. I'm moving on. Brody's blaming me with his finger pointed and his ego at it's highest level. Whatever. I've wasted my time. I have never given a guy so many chances. He just pulls out the victim card and acts like he's the only one scorned.
I would explain, but honestly I've explained a thousand times. Let's just say it involved my sister Caroline, and facebook.
Stupid mini feed. Go die.
I will tell you later, loves. Or now. I should just say it.
Okay. So tell me why this facebook status,"Rose Valentine hopes to find a guy that would FINALLY give her the respect she deserves.." and a facebook comment,"KICK HIM TO THE CURB. Kick his sorry butt to curb," is a cause of a blow-up? Yes, exactly. This is why Brody is livid with me. Yes, it was wrong for me to post something like that as a status and not expect him to be upset, but instead of ignoring me and then blowing up, why couldn't he just ask what was up? Brody is so egotistical. It was ONE status, ONE comment. Yes, it's not fair for him because he wasn't told what he did wrong, but it's not like Caroline and I were trying to hurt him on purpose. We just expressed our feelings online. That's all. One time.
ONE.
I was sick of Brody bailing and bailing and not making the effort. Nor caring. Over and over. It was a disgusting cycle. Not to mention that a huge lie he told around Homecoming season that he never admitted too. Instead, Brody pointed his finger at me and called me a "stalker." I mean, there IS proof, that he lied. It's online. On his OWN facebook. Halloween night was the final straw.
Brody told me that he "legit hates my sister" and that I was mad for no reason, can't make my own decisions, I need to stop assuming things, etc.
Alright then, jerk.
I apologized several times. And I am sorry. I felt so terrible that he was pissed at me. I felt so terrible for making the status. I even apologized for Caroline. I felt so terrible that I deleted the status and the comment. Honestly, I've had enough of Brody's baby crap. Yeah, go ahead and pull out the victim card. You're not only hurt here, Brody Mingram. Instead of assuming that I was making up stories, how about you ask me why I was mad?
Throughout the whole six months, I have never felt so disrespected in my life. Brody thinks he's never wrong. I can't stand up for myself when I'm with him. I just can't. When conflicts arise,(which occurred much too often with us) he just wants to quarrel and quarrel. Brody has never apologized to me. Never. He thinks he's the hottest and brightest guy in the world. He's got a Kanye West ego. Legit.
I deserve better. It's amazing it took six months for me to realize that. My friends were disappointed that I couldn't just end things with Brody. All of them including my mother, don't think very highly of him. Especially Caroline and Evan. I don't know why I couldn't break things off with Brody. I mean, I've had before.
For a day.
"Men often disappoint." A quote from my mom. She told me that one of her male co-workers had said that to her. I was honestly near tears that night when she said this to me. I'm beginning to believe the quote, because I'm seeing it with my own eyes.I don't know how many times I've bumped into jerk after creeper, after jerk, after creeper... I am just so sick of having my girls getting trampled by a bunch of losers. I am so sick of it. Everyone is hurting.
This past week, I've had every kind of problem. School, cheer, relationships, family... gosh. I have never cried so much in one week. When Friday finally rolled along, I was feeling very down. My friends kept pointing it out that I was zoning out and looking very depressed through out the day. I had embarrassed myself in front of my history with a terribly messy project, and had let my group down. My bad feelings escalated when I failed my chemistry test that I studied really hard for. By lunch it was mid afternoon and I almost cried at lunch. My friends noticed by depressed spirits, but I couldn't get out of it.When I was speaking up in evil ex-nun's lady's class, I was on the verge of tears. We were discussing, "The Crucible" and I get incredibly nervous when I speak up in her class. So, as I was explaining the significance of a person's name, I somewhat stumbled on my words and my eyes began to water very quickly. The evil- ex nun lady knew I was upset about something, but she looked up at me with a smile. The highlight of my day- evil ex-nun lady likes for me to look into my heart.

At the end of the day, things got worse. I was peer pressured to go watch some of my friends drink themselves to death at a park before the football game. My friends and I ended not being able to find the park and I was glad. I wasn't going to drink and I didn't want to watch my friends get drunk. I was upset when I found out that Savanna had gotten drunk and rode in the car with a drunk driver. Savanna, one of my best friends- a sister. She wanted me, Lia, and Evan to be there so she wouldn't be tempted to drink.

This whole "drinking party at a sketch park", made me very angry and I was not afraid to show it. Evan just wanted to go because her crush, Jesse would be there. She didn't want to go alone. I honestly didn't care about Jesse. I was more concerned about our safety and our reps.First of all, the boys who were involved went and bought the beer from some sketch guy, while wearing our school's logo on themselves. When you look at our logo, you would be able to tell that we are Christians. We're a well-known Catholic school, so if they guy turned out to be a cop... imagine. Our school tries to shelter us so badly, but they fail each time. They forget that we're teenagers just like every other kid in the local schools. If the find out about the drinking party or parties(apparently kids do this every Friday at the same park) the whole school would be in total uproar. Besides that, they would be in such trouble for underage drinking. The boys bought forty-eight beers. Way to go, boys. I was so very happy that Lia got lost and we couldn't find the park. I only agreed to go, so I could watch out for Savanna because she wanted us to be there with her. Me, Lia, and Evan went out for dinner instead. We arrive back at school in time for the game and Savanna, the boys, and a couple of sophomores arrive at the game, drunk.
Have you noticed that a lot of songs are about alcohol overdose?
"Blame It" by Jamie Foxx, "Shots" by Lmfao, Tik Tok by Keisha... etc.
I fail to see the "joy" of getting wasted. No thanks, I'll take a coke.
I do listen to these songs though. I admit it. Not because I agree with them, it's just that they have hot dance beats. I ignore the lyrics.
Anyway...
I just hope my life gets better, because I am just so sick of the drama and problems I'm having.
This is not the whole story, by the way.
Honestly, I can't take it.
I hate my life.
I have some things to look forward to.
Let's put life in the sunlight shall we?
:)
I have a photoshoot coming up around the twentieth. I am so excited. And I'm so excited to meet the photographer. His name is Rasul and he is HOT. His smile would just melt you. I actually haven't met him before. He's my friend's ex boyfriend and he randomly added me on facebook over the summer. He's really sweet. Rasul a senior that goes to school in downtown.It's a pretty wicked school. That's where you will find a lot of the photographers and musicians. It's nice. Nice variety. Also, the first basketball game is on Thursday. I'm really happy about that. I am estatic to make signs and hand out candy to the basketball players. Each cheerleader is assigned to one player. I already have one player in mind that I would like to make signs for. Next month, basketball season may get a little crazy. We get to play against Brody's school. Our schools are not rivals, but Brody's team play like the NBA and they always have college reps appearing at their games.
Let's just hope that when Brody sees my face- beaming and cheering, he might just get a teeny bit flustered and miss the hoop. "Opps, I made a mistake."