Forgiveness

I thought I would forever be buried into the arms of ferocity.

It felt good, being buried down there, but those harsh feelings took so much energy. I was feeling weak-hearted and out of breath.

Anger is such a dominating and terrible emotion.Do not let it consume you.

Last week on a Wednesday, I received an expecting phonecall from Rasul.

When I picked up the phone, I suddenly had a change of heart.Forgiveness and I became buddies that night.

It felt so wonderful.

I don't want to go into much detail, because I am sure you all are much tired of hearing about my fail of my love life. Rasul said a lot. He said he's been trying to change through prayer and fasting since Ramadan. Our phone meeting was sad, actually. Of course my mind went on a whim- I was feeling troubled, but I knew he was being sincere. Rasul wants to start over. He said he can't love another girl and he doesn't want to feel for another."We were so perfect, Rose. Everything was amazing. Matt was just jealous,that's why he told you that stuff. I miss you, I miss you so much-I really do. I hate it when people ask me what happened to us.I wish we together again, but I know that's not going to happen. I can't look at a girl and not think of you, Rose Valentine. I know I'm a habitual liar and I'm trying to be more honest with my friends and family. I'm working on it. Since it's Ramadan,I've been praying and fasting and I feel more righteous everyday.If I can't have a relationship with you, I want your friendship. Yeah, friends is good with me, I'll take it."

My feelings have taken a dramatic twist this past summer. You all know that already.

Rasul's aware that were are on different levels, but a part of me still has a soft spot for him. Not romantically, but emotionally. We've finally had closure. I'm feeling hurt though. My anger was a hard shield, covering up my wounds, but now they broke out afresh. Time.

I know love won't come my way soon as I would like for it to arrive. But that's alright, I'm just going to have to deal. I'm not sure if I'm even worthy of love. I always end up with the wrong guy and thoroughly crushed. It's a stupid and very distracting cycle. How am I so entangled in these webs?But guess, what my dear? I'm happy.

I know my tears are signs of healing.

Happy

So....

I'm enjoying my senior year. Everything is going on very well and I'm excited for the future.The SAT class that I'm taking is helping me tremendously and I am certain I will do better when the test rolls around in October. Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling a bit stressed, but it's a happy stressed. I love being occupied. I'm still in awaiting phone calls for jobs and I'm starting my college application process. But, it's alright. That's life and senior year all in one. I am most definitely not going on a blog hiatus. It won't for me. I would crack almost immediately. Pray me, if you will, because I sometimes let stress get the best of me. I'm studying like crazy.I'm days ahead in most of my classes, and I'm planning to keep it that way. I have a life too,you know. I'm still driving out and hanging out with my girls. I had a photoshoot with my friend Alexis last weekend,but it's postponed to this weekend. My grandma sent me a great amount of money for clothes, so I've been shopping for my shoot. The shoot is not "official"or anything, but it's enough to add to my portfolio that I'm planning to create. I really do want to model, so very badly. This would be my third shoot. The last shoot I did was back in May by a photographer in Atlanta.

Life's lovely.

Psychology

What do you hope to get out of this course?

My response: To figure how and why people act the way they do... to finally figure people out.

The real thing:

-WHY people lie

-WHY we hurt so bad

-WHY can't we make life as simple as a Disney fairytale

-Why and how do we feel so disconnected

-WHY and how we feel confused

-WHY we can't rip out bad feelings from our hearts

-WHY are some things easier for others, but so difficult for some

-WHY it's hard to fall asleep when are mind is not at ease

-WHY happy feelings can go ZAP!in seconds...

-WHY do we feel so jealous

-WHY we feel like life's a race...

-Why do we focus so much on beauty

-WHY and how we become so mean

-WHY and how we hurt ourselves- how we become our worst enemy.

What I learned this summer

Love blows, period. According to a few of my friends, I never seem to choose the right guy. It's true. And because of that, I am legitimately afraid to give any guy a chance, fearing they will turn out rotten like the rest. I know what I want but everything always ends up in hurt. I get blinded I guess. My mind gets caught up in silly, stupid, Disney fairytale crap and I ended getting more hurt then I should be feeling. I brush off the little bad things and just see fantasy and not reality. I don't know why on earth I does this. Can you anyone explain this to me?SERIOUSLY, PLEASE.Blame it on the guys? Nah, blame it on me, Rose. I don't even know what I have to offer to any guy, anyway. Seriously, if someone were to tell me to make a list of what I have to offer to someone, my paper will be blank. I don't know what I've got.I guess my standards are unrealistic or maybe it's the emotional absence of a father.My dad and I barely have a relationship. Don't get me wrong, he's a great daddy and despite the infidelity and drama, I still love him because he cares about me. We just don't connect and talk. We went out to lunch one weekend and we were both glued on our blackberrys throughout the whole time. Even the waiter pointed that out.I hate this stupid stuff, I quit. Whatever. It's senior year, screw it and forget it. College is far more important anyway and my mind's on point with that for sure. It's better being friends than lovers, because in general, people stay longer in friendships. Love just makes everything messy and someone gets hurt and all this crap that no one deserves. It makes me angry, because love shouldn't be this difficult! It's not created to hurt us...right?

I know in relationships, everything is not great and dandy all the time. They take work, but why do our hearts have to suffer so much?! Most of you readers on here are fully aware of what happened between Rasul and I, and how much crap and drama he brought into my life. Just to let you know, I refrained to give you readers the rest of the details, because I am still trying to move on from the anger. I don't understand what's happening to me. I pray and pray and pray, but honestly my darlings the boy makes it so difficult for me to forgive him. He kept doing these childish things that were driving me insane. I have never had someone hurt me so bad that has taken such an effect on me. My feelings have taken a dramatic twist. I honestly do not like him at all. In fact,I almost hate him. I really don't want to feel this way, darlings and I'm trying to stop it.And yes, to make it quite clear I am aware that people are not perfect and I don't expect boys in relationships to be a perfect boyfriend. I think some people on here judge me as if they truly know me, saying I'm "obsessed with boys" or "obsessed with the male gender", etc. Yes, I am a boy crazy seventeen year old girl, but I have goals and dreams that I actually do work on. I'm not obsessed with guys and my focus isn't solely on guys. I just like boys, big deal lol. I hope I don't sound rude or too blunt or anything. I just wanted to point that out there, because those comments aren't who I am.

I can... If Only I Will

I can respect myself.

I can believe in my dreams.

I can hope in my future.

I can learn to love.

I can withstand peer pressure.

I can be loved for who I am.

I can protect my body through wise choices.

I can treasure the beauty of being alive.

I can develop healthy relationships.

I can honor all people.

I can honor myself by my choices of self control.

I can invest in my marriage by saving myself now.

I can experience joy.

-www.lifecyclebooks.com