Numb

Happy Belated Easter girls. :) Christ will come again. You'll see.

I'm okay now.

I am not mad at God anymore. I apologized to Him.

He doesn't deserve the blame.

It was my impatience... me hurting myself.

I'm still trying to wait and search for my fairytale moment. I don't know how to put myself out there. I've been told to do this an ample amount of times. And yet, I have no solution. Maybe I'm too engrossed with my school work and cheerleading. I can't say that I don't care because ,I do care. I'm just feeling numb about finding love. A weak/strong part of me just shrugs and says, "Whatever." I know one of my friends Ty, is doing a bit of searching for me."We need to hook you up with someone, Rose." she said to me a while ago. Sasha nodded. "Yeah, so you can totally forget about Chris Angel." I gave my girls a tiny smile in response. I offered Ty a list of the characteristics I find appealing.

The only physical things that attract me are beautiful eyes, a beautiful smile,and hands. (Hands? Yeah, I don't know why...) I just want a pure, religious, and romantic guy. Someone who is extremely funny and who I can talk to for hours.I've got a thing for athletes too. Sometimes I imagine my Troy having an amazing heart-throbbing singing voice. Ahh... I'm too unrealistic. I don't expect one guy to have every quality I find attractive. Athleticism is what I like more in a guy than artsy. And I certainly don't care about the race. Ty knows a lot of guys who attend to all different kinds schools in Atlanta. But for some reason, I doubt she's going to find my Troy, or A Troy. However, about a week ago Ty randomly told me that she was working on it. I trust her. She's a sincere person. :)

Text Messages:
James- " I see exactly what you mean! But do you think your friends with the boyfriends get married to those guys?They go through heartbreak at the end. And plus you an amazingly beautiful girl, and your single! Take those two components and use them! You can't go around lookin for love, you'll never find it. As time passes it will come to you. So just get out and endure. Many guys would kill at the chance to take you out. Believe me, I know."


Winston( my "big brother" :) - "It'll be alright, Rose. It's weird cause when I was at church today, the Bishop was talking about love. Not exactly the same love as you blogged about but still love. He was saying that God loves Jesus because Jesus loves us, and as long as we keep loving others. As long as you keep a smile on, keep loving, and wait you will be blessed. Your a very unique person Rose, there aren't many girls like you today and that means there will be a very unique man for you. Whether God puts him in your life, tomorrow, next week, or 4 months, is up to Him. He will come and when you see him you will know. Sorry for the long text, I just thought you should know that.
Goodnight!"

Yep, you know me. Rose Valentine Part 3

&& I've got to let the world know this.
April 9th?
Is it someone's birthday?
Anyway, let me write out my feelings-it's going to be raw and real, naked and personal.
My heart burned tonight.
It's a funny thing, my heart that it. I can actually "feel" it you know? Like, when I'm happy and sweet things touch me, my heart sings. But when I'm feeling shattered or hurt or angry it burns... literally.
It nearly snapped in two tonight.

I am so furious. I told God about my anger towards Him. I told Him how angry I am with Him, making me wait so bitterly like this. I've been trying so hard to be satisfied with God's love only. That's the only love I need and get, and yet still I stand feeling so hurt and angry. I am angry with God. I want to find Troy, to be loved, to experience love and to feel love. But... no. I can't, cause it's just not happening right now. So what can I do? Wait some more I guess, and just let my heart break even more. I don't understand myself. I'm usually optimistic about this. Why am I beginning to become concerned about this? I have so much time. The alarm will never go off. I have my whole life to find love.
Pressure from friends maybe?

I'm freaken tired of waiting for my guy to come along... my Troy.
I am so SICK of hearing my friend's gushes, sick of silent phones, not being asked to dances, and dateless Friday nights. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just so sick of not finding anything. Yeah, I've got time. So why do I feel like I'm running out of it? I'm beginning to feel like love was just not made for me, well for right now at least. Maybe God wants to show me something much more incredible than a silly teenage boy. So tonight, I stand up alone at a sleepover, dreaming, with dried tears on my face. Anna Nalick's 'In Rough' clogged in my ears while the silence of the night and the slowness of the clock drove me insane. My attitude right now is bitter. Obviously, I'm not optimistic right now. Not tonight. I just cannot wait to start tumbling again and for tryouts to begin. I want to be distracted from this hurt. This hot mess. Cheerleading makes me happy. But the Lord... He maks me joyful and nothing and no one can beat that.

Boys come and go.
I still want to be wanted... and loved.
I was in a "relationship" before, back in October. I'm now realizing how much it wasn't a relationship and how disrespected and hurt I was at the end. So, I erase that silly boy from my mind who failed to treat me well. He was no boyfriend.
Shame on me right? For wanting something like this? I should be concentrating on my studies. No, no shame. I bear no shame in this. My feelings have no control button. Maybe just maybe... there's something wrong with me. I've got major, mega flaws. Perhaps I'm displaying a part of myself that is unappealing. Maybe it's my bashfulness. Some boys do know that I exist, I guess. They just don't approach me. Some look with lingering stares, but no they remain silent. I hope that doesn't make me sound conceited.
... I've done something wrong. This is my punishment.
&& I know for sure God is not trying to hurt me, but I'm feeling hurt anway.
It's not Him.
It's me.
My growing impatience.