Starving

I'm starving for Jesus.
I went to Confession today and I felt much happier than I was. Evan hasn't been to confession in seven years and we went together. When I was on that incredible spiritual high three months ago, I went to Confession weekly. I don't why, but I stopped doing that and attending daily mass. However, Evan and I take some time off lunch everyday to go pray at the school chapel. The chapel is very beautiful. I love praying in there. Sometimes, I just kneel and stare at the Cross. And when I stare, I get this incredible feeling of serenity. I just take a deep breathe and gaze. I got to mass every Sunday. I hate missing it. When I do miss it for whatever reason, I feel terrible. Even when I don't feel like going to Mass. God loves us very much and He wants us to return that undying, powerful, love. The church is my only life. I feel the safest there. (I'm Roman Catholic, by the way. 'Mass' is another name for 'church service') I tried to encourage her, but she backed out again. It's okay. She can take her time. I pray that God will giver her the strength and courage.

Praise the Lord, it's Advent!I'm trying to change some things and concentrate what matters the most- My Father and his Son, the Savior. The Christmas season is such a glorious time. My school is decorated with beautiful Christmas trees and reefs all over the place. It's very lovely. I love everything about. Everyone seems to be closer with each other, embracing love and family, and most importantly recognizing the birth of Christ. Christ is our true and only Savior. He came to life with love and promise from God. Without Christ, our sins would forever plaque our souls. The sins would stain- non removable and unforgotten. Mother Mary shall be every girl's role model, and Jesus, every boy's role model.


I came up with my Christmas lists last weekend. I need it to hand it in to my parents now. :)
Yes, there is more than one list. One for my parents and one for God.The one I wrote to God is special- it's what I truly want and need. The list is composed with feelings, fresh emotions, and honesty. It's personal, and I would rather keep it between me and God. I'm asking for a new purity ring, new cheer shoes, ribbons(can never get enough of those. Hahaa!), and gift cards to Hollister and Sephora. It's quite simple. The only thing I want is the purity ring. It's gorgeous and I want to show the world that I'm not going to let go of my promise. Saving my body for the right man-in marriage.

Anyway,Everything is okay now. :) I don't know, my eating habits are weird lately. I skip dinner on a daily basis, because I fear of gaining too much weight. Sometimes, I'll skip breakfast as well or just eat dry cereal. I'll eat lunch, have a snack after school, and that will be it for the day. Exams are coming really fast(I've started on those stupid study guides. ugh. So LONG.) as well as Christmas Break! (Starts Dec 19!) Other than that, there's nothing new this week. My phone is silent and as for talking to Chris Angel, it's been unsuccessful. It's obvious that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I haven't done anything to him... at all. Why, is evertyhing just too awkward now or what? We talked on facebook for a little bit, then he just stopped replying to my comment posts. I just asked if some questions( trying to make conversation) and still, no response.
So much for friendship.

Why doesn't he want to talk? What-ever. I give up on him. It's time to find a new guy- which is still giving me much diffculty. Then again, a part of me is just not caring anymore. I think I should fall in love with my school books again, just like in eighth grade. I was fine and boys were like, "whatever" to me. Even last year, my freshman year. Now, when a boy shows some real interest, my heart has gotten softer and I crave for a guy's attention- finding someone new. People are still asking if Chris and I are still together.(Honestly, people for ONCE look at my relationship status on facebook) I hate it when people ask. I can't stand it. "Hey, how are you and soccer boy doing?" my friend, Vickie inquired, randomly at lunch. "Yeah, how are you and that boy doing?" Sasha asked. My smile crumpled into a grimance. Great. Thanks for asking girls. It's okay, though. They didn't know. Well actually, I do remember clearly telling Vickie that Chris and I were no longer together...

" Oh. Um we broke up. Like, almost two months ago." (Yeah. Already.) The girls were begging me to tell the story. I refused. "You don't feel comfortable talking about it?" Ty asked, earnestly. I shook my head."Oh my gosh what happened?!" Sasha exclamied, her eyes bulgy and wide with interest. "It's a long story. I mumbled. " And I've told it like a thousand times. Really, you don't want to hear it." But, Sasha insisted. "No! She cried. "Tell us. I wanna know." She peered closely at me and gasped to the girls, "Oh my gosh it looks like shes' going to cry- oh my gosh she's crying!" I honestly, don't know why I did. I'm totally over him and what he did to me... right? Of course. Why am I asking? "Didn't I tell you she didn't feel comfortable talking about it?" Ty hissed, at Sasha. She got out of her seat and ran to get some napkins. "Here, sit down." Sasha said. She began to apologize countlessly.
"It's okay... really..."
"Here. Ty handed me napkins. "Well, at least we weren't CHEATED ON!" She screeched to the table at large. (Apparently, her boyfriend cheated on her too.) I turned to look at her. "Uh..."
"He cheated on you?"
I ended up telling the girls a five miunte version of the break-up. To my utter shock, they were one of the only people who didn't start going on a "cussing fest" and calling Chris Angel a jerk and other thigns. It's almost like it wasn't a "new flash" to them in a way. Everyone says that they say it coming and it's just "typical boy behavior." No it is NOT. Don't get me started on that. Honestly, teenaged boys ARE capable of being faithful. "Aw, y'all were dancing to every song at Homecoming." Sasha cooed. I nodded.
"Yeah..."
People did actually notice us at the dance. At school, my classmates would come up and ask, "Omigosh, Rose was that your boyfriend at Homecoming?" That's kind of weird, isn't it?
Ha.
I don't know why I cried that day. There was no reason to. The funny thing is, is that I didn't feel a painful pang in my heart when I cried and discussed with the girls. I'm not hurting anymore. Rose just get over it already. Goodness. But then again, he was your first love- your first kiss. That's special. Hard to let that go, right? Sasha was looking melancholy. "If he were to ask you out again, would you say yes?"
"Heck yes. " My heart repiled. But I said, "Yeah, but I don't think he likes me like that anymore." Surprise? Shouldn't be.
"Maybe he's afraid that he will hurt you again."
Oh.
I have never thought of that, but that's a total possibility. He made it pretty clear that what he did was totally wrong on the telephone "that day"... especially my sister on facebook. She DISPLAYED it on there... literally. She went way over board. Yikes. "Yeah, this happened like, in October."(Yeah, and it's December now. Wow Rose. Wow.) I stated, wiping my eyes with the tissue, suddendly conscious of my make-up. "And you're still not over it? Ty, inquired gently looking straight at me. "Girl, it's time to move on and find a new guy. This is just a learning experience." I just looked at my friend ruefully in response.
"I'll introduce you to some guys."

That's the only way for Chris Angel to fade away from the picture,a new 'angel' has to come along my way. I mean, SERIOUSLY it's taking me forever. I've seen this- friends breaking up with people, then a few weeks later(with Savanna and Nick more like two-three days later) a new guy is in the picture. And I'm like, what?! That is with a lot of my classmates and friends. I know moving on too fast isn't healthy but isn't it about time for me to find... (Most of my friends are girls. Almost all, which is a problem. I can't communicate well with guys.)
Alright. It's official.
I'm either:
A) Too slow
B) Too picky
C) "It just ain't happening"

Ha. I say, all of the above.

I'm sure you all have noticed, but I mention 'facebook' and 'Chris Angel ' WAY too much on here. I'm surprised no one has told me to shut up about it!