Flashback of 2008 :Chris Angel

There are so many things to say about this boy. I'll try not to "overwrite."
Dear God,
There is something I would- well, let me spill it out. You know Chris Angel? Well, is he right for me? I mean, are we meant to be? Maybe not forever, but do we have some sort of future together? Like boyfriend && girlfriend? I don't know, Father, it's too early, way too early to tell. It's just that I have this feeling... I don't know, maybe I'm acting stupid. But, Chris really wants to meet me and I really really want to meet him. I don't know why Lord, but I am baffled. What is this foreign feeling that I am having? I barely know Chris and yet his profile on faceboook-him expressing his love for You and your son Jesus just melted my heart. There are not alot of teenage guys like that out there. Well no, I shouldn't say that. There are. They're just hard to find. From what I know about Chris, it sounds like he's pure too. That's one of the things I want, Lord.
A pure guy.
A pure relationship. I mean, do I really match with any guy? Chris? Oh Father, I want to meet him. I feel as if he can change me somehow in a good way. God, if this is your will...
Love your daughter,
Rose
- September 3, 2008 first letter written to God.

When we first started talking. The first date. Everything. If you really want to know, you can search the blog by typing in, 'Chris Angel.' The first date was amazing. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. When he wrapped his arms around me, and gazed into my eyes... I knew for sure that that boy was for me. Chris Angel is a gift. He walked into my life the day after my life changed. It's incredible. He's taught me so much and he makes me feel so good about myself. He helped me find my inner and outer beauty. He looked inside of me. Chris was the first boy that I was truly infatuated with, and he told me that I was the same to him. He called me all the time and he cared for me. I called him 'Prince Charming.' I got that idea from my friend Emily."Ahh he's like Prince Charming, Rose!"

Our friendship was rare and special, because it happened so fast and it was full of hidden love and with God. We had an incredible spiritual connection and everything. Christ was the center of our relationship. We made a promise to each other that we were going to keep the relationship pure and godly. "We not going to do any of that '"stuff'"."(sexual stuff) He had said. Chris was like my diary. I could tell him anything and everything. I talked to him how I talk to my sister, Caroline. We got really close. He was a wonderful friend who always made me laugh and gave me honest advice and feedback when needed. Now do you understand why the break-up was so hard for me to bare?

How can you let a friendship and a relationship break into pieces and leave it on the floor? I have hope for 2009. Not for a relationship again, but for that sweet, somewhat romantic friendship Chris and I had at first. He is right though- we did rush into a relationship and everything. But at the end, I didn't care. I was infatuated and my heart was beating painfully for him. I grew attached like strings on a puppet. A part of me blames myself for the break-up and why he went out and cheated on me. You see, I did't tell you all the whole story. It's not much, but its totally ridiculous.

It was Thursday night. A few days before the break-up. I was at Wal- Mart when Chris had called me. I had missed yet another call from him that very same week. The last time we spoke was Monday. He had called me Wednesday night and left me the sweetest phone message. Ah :) Anyway, when Chris called me I had just gotten back from a two-hour Confirmation rehearsal and I was down in the dumps for some odd reason. Man, why am I feeling like this? Ah! I HAVE to call Chris tonight and oh no, I still have a lot of homework to do." When I picked up, Chris jokingly said, "You NEVER pick up the phone!" And well, you know me. I took him way too seriously, so I snapped back. "I'm out!" And blah, blah, blah. Chris laughed and said he was joking, but quickly grew worried when I wasn't laughing back. I couldn't. I was feeling depressed from the rehearsal and the Aduration, and I was on the verge of tears. Chris asked me if I were alright.

"Yeah. My voice quivered. "Let me call you later, ok?"
"Ok, he replied, quietly sounding sad. He thought I was mad at him. "Bye."
I just hung up. Ugh. I'm a brat.

To make a long story super short, I popped a question that I could beat myself up for. But I won't. I either didn't listen to my heart, or I was way too emotionally drawn into the relationship.
I think both.
"Do you think we could... fall in love?"
Rosalina Marianna Cristelle Valentine. Honestly.
I killed the relationship. I killed it. I should of asked that question way later. But to tell you the truth, I wasn't talking about falling in love now. I was talking about later... in the future. Really. I should of said, "Do you think it's possible for us to fall in love someday?" OR, I could of just shut up. " Maybe, Chris replied. "It's possible. You know that Nike saying? 'Impossible is nothing.' Anything is possible." We talked about it for awhile. "You want to fall in love with me?" Chris asked, in a soft, flattering tone. I will never forget his tone of voice when he uttered those words. "Yeah, I replied quietly. Then, I told him how I felt about him and he told me he felt the same way.

Next time we talked? Sunday. The break-up phone call. Day after Confirmation, around nine am. I was a wreck.
He couldn't deal with the distance, but we were only thirty minutes away from each other. He said we were moving too fast(there you go. that's true) and we rushed into the relationship. "We should of stayed friends longer." And then the major part of the hurt I felt: the cheating. Most of you already know the story. I will not go into extreme detail. Party the night before. Girl liked him. Kissed him and he kissed back. He said that when I called, he was at the party. I should of been on his mind at the time right? Chris Angel broke my heart. He broke it. I cried so much. I felt hurt and pain that I have never felt before. It was real. So real. I couldn't get over him. I trashed the stuff he gave me( bad advice from an angry friend. I regret it. I don't blame my friend, I blame myself. I didn't have to take that stupid advice. I'm the one who did it, not her.),deleted his number from my phone and offered up my broken to the Lord to mend. I couldn't fix it on my own. A rebound is the wrong thing to do, and it wouldn't of helped anyway. For the longest, I couldn't believe that any guy would come along my way soon enough and be much better than Chris Angel. Come to think of it, Trevor made me forget Chris. He made him fade out of the picture. But, he was no rebound. I started to talk to him way after the break-up and he was really... well....

Chris met my top standards and everything. He didn't want to break-up.... he was fine with "just dating" but I wanted just friendship. For awhile, I regretted that decision. I felt as if finding a guy better than Chris or just like him (but even better) was totally impossible. He's amazing. I admired everything about him- he's purity, he's ambition to work hard in school and soccer, his care, his comfort, his everlasting humor, and most importantly his love for Christ. "I'm in love with Jesus, he had said. "I am so happy, we're talking about the Bible!" We talked about God and faith the second day we started talking. I remember several weeks later, Chris had called me Sunday morning to tell me that he had an emotional connection with God. "I just broke down and cried, Rose. I cried." We always talked about God and our faith. We would pray together all the time. He gave me attention that no guy has ever given me. Chris gave me the male attention that my father, most of the time fails to give. How can I forget Chris Angel? He was my first love, and he would forever be. He gave me my first kiss too. I wrote him a poem, the weekend before Homecoming and it took me two hours to write. It's the best poem that I have ever written. I really had to dig deep down in my heart. He told me that I was the first girl to write him a poem. I made it all pretty with a big red heart and with a "touch of magic", I added my signature look: the glitter and the ribbons. :) I'll make a separate post later.

I didn't feel any bitterness towards him... at first. Chris said I took everything well. I didn't curse, scream, or shout. Of course I cried. I always feel comfortable crying with him around, but that's not the point. I cried because I was shocked and hurt while everyone else was like, "Well, I saw it coming Rose." Really. I forgave him and I told him that the day he broke up with me. But for some reason, talking to an angry friend, made me feel bitter and that's when I tossed the stuff Chris gave me into the woods of my backyard without a thought. Who knew, four weeks later I would go back looking for it? For awhile, a part of me wanted to keep looking and another just wanted to let this hot mess go. " Rose, you are out in the woods looking for something that a boy gave you?! Evan had sneered on the phone that day. "And you haven't even started your homework!" Bad mistake. Bad mistake. I've learned my lesson. Hopefully in the future, Chris wouldn't ask if I had kept that stuff. DANG IT. Oh my gosh. He'll think I'm a jerk. You want to bet that he kept my poem?

I brought my sister along with me. "Let's get rid of some damaged goods." I had said.Then right after cheer I randomly searched his page, and saw his new relationship status. When I burst into tears, Caroline automatically took over the computer and got positively pissed. She wrote all over Chris' wall on facebook with her anger and made a bunch of her statuses just about him. "You break her heart, I BREAK YOUR FACE. Obviously, you forgot." Then she put a smiley face at the end. And another, "You are a jerk, yes you are! Everyone at school knows who you are!" "Well, you move on quickly..." She even threatened him that she would break his face if he broke my heart, when Chris and I were "dating flirty friends."It was wrong for her to give him such a hard time on facebook, getting everyone caught up in my mess, but I'm just as guilty. I was there. Right there. And I remember moments when I laughed. I was hurt and angry and everyone was telling me that I had a right to be feeling that way. I did tell my sister to tone it down a bit, but she didn't listen. Then the next day, Mel talked to Caroline about it. She said that Chris had called her saying,"Rose's sister is giving me a bad reputation at your school!" My sister ended up in tears. "NO ONE understands! She hollered, tears streaming down her face "You hurt my friends or my sisters, you hurt me too!"

Mel said that Chris had said that he wasn't cross with my sister. Just frustrated, because she was telling everybody what he did. "He understands." Mel had said.I began to feel bad too, but I said nothing. Chris doesn't know that I was there when my sister did all this. And you should never find out. He would hate me. Mel convinced Chris that the new girl he was sorta kinda with was bad news. "I told him not to go out with her." He did get an official new girlfriend three weeks after that." I have a lot of school and soccer going on." He had told me that Sunday. I beginning to think that that was just an excuse not to be with me anymore. Mel got really angry when I told her. "What?! She cried. "I told him to stop getting into relationships! He's not a relationship person. He's just creating problems for himself! I told him to just date!" I nodded, still feeling hurt when we discussed this. We were at Chile's eating dinner. Mel shook her head. "That's ridiculous, she hissed. "You deserve way much better. There are a lot of nice guys out there. Just keep your eyes open.""He's not a jerk.I said. "He just made a mistake. At least he told me what happened."
"Yeah, he's not. He's just 'middle-school' when it comes to relationships." But Mel is right. I do deserve better. Funny how I just now realized that. Chris Angel was perfect in my eyes. I told him that all the time.He was different from most teenage guys. He wore an abstinence bracelet with no shame. "Yeah, I'm saving sex for marriage. Sex is not just to have fun. It's for creating children."

All of this about 2-3 months ago, by the way.

That boy said the sweetest&& cutest things:

"You're so pretty... you're so beautiful. Your face, everything is just perfect." (favorite)

"I wanna see you too, and pick you up and be like superman for a minute." (favorite)

"You're pretty." He said, sincerely. I smiled. "You really think so?" I whispered "Yeah, he replied. "You are. And you have a nice smile. "Wow, Catholic? That's a plus."

(In a sing- song voice) ♫"I wanna talk to my baaaaby."♫

And about our first date he said, "When we hugged and when you looked at me, I was like man, I wanna kiss her. But I was like no, this is the first date!"

"I love how you're so religious, Rose. "Makes me want to become a better person. You set me on the right track." (favorite)

You're beautiful, you're smart, you're a good cheerleader... "You're perfect. And you're different, Rose. Just like me." And you know what else I like about you? You tell me how you feel." I didn't want to let go when we hugged goodbye."

"You have a pretty smile, Rose. Pretty everything."

"Lord, please help me get lost in her eyes."(favorite)

"You didn't pick up the phone, I thought you were at home, whenever I think of you my heart goes boom, boom, boom. "(AHH he's got MAD rhyming skills. Seriously. He can make up a good rap/poem in like, five seconds and the rhymes are brilliant. It's so cute!)

"You make me feel like I'm on top of the world."

"You bring out the good in me." (favorite)

" I really appreciate you. Thank you for praying for me."

Him: "You're my beautiful princess."
Me: "And you're my prince charming."

"You really think my eyes sparkle? You're always so sweet to me, Rose."

"You're all that I ever wanted in a girl." (favorite)

"You're the first girl that I've actually "liked." (favorite)

"You are the sweetest girl I have ever met."

" I like your name because, I like you."

Him: "You're amazing."
Me: " You're amazing."
Him: "How?"
Me: "You're different."
Him:*starts to freak out* "What?! What are you talking about-!"
Me: "Good different."

"I love being with you, I love gazing into your eyes, I love kissing you..."

Me: "You're perfect."
"No, don't say that, he would reply quietly. "Because if I make a mistake, you'll be very disappointed. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. You're perfect."

Me: "Ugh, I've been digging through my closet for two hours!"
Him: "Look, I don't care what you look like. I'm still going to give you a good time. I mean, you can come in sweats- I wouldn't recommend it, but I won't treat you any different."(favorite)

"I want to get lost in your eyes like the roaring seas, because they're pretty like rosemaries."(HAHAA mad rhyming skills)

"You make me feel puerrty." (HAHA)

"You have pretty eyes. Although they're dark, they have that nice almond shape that I like."

"You are the most amazing thing that has happened to me..." (favorite)

"I'm single now, but not for long. It's going to be surprise..."

Him: "I like- uh, never mind that's weird."
Me: "No, say it."
Him: "I like your lips. What do you think about your lips?" (HAHAA thanks Chris!)
Me: *laughs* "They're okay."
Him: "Okay?!"

"Lord, please bless her, because girls like her don't always come along."

*Setting: Homecoming Dance. It was nearly over and Neyo's hit song, 'Closer' was blasting in the speakers. When Neyo sang, "& she shines just like a star..." Chris mouthed those words, looking straight at me. (favorite)

"You make me happy."

"I'll call you late at night, and I'll be like, 'Heey baby' and you'll be like, 'Hey smookums'."

"I feel like I married to you, like committed, but we're just far away." (favorite)

"You are one of the most beautiful and strongest people I have ever met." (He told me that when he broke up with me)

Song that reminds me of him: 'Banana Pancakes'-Jack Johnson (one of his favorites)
Song he dedicated to me: 'Angel'-Jack Johnson

& how did we get here?
I use to know you so well... -'Decode' by Paramore

"&& I remember
the words you
say, they hit
Replay."- me