Human

It's official.
I don't want to be human.
I don't want to feel bad and make mistakes that would change my life. I don't want my heart to break again- I don't want to be sad, I don't want to feel pain- emotional and physical. I don't want to get enraged, envy, or grow impatient. I want to be happy, always. Don't get me wrong, my readers. I am a happy girl but you know what I mean right? I think I'm changing. I'm not praying enough, I don't crack open my Bible enough, or go to daily Mass anymore. ( I just go on Sundays. I still have dates with Jesus and I pray before I rest.) And, I'm swearing. Sometimes. I mean, I don't swear too much( I don't cuss on here, so yes I don't cuss a lot and it's not like I swear aloud for the whole world to hear. It's usually to myself. Like, "Oh (insert here).) I feel like a bad person. A bad Christian. It's terrible and I have to stop. I'm stopping now. Good thing it's not a habit. One thing I will never do is swear in the Lord's name. That's just wrong. Overall, I'm on a spiritual low. Major. I need to get back on track. NOW. I don't know how to begin. I need Camp Covecrest again. I need a refresher. I think my problem is that I'm seeking happiness somewhere else.

Human love.
What do I mean by that? I'll explain.
God's love is the only that can fullfill that hole in your heart. No one and nothing else can do that. I can get attached to people. Not clingy, but attached. And once I've opened up, I don't stop and then a piece of heart goes to that person. I've learned that about myself. If I open up to you and then all the sudden you disappear, I get a wound. I get hurt. Another reason why I don't want to be human.

Human love.
I like attention- but not too much. Not that "popularity" nonsense, but I want people to "see" me. Call me. Greet me. Hear me. Hug me. You're probably thinking I don't get enough attention at home, but I honestly do. So, really I don't know what my problem is.

Human love.
My closet friends are now finding and/or with their "special guy." Mel's with Spencer, Savanna and Nick are offical, Evan has tons of guys interested in her and there's one she's going to meet pretty soon. Tara is "sort of" with a guy called, Cody, and Lexi already has a thing with P.K just after break-up with her boyfriend.(It's okay with Lexi doing that I guess. It's the fastest way to move on and her boyfriend didn't treat her right. He hurt her.) As you can tell, I am jealous. Friday is the football playoffs and of course my girls are going to be off with their guy and who am I going to be with? Mr. hot chocolate and mrs. cell phone while watching the game in self pity. Can you blame me for feeling jealous? Just when my fairytale ends, everyone else is now getting into theirs. Alot of my peers are finding that special someone to date or to be with. Those relationship statuses on facebook keep changing. I'm feeling left out of love. It feels good to be with someone you truly, romantically, admire. I'm just a hopeless romantic. After watching Highschool Musical 3 on Saturday(I'm a big Troy and Gabriella fan) I really went off daydreaming about the romance from the movie. I love Troy and Gabriella's relationship. It's beautiful, pure, cute, but the thing is though, half of it so unrealistic. The harmony, the chemistry, everything that ties those two together is just not real right? Nothing really falls apart between them. Not all the way at least.

Jessica told me that I need more experience with dating and relationships. She's right. I can't just go out there not knowing what the heck I'm doing. I know I have plenty of time, but seriously I've heard from others. I can't just wait till college like that. I would be stupid and naive and get myself in some crazy situations. I wouldn't know how to be a girlfriend or a good date and worst of all, I would be clueless. Right now, school is on my brain but so is dating. It's not bad thing to date in highschool. My parents have sheltered me. They don't want me to date or be in a relationship. But you know what? They can't tell me how I feel about people. So, if I meet a nice guy and I can see myself with him, then so be it. They can't stop that. I'm not going to ignore the feelings and the connection I feel with that person, just so my parents will be pleased. I can't live up to ALL of their expectations.

That's just not right. I'm not a robot. They can't program me. I am my own person. They know I'm not stupid. I made good descions when I was in a relationship and they knew that too. I have morals, I have standards. I'm not desperate to be with a guy, I just would like to be with someone. I mean, my parents are experienced (obviously. they wouldn't be married if they weren't) but "it's" just different now in 2008... in America. My parents are Ghanaians. They were separated from the opposite sex most of the time so everything was just awkward when they met up for dances, etc.American teenagers are different from Ghana in teenagers. We approach things different. Especially dating and relationships. It's just a whole different culture.

Personally, I don't think it's fair. For once I wanted a guy to actually be infatuated with me. To wrap his arms around me, hold my hands, kiss me, and call me late at night. Look what happened now. It's gone... already. (I probably sound like a baby right now) There's a winter formal coming up after Christmas break and guess who's not going to get asked? Me. Just like the previous year with everything else, I was never asked. My friends were but I was not. I remember some of them would complain, "Ugh so and so asked me to go with him." Oh really? Guess who wasn't asked? I did ask one guy and the dance was great and everything. I don't know, I'm not interested in anyone anyway, but still. I'm going to end up staying at home that night because of all my friends would have dates. If I do end up asking a guy, he's not going to say yes. He'll feel pressured to. But, I'm not going to ask a guy just for the sake of having a date. If I am interested or he's a friend then why not? Jessica told me that I need to become less shy less "Omigosh!", and that I need to get out there more. I don't know how to do that either. Personally, I like the way I am.

My friend Stephanie and even Jessica told me that they thought I was "booshie" or "snobby" because I speak properly. That was their first impression. I was thorougly shocked when I heard this. I was scared (literally) that that was the demeanor I give off. Wow. Just because I speak proper English? People always make fun of the way I talk. Maybe it's too "preppy." I can't help it. That's just they way I talk. "You're just proper, Rose. Stephanie had tol. "But it's okay, though. It's not a bad thing. I know you're not a spoiled brat or a snob." People have always called me proper. What is proper anyway?I'm not a snob or a brat. I consider myself to be sweet, kind, and patient. I'm certainly not snobby. Wow. I'm getting off topic. Anyway, I know my luck with the male species is sad. I don't know how to communicate with them. Jessica told me that I need to get more guyfriends. The thing is though, they guys don't want to talk to me. "I'm surprised that the guys at your school aren't chasing after you." Chris had said to me once.

Maybe I should actually try to talk to them. I'm just shy with boys. I mean, why am I? They're just boys right? Again. What. Is. My. Problem? I mean, I have few guyfriends. It's all about quaility not quanitity right? "You need to relax, Rose. Jessica stressed. "Stop freaking out and being like, "omigosh!" all the time. They (boys) don't like that." I you continue, all you're ever going to attract our little fourteen and fifteen year old guys."I just hope that a great guy will come my way someday soon. I'm feeling terribly jealous and left out and I can't ignore those feelings. I don't know what it's going to take for me to get into what my world history teacher calls it, "the dating game." I wouldn't necessarily call dating a game with every teenager. Some aren't "playing it like a game." Some are actually quite serious. (As you can tell, I let my emotions take control of me. Not a good thing.) Jessica actually found someone else for me. His name is Louis and he's in college. The other conflict was for me to make a myspace to contact him. Myspace is banned in my household. At first I was very unwilling. I went from unwilling to, "Okay I'm going to make a myspace right now!" and finally to, "No. I can't. He's too old." Jessica got very cross with me. "Forget it, Rose. She growled. What's with you and older guys?" You mean, college guys? Louis is too old. It's kind of weird though. Jessica told me that Louis's status was this:" Darn, when I am I going to find that special girl. :(

My addiction is human love. Most of it, the fairytale love. Infatuation and the teen puppy love.I need to seek God and Jesus with all of my heart. I need their love more than anything on this earth. I don't need a guy, but I would like to be with a "Mr. Amazing." And there's no way I'm going to find him. Maybe it's because I'm looking. After all, Chris kind of came out of nowhere.(You're probably like, "Rose is NEVER going to shut up about him!") I don't have feelings for him anymore, but just like everyone else I know he's part of my life. I don't shove people out of it.

- It's okay for me to feel this way. God has placed our want and need of love in our hearts. It's natural.

No school today. :))