I'm not really in a good mood today.

:(

Algebra is depressing me. I'm very close to failing that stupid subject. Gosh, it makes me so angry how I can't get anything in that friggin class. Do you know how much I HATE failing? The rest of my grades of excellent but, of course it's always math that blocks me from the Principal's List. I mean, I have tutors and everything and I still cannot pass a test. I've passed a few this semester but, I am so tired of working harder than everyone else in the class. When am I going to use this crap anyway?
Never.
You know, I have three more years of highschool. That is alot of math. I'm not going to remember all that junk. I can't even remember how to solve equations that I learned just yesterday. It's not only algebra that's pissing me off but, it's everything else. School is stressing me out, big time. I'm not even sure if I'm good in anything anymore. My writing skills have weakened, and the struggle of self-discovery is becoming suffocating journey. As I struggle to figure who I truly am, I'm also having difficulty on how life really works and if... if... there is a boy out there for me. I know I'm young but, it'll be nice to meet someone who reaches my standards, or we meet each others. I actually had an opportunity to be with someone. Matt, of course. He was ready to date and I was... not. And, after doing a lot of serious thinking, he gave up on me. So, now I'm giving up on him. I'm tired of waiting for boys. They're not worth it. My education is more important right now. But, still my heart throbs and cheeks become aflame whenever I see him. "Maybe, he secretly likes you." Callie,had said. "Why he can't he just admit?! I cried, in outrage. " This is not middle school!"

He doesn't like me. I know that for sure. I know he use to... when I wasn't ready. It's quite painful when you truly DO like someone and they don't feel the same way. This happens to me all the time. Perhaps I'm doing something wrong. After all, the last time a boy admitted of having feelings for me(In person too) was the sixth grade. Sixth grade!!! Was it even for real? Matt is a sweetheart but, I can't have him. He's the ONLY decent guy I know. The boys at my school are all the same- impure and cocky. You say that I'm young and I have plenty of time. I know that but, it IS nice to be with someone, you know. I actually don't know that for a fact because I've never had a boyfriend before. The boy either does not reach my standards, or I don't reach his. Most of the time, I don't reach his. I've noticed that a lot of people notice the outer beauty, and the inner beauty last. News flash? No. I've also noticed that the most beautiful girls in the freshman year (Caroline and Helen) get most of the "male attention" because they're gorgeous. Really, they are. Boys are commenting on their beauty. " Man, she's so pretty." The boys would say. A boy has never really called me "pretty", or "beautiful" before expect in the sixth grade. He didn't necessarily say it to my face though, like how the boys would say to Caroline and Helen.

I'm always called,"cute." Why I am always friggin cute?! Why can't I be beautiful or pretty for once? I'm not trying to say that I need male approval to feel beautiful but like any other girl, I tend to be vain at times. I want boys to look at me. I'm not desperate. I just want to be admired. After all, every girl wants to be admired by the male population. That's just how we're wired. Girls always want to please others. It's an undying desire that can really bring us down. That is why most girls are perfectionists. At times, I cannot help but feel a twinging sense of jealous whenever I am with my galfriends. All of them are so very very beautiful. Some of my guyfriends even implied it. Of course, I'm the plain one amongst my galfriends.Maybe, just maybe I WILL be beautiful when I'm all grown up with a successful career.