Thankful

Thankyou Mom and Dad for raising me into a young lady.

Thankyou sisters for making me smile and laugh every single day.

Love, thankyou for breaking my heart and making me stronger.

Highschool, thankyou for helping me see the good and the bad.

Most importantly, thankyou God for giving me this life to live. I love you so much. You have given me so many angels.

And life, thankyou for the adventures. I hope I have many more to come. I am the tackler on the field.

Bring it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm trying to blog more often now. I have so much to say and I don't want all the words to go away...

Fifteen

Take me back to fifteen when my life was such perfect bliss.

I want to experience this feeling again.

I truly found God and I received many blessings after that. My life has never been the same since.

I want to find that deep relationship with Christ again. It's going to take work. I haven't been going to church every Sunday, which is a first. That's not me at all. I'm getting distracted.

I can't handle fallouts. You are aware of them, I assume?

I'm not having a falling out with Christ, I'm just having problems putting my heart out in church. When I'm at a service, little things are racing in my mind. I can't focus. I can't feel the soft music. I wish I can change the Catholic church. We need to have more soul in our words, music, and praise. I need something that would shock, draw me to tears, and relieve me.

I just need another getaway at a camp. Some self-reflection and quiet time.

Aren't we all struggling?

I'm back

I have heartburn.

I'm burning my own heart.

I thought second chances were the best and sweeter than the first.

My "fantasy" world is creating me a bittersweet reality. One second, I'm drooling, gazing, and falling head over heels and then a few moments later, I'm positively ticked because he said something or did something rather stupid.

He claims he's changing. I'm either blind or he's not changing at all. I see he has become more honest, but when things don't go his way, he's dramatic. Everything is still one-sided with him.

Therefore, I see no change.

But when I see him, everything feels brand new. We can't stay cross with each other for very long, which is a rather good thing.

I wonder if all of this is even worth it. Perhaps I expect too much, I'm "nitty picky" at what is bad and stale. Do I not praise him enough? Of course, I do. I adore this fellow and he knows it. He adores me as well, but when it comes to compromise, he desires his own ways.

Typical behavior? That is how my dad acts towards my mother. Maybe that's how men are.

*Shrugs.*

Sorry. I'm not trying to generalize..

Alright, fine love. I'll be gone like the wind.

It's as if I'm just in "it" just to feel something like love... as if it can't come again.

I don't know, but this is making me angry. There's one flaw that I cannot accept of myself: I never know what my heart is saying. Never.

I'm back, loves.

Senior year has been rather different. I'm very busy with my life, but I still think about this blog. I actually fear it, because I know I am no longer an active blogger and I know some of my readers are giving up. Don't worry. Why would I let this go? And you can always contact me at, jesusinyoureyes@gmail.com

I love emails.

You're throwing away your youth

He was taking sip after sip and his eyes gave off a funny glow.
Girls on the floor, laughing hysterically,breathless and losing their place.
No music playing expect for the voices,shouts, and screams of the drunken folks.
These kids dare to take their keys and head off into the streets, past curfew and taking a chance.
And here I am, just watching.
I think. "Is this how they do it? Just drink, past out, and do it again the next night and the night after that?"
Boy sweet talking girl in the corner. Her face blushing with flattery, the boy's voice full of lies and insincerity.
Dangerous. I watch his claws crawl up to her neck, drawing her close.
They drink because it makes them lose control. Alcohol literally drowns down the pain and clogs the soul with false happiness. Why do our minds search for something less fullfilling, giving into the lies of our society?
Because, it's easy. It's much too simple to be drawn into those falsehoods. They show up on billboards, magazines,the internet...everywhere.
We can't plaster our hearts onto that. It hurts too much.
"I want you to wake up and see Christ shining through your window, to find the answer of how the wind blows, to hear your favorite song on the radio, and to feel right at home."

Stick with me

I have some things going on right now.

I apologize,but I simply don't have the time right now. I can't promise tomorrow or for the rest of the week. Everyday is booked,especially this weekend.

Please understand...

Stick with me.

I won't let you down next time.

I love this blog far too much to depart.

Busy

Writer's block is a curse.

My cure? Lots and lots of reading.

Don't worry loves, I'm not going to let you down.

Tomorrow, I will try really hard to write, something that will spark your mind.

The weather is getting much colder and as seasons change, I am changing alot also.

I will explain everything tomorrow,I promise.

Please stick with me.

I know I lost some followers due to my lack of updates, but sometimes life takes up all of your time. And, I've been diligently keeping a diary. Her name is Kailey Angel and she's lovely.I've been using diaries on and all of my life. My mother handed me my first diary when I was eight years old. I still have it. It's sky blue with messy handwriting and cute entries. I miss my little girl days. Things were so much simpler back then.

Forgiveness

I thought I would forever be buried into the arms of ferocity.

It felt good, being buried down there, but those harsh feelings took so much energy. I was feeling weak-hearted and out of breath.

Anger is such a dominating and terrible emotion.Do not let it consume you.

Last week on a Wednesday, I received an expecting phonecall from Rasul.

When I picked up the phone, I suddenly had a change of heart.Forgiveness and I became buddies that night.

It felt so wonderful.

I don't want to go into much detail, because I am sure you all are much tired of hearing about my fail of my love life. Rasul said a lot. He said he's been trying to change through prayer and fasting since Ramadan. Our phone meeting was sad, actually. Of course my mind went on a whim- I was feeling troubled, but I knew he was being sincere. Rasul wants to start over. He said he can't love another girl and he doesn't want to feel for another."We were so perfect, Rose. Everything was amazing. Matt was just jealous,that's why he told you that stuff. I miss you, I miss you so much-I really do. I hate it when people ask me what happened to us.I wish we together again, but I know that's not going to happen. I can't look at a girl and not think of you, Rose Valentine. I know I'm a habitual liar and I'm trying to be more honest with my friends and family. I'm working on it. Since it's Ramadan,I've been praying and fasting and I feel more righteous everyday.If I can't have a relationship with you, I want your friendship. Yeah, friends is good with me, I'll take it."

My feelings have taken a dramatic twist this past summer. You all know that already.

Rasul's aware that were are on different levels, but a part of me still has a soft spot for him. Not romantically, but emotionally. We've finally had closure. I'm feeling hurt though. My anger was a hard shield, covering up my wounds, but now they broke out afresh. Time.

I know love won't come my way soon as I would like for it to arrive. But that's alright, I'm just going to have to deal. I'm not sure if I'm even worthy of love. I always end up with the wrong guy and thoroughly crushed. It's a stupid and very distracting cycle. How am I so entangled in these webs?But guess, what my dear? I'm happy.

I know my tears are signs of healing.