Insecure

Yesterday I was shopping at the mall with my mom and sisters. We bumped into some friends and we were chatting and having a great time. My little cousin looked up at me and asked, "What's with all the makeup?" His slightly scowled at me. I simply laughed and replied, "I like makeup." He said nothing and turned away. Then all the sudden, my aunt pulled me aside and whispered in my ear, " I want some of that money you're making from babysitting. I laughed. She added, "Is that why you're wearing all that makeup?" Again, I laughed not saying a word. I was starting to feel that maybe my makeup was too much and I began to feel horrible. I know what too makeup looks like on a girl- unattractive, clown, and a barbie doll. But me? Walking around looking like a barbie doll all this time without intentionally doing so? I guess I went a little wild with the eyeliner and glitter and my trip to the Sephora (makeup store) didn't make it look any better. The whole time I thought I was looking my best. I didn't think there was anything wrong with my makeup. Honestly. My aunt and cousin would not of pointed out my makeup if it wasn't too much. Now as stupid as I am, I can't even put on makeup well. All I want to do is to look pretty. That's all. That was truly my intention.

The reason why I wear it is because I look so plain without it. And, my hair is so crappy and such high maintenance that I have to look nice somehow. (My hair is natural. Curly/kinky soft and ugly. I can straighten it but that takes hours. I mean, it doesn't look disgusting, it looks... boring)My friend Evan told me that I have natural beauty, but I can't see that. I look terrible without makeup. Even when my family and I are going to functions my mom always tells me to put on more makeup on because, she can't even tell if I'm wearing some when I really did put makeup on. I wish I can talk to my mom about all this but I can't even come to her about it because well... I just can't. She had never given my me and my sisters a talk about makeup or anything. Nothing. I'm the eldest sister and I'm not much of a help when it comes to things like this because I end looking clueless as my sisters are. I can't even go to the park or even the market without makeup on. I just can't. I guess I'm more insecure than I thought I was.

When it comes to my body, I get super self conscious. My rear end is large, I'm "too petite", my boobs are too small, my feet too big, and my thighs are too much. I just hate the fact that guys have to look all the time. I know it's natural and normal but that's hard for me to understand. Even at school where we have uniforms and everything is covered, the boys still look. When a girl gets up from her seat the guys automatically look up and sexual thoughts race through their mind. When they see a flash of undiwear when a girl raises her hand or even see her bra through her shirt, they begin to struggle. The way girls dress is to blame too. We are part of the reason why guys lust. Some of us tempt them too much. I just hate, hate, hate, how some of them look so intensely, especially at the mall when some of them just sit and look and check out girls as they pass. Even the old men.
Looks do matter, but they don't matter the most. They matter because, that's what people can see. Simple as that. So whoever came up with the saying, "Looks don't matter" thanks for screwing up our way of thinking.