The Future

Yesterday, I focused and visioned my future.
I'm applying to fourteen colleges,my loves. I'm not kidding. I'm trying to aim really high and began a bright future. I've got half of my testing process out of the way(I've taken the SATS twice and ACT once) and I know exactly what I want. Junior year kicked me so hard in the tush and I was seriously suffering from anxiety from too much hard week. But this new upcoming year, will be the greatest. I have a 3.5 and I'm aiming for at least a 3.8. Education is so important to me. Someday soon, I would love to be a news anchor or an entertainment host, and a trial lawyer/part time model. I want to be very successful with my own house, a lovely car, and spoil my parents and sisters. My best friend Evan will be by my side. Freshmen year we promised each other that we're going to be career women so we can go to the seven star hotel in Dubai. We are so doing it.I cannot wait to see what life has in store. Marriage and family will come after all that. I want to make something out of myself before I get that ring on my finger and craddle a baby in my arms.
Tell me, what are your dreams my loves?

Whatever

Screw love. But, I'm still praying.
It's senior year, I'm going to focus on more important things. Test scores, scholarships, and college applications.I want to go to a great university and come out of it as a successful, new, young thing. There are many things I would like to try out this upcoming school year since cheerleading at school has let me down. I didn't make the squad.
This must be my year.
Sorry.
I'm still not really over it.
Anyway, I'll soon realize that I can use that extra time to try something new(modeling) and I can spend time with my friends at football games. I am so excited for football season. My school generally does very well and the season goes onto until mid November. It's very nice. Anyway, I'm finally getting my license on Friday and probably take my bestfriend out. It's about time my parents let me get this thing. I mean, seriously c'mon. I'm seventeen years old.I've been driving forever, I need that card.
Sorry, pointless post. I'm just having random thoughts on my mind. When I signed on my facebook this morning, I saw a lot of statuses from my friends that they had "amazing nights", etc. I honestly cannot remember the last time I've had an amazing night. Prom, maybe?
I guess summer is letting me down.
I found two movie tickets in my dad's car. I remember him coming home late too. My mom just shook her head. He probably hasn't stopped cheating. My dad doesn't go to the movies.He still goes on her facebook, I'm sure. I always see the email address pop up when I want to sign in.
Overall, this hasn't been my year.
Whatever.

Moving On

I'm moving on with my life.

I would tell you all the drama that led before and even after the breakup, but it just takes way too much time and not to mention heartbreak. I'm so sorry I've been updating all week. The breakup and the drama literally interrupted my life. I was staying with friends all week. I've gotten a lot of support from my mom and friends., Rasul still continues to lie and was practically begging me to come back. I blocked him on facebook and I was so close into blocking his number on my phone. The situation was getting so bad, that my mom had to intervene. Rasul even got his friends involved. Thank God that I am out of this nightmare breakup. Rasul's plotting revenge on his ex bestfriend and the guy he cheated on me with. They told me my ex was cheating. The other guy got his house egged the other night.

Brody's back and he said he misses my random laughter on the phone. I really can't just jump into another love scam. We're just talking and gaining back our "brother and sister friendship. But the boy is slowly winning me over. My friends really don't like the idea of my quick regain attraction of Brody. Stephanie ,( my friend who introduced us last summer) watned me of Brody trying to lure me while I was with Rasul. I kept my distance. And as soon as Brody found out I was free, he really started to talk.

I have the most terrible luck when it comes to love. My friends are unhappy that Brody is trying to see me again. But my heart is so bruised that it's literally so difficult. to feel what is right and what is wrong. My dad's infidelity will always be my biggest heartbreak, and Rasul is number two.

The heartbreaks are literally three months apart.

Brody didn't treat me very well. He didn't harm me physically, he just wasn't there. He had much too pride and we quarreled often. But we keep doing this "talking thing" even as I write to you, my readers. I'm not stupid and I'm not naive. Brody's a friend and throughout the week he helped me forget my hurt whenever he made me laugh.

I give up on love and I could honestly care less. I have my girls, my family, getting a car soon, and I'm really trying to start modeling and tumbling (again).

I keep bumping into the wrong boys over and over. It could only get worse.

RIP Troy, my perfect man.

Blasted brick wall.

It's time to start talking about important things on here again.

Nobody's In Love

I got a message on facebook Friday morning saying that my prince has been cheating.
With a guy.
More lies and more secrets.
I won't get into details, because my story is not story that you would like to discuss at the dinner table. I've basically lost my appetite.
The person who told me the who the real Rasul is sent me dated text messages and a picture to sum everything up. I haven't been able to really get a hold of Rasul. He keeps making up all kinds of crap. I am so done with this asshole! He keeps playing games with me, and I've barely communicated with him at all this weekend. I've been trying to go over to his house to show him that I know the secret he's been trying to keep, his stupid lies, and his unfaithfulness. Why does this bull keep happening over and over again? There's been so much drama with this jerk.
Yes, you my darlings have never seen me curse on here. With this situation, I have every right to express how I truely feel. This boy is no prince. He. is. an. ASS. This situation may sound like the typical highschool "cheating" story, but if I reveal everything, you'll be feeling as sick as I am. My whole family is devestated. The story is not about the cheating, but his actions and character. I've trying to come over since Friday, but this idiot keeps making up crap on why I can't see him. He's playing all these games and I really don't know what the heck is going on. He probably suspects that something is the matter and that is why he's trying to avoid me. Rasul doesn't know that I know what's been going on, because the person who told me everything, hasn't said anything to him. So, I just have to wait. But in my mind, we're over.
I really need God.
There's been so much drama. I need to get out of this stupid town.

Omegle

I think I was struck with something beautiful tonight.
And I don't know how to get it back.
Stranger: asl
You: 17 female usa
Stranger: awesome
Stranger: lucky you
Stranger: im a guy
Stranger: and this will be the best chat ever
Stranger: from usa too
You: awesome yay
Stranger: 20
Stranger: in college
You: cool
Stranger: yup
Stranger: so which state?
You: georgia
Stranger: florida, i've got them oranges girl and u've got them peaches
Stranger: hellz ya ;)
You: hahahah :)
Stranger: :)
Stranger: soo
Stranger: you seem cool
Stranger: I'm Jason
You: I'm Rose
Stranger: beautiful name
You: aw thankyou
Stranger: for sure
Stranger: soo tell me about yourself Rose
Stranger: high school student
You: hahaha yes and I cheer and model. Write a whole lot, active in my church, workout, and yeah pretty much it hahaha
Stranger: can I comment?
Stranger: may I lol
You: sure?
You: haha
Stranger: well, I just got a boner
Stranger: cheer and model?
Stranger: damn girl
You: ha... great to know?
Stranger: oh sorry lol
Stranger: umm
Stranger: nice combo!
You: lol thanks
Stranger: writing is cool
Stranger: what do u write
You: just about anything. from poetry to short stories. i;ve been writing since i was nine
Stranger: very nice!
Stranger: im jewish so idk about church but sounds great
Stranger: workout is good for that body
Stranger: good stuff ;)
You: I love it hahahah gym memberships are gifts
Stranger: nice!
Stranger: alright now you wanna know abou tme
Stranger: about me
You: indeed
You: hahaha
Stranger: well to start off
Stranger: I'm not like most guys my age
Stranger: at all
Stranger: many people highly respect me for who I am
Stranger: and appreciate me for being myself each and everday
Stranger: basically
Stranger: I am different in a good way
Stranger: thats the best way to put it
You: Well, that's really lovely.
Stranger: for starters..
Stranger: I do not drink
You: GOOD.
Stranger: I do not smoke
You: GOOD.
Stranger: I do not do drugs
You: GOOD.
You: hahaha
Stranger: I am still a virgin
You: GOOD!!!
Stranger: and I have never had a gf
Stranger: which surprises a LOT of people
Stranger: but they understand
You: aww well that'
You: that's okay
You: nothing wrong with hat
You: *that
Stranger: I know, I'm happy
Stranger: :)
Stranger: I have no myspace
Stranger: I have no fakebook
You: really?
Stranger: I have no twitter
Stranger: really!
Stranger: I'm the real deal
You: Wow.
Stranger: and I have more friends than the amount of days in 5 years
Stranger: yup
You: Wow, well that's really nice :))
Stranger: yeah and it makes me feel good
Stranger: I love helping people
Stranger: and being there for people
Stranger: and I expect the same back from them
Stranger: they all hold a very special place in my heart
Stranger: even you
You: Hahah you don't know me at all...
You: just a random girl on here bored to death
You: lol
Stranger: but at some level we are still connecting
Stranger: without a doubt
You: well... alright.
Stranger: now..
Stranger: so if that alone didn't make you think I am different
Stranger: maybe this will
Stranger: I want to change the world
Stranger: you heard me
Stranger: not just the next iPhone application
Stranger: not the newest gadget
Stranger: but actually make an impact on our lives
Stranger: and the future generations to enter our world
Stranger: not many people want to do this
Stranger: or even have close to the desire and motivation to go out there and do so
You: Wow. Speechless.
Stranger: I mean it's actually quite interesting to me
Stranger: to see just how many people will wake up everyday and do things
You: Yes,indeed.
Stranger: and not realize what is actually gong on
Stranger: I see everything from a completely different perspective than your average human
Stranger: not to sound corny, but I really do!
You: I can tell! And, that's refreshing.
Stranger: and it almost makes me want to cry
Stranger: for joy that is
Stranger: because I am so happy that I will in fact accomplish my visions
Stranger: my dreams of a new world
Stranger: I can't do this alone, it's going to be US
Stranger: listen to this ok...
You: Wait what?
Stranger: I was talking to a girl about my thoughts on education right
Stranger: she was in shock
Stranger: what i was telling her on here
Stranger: and looked at it completely differently
Stranger: after I told her the deal
Stranger: from my eyes
Stranger: I saved what she said about me...
Stranger: "Stranger: i think it's clearly unreal that you can think of something like this. and if anyone is gonna change the minds of society its gonna be you. i hope you realize, that how much you just made me think differently, has affected one person. and if i spread your thoughts, you will be the person responsible for world change. you need to keep thinking the way you do and i will never forget this conversation and how much you have changed my view on things"
You: <3> UMMM EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.
Stranger: I know!!!
Stranger: I'm extremely respectful, very understanding, always postive
Stranger: never let anyone down
Stranger: and just live my life instead of being distracted by all of this noise
Stranger: yet I am still aware!
You: If you open doors, pull out chairs, a girl will fall for you I swear.
You: You'll find the right girl.
Stranger: thank you
You: You have a good heart.
Stranger: I really do
Stranger: and I am very driven
Stranger: yet relaxed
Stranger: and I know what's right
You: A lot of guys your age are fooling around, but you. Yes, different, with a good heart. A girl will fall for you one day, and she's going to be so happy.
Stranger: thank you
Stranger: appreciate it
Stranger: but I mean in all honesty
Stranger: I don't even try
Stranger: this is who I am
Stranger: and once she realized that, super glue
Stranger: realizes
Stranger: you know
Stranger: my friends who are girls just sit in the food places and their jaws drop
Stranger: they love talking to me
Stranger: because I am more down to this earth that the world itself
You: Exactly.
Stranger: yeah
You: Um okay, Florida girls=blind.
You: Seriously.
You: Girls should be chasing after you for sure
You: You're good.
You: And I don't even know you
Stranger: it makes me want to cry
Stranger: because I am going to actually do it
Stranger: I will be the next world changer
Stranger: I feel it
You: I'm going to pray really hard for you tonight,
You: And I promise I will every single day.
Stranger: are you serious
You: Yes. I love praying. I talk to God every single night before I sleep. He's my bestfriend. I tell Him everything.
Stranger: please
Stranger: if you tell him
Stranger: make sure he understands that I am not doing this for myself
Stranger: not just me, but "us"
You: He knows. He knows everything.
Stranger: great
Stranger: you know this all started when I was younger
You: Oh my, really?
Stranger: when I was 5
Stranger: I got my first computer
Stranger: and mind just let loose
Stranger: suddenly I was free beyond penis and paper
Stranger: to explore
Stranger: to imagine
Stranger: I was so inspired
Stranger: that I made things and saved them
You: Wow!!
Stranger: I believe I still have them
Stranger: and I kept thinking to myself
Stranger: I remember
Stranger: that one machine
Stranger: those collections of parts
Stranger: changed who I am
Stranger: the way I do things
Stranger: and made such an impact on my life
Stranger: it came from a company in a box alright
Stranger: but it came from a business more importantly that somebody started because they love what they do
Stranger: it made me realize that I want to help people
Stranger: not only discover this new window in our century, but go out and do more and bring tools and new ideas to the world for everyone
You: <3>Stranger: life is very short
Stranger: there is no time to be living somebody elses life other than your own
Stranger: if you are strong and believe in who you are, you will go far
You: <3>Stranger: "Jason, you're one in a million and I've never had a student like you my entire teaching career"
Stranger: my whole life is full of people saying wow, unbelievable from arts to papers to science
Stranger: I just don't do my work
Stranger: I do my best work
Stranger: and thats just who I am
Stranger: why should I put myself down
You: Please... stay this way.
Stranger: teachers have fought to have me in their classes in high school!
Stranger: no joke
You: OMG
Stranger: they wanted me as their student after they heard about me
You: Are you kidding?
Stranger: no lies it was a joke
Stranger: usually it's the other way around
Stranger: they wanted to bring me into their classroom
Stranger: because I brought such light in a what many call a fixed environment these days which I will be changing in the future
Stranger: it should feel like we are not learning
Stranger: but rather we are at a level that is as natural as how we learned to walk and talk
Stranger: simple as that
You: <3>Stranger: one comment a teacher made to me
Stranger: my freshman year
Stranger: I will never forget
Stranger: and I really cried
Stranger: very close at least
Stranger: she was a newly wed woman and was teaching my freshman year english course and she said that she never met anyone like me before and that when she has kids, she wants them to be just like me
Stranger: who says that?
You: awww!
You: omg wow...
Stranger: I know
Stranger: it was wow
Stranger: and i didn't speak
Stranger: i couldn't
Stranger: my mouth just was open
Stranger: i will never forget her
Stranger: soo
Stranger: what do you want to chat about
You: well, i'm totally speechless hahaha.
Stranger: :)
You: :)))
Stranger: I think it's clear to you that one day you will be hearing about me in the news
Stranger: I never give up
You: <3>and won't until the day in which I leave this world
You: <3>I can't wait to talk to God tonight.
Stranger: and the best part of me which for some odd reason nobody can achieve
Stranger: is that I actually care
Stranger: from my heart to those who I encounter
Stranger: if I don't care and others don't care, who will
You: Very true
Stranger: we need to because it's so essential to our world
Stranger: :)
Stranger: yup
You: :)
Stranger: everything happens for a reason
You: i believe that
Stranger: and I have such a strong feeling that I will do something
Stranger: there are no doubts in my mine
Stranger: I see things
Stranger: that nobody else can see
You: What do you mean??
Stranger: and it's truly remarkable to my advantage, yet to everyone elses too
You: My heart just skipped a beat.
Stranger: really?
You: Yes. Idk why, that was weird lol.
Stranger: are you kidding
Stranger: wow
Stranger: you really do love me
Stranger: and i really like you
Stranger: so far
Stranger: you are appreciating me and respectful
Stranger: thats all I want
Stranger: I do not care about looks
Stranger: soo
You: Aww well you are sweet.
Stranger: thanks
Stranger: you too hun <3>beautiful person
Stranger: I can tell
You: Oh gosh, you haven't even seen me. And I really am not.
Stranger: why not?
You: Idk.. I'm just not.
You: But thankyou. You are sweet.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
I hope I didn't come across as flirty or trying to cheat on my prince, because I was conscious when I was talking to Jason. I hope it was okay to talk to him. I freak out about cheating, I really do. Emotional cheating is as terrible as physical cheating. I don't want to hurt any boy like that, so I hope I didn't say the wrong things in this conversation.
But my Lord, I want to find this kid again. Somewhere, somehow.I feel as if God wanted to show me something. I really, really, do.
I cannot wait to talk to Him tonight.
I have a feeling that good things are coming. You may think I'm silly, but Jason is for real. It's all too good to be lies.
Especially when my heart felt something and immediately dropped when we disconnected.
I'm leaving this post up for the rest of the week. I really want all of our hearts in this. I really, really, really want to find Jason. I can't believe we disconnected, I was truly sad.
Comment and pray.

Stripped

" I have feelings of depression, hopelessness, and desire to die when I start cutting. I don't cut myself to try to die. The first time I cut myself I was trying to kill myself: that is how I discovered the "positive" effects of cutting." -Male, age 17. 3 years SIB,college sophomore.

"I feel really comforted by it, as though I am squeezing the hurt from me in the posioned blood. After, I am upset that I let myself lose control."-female, age 21, 6 years SIB, college senior.

" Personally, I think cutting is a way of releasing emotions for people like me who have a lot of trouble with crying and expressive emotional things like that(note: I connected to this, because I cut when I can't cry, and have often thought of the intertwining symbolism of the saltiness of tears and blood.) I personally find I'll cut if I'm feeling empty inside... cutting is a simple way of feeling real and checking if you can still feel."-Male, age 19.

"I do it to stop thinking. The blood, the cutting gives me something else to look at and concentrate on. If I stop then the feelings I'm trying to block out come back. If I do if for long enough then when I'm done that is what I think about."- female, age 18, 2 years SIB, college student.

"I usually have some strong emotion. There is a sense of doing something about what I am feeling. Making the feeling go away is as important as it being gone. Aftewards I feel tired, physically and emotionally, as though there is nothing left in me." -male, 30 years 15 years SIB, Master's in statistics


"I don't know why I cut, but it scares the hell out of me."- female, age 33, SIB since teens, PH.D


Pray.

Total Bragworthy

Rasul is so very good to me.

From opening every single door in sight, pulling out every single chair, and complimenting every single dress that I wear for him, this boy makes everything the ultimate perfection. He even sings to me, darlings. He loves 'Crazier' by Taylor Swift.It's been a wonderful time. I've never been treated like such a princess before- this feeling is overwhelming. On Wednesday, Rasul called me in the morning, and gushed on how he wanted to surprise me by making dinner. He's trying to make our relationship better, after I had addressed the problems we were having and now, we are just even more happy and crazy for each other. Rasul is always so sweet, soft-spoken, and gentle. He never says "no" to me and never asks for anything more than just kissing. Always, always, always, this boy loves to hold hands.

That's all he really wants.

And we never part unless it's time to say goodbye.

He gave me his letterman jacket to borrow when it gets cold again. The jacket smells just like him.

Don't worry my darlings, I'm not going to spill out my love life all over this blog, because my blog is much more than that. I tell you girls and guys everything, anyway. Rasul tells me that he loves me all the time. He's very soft hearted. Things hurt him very easily. When I was upset with him one time, the boy was feeling crushed. He gave me an Ethiopian necklace to ameliorate things. But boys always do that, don't they? They always buy girls things to make everything better. My dad has been buying me, mother, and my sisters a lot of chocolate lately.Sweet summertime, I see my love quite alot. I still make time for other things and for my girls. Especially my girls. I love them so much. Evan gets jealous of Rasul and I. Sometimes, I find it difficult to please her, because the jealousy is apparent.But it hasn't changed anything at all. The girls like Rasul a lot as well as my mother. She adores him. My sister Caroline calls him her big brother. The fact that everything is going so well, just scares me to death.

&& I find it kind of find if funny how my ex-boy, Brody now decides to apologize for everything and is trying to rebuild some sort of friendship. Stephanie's theory is that, Brody's just feeling bad because I moved on before him ,and he's hoping that I would wait around for him. It took that boy seven months to apologize to me, and he thought I was going to wait for that mess? Brody is acutally trying to move on quickly with Stephanie, but Stephanie is not buying any of it. He's trying to get my attention, and honestly, I'm too happy with the prince, so none of that fazes me at all.

I pray about our relationship a lot and my 11:11 prayers(not wishes) are usually used on that.(But not always) Rasul and I are comfortable with each other. He once told me that he can be himself around me. We share food and eat from the same chocolate strawberries and icecream scoops. I'm not scared of germies when I'm with him.

Even on my "not so pretty hair days" the boy doesn't treat me any different. He still smiles at me, hold my hand, and compliments me. He doesn't care how I look, he just loves me for me.

This afternoon, Rasul wanted to take me shopping, but I couldn't because I had too many little things to do. He was disappointed and he sent a text that said,"I miss you." We saw each other on Wednesday and that was all, because he had to work. I can't see each other getting "burned out." The chemistry and the friendship is much too real. Evan thinks that Rasul and I are the typical television, highschool couple. Everything is just friendly, pure, and cute. Just like Troy and Gabriella. They're my favorite highschool couple on television. Oh my, I sound so stupid right now.

I'm not attached though. No, really we're not. We both have other things going on.

It's funny...

I have always thought that Rasul is the hot photographer/model and band geek that was simply too good for me. The fact that he's just as tenderhearted and wanting to be with me, is quite incredible. Who knew? It was either prom that opened our eyes, or the we were blocking the chemistry from each other the whole time this past school year, hahaha.

That is all, my loves.

"Goodnight, Rose. I love you."