I miss you

I cannot believe I've been gone for this long.

My deepest apologies. A lot has been going on in my life this past now, and more than half of them are just nightmares. Schoolwork included.

My family's torn apart. My father made a huge mistake and we will never be the same again. He broke my heart.The pain in my heart feels so real. I remember that day last week when I was in hysterics because the pain was growing in my chest like a monster, I remember clutching to it. My family has always been dysfunctional, but this time my father has crossed the line. I don't even want to speak to him anymore. Again and again, he pulls the victim card and makes all of us feel low and emotionally and verbally abused. I can't take it anymore. My mother wants to leave, and so do my sisters and I.

Enough is enough. Can I call you my father now?

I cannot free myself from the pain and anger that I feel towards him. I don't even want to.

There is no where for us to go.

My dad claims that he pays for everything and that we should appreciate him more because he worked hard to get a raise and blah blah, all that crap I don't even care about. Does all of that really matter? I mean, who else is suppose to pay for school tuition and bills? You're the parent!

I am sick with rage of how my father treats my mother. I have NEVER seen such disgusting disrespect in my life. How dare you, daddy?

I can remember everything that he said last week. I can write them down and the quotes can become the book that shocks the world.

I am deeply disturbed that my little sister is witnessing such emotional and verbal horror. No, my father has not laid one finger on any of us, but he has done things that feel as if he left bruises on our hearts. My mother is so strong. I don't know what I'll do without her. My loves, I wish to tell you what has happened last week, but not right. It's much too much.

Moving on to a lighter subject, I am here to announce that school has really been taking over my life. (Hence my long absence.) I am so occupied that I can hardly attend my weekday workouts. Talk about getting extrememly fat! And prom is in a month. Micah surprisingly did not ask me. Actually, not a lot of guys take interest in me-more like none. The boys who have taken interest are all outside of school. I asked my friend who goes to school downtown(aka. the hot photographer) and he said yes. :) His name is Rasul and he's very nice and extrememly good-looking. It was my mother's idea to ask him and I'm glad she brought me to it. I'm getting my dress today, finally.
Thankyou for listening.

Look at that photograph. Isn't that girl so breathtakenly goregous? Gawd, I wish I looked like that.

I've lost it all

My writing.
I've lost it all.
I have no talent, no strength.
Feverishly, I scribble down my ideas on paper and when I try to elaborate, there is nothing.
I've lost it all.
I can't write.
Blank.
No talent, no talent at all.

Happy Birthday Baby!

Happy Birthday blog!

This blog has brought me such joy in the past two years. Seriously. I would not have met so many wonderful readers, including a soul sister. Although my posts have somewhat ceased, I do hope that I have some loyal readers around. I don't receive a lot of comments anymore. I guess it's quite annoying to visit a blog that hardly updates. Sorry, loves. I'm a junior in highschool and a cheerleader. School takes ample amount of time and cheerleading takes the time that I don't have. It's totally insane. Anyway, I'm spending the weekend at my cousin's dorm at the University of Georgia, and I'm having a blast! I absolutely love college and the boys are extremely attractive as well!

Philophobic

And so..
Life goes on.
Junior year has been the worst year of my life. From extreme(and I mean, extreme) school stress to family, my life has been horrendously and bitterly unlucky. Things are slightly getting better now. Cheerleading is finally over and I get to study more, rest, and of course write to you, my readers.
I've missed you dearly.
I promise I will blog more starting next week. I cannot wait for the summer. I will be free- well, not really. College applications, great fun. I'm applying to Emory and Georgia Tech so far. I already have my academic plan all. I am going to major in psychology, minor in Spanish(such a beautiful language. I adore learning and speaking it so much) and go onto law school, and print model part time. I want to make something out of myself. I refuse to back out and settle for the "less and easy." God and school are my main focus. Especially God. He never ever lets me down.

It's Lent and I have given up eating meat until Easter. It's been so very, very, difficult. By the way,Micah and I are not dating. People began to talk and ask me and my friends if I were dating Micah. It was quite irritating. Some of the girls even began to make fun of me, because I was having a "thing" (Yeah... not really) with Micah. Too make a long story short, Micah became very clingy and obsessive.I can't deal with that,I have no patience for clingy guys. Naturally, I love space. A boy doesn't have to call me and text me at very blessed hour. Micah is a wonderful friend to have, though. I can't lose that. Micah has had a rough time, and he really doesn't have any friends. He told me that I'm really the only person he can talk to.

I value friendships too much. But the boy kept treating me as if I were his girlfriend and I had to confront him about this demeanor.I don't like to put people done like that(especially when romantic feelings are involved in some way) but it had to be done. I'm so sick of these stupid flings and such. Seriously, let's just be friends. Friendship is one of the most precious gifts on earth. Many people underestimate it's powerful warmth and glow. Besides, love is and will always be a fail for me. I just can't seem to get it right. But that's quite alright. I don't need it and I don't care. I have ample amount of time for that. Speaking of friendship, one of my bestfriends, Zach Knight and I have been getting really close to each other lately. We've known each other since we're 12 and now we're 17. It's a lovely story and I MUST tell you all later.

Brody is talking to me again. Isn't that funny? I wonder what he wants. He hasn't spoken to me in three months and just about two weeks ago, he starts texting me like it's no big deal. "What up, Rose it's been a long time."

My blog anniversary is on Saturday. Two years!
Wow.

17 Confessions

I celebrated my 17th birthday on a rainy day, Feburary 5.
It was such a lovely day.
When I opened my locker, I was immediately greeted by a dozen pure white roses, a ballon, and a card from Micah. I couldn't thank him enough. As he watched my face glow, he gazed at me with longing eyes. "I'm so glad you love them, Rose. I know those are your favorite flowers. I bought a dozen,you see? It took the florist two weeks to find them." I was utterly amazed and thoroughly flattered. White roses are the flowers of the Virign Mary and they signify purity. That is my reason why I adore them so much. The girls who were around all cooed and gasped when they saw me cradle the bouquet in my arms. "Micah! One of them shrilled. "Did you get those for her? Aww you're so sweet!" A couple of girls approached me in the hallways and asked if Micah and I we were dating. I laughed and repiled with an innocent, "no." In Church History class, Savanna raised her eyebrows and said,"He loves you, Rose. Seriously. Like, oh my gosh, a dozen freaken roses?! Let me read the card."
Happy 17th Birthday, Rose.
You have no idea how much I value the deep connection that we have, nor how much it is a blessing to me.The best is yet to come!
Micah.
P.S- Can't wait for the monastery!
I read his message three times, staring at his boyish cursive. I was thrilled and feel so special. A guy has never, ever, made such an effort for me. Micah had arrived to school very early to put the roses in my locker. He wanted to get there before I did.
After school, he was waiting by my locker. We hugged again and as usual he departed with a smile saying, "I'll call you later."
My girls took me out for dinner and a movie for my birthday.(Dear John was quite disappointing I must say...) It was so much fun. We drove around blasting Boys Like Girls, Cobra Starship, and Lady Gaga. I love my friends with all of my heart. We really needed that g.n.o. After our night out, I arrived home around eleven and I put my roses in a vase. My mother was quite pleased. "Aw how sweet, she cooed. Wow, some adults don't even do this. Does he have a job?"
"No, I laughed. "This was probably quite expensive. I mean, white roses don't even bloom at this time of year. " My mother chuckled. "Go and show your father." I smiled and proceeded to his office. My dad was taken aback. "What?! Who's the boy?!"
Oh fathers... :)
I received a lot of phone messages, including one from Hunter. It was very sweet."Hey Rose, this is Hunter. Anyway, I was justing calling to wish you a Happy Birthday, and I hope you have a great one. I wish I can see you to wish you a real one, but the best I can do is call you. You know I love you and you can call me anytime."
I love being seventeen already. I feel like so many brand new happy things are coming along.
Man.
I feel so disconnected from this blog. I'm sorry my posts have been minimal and boring. I've just been so incredibly busy this semester. I don't even get sleep on the weekends. Oh and how's very dissatified with the Super Bowl this year? I AM FOR SURE. Number one, the Colts deserved the win much for then the Saints.(Who dat? Wow... seriously. That's obnoxious ha) and number two, the commericals were absolutely terrible! Anyway, back to the sleep deprivation schedule.. oh Mondays.
Why do we make our lives so dull sometimes?

I haven't forgotten you

Oh my.
It's been quite some time, hasn't it?I love this blog with all my heart-honestly, I do. Time is a factor. Schoolwork has piled up, cheer is really starting to drag down my schedule, and well, life continues to move on and bring me problems. My readers, I am going to try to update every week at least once. I feel so strangely disconnected from you all, and it's seriously bothering me right now. I need to make an effort.
Things have changed.

No more Hunter. My dad forbids me to see him because of his mohawk. You don't know how terribly upset I was before. Hunter wants to see me again and really, I'm just really tired of reciting the whole story. It's alright, now. Yes, my dad is way out of line here, but there isn't anything I can do. There are many, many, ways that Hunter and I could sneak around but it's just not worth it. Maybe one day when my dad finally realizes that hair is "just hair" we could see each other again. As of right now, I've moved on from the angry feelings and lost my quickly acquited feelings for Hunter. We talk and text quite a bit. And surprisingly, the more I talk to him, the more I realize that Hunter really isn't for me. Why?
He's not Troy. I can't be his girl.

Oh woes me, the Queen of Flings. That's what Evan and I call ourselves. We would like to be in a relationship- not a serious one-just real teenage love. Valentine's Day is going to be horrible just like any other year. I've never had a real Valentine.
"Have you talked to your daddy yet? I really want to see you again."

Things in the family are just absolutely disgusting. There's a flaming family feud going on between my father and my unlce and aunt. It saddens me, really. I can see the anger and hate blazing in my father's eyes whenever he speaks of the verbal fights. My mom is sick of my dad's outrageous temper.

I'm losing my confidence in school and cheerleading. My grades are just fine as of right now, but I want to do better. I'm always sleep deprived. Cheerleading is biting me in the butt and I want the season to end at this moment. The games were a lot of fun this weekend, considering the fact there were two very special people in the stands watching me cheer. My coaches and some of the other girls on the squad are always getting onto me about something. I am such a terrible cheerleader. I probably won't letter this year and my college cheer dreams are wearing out. I think modeling would be something I'm looking into pursuing as a parttime career. I have my first audition/interview on Tuesday! I received a wonderful call yesterday after school. :) I am very happy.

My friend Alyssa is pregnant. She's doing very well and I'm praying for her. She's very excited for her baby boy and I'm going to be there for her. Keep Alyssa in your prayers as well. Pregnancy is a wonderful gift, but since she is so young, things are going to get pretty hectic. I'm worried. I can't imagine myself carrying another beating heart inside of me. At this moment, that frigthens me to death.

I've made a wonderful, wonderful, new friend over the MLK weekend. His name is Micah, but in my heart I call him 'Troy in the making.'

That's how lovely he is inside. He has this heart-firing love for Jesus that it makes me melt. I'll tell you everything about him later on.

I've always seen Micah around at school. He looks like my first love, Chris Angel. (I'm sure many of my old readers remember him.)I've always thought he had an adordable face. There is a Sadie Hawkins dance coming up in a few weeks for basketball Homecoming. Mel thinks that I should ask Micah to the dance, but I'm not too sure if I want to attend.

My 17th birthday is next friday- The fifith of Febuary. It's Friday night, and I'm going to be out with my girls. Micah wanted my locker combination, because he has planned a surprise for me. He also has a song for me on the piano and he's recording it. I get to see it live on my birthday in the school band room. :)

Prom is in April and I've done some small planning. I'm going to start dressing shopping next month. I have a layout of everything I need. One problem is finding a fellow or getting asked by a fellow. I have an ample amount of time. I also have my prom photoshoot planned out as well. I thinking of sigining up for a prom model search.

Expect another update early Friday morning.

Hunter

Hunter smells really nice.
I like him.
The date went really, really, well. We went to watch the movie called, 'Avatar.' Throughout the movie, I caught Hunter turn his head to gaze at me, and I couldn't help but smile. He made me laugh and he wore my favorite color to make me smile. "See? he said, unzipping his jacket, and revealing a pale pink polo. "That's why I asked you what your favorite color was. I wanted to wear it for you."Isn't that lovely? :) How thoughtful. Hunter was gentlemen. And like a gentlemen, he had offered to pick me up from my house, but my parents wouldn't allow it. Hunter texted me fifteen minutes before my arrival,saying that he was excited to see me. Hunter has a very attractive face, but his mohawk is bit too extreme. My father is ridiculous, and he doesn't want me to be around the boy. "I don't want people think that my daughter is a 'groupie' and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable." (Groupie? What the frick is that? And did I say I was uncomfortable? Quit putting words in my mouth, Daddy. He's not a thug for crying out loud!)

My mom was impressed with how he introduced himself to her, but his extreme hairstyle caught her off guard. "He's a very bright and polite young man and he was dressed nicely too,my mother had stated, as we watched Hunter trail off to his stunning red mazda mx-5. "But his hair gives people the wrong idea about him, you know?" Hunter really is an attractive guy. He was worried that my parents wouldn't like him, because of his hair. While we were strolling aroudn the mall, he had inquired if my parents minded that I'm out on a date with a white guy. I just had to laugh. "No, they really don't mind, I chuckled. " My sister's boyfriend is white.It doesn't matter at all. We welcome everybody. Hunter smiled. "That's good, same with my parents. They don't care either."

I wish he would grow out his hair, because when he had before, his blue eyes stood out much more beautifully. Sure, people were staring at us at the movies, but I can honestly say that it didn't bother me at all. Who cares, really! They can can judge us all they want. I don't know them, so therefore I do not care.I'm deciding not to get worked up about his hair, and just give the guy a chance. Hunter is such a sweet person and he likes me. My dad is bitter about him and I must say, I have never been so pissed off with my father in my life. Yes, yes, of course I will ask Hunter what made him change his hair, and discuss how the style may send people the wrong idea, but I'm not going be a snob and turn him away.

Whether Mr. Valentine likes it or not, I'm seeing Hunter this weekend, and many more weekends after that. He did not want me to go on the date, after he explored Hunter's pictures of his mohawk on facebook. Even mother surprised me by saying that she would not have let me go if she had seen his hair beforehand. I told you, my darlings. My parents are snobs. (More so my dad, then my mom though) This is not even serious, my goodness! We're just being flirty teenagers.
Hunter said that he wants to take me out for lunch and for me to meet his mommy. :)