Insecurity

Ugly.Ugly.Ugly.Ugly.Ugly.Ugly. Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Oh, why aren't I tall enough?I wanna be blonde, maybe he'll notice me. Look at my thighs, they're huge.I'm too skinny. Skinny. Skinny. Skinny. I want bigger boobs. Bigger boobs. Bigger boobs. I'm too flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. I look gross today. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. I'm an idiot, I wish I were smarter. I'm stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it. I'm not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. No one loves me. No one. No one. No one No one. Why is she prettier than me? Prettier. Prettier. She's prettier, prettier than me. I wanna be big like him. Like him. Like him. I hate my body. Body. Body. Body. Of course he gets all the girls. He's better than me. Better than me. Better than me. Better than me. I fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.Fail. I don't want to lose. Lose. Lose. I'm going to lose. Lose. Lose. Lose.Lose.Lose. I'm too weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. He'll never look at me twice. Never. Never. Never. Never. I'll never find the one. The one. The one. The one. I never get what I want. Want. Want. Want. Want. Want. Want. Want. Want. Want. I give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. No one's going to ask me to the dance. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. I suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. I'm going to mess this up. Mess. Mess. Mess. Mess. Mess. Mess. Mess. Mess. She's going to leave me. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. I can't handle this. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't.
Look at that garbage. Is that what we're telling ourselves on a daily basis?
Gawd.
Just think about it.

Little Girl

Rose Valentine is such a baby.
This summer, I have brought out my inner little girl. It's not for show, that is just who I am. I'm a crazy girly girl with a wild heart. I'm the kind of girl who dreams to be a pageant princess and who loves Barbie dolls.(I don't own anymore though, ha.) && I wish girls would stop calling themselves, "barbie." Seriously? What's so beautiful about looking plastic? It's such an immature and false ego booster, and it's extremely irritating to me. Anyway, I still adore teaparties and fairytale stories. Anything that has glitter or sparkles catches my eye in a heartbeat. You know that picture of that really pretty girl on my previous post? I want her dress so very badly. I think it's fun to be girlt, you know? I guess really don't want to face the fact that in a year, I'm collegebound and that I'm growing up way too quickly. Towards the end of summer, my bestfriend Evan and I, are hosting a princess tea and pool party. It's such a cute and fun idea, and my girls have all agreed to take part. I have so many cute ideas, the party is going to be a success! Rasul's a photographer, so he can stop by briefly and take pictures of me and the girls! Then I can make an adorable scrapbook out of that!Each girl is required to wear a pink t-shirt, blue jeans, capris, or shorts, and a tiara.
Evan and I indulged our girlish appetities at Claire's club, and as the hostesses we are getting matching wands. I don't know why, but these kinds of things entertain me. It's so much fun being girly. When I grow up, I'm going to be a "pink" lawyer just like Reese Witherspoon's 'Legally Blonde.' I won't wear pink all the time, because people may not take me seriously, ha.
I also enjoy coloring as well. I get bored easily when I'm at home(that's why I make a lot of plans so I can get out of the house everyday!) so that's what I do besides going on facebook and all that. Coloring is becoming one of my pasttimes. Finding new hobbies are kind of like adventures in my life. I always discover something new. I have also discovered that I really enjoy classical music and anything vintage. I'm starting to fall asleep to country music... I love it. Keith Urban is amazing.
Ah. Such a pointless post, but I DO miss my comments. I feel as if the blogging world is falling asleep. Life's busy, but I will never stop blogging. I know I have readers out there.I want to keep this blog up in college and throughout. Wouldn't that be nice?

Embrace

Isn't that a pretty little thing?
I don't envy her though. She's gorgeous yes, with a cute figure but I embrace my curves. I'm a skinny gal, but I'm not ashamed of my booty. I'm African, that's what I was given. There are several things on my body that I don't like. I wish my eyes were a lighter shade of brown and that I wouldn't have to use hair extenstions so I can feel pretty. I also wish my breasts would grow faster, because compared to girls my age(I'm seventeen ) I'm not fully developed. I'm small breasted and that doesn't run in the family. My mother thinks that all of my cheerleading training and kickboxing delayed part of my development and probably finish in college. I hope so. I know breast size doesn't matter, but I want to feel pretty too. I don't know, my darlings. I'm a silly girl. You don't need big breasts to feel pretty.I'm not flat, just small. There are also a lot of things that I like about my body. My arms and legs are toned, and my stomach stays flat, which is a blessing. I embraced my petite height wholeheartedly.
I shouldn't be fussing over my body. My mom says that I'm too fussy. I fear when I enter the modeling industry, I'll be too harsh with my body. It happens.
It's totally possible.
Embrace yourselves, darlings. What do you like about body?

Your delicate rose petals

My first summer night, I spoke of my dreams, the delicacy of them all and my heart's deepest desires.
Each year, I come up with impossible summer goals, but this time is much more realistic. My time in highschool is almost done, and I want have the best time of my life. I'm a young princess, why shouldn't I?
I would love, more than anything to be a pageant queen and a print model. I adore hair, makeup, and beautiful gowns and tiaras. My mother thinks pageants are silly, and yes they are but they look so much fun to me. Hopefully, I'll get my position as an employee at Hollister & Co and then throughout the summer and beginning of the school year, I can save up. Rasul has been working on modeling as well, and we are going to start something together. I have many friends who have taken in interest in modeling as well. My old friend Holly, wants to start something as well. It's all so exciting, my loves. Our dreams are so delicate.
That is why, when they crumble, it's another heartbreak.
I have always been a girl full of big, big, dreams. I want to be just like Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde. Believe me when I say this.
I'm a silly girl.
It's been a while since I've shared my personal things with you, my loves. I will tell you that things have truly changed... for the better. Not anything major, or life changing, but oddly enough, life is treating me with truffles and roses. I wonder if I'm caught in a trap that's gently dragging me in with soft claws. I'm afraid it is so...
The only person who can destroy it is well, my own father, the man who has brought hell to my world.
Hell.
He's anger, his second infidelity, his selfishness... Lord. I have never felt such resentment. I find it difficult to utter words as simple as, "Hello daddy good morning." We have no relationship now. In my mind, I question him constantly. My trust meter with people in general, is all wacked up. But I shouldn't let my father's mistakes take over my life like this. Thus begins my journey to move on.
I sound harsh, bitter, and awful but I have no problem spilling out my guts on here. I just want you to understand that the man in my life has truly recked everything that the family's got and it'll take years and years to repair. Of anything, I just want my father to leave my mother alone and go off somewhere. I'm trying, my darlings.
I am trying so hard to forgive the words and actions that has given my world the most terrible earthquake.
The Lord gives me hope.

Losing

Why am I losing my followers?
Yes, of course...
My lack of updates are the sources to this problems. I apologize.
For the billionth time.
Life is busy and I like to keep my life busy. And my school is very demanding with academics.
All my time and energy at home is spent with smelly books and killing my brain with concepts that I don't need nor care about. Then of course, I'm either with Rasul and/or my friends. But anyway, all that craziness will end on Wednesday at noon.
Summer is here at last.
And daily blogging.
There is so much you need to know.

The Little Notes from Rose Valentine Part One

When things get too happy, too good, too splendid, too wonderful...
Something's cleary wrong.
Life's sweetest pleasures can have the most terrible aftertastes.
This is how my heart is beating at this moment- it is beating in it's happiest pace.
So scary.
I feel as if I'm falling in too deep so soon, so quickly. Can you make it stop please? Thankyou.

Teenage Rose-Intro

After Spring Break, clearly I've been unbelieveably busy.
My apologies, honestly. I hope you, my fellow readers have not stopped checking on the blog on a frequent basis. This horrible school year finally ends on the 26th of May. I'm elated, estatic for summer. Things have gotten much better. I had my first prom on the 24th with the most amazing guy and I now have "B's" in chemistry and math. (Honestly, math and anything that deals with math gives me much trouble) And somehow, like an unrealistic daydream, I am now in a relationship with a great guy. Rasul. He was my prom date. :) I think there were something in those dim lights on the dancefall that caused him to draw me closer to him. Very comical.