Falling White Roses

How Highschool Changed My Life

2011-08-01T02:16:00.006-04:00

Freshmen Year:

August 2007, I was the happiest girl on the planet.

Why?

Because I got accepted into the best highschool in the world, and all my hardwork in middle school had paid off. I was so ready for the next four years of my life. I remember putting on that uniform skirt, buttoning my polo, and tying those silly Saddle shoes. Gosh, so many memories.

Remember my first day so well. The weather was gorgeous, my hair was curled, and I could hardly eat breakfast. That day I couldn't find my friends so I ate lunch with a bunch of grumpy Sophomores. That day was one of the highlights of my freshmen year.

Why?

I already found my new bestfriends- Mel, Maggie, Alexis, and Evan. I met Mel, Alexis, and Evan, at a summer camp and Maggie on the first day of school. Highschool is about finding your bridesmaids, right?

Already got 'em.

Freshmen year was a party. And I loved being in a Catholic private school as well. I made so many new friends and was really trying to find a new place and a new identity. I ditched glasses for contacts, converse for ballet shoes, and I was slowly but surely coming out my shell.

And of course finding you, the blogworld.

Soundtrack of Freshmen Year:(Can't remember much)

1.Crank Dat Soulja Boy

2. Flyleaf Album: All Around Me

3. Seven Days Without You- Teddy Geiger

4. Stronger by Kanye West

5.Love Song- Sara Barielles

Sophomore Year

This is the first year that I officially met Lady Mascara and Madam Foundation. Makeup was rapidly becoming my dependence. I felt girly, thus I felt happy. I also had this strange obession with hair bows because I wanted to become a cheerleader so very badly. I was viciously teased by one "friend'', but I didn't care. I didn't wear bows to please anyone but myself. I eventually did get into cheer and tumble outside of school and I enjoyed it. Although, my mother is fully convinced that because of tumbling I lost most of my boobs. Having Obama elected was pretty awesome as well. I come from a Democratic family in general and it's pretty cool that Obama is the first black president! But most importantly I've discovered something far more incredible, beautiful, pretty, gorgeous, amazing...

God's love.

I would go to holy Mass on Sundays and just simply go through the motions- pray, sit, kneel, stand, "Peace be with you", etc. My heart was not really into the Mass as much as it should of have been. I needed a push, a shove, something that would shake me until tears would spill out my eyes. And I got that. Right on my Confirmation retreat in September 2008. I have described my amazing experience consistently on here. Camp Covecrest, the place where life is just so beatuiful and full of God's love... where all you do is praise and worship with your brothers and sisters in Christ.

That's exactly how life is supposed to be.

I came back home with the most incredible spiritual high, immense joy, and everlasting mirth. That's how I am most of the time. Because of Covecrest, I am a much sweeter person. I am more patient, and make God the absolute center. My sophomore year diary only consists of letters to God. I love that diary dearly.

This year was also the year I met my first love, my first kiss, my first date- Chris Angel(no not the Magician guy). I've talked about him alot on here also. Although our relationship has been in the past, I will always have a place in my heart for him. No matter how much it hurt at the end.You can never get rid of your first love. It's impossible, really.

Soundtrack of Sophmore Year:

1. "God of This City"-Chris Tomlin

2. "I wanna be"- Chris Brown

3."Love Story-Mariah Carey

4."Angel"- Jack Johnson

5."Banana Pancakes"-Jack Johnson

6."Forever"-Chris Brown

7."Forever"-Edison Glass

8."Such a State-Edison Glass

9."I Wonder"- Kanye West

10."Big Brother-Kanye West

11."Just Dance"- Lady Gaga

12. "Closing Down the Pattern Deparment- Daphne Loves Derby

13. Simple, yet starving to be safe- Daphne loves Derby

14."Best I ever had- Drake

15. Boom Boom Pow-Black Eyed Peas

16. Starstruckk-30h!3

17. "Yes We Can"- Naked Brothers Band

18."You Belong With Me"- Taylor Swift

19." Day N' Nite"- Kide Cudi

Junior Year

Worst year.

End of story.

Stress, stress, stress, stress and more stress. Besides officially exploring the world of modeling,I made the cheerleading squad and ended up being miserable. Chemistry class was my nightmare, and my family suddendly went down to shambles. My parents need a divorce, honestly. Too many things happened. I'm so thankful to have really great friends around and religion teachers around. I'm so glad I have my faith to hang on to. Those family hardships taught me many valuable lessons and it will affect me for the rest of my life. Since those experiences are so personal, I rather not elaborate on here solely because this is the internet.

My first prom was great. My date, Ralph suddenly became my boyfriend (now ex) and then that following summer Ralph turned out to be gay, I finally obtained a driver's license, and went to my first official highschool house party and hated it.

Soundtrack of Junior Year:

1. "Meet me halfway"- Black Eyed Peas

2. Drake's Album: Thank Me Later

3. Janita songs

4. "Paint Me Over"- Amerie

5."Love is Here"- Tenth Avenue North

6."Say Something"-Drake

7."Stillness Is the Move"-Dirty Projectors

8."I'm Ready"-Alicia Keys

9."Summer Nights"-Rascal Flats

10."Worry About You"- 2am Club

11."Clarity"-John Mayer

12."Party In Your Bedroom"

Senior year and Now

FANTASTIC. And it went by so fast! The college application process was stressful and things got real and emotional at the end of the year. Leaders of the school,us seniors turned heads with our designed senior sweaters, t- shirts, pranks, and confidence. It was so much fun.( Graduation was absolutely beautiful.) And I met the most incredible guy on this earth who I am currently in love with. Literally, for the first time I have truly fallen in love and it's the glorious feeling. He is my bestfriend. I've been through some heavy family stuff and he's been on my side all along. He didn't bail, he stayed. His name is Brad, Brad Incredible. I also had a life altering experience- finding out that I have an older brother living in South Carolina. I was so shocked, hurt, surprised, and happy that I have an older brother because I've always wanted one, but the fact that he was literally kept away from my sisters and I is hurtful and mindblowing. My sisters and my brother do not have a clear reason why he was kept away. We have yet to find out the reason. I cannot believe my sisters and I went through are whole lives not knowing that there's another memeber out there wanting to see us and meet us and love us so very badly. I just pray that I will have a much better home life when I create my own family.

I got my first job (model position at Hollister & Co and finally my first car!(A 2000 black Lexus suv!) And phone calls from different agencies.

I am in love with my highschool. It's seriously the best school I have ever been to, and I am completely blessed. I have met some of the most amazing people inside and out of my school. And most importantly, my highschool experience changed me.

Actually, for the better.

I am stronger, wiser, and more confident then I was when I first walked through those golden gates.

Soundtrack(TOP 18. THERE ARE TOO MANY SONGS)

1. "Good Evening"- Mac Miller

2. "Boys of Fall"- Kenny Chesney

3. "Dirt Road Anthem"- Jason Aldean

4. "Rocketeer"-Far East Movement

5."Still Got It"-Drake

6."You Give Me Something"-James Morrison

7. "Only Exception"-Paramore

8. "Party Rock Anthem"-LMFAO

9."All Black Everything"-Lupe Fiasco

10." O Children"-Nick Cave

11. "Moment For Life"Nicki Minaji

12."I Wish"-Skee Lo

13."Only You Can Love Me This Way"-Keith Urban

14."If I Die Young"- Lady Antebellum

15."Hold It Down"-J. Cole

16."You Are"-Charlie Wilson

17."All My Life"-KC& Kojo

18. Gosh... can't choose haha.

I'm so ready for my brand new story.

Thankyou, Highschool.

Thankyou for showing me things that I needed to see, realizing that things in this world require hardwork and people aren't always nice. Thankyou for throwing me obstacles, for the tears I shed over academics, the stupid boy troubles, and cutting out the people out of my life that were not meant to be. Thankyou for the wonderful dances, the football games, the sleepovers...

Thankyou for everything.

Thankyou for the memories.

A brand new story

2011-07-28T14:04:00.002-04:00

So summer has come and gone.

I'll be attending college in three weeks. It's amazing. I've had this blog for all of highschool, and I still have it for college. Sure, I haven't updated in months, days, and that's because I've had many things going on and of course, enduring the most intense writer's block I have ever had. I also believe that the blog world is slowly dwindling down.

I don't like that.

I now have a new goal- never stop blogging. I now have a brand new story.

As of right now, I am launching my modeling career one day at a time. It isn't easy, and boy it's an investment, but it's totally worth it. I have a really big shoot coming up very soon. Besides that, I've declared myself officially and ludicrously in love. It'll be seven months next week. I couldn't be happier.

And now marks the beginning of my brand new story.

I'm still here...

2011-05-10T14:45:00.001-04:00

I just need a little inspiration.

A push, or better yet a shove.

A real hard one.

Prayer for the Broken Hearted

2011-03-27T17:32:00.002-04:00

“God, you care deeply for broken-hearted people. This is a promise you make: You are close. We pray for all those who are crippled by broken relationships. Our hearts take the blow of disappointment. We feel crushed because our hopes are dashed. God, heal broken hearts. We cannot fix our own wounds. But you can. If pieces of our heart have been lost, or are held captive by another, recover them and bring them back to us and miraculously “put us back together” so that our heart is whole again. You are a mender of broken hearts. We ask for this miracle, in the name of Jesus.”

You have no idea...

2011-03-03T20:00:00.003-05:00

How much highschool has changed me.

Want proof? Just check out my previous posts from three years ago.

I really want to elaborate on this, because it's so important and I want you readers to know. Soon, very soon when I have more time, I will speak up.

After all, you are my lovely strangers...

Who know me best.

Dear God

2011-03-01T21:14:00.002-05:00

Dear God,

I am just so happy to be alive.

Nothing amazing or extravagant has happened to me at the moment, but tonight I'm feeling really at ease. Peaceful...

I know good things are coming. I have faith in You. I have no doubt in my mind.

You know.

I wish I can see your beautiful face, Lord. I picture you as a gentle and loving Grandfather. When I'm feeling melancholy, I wish you had a cellphone. But I love prayer so much.

My heart loves it more.

My heart and I... well, we're two separate people. My mind takes over my body, and my heart takes over my soul. Does that make sense? My heart is the most powerful tool that is apart of me. It can override everything. Even the definition of my soul...

What is my soul? ...WHO am I, Lord?

I've been feeling so distant from You. I'm longing for You. I don't want to lose this... this....

18th Birthday

2011-02-05T09:01:00.002-05:00

I AM so happy.

AND excited.

I'm finally 18. God is SO good. Thankyou so much for giving me another year.

TODAY IS GOING TO BE AMAZING. 18th birthday on a Saturday? SUCH A GIFT.

February 3rd

2011-02-03T20:07:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about you alot. Yeah... you.

This blog here that I've had for nearly three years now. The twenty fifth will mark the date. I'm not letting this blog go, but I've come to terms that I honestly do not have much time to update frequently anymore. It's second semester senior year and there's still a lot things for me to do. I was terribly occupied last month and I will continue to be occupied. I love this blog though, to bits and pieces and I do appreciate my readers. I hope to pick up blogging when summer strikes up again. Ah summer. I'm so sick of this cold weather.

But anywho, I'm not necessarily going on a long 'hiatus'. I will update again. Maybe sometime next week, or the week after that I don't know...

Life has been pretty good. School is becoming a real drag. I'm getting closer and closer to my friends each day though, which would make leaving highschool even harder. I actually love highschool and I will hope to post a story about my highschool years. I'm graduating on May 14, and I'm fighting senioritis. My grades are alright, but I'm really trying to improve. I'm turning 18 in two days and today, I'm celebrating my first full month with a extremely special boy.

I have finally found Troy.

And yes, I think it's about time that I get rid of CHRISTMAS MUSIC on here. Lol:). I miss the holidays...

Dear December

2010-12-22T01:51:00.001-05:00

Dear December.

Well, aren't you just so beautiful?

It's Christmas, there's love, there's hope.

And guess what, December?

I think I've discovered myself.

I've lost two people who were in my life- one was a friend of a lifetime, and the other was more of a friend and he was a very bad, bad, egg. This bad egg was getting so rotten, that I really had to throw it out, because he was eating away my heart. However, I was not planning on breaking ties with a friend. I tried not to cry about it. All I can do is pray and hope everything's alright.

December, I've learned that I'm terribly sensitive. But I feel like that helps me be compassionate towards others. I've also learned that modeling has really made me self-conscious to the point that I'm constantly fussing over my makeup and appearance. It's sad, because I'm insecure. I even redo my makeup at school. I'm never really satisfied. But other than that, I'm feeling okay.

And December, I'm blessed with an angel. Seriously.Honestly. Truly...

Let's hope this isn't a trap.

My 11:11 wish...

Beautiful Christmas

2010-12-21T08:50:00.004-05:00

Gosh, there's so many things to do in this life God has blesses us with.

It's just simply so... beautiful.

I really wish I've realized this before. But God has been waiting for me to pour my heart into His. And I have....

All over again. It's the perfect feeling. So so so perfect.

Life is hitting me good. I'm graduating from highschool in five months. I must say, I will never ever forget these precious four years. I know as I get older, I would want them back. And I have so many dreams, goals, and ambitions that are hungrily lurking through my mind. They are ready to be born. But, I can't do anything without Christ. He gives me all strength. Make God your best friend, love.

It's the best feeling in the world.

I see a beautiful sunrise, sunset, or the glistening pouring rain and I smile from the beauty of it all...

It's God.

I am not an outdoors girl, and I will only go camping in a cabin, but I cannot deny that God's nature makes me think. Boy! When I see something pretty out there, my mind spins like a wheel with all sorts of memories. Even when I hear a pretty singing voice, I begin to think.I am aware that I think differently than most people.

My Christmas wish will be to never lose sight of Christ and His love.

Holiday Happiness

2010-12-20T10:31:00.002-05:00

I literally woke up this morning with a smile on my face.

I'm just feeling really happy, I'm enjoying life.

Everything's going wonderfully. I praise God everyday.

I got out of an unhealthy relationship by the grace of God and I couldn't be happier.

I am surrounded by friends who I love ever so dearly,and we're enjoying every bit of our senior year.

It's Christmas, loves.

Don't forget about Jesus.

I apologize for my lack of updates. Time is out of control. But now that I am on break, expect a lot more updates.

I promise.

Thankful

2010-11-24T18:53:00.000-05:00

Thankyou Mom and Dad for raising me into a young lady.

Thankyou sisters for making me smile and laugh every single day.

Love, thankyou for breaking my heart and making me stronger.

Highschool, thankyou for helping me see the good and the bad.

Most importantly, thankyou God for giving me this life to live. I love you so much. You have given me so many angels.

And life, thankyou for the adventures. I hope I have many more to come. I am the tackler on the field.

Bring it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm trying to blog more often now. I have so much to say and I don't want all the words to go away...

Fifteen

2010-11-13T08:23:00.003-05:00

Take me back to fifteen when my life was such perfect bliss.

I want to experience this feeling again.

I truly found God and I received many blessings after that. My life has never been the same since.

I want to find that deep relationship with Christ again. It's going to take work. I haven't been going to church every Sunday, which is a first. That's not me at all. I'm getting distracted.

I can't handle fallouts. You are aware of them, I assume?

I'm not having a falling out with Christ, I'm just having problems putting my heart out in church. When I'm at a service, little things are racing in my mind. I can't focus. I can't feel the soft music. I wish I can change the Catholic church. We need to have more soul in our words, music, and praise. I need something that would shock, draw me to tears, and relieve me.

I just need another getaway at a camp. Some self-reflection and quiet time.

Aren't we all struggling?

I'm back

2010-11-12T23:57:00.005-05:00

I have heartburn.

I'm burning my own heart.

I thought second chances were the best and sweeter than the first.

My "fantasy" world is creating me a bittersweet reality. One second, I'm drooling, gazing, and falling head over heels and then a few moments later, I'm positively ticked because he said something or did something rather stupid.

He claims he's changing. I'm either blind or he's not changing at all. I see he has become more honest, but when things don't go his way, he's dramatic. Everything is still one-sided with him.

Therefore, I see no change.

But when I see him, everything feels brand new. We can't stay cross with each other for very long, which is a rather good thing.

I wonder if all of this is even worth it. Perhaps I expect too much, I'm "nitty picky" at what is bad and stale. Do I not praise him enough? Of course, I do. I adore this fellow and he knows it. He adores me as well, but when it comes to compromise, he desires his own ways.

Typical behavior? That is how my dad acts towards my mother. Maybe that's how men are.

*Shrugs.*

Sorry. I'm not trying to generalize..

Alright, fine love. I'll be gone like the wind.

It's as if I'm just in "it" just to feel something like love... as if it can't come again.

I don't know, but this is making me angry. There's one flaw that I cannot accept of myself: I never know what my heart is saying. Never.

I'm back, loves.

Senior year has been rather different. I'm very busy with my life, but I still think about this blog. I actually fear it, because I know I am no longer an active blogger and I know some of my readers are giving up. Don't worry. Why would I let this go? And you can always contact me at, jesusinyoureyes@gmail.com

I love emails.

You're throwing away your youth

2010-10-13T18:18:00.005-04:00

He was taking sip after sip and his eyes gave off a funny glow.
Girls on the floor, laughing hysterically,breathless and losing their place.
No music playing expect for the voices,shouts, and screams of the drunken folks.
These kids dare to take their keys and head off into the streets, past curfew and taking a chance.
And here I am, just watching.
I think. "Is this how they do it? Just drink, past out, and do it again the next night and the night after that?"
Boy sweet talking girl in the corner. Her face blushing with flattery, the boy's voice full of lies and insincerity.
Dangerous. I watch his claws crawl up to her neck, drawing her close.
They drink because it makes them lose control. Alcohol literally drowns down the pain and clogs the soul with false happiness. Why do our minds search for something less fullfilling, giving into the lies of our society?
Because, it's easy. It's much too simple to be drawn into those falsehoods. They show up on billboards, magazines,the internet...everywhere.
We can't plaster our hearts onto that. It hurts too much.
"I want you to wake up and see Christ shining through your window, to find the answer of how the wind blows, to hear your favorite song on the radio, and to feel right at home."

Stick with me

2010-09-29T22:15:00.002-04:00

I have some things going on right now.

I apologize,but I simply don't have the time right now. I can't promise tomorrow or for the rest of the week. Everyday is booked,especially this weekend.

Please understand...

Stick with me.

I won't let you down next time.

I love this blog far too much to depart.

Busy

2010-09-28T20:03:00.003-04:00

Writer's block is a curse.

My cure? Lots and lots of reading.

Don't worry loves, I'm not going to let you down.

Tomorrow, I will try really hard to write, something that will spark your mind.

The weather is getting much colder and as seasons change, I am changing alot also.

I will explain everything tomorrow,I promise.

Please stick with me.

I know I lost some followers due to my lack of updates, but sometimes life takes up all of your time. And, I've been diligently keeping a diary. Her name is Kailey Angel and she's lovely.I've been using diaries on and all of my life. My mother handed me my first diary when I was eight years old. I still have it. It's sky blue with messy handwriting and cute entries. I miss my little girl days. Things were so much simpler back then.

Forgiveness

2010-08-28T20:23:00.009-04:00

I thought I would forever be buried into the arms of ferocity.

It felt good, being buried down there, but those harsh feelings took so much energy. I was feeling weak-hearted and out of breath.

Anger is such a dominating and terrible emotion.Do not let it consume you.

Last week on a Wednesday, I received an expecting phonecall from Rasul.

When I picked up the phone, I suddenly had a change of heart.Forgiveness and I became buddies that night.

It felt so wonderful.

I don't want to go into much detail, because I am sure you all are much tired of hearing about my fail of my love life. Rasul said a lot. He said he's been trying to change through prayer and fasting since Ramadan. Our phone meeting was sad, actually. Of course my mind went on a whim- I was feeling troubled, but I knew he was being sincere. Rasul wants to start over. He said he can't love another girl and he doesn't want to feel for another."We were so perfect, Rose. Everything was amazing. Matt was just jealous,that's why he told you that stuff. I miss you, I miss you so much-I really do. I hate it when people ask me what happened to us.I wish we together again, but I know that's not going to happen. I can't look at a girl and not think of you, Rose Valentine. I know I'm a habitual liar and I'm trying to be more honest with my friends and family. I'm working on it. Since it's Ramadan,I've been praying and fasting and I feel more righteous everyday.If I can't have a relationship with you, I want your friendship. Yeah, friends is good with me, I'll take it."

My feelings have taken a dramatic twist this past summer. You all know that already.

Rasul's aware that were are on different levels, but a part of me still has a soft spot for him. Not romantically, but emotionally. We've finally had closure. I'm feeling hurt though. My anger was a hard shield, covering up my wounds, but now they broke out afresh. Time.

I know love won't come my way soon as I would like for it to arrive. But that's alright, I'm just going to have to deal. I'm not sure if I'm even worthy of love. I always end up with the wrong guy and thoroughly crushed. It's a stupid and very distracting cycle. How am I so entangled in these webs?But guess, what my dear? I'm happy.

I know my tears are signs of healing.

Happy

2010-08-18T19:42:00.003-04:00

So....

I'm enjoying my senior year. Everything is going on very well and I'm excited for the future.The SAT class that I'm taking is helping me tremendously and I am certain I will do better when the test rolls around in October. Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling a bit stressed, but it's a happy stressed. I love being occupied. I'm still in awaiting phone calls for jobs and I'm starting my college application process. But, it's alright. That's life and senior year all in one. I am most definitely not going on a blog hiatus. It won't for me. I would crack almost immediately. Pray me, if you will, because I sometimes let stress get the best of me. I'm studying like crazy.I'm days ahead in most of my classes, and I'm planning to keep it that way. I have a life too,you know. I'm still driving out and hanging out with my girls. I had a photoshoot with my friend Alexis last weekend,but it's postponed to this weekend. My grandma sent me a great amount of money for clothes, so I've been shopping for my shoot. The shoot is not "official"or anything, but it's enough to add to my portfolio that I'm planning to create. I really do want to model, so very badly. This would be my third shoot. The last shoot I did was back in May by a photographer in Atlanta.

Life's lovely.

Psychology

2010-08-11T18:15:00.002-04:00

What do you hope to get out of this course?

My response: To figure how and why people act the way they do... to finally figure people out.

The real thing:

-WHY people lie

-WHY we hurt so bad

-WHY can't we make life as simple as a Disney fairytale

-Why and how do we feel so disconnected

-WHY and how we feel confused

-WHY we can't rip out bad feelings from our hearts

-WHY are some things easier for others, but so difficult for some

-WHY it's hard to fall asleep when are mind is not at ease

-WHY happy feelings can go ZAP!in seconds...

-WHY do we feel so jealous

-WHY we feel like life's a race...

-Why do we focus so much on beauty

-WHY and how we become so mean

-WHY and how we hurt ourselves- how we become our worst enemy.

What I learned this summer

2010-08-06T23:50:00.006-04:00

Love blows, period. According to a few of my friends, I never seem to choose the right guy. It's true. And because of that, I am legitimately afraid to give any guy a chance, fearing they will turn out rotten like the rest. I know what I want but everything always ends up in hurt. I get blinded I guess. My mind gets caught up in silly, stupid, Disney fairytale crap and I ended getting more hurt then I should be feeling. I brush off the little bad things and just see fantasy and not reality. I don't know why on earth I does this. Can you anyone explain this to me?SERIOUSLY, PLEASE.Blame it on the guys? Nah, blame it on me, Rose. I don't even know what I have to offer to any guy, anyway. Seriously, if someone were to tell me to make a list of what I have to offer to someone, my paper will be blank. I don't know what I've got.I guess my standards are unrealistic or maybe it's the emotional absence of a father.My dad and I barely have a relationship. Don't get me wrong, he's a great daddy and despite the infidelity and drama, I still love him because he cares about me. We just don't connect and talk. We went out to lunch one weekend and we were both glued on our blackberrys throughout the whole time. Even the waiter pointed that out.I hate this stupid stuff, I quit. Whatever. It's senior year, screw it and forget it. College is far more important anyway and my mind's on point with that for sure. It's better being friends than lovers, because in general, people stay longer in friendships. Love just makes everything messy and someone gets hurt and all this crap that no one deserves. It makes me angry, because love shouldn't be this difficult! It's not created to hurt us...right?

I know in relationships, everything is not great and dandy all the time. They take work, but why do our hearts have to suffer so much?! Most of you readers on here are fully aware of what happened between Rasul and I, and how much crap and drama he brought into my life. Just to let you know, I refrained to give you readers the rest of the details, because I am still trying to move on from the anger. I don't understand what's happening to me. I pray and pray and pray, but honestly my darlings the boy makes it so difficult for me to forgive him. He kept doing these childish things that were driving me insane. I have never had someone hurt me so bad that has taken such an effect on me. My feelings have taken a dramatic twist. I honestly do not like him at all. In fact,I almost hate him. I really don't want to feel this way, darlings and I'm trying to stop it.And yes, to make it quite clear I am aware that people are not perfect and I don't expect boys in relationships to be a perfect boyfriend. I think some people on here judge me as if they truly know me, saying I'm "obsessed with boys" or "obsessed with the male gender", etc. Yes, I am a boy crazy seventeen year old girl, but I have goals and dreams that I actually do work on. I'm not obsessed with guys and my focus isn't solely on guys. I just like boys, big deal lol. I hope I don't sound rude or too blunt or anything. I just wanted to point that out there, because those comments aren't who I am.

I can... If Only I Will

2010-08-04T10:19:00.003-04:00

I can respect myself.

I can believe in my dreams.

I can hope in my future.

I can learn to love.

I can withstand peer pressure.

I can be loved for who I am.

I can protect my body through wise choices.

I can treasure the beauty of being alive.

I can develop healthy relationships.

I can honor all people.

I can honor myself by my choices of self control.

I can invest in my marriage by saving myself now.

I can experience joy.

-www.lifecyclebooks.com

Focused

2010-07-29T09:10:00.005-04:00

My mindset is college, college,college, scholarships, scholarships, scholarships, job, job, job, and yeah, you get the idea. Right now, I've really been buckling down on raising my SAT scores and trying to finish up summer reading. School, UNFORTUNATELY starts on August 11th. It's senior year though,(oh my gosh!!) and it's going to be a breeze. I'm just so over highschool now. I'm ready for college and start big things. At this moment in time, I am trying to work on an essay for a 2,500 dollar scholarship. The question is simple:"What's unique about you? What makes you stand out in the crowd?"

Yeah... not so simple after all. I have no clue who I am for that matter. How on earth am I suppose to this question?

Ah. I need some fun. I got my license last weekend and I haven't been out with my friends since then. I've been with my cousins mainly for hours everyday working on SATs and scholarships and then hit the gym in the evening.

Sigh.

I obviously don't know how to balance, but my parents have been holding me down a tad bit as well. Oh well. I get to go shopping tomorrow, and I'm inviting my bestfriend.

What do you miss?

2010-07-27T11:25:00.000-04:00

What do you miss right now?

I miss being a little girl, free, and endless dreaming. I fell asleep while watching Sailor Moon last night of youtube. And my bestfriend and I are hosting a princess tea party with tiaras and sophisticated finger foods. I really do miss being a kid. Gosh, I was so eager to become a teenager back then. It's funny. Being a teenager is probably the most challenging stages in life. But don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying myself. It's a lot of fun being with friends and trying new things to become what I want to be. I'm thankful.

I miss the beach. Oh so much. To feel the breeze dance through my hair and race into the icy cold ocean with my sisters. I adore summer.

I miss being so in touch with my spiritual life. I seemed to have drifted off. I'm trying to get everything that I felt before with one snatch, but I think I really need to kneel down and pray about it.

I miss fifteen.

There are alot of things and places that I miss.

Valentine Playlist Part One

2010-07-26T11:32:00.002-04:00

If my heart stop pumping tomorrow don't feel no sorrow

Cuz life is hard mentally and everything is meant to be
Sometimes I ask myself If I was gone who will remember me?
It's hard to tell oh-well sit back and sip this Hennessey
Now lately it's been hard to tell my friends part from my enemies
Cuz plenty n**** show me love but in their hearts they envy me
Why? I'm just a n**** from around the way
Told my momma Ill make it happen and I found a way
Pour out some liquor for my n***** at the crossroads
May the Lord give guidance to the lost souls
I know that deep inside these n**** know it's more to life
Then mackin h*** and stacking doe
Man I'm sort of like a n**** who done seen greener grass
So when they think they ballin like The DreamTeam, my n**** I done seen meaner cash
And I'm trynna get it, follow me n**** I'm on a prowl
Headed to the top! You watching me n****?
Then Hold It Down

Hold it down, if you need to holla at me
Don’t hesitate to call it aint a problem I can be there I’d ride for you, lie for you
I know you’d do the same, I will die for u
So hold it down, when the times is hard, I’ll be around
So hold me down and it don’t matter how far I’ll be around
Yea, I'll hold you down

You were my n**** from the younger days, we grew up
I went to school you went the other way
but still my brother man
I'm sitting reminiscing on all of them b****** we were trippening over, kissing on
Or at the skating rink we trying to bag some new h***
And If I need it yea you let me hold ya new clothes and vice-a-versa man,
But now that life is worster man a n****slow caking
I'm broke trynna chase a dream, you just got probation and I'm stressed
Your little sister pregnant what’s next?
Oh s*** my momma doing drugs, at times it's hard to feel blessed
In this madness I holla at my n**** in the sadness
Remember when ya momma tried to beat you with that bat s***?
Remember your chick Nina man that ass was the fattest
remember my crush on Sabrina? yo, she still the baddest!
I'm just glad that I can holla at you, it's been a while
and to the next time I hear from you, ay, hold it down!

Hold it down, if you need to holla at me
Don’t hesitate to call it aint a problem I can be there I’d ride for you, lie for you
I know you’d do the same, I will die for u
So hold it down, when the times is hard, I’ll be around
So hold me down and it don’t matter how far I’ll be around
Yea, I'll hold you down

These are tough times baby but we’ll make it through
You know I'm headed for the top I swear i'm taking you
Just hold a n**** down through this bad weather
The rain falling aint balling but I have better
A women with an ass and a strong mind
It's been a long time, sometimes you on your bull****
Sometimes i'm on mine
Will I have a hard time to stay committed?
Or do I only want your voice moaning when I hit it?
Man only God knows I know deep in your heart you don’t want me to be no star though
Cuz groupies out there every show you scared Im f***** every h**
And girl I aint gon lie and say I wont cuz s*** you never know
but may the Lord give me strength
I love you more than anything
The future mother of my kids, the love is real and if we ever part God forbid
I love you still so when Im on the road don’t trip, you know im down for you
Keep it tight and don’t slip, and hold it down for me

Hold it down, if you need to holla at me
Don’t hesitate to call it aint a problem I can be there I’d ride for you, lie for you
I know you’d do the same, I will die for u
So hold it down, when the times is hard, I’ll be around
So hold me down and it don’t matter how far I’ll be around
Yea, I'll hold you down

-J. Cole

*Number 21 on the playlist on here.*

New Dreams

2010-07-25T15:12:00.000-04:00

New dreams.

So fresh, eager, and ready to be pursued. I am totally in that mode right now.

I've been contemplating...

I think I'm going to publish my first letters to God, my favorite diary of all time.

Age fifteen was the best year of my life and I want to share it with the world. Of course, I'll change times, dates, and stories just a bit. And, I'll be anonymous. I don't want attention, since it's a diary. I just want people to read the desires of my heart with their own eyes. I want people to see how life can be transformed when you let God really enter into your life. Very often, I pray to God to bring people in my life that need to hear the truth. It's the most beautiful thing. I really think I'm going to do it. I'll rewrite everything. It's the perfect end of highschool project for me. Maybe my diary will start something in my life.

What do you think, darlings?

Oh, how pretty

2010-07-21T16:15:00.003-04:00

Alice touched her heart. "I found Jesus. He's not in my closet nor in my morning tea, or Rylan's scrambled eggs. Jesus is in here. No more black hole."

Alice had forgotten everything-even God. Jesus was a stranger to her, and nights passed with prayers unspoken.Since her parent's death, everything abruptly drifted away. Depression was her only companion. Not only was her heart beseeching for shameless beauty, but her soul was yearning and thirsting for something. Someone who brought her smiles and merry dreams.

God.

Alice's life was empty. Nothing. She looked forward to nothing, her eyes were sent on nothing,and she dreamt of nothing. Her thoughts were swirls of darkness and black holes. Broken hearts and silent screams. There was a black hole in her heart. It was growing thicker and deeper as the days unraveled and vanished. No kiss, no rain drop could heal her. Alice's fairytale past was a beautiful nightmare full of laughter, stolen kisses, and joy rides.

"Don't lie to me, she stammered."Don't." Giovonnie's face crinkled with hurt. "Why would I lie to you, Alice?" And before the girl could retort, Giovonnie slowly curled his fingers into hers. His breath caught in his throat-scarcely breathing, he leaned in and kissed Alice with passion. Such passion, that each of the souls were caught in fire. But it was quick, and as the girl watched the boy walk away from her, she looked up into heaven and saw God's smile.

"Does it take a good man to falsely confess so things could just finally settle down?"

" They let sin tear away their hearts from goodness."

"Every human being is imperfect. Human beings are so imperfect, that often those imperfections lead to evil and sin. However, every human being has the desire to be good. Goodness is the brightest gem in the human heart."

"You're beautiful." he whispered,breathlessly. Alice felt her eyes shimmer with tears. He musn't lie to her-not like everyone else. So many lies and fairytales left scars and nightmares scattered on her skin.

"I'm Giovonnie Cosby, but I'm sure you've heard of me before-"

"Yeah, yeah Alice interrupted, impatiently waving him away. "You're a little on the cocky side, aren't you?" Giovonnie grinned."A little." Alice couldn't help but notice how fairly good looking he was. His eyes were the darkest shade of emeralds- dazzling. But Giovonnie's lopsided grin sent an unusual tingle in her heart.

"Who's God?" Alice inquired, quietly. Rylan turned to look at her and he wrapped his arms around her. shoulders. He pointed to the dancing stars that were scattered on the sky. "There." He said.

"You're chasing after her?" Alice said, appalled. Giovonnie turned, his hands jammed in his pockets with his lopsided grin written on his face."God made her, he stated,happily. She's beautiful, case closed." Alice frowned at him."Is that all you like about her?" She scoffed. Givonnie shrugged. "Yeah." He turned his back on Alice and started to chase the girl of his dreams... so it seems.

I was going through some old boxes and found some beautiful crumpled paper written with words of long ago.

"And then, out of nowhere, there was rain. It fell down heavenly, sweetly, and magically on her shoulders and all over her body.

Glittering like diamonds.

It was the first time Alice felt rain pour down on her shoulders."

All by me. Rose.

Hold onto me

2010-07-15T19:00:00.000-04:00

Age fifteen was the best year of my life.

Dear God,

I just finished reading the letter I wrote to you several weeks ago. September 3. Just a few days before Camp Covecrest...

Before my life changed. For good.

Lord, since Camp Covecrest things are different now. Way different. Now that I have drawn closer to You and Jesus, my life is a pleasant surprise. I am so happy nowadays. So happy. God, I want to love you more. You fill my heart with such joy. You have given me so many blessings and gifts and I am so thankful, so grateful.

Thankyou, my love.
I want to say thankyou for the beautiful sunsets and for the stars at night. Simply put, I want to thankyou for nature and its beauty. Thankyou Lord for my family, my school, and for everything that is good in my life.
It's all You, God.
It's all You...
-September 28, 2008.
I don't feel happy today, my loves. I just feel so faraway and lonely. I want to hold God's hand.
That's all.

Emptiness

2010-07-09T14:28:00.003-04:00

I think emptiness is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Life can be such a nightmare.

I wish peace on earth can truly be granted.

What do you think my loves? What causes emptiness?

You have all the things in the world, but the side of your bed is empty.

Lonliness.

You lost everything that you had and you're caught in a thunderstorm.

Hopelessness.

My mother thinks she's slightly depressed. My father is taking medication for depression.

I wish I can help them both.

Smile through the tears and get down on your knees.

All you need is God.

Give me the money... seriously.

2010-07-07T10:42:00.005-04:00

I have to make a huge decision.
My parents pay twenty thousand dollars in total, for my sister and I to attend the school we are currently enrolled in. I've been in that school for three years and I love the learning environment so much. I've met incredible people and the rigorous work really shaped me up to work even harder for the grades I want. The school's fantastic and very Catholic family oriented. But of course, my parents are paying a lot of money and have restricted us from several vacations, shopping trips, and getting a nice car. My little sister also attends a private school, so as a whole my parents are paying over twenty thousand dollars. It's crazy. We really can't do much and we basically have to watch our money with hawk's eyes. My parents are tired of paying for it and really wants us to enroll into our local school so we can have a bit of fun. And of course, I would get a car which no doubt, is a very tempting offer. My grandma called me two days ago and told me that she's going to pay for half of my car anyway.
It's all up to me and my sisters.
Senior year and new school? I won't necessarily be a stranger, because I know a lot of the kids in my grade. I went to more than half of elementary and middle school with them.It wouldn't be terrible, but I'll miss uniforms though. And since it's senior year, the uniforms are different from everyone else with a bonus, soft, senior sweater. We also have the senior courtyard to chill and hangout, senior seats during church service, and all that good stuff. I can't stand waking up every morning and trying to figure out a new outfit. Even with uniform I take over an hour to get ready. I'm ridiculous. But I feel as if I would have more fun in my local school and be able to apply to more challenging courses. At the school that I am enrolled in, the teachers don't allow everyone to take ap and honors courses. It's stupid. We need ap courses to apply for colleges! The teachers think they know us best when in reality, they really don't. How can you know that I won't be able to handle college work? If I fail, isn't that my problem?
I don't know.
I sort of want to leave, but I don't won't to regret it.
I'll pray.
I've been applying and looking jobs. I think it's bad if you don't work and your in highschool. Not wise at all.
I hate money. I wish I can be like some of my classmates- Afford the school and have the money to do other things.
Unfair.

Wear your smile

2010-07-05T12:31:00.002-04:00

That's me. Holding Domo backwards... hahaha.

I've been doing better. I had a fun 4th of July weekend. I failed my driver's test though, which I am very disappointed about it. I hit the cone when I was paraell parking. I was nearly in tears. I get to retake it tomorrow or sometime next week. My parents think tomorrow is too soon. My dad was a little angry that I didn't do well. I felt bad, and my instructor was actually very sweet. She had the prettiest blue eyes.

Rasul texted me and I didn't hesistate to ignore him. I've clearly moved on. And I saw Brody on Saturday. It wasn't planned at all. We both ended up at the same fourth of July festival on Saturday. I haven't seen him since December when I was cheering at our schools basktetball game so it was nice to see his face again. He looked really cute, tall, broad-shouldered and sporting stunning white shades. We just hung out for a bit and then departed each other to spend time with friends and family.Ever since Rasul and I broke up, I've been talking to a few more guys. Being single is so much fun. :)

There's this one guy I've met way long ago- back in the seventh grade. We were in the same homeroom and science class and he was incredibly adorable. We spoke quite a bit and then by the end of the year he moved away. Well one evening, I was flipping through some old yearbooks in spite of boredom, and his face popped up and surprised me. "Oh!" I exclaimed. "I remember him!" I recorded his name on a piece of paper and looked him up on facebook.

Found him. And we've been messaging back and forth and he's really sweet. He remembers me too. :) He lives in Louisiana and he says he misses Atlanta. He's planning on visiting and we're going around town together. He called me his Georgia girl.

The catch is that well.... his name is Ras.

...

Ras. Rasul. WAY too close. But, whatever. I'm not planning on dating Ras anyway. He doesn't even live in state.I wanted to draw attention to that, so that is why I kept saying, "he."

Hahaha.

Anyway, I'm off to drive around for job applications and work on college stuff.

The Future

2010-06-29T12:23:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I focused and visioned my future.
I'm applying to fourteen colleges,my loves. I'm not kidding. I'm trying to aim really high and began a bright future. I've got half of my testing process out of the way(I've taken the SATS twice and ACT once) and I know exactly what I want. Junior year kicked me so hard in the tush and I was seriously suffering from anxiety from too much hard week. But this new upcoming year, will be the greatest. I have a 3.5 and I'm aiming for at least a 3.8. Education is so important to me. Someday soon, I would love to be a news anchor or an entertainment host, and a trial lawyer/part time model. I want to be very successful with my own house, a lovely car, and spoil my parents and sisters. My best friend Evan will be by my side. Freshmen year we promised each other that we're going to be career women so we can go to the seven star hotel in Dubai. We are so doing it.I cannot wait to see what life has in store. Marriage and family will come after all that. I want to make something out of myself before I get that ring on my finger and craddle a baby in my arms.
Tell me, what are your dreams my loves?

Whatever

2010-06-28T13:15:00.002-04:00

Screw love. But, I'm still praying.
It's senior year, I'm going to focus on more important things. Test scores, scholarships, and college applications.I want to go to a great university and come out of it as a successful, new, young thing. There are many things I would like to try out this upcoming school year since cheerleading at school has let me down. I didn't make the squad.
This must be my year.
Sorry.
I'm still not really over it.
Anyway, I'll soon realize that I can use that extra time to try something new(modeling) and I can spend time with my friends at football games. I am so excited for football season. My school generally does very well and the season goes onto until mid November. It's very nice. Anyway, I'm finally getting my license on Friday and probably take my bestfriend out. It's about time my parents let me get this thing. I mean, seriously c'mon. I'm seventeen years old.I've been driving forever, I need that card.
Sorry, pointless post. I'm just having random thoughts on my mind. When I signed on my facebook this morning, I saw a lot of statuses from my friends that they had "amazing nights", etc. I honestly cannot remember the last time I've had an amazing night. Prom, maybe?
I guess summer is letting me down.
I found two movie tickets in my dad's car. I remember him coming home late too. My mom just shook her head. He probably hasn't stopped cheating. My dad doesn't go to the movies.He still goes on her facebook, I'm sure. I always see the email address pop up when I want to sign in.
Overall, this hasn't been my year.
Whatever.

Moving On

2010-06-26T15:18:00.005-04:00

I'm moving on with my life.

I would tell you all the drama that led before and even after the breakup, but it just takes way too much time and not to mention heartbreak. I'm so sorry I've been updating all week. The breakup and the drama literally interrupted my life. I was staying with friends all week. I've gotten a lot of support from my mom and friends., Rasul still continues to lie and was practically begging me to come back. I blocked him on facebook and I was so close into blocking his number on my phone. The situation was getting so bad, that my mom had to intervene. Rasul even got his friends involved. Thank God that I am out of this nightmare breakup. Rasul's plotting revenge on his ex bestfriend and the guy he cheated on me with. They told me my ex was cheating. The other guy got his house egged the other night.

Brody's back and he said he misses my random laughter on the phone. I really can't just jump into another love scam. We're just talking and gaining back our "brother and sister friendship. But the boy is slowly winning me over. My friends really don't like the idea of my quick regain attraction of Brody. Stephanie ,( my friend who introduced us last summer) watned me of Brody trying to lure me while I was with Rasul. I kept my distance. And as soon as Brody found out I was free, he really started to talk.

I have the most terrible luck when it comes to love. My friends are unhappy that Brody is trying to see me again. But my heart is so bruised that it's literally so difficult. to feel what is right and what is wrong. My dad's infidelity will always be my biggest heartbreak, and Rasul is number two.

The heartbreaks are literally three months apart.

Brody didn't treat me very well. He didn't harm me physically, he just wasn't there. He had much too pride and we quarreled often. But we keep doing this "talking thing" even as I write to you, my readers. I'm not stupid and I'm not naive. Brody's a friend and throughout the week he helped me forget my hurt whenever he made me laugh.

I give up on love and I could honestly care less. I have my girls, my family, getting a car soon, and I'm really trying to start modeling and tumbling (again).

I keep bumping into the wrong boys over and over. It could only get worse.

RIP Troy, my perfect man.

Blasted brick wall.

It's time to start talking about important things on here again.

Nobody's In Love

2010-06-20T10:19:00.003-04:00

I got a message on facebook Friday morning saying that my prince has been cheating.
With a guy.
More lies and more secrets.
I won't get into details, because my story is not story that you would like to discuss at the dinner table. I've basically lost my appetite.
The person who told me the who the real Rasul is sent me dated text messages and a picture to sum everything up. I haven't been able to really get a hold of Rasul. He keeps making up all kinds of crap. I am so done with this asshole! He keeps playing games with me, and I've barely communicated with him at all this weekend. I've been trying to go over to his house to show him that I know the secret he's been trying to keep, his stupid lies, and his unfaithfulness. Why does this bull keep happening over and over again? There's been so much drama with this jerk.
Yes, you my darlings have never seen me curse on here. With this situation, I have every right to express how I truely feel. This boy is no prince. He. is. an. ASS. This situation may sound like the typical highschool "cheating" story, but if I reveal everything, you'll be feeling as sick as I am. My whole family is devestated. The story is not about the cheating, but his actions and character. I've trying to come over since Friday, but this idiot keeps making up crap on why I can't see him. He's playing all these games and I really don't know what the heck is going on. He probably suspects that something is the matter and that is why he's trying to avoid me. Rasul doesn't know that I know what's been going on, because the person who told me everything, hasn't said anything to him. So, I just have to wait. But in my mind, we're over.
I really need God.
There's been so much drama. I need to get out of this stupid town.

Omegle

2010-06-15T01:19:00.003-04:00

I think I was struck with something beautiful tonight.
And I don't know how to get it back.
Stranger: asl
You: 17 female usa
Stranger: awesome
Stranger: lucky you
Stranger: im a guy
Stranger: and this will be the best chat ever
Stranger: from usa too
You: awesome yay
Stranger: 20
Stranger: in college
You: cool
Stranger: yup
Stranger: so which state?
You: georgia
Stranger: florida, i've got them oranges girl and u've got them peaches
Stranger: hellz ya ;)
You: hahahah :)
Stranger: :)
Stranger: soo
Stranger: you seem cool
Stranger: I'm Jason
You: I'm Rose
Stranger: beautiful name
You: aw thankyou
Stranger: for sure
Stranger: soo tell me about yourself Rose
Stranger: high school student
You: hahaha yes and I cheer and model. Write a whole lot, active in my church, workout, and yeah pretty much it hahaha
Stranger: can I comment?
Stranger: may I lol
You: sure?
You: haha
Stranger: well, I just got a boner
Stranger: cheer and model?
Stranger: damn girl
You: ha... great to know?
Stranger: oh sorry lol
Stranger: umm
Stranger: nice combo!
You: lol thanks
Stranger: writing is cool
Stranger: what do u write
You: just about anything. from poetry to short stories. i;ve been writing since i was nine
Stranger: very nice!
Stranger: im jewish so idk about church but sounds great
Stranger: workout is good for that body
Stranger: good stuff ;)
You: I love it hahahah gym memberships are gifts
Stranger: nice!
Stranger: alright now you wanna know abou tme
Stranger: about me
You: indeed
You: hahaha
Stranger: well to start off
Stranger: I'm not like most guys my age
Stranger: at all
Stranger: many people highly respect me for who I am
Stranger: and appreciate me for being myself each and everday
Stranger: basically
Stranger: I am different in a good way
Stranger: thats the best way to put it
You: Well, that's really lovely.
Stranger: for starters..
Stranger: I do not drink
You: GOOD.
Stranger: I do not smoke
You: GOOD.
Stranger: I do not do drugs
You: GOOD.
You: hahaha
Stranger: I am still a virgin
You: GOOD!!!
Stranger: and I have never had a gf
Stranger: which surprises a LOT of people
Stranger: but they understand
You: aww well that'
You: that's okay
You: nothing wrong with hat
You: *that
Stranger: I know, I'm happy
Stranger: :)
Stranger: I have no myspace
Stranger: I have no fakebook
You: really?
Stranger: I have no twitter
Stranger: really!
Stranger: I'm the real deal
You: Wow.
Stranger: and I have more friends than the amount of days in 5 years
Stranger: yup
You: Wow, well that's really nice :))
Stranger: yeah and it makes me feel good
Stranger: I love helping people
Stranger: and being there for people
Stranger: and I expect the same back from them
Stranger: they all hold a very special place in my heart
Stranger: even you
You: Hahah you don't know me at all...
You: just a random girl on here bored to death
You: lol
Stranger: but at some level we are still connecting
Stranger: without a doubt
You: well... alright.
Stranger: now..
Stranger: so if that alone didn't make you think I am different
Stranger: maybe this will
Stranger: I want to change the world
Stranger: you heard me
Stranger: not just the next iPhone application
Stranger: not the newest gadget
Stranger: but actually make an impact on our lives
Stranger: and the future generations to enter our world
Stranger: not many people want to do this
Stranger: or even have close to the desire and motivation to go out there and do so
You: Wow. Speechless.
Stranger: I mean it's actually quite interesting to me
Stranger: to see just how many people will wake up everyday and do things
You: Yes,indeed.
Stranger: and not realize what is actually gong on
Stranger: I see everything from a completely different perspective than your average human
Stranger: not to sound corny, but I really do!
You: I can tell! And, that's refreshing.
Stranger: and it almost makes me want to cry
Stranger: for joy that is
Stranger: because I am so happy that I will in fact accomplish my visions
Stranger: my dreams of a new world
Stranger: I can't do this alone, it's going to be US
Stranger: listen to this ok...
You: Wait what?
Stranger: I was talking to a girl about my thoughts on education right
Stranger: she was in shock
Stranger: what i was telling her on here
Stranger: and looked at it completely differently
Stranger: after I told her the deal
Stranger: from my eyes
Stranger: I saved what she said about me...
Stranger: "Stranger: i think it's clearly unreal that you can think of something like this. and if anyone is gonna change the minds of society its gonna be you. i hope you realize, that how much you just made me think differently, has affected one person. and if i spread your thoughts, you will be the person responsible for world change. you need to keep thinking the way you do and i will never forget this conversation and how much you have changed my view on things"
You: <3> UMMM EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.
Stranger: I know!!!
Stranger: I'm extremely respectful, very understanding, always postive
Stranger: never let anyone down
Stranger: and just live my life instead of being distracted by all of this noise
Stranger: yet I am still aware!
You: If you open doors, pull out chairs, a girl will fall for you I swear.
You: You'll find the right girl.
Stranger: thank you
You: You have a good heart.
Stranger: I really do
Stranger: and I am very driven
Stranger: yet relaxed
Stranger: and I know what's right
You: A lot of guys your age are fooling around, but you. Yes, different, with a good heart. A girl will fall for you one day, and she's going to be so happy.
Stranger: thank you
Stranger: appreciate it
Stranger: but I mean in all honesty
Stranger: I don't even try
Stranger: this is who I am
Stranger: and once she realized that, super glue
Stranger: realizes
Stranger: you know
Stranger: my friends who are girls just sit in the food places and their jaws drop
Stranger: they love talking to me
Stranger: because I am more down to this earth that the world itself
You: Exactly.
Stranger: yeah
You: Um okay, Florida girls=blind.
You: Seriously.
You: Girls should be chasing after you for sure
You: You're good.
You: And I don't even know you
Stranger: it makes me want to cry
Stranger: because I am going to actually do it
Stranger: I will be the next world changer
Stranger: I feel it
You: I'm going to pray really hard for you tonight,
You: And I promise I will every single day.
Stranger: are you serious
You: Yes. I love praying. I talk to God every single night before I sleep. He's my bestfriend. I tell Him everything.
Stranger: please
Stranger: if you tell him
Stranger: make sure he understands that I am not doing this for myself
Stranger: not just me, but "us"
You: He knows. He knows everything.
Stranger: great
Stranger: you know this all started when I was younger
You: Oh my, really?
Stranger: when I was 5
Stranger: I got my first computer
Stranger: and mind just let loose
Stranger: suddenly I was free beyond penis and paper
Stranger: to explore
Stranger: to imagine
Stranger: I was so inspired
Stranger: that I made things and saved them
You: Wow!!
Stranger: I believe I still have them
Stranger: and I kept thinking to myself
Stranger: I remember
Stranger: that one machine
Stranger: those collections of parts
Stranger: changed who I am
Stranger: the way I do things
Stranger: and made such an impact on my life
Stranger: it came from a company in a box alright
Stranger: but it came from a business more importantly that somebody started because they love what they do
Stranger: it made me realize that I want to help people
Stranger: not only discover this new window in our century, but go out and do more and bring tools and new ideas to the world for everyone
You: <3>Stranger: life is very short
Stranger: there is no time to be living somebody elses life other than your own
Stranger: if you are strong and believe in who you are, you will go far
You: <3>Stranger: "Jason, you're one in a million and I've never had a student like you my entire teaching career"
Stranger: my whole life is full of people saying wow, unbelievable from arts to papers to science
Stranger: I just don't do my work
Stranger: I do my best work
Stranger: and thats just who I am
Stranger: why should I put myself down
You: Please... stay this way.
Stranger: teachers have fought to have me in their classes in high school!
Stranger: no joke
You: OMG
Stranger: they wanted me as their student after they heard about me
You: Are you kidding?
Stranger: no lies it was a joke
Stranger: usually it's the other way around
Stranger: they wanted to bring me into their classroom
Stranger: because I brought such light in a what many call a fixed environment these days which I will be changing in the future
Stranger: it should feel like we are not learning
Stranger: but rather we are at a level that is as natural as how we learned to walk and talk
Stranger: simple as that
You: <3>Stranger: one comment a teacher made to me
Stranger: my freshman year
Stranger: I will never forget
Stranger: and I really cried
Stranger: very close at least
Stranger: she was a newly wed woman and was teaching my freshman year english course and she said that she never met anyone like me before and that when she has kids, she wants them to be just like me
Stranger: who says that?
You: awww!
You: omg wow...
Stranger: I know
Stranger: it was wow
Stranger: and i didn't speak
Stranger: i couldn't
Stranger: my mouth just was open
Stranger: i will never forget her
Stranger: soo
Stranger: what do you want to chat about
You: well, i'm totally speechless hahaha.
Stranger: :)
You: :)))
Stranger: I think it's clear to you that one day you will be hearing about me in the news
Stranger: I never give up
You: <3>and won't until the day in which I leave this world
You: <3>I can't wait to talk to God tonight.
Stranger: and the best part of me which for some odd reason nobody can achieve
Stranger: is that I actually care
Stranger: from my heart to those who I encounter
Stranger: if I don't care and others don't care, who will
You: Very true
Stranger: we need to because it's so essential to our world
Stranger: :)
Stranger: yup
You: :)
Stranger: everything happens for a reason
You: i believe that
Stranger: and I have such a strong feeling that I will do something
Stranger: there are no doubts in my mine
Stranger: I see things
Stranger: that nobody else can see
You: What do you mean??
Stranger: and it's truly remarkable to my advantage, yet to everyone elses too
You: My heart just skipped a beat.
Stranger: really?
You: Yes. Idk why, that was weird lol.
Stranger: are you kidding
Stranger: wow
Stranger: you really do love me
Stranger: and i really like you
Stranger: so far
Stranger: you are appreciating me and respectful
Stranger: thats all I want
Stranger: I do not care about looks
Stranger: soo
You: Aww well you are sweet.
Stranger: thanks
Stranger: you too hun <3>beautiful person
Stranger: I can tell
You: Oh gosh, you haven't even seen me. And I really am not.
Stranger: why not?
You: Idk.. I'm just not.
You: But thankyou. You are sweet.
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
I hope I didn't come across as flirty or trying to cheat on my prince, because I was conscious when I was talking to Jason. I hope it was okay to talk to him. I freak out about cheating, I really do. Emotional cheating is as terrible as physical cheating. I don't want to hurt any boy like that, so I hope I didn't say the wrong things in this conversation.
But my Lord, I want to find this kid again. Somewhere, somehow.I feel as if God wanted to show me something. I really, really, do.
I cannot wait to talk to Him tonight.
I have a feeling that good things are coming. You may think I'm silly, but Jason is for real. It's all too good to be lies.
Especially when my heart felt something and immediately dropped when we disconnected.
I'm leaving this post up for the rest of the week. I really want all of our hearts in this. I really, really, really want to find Jason. I can't believe we disconnected, I was truly sad.
Comment and pray.

Stripped

2010-06-14T17:17:00.000-04:00

" I have feelings of depression, hopelessness, and desire to die when I start cutting. I don't cut myself to try to die. The first time I cut myself I was trying to kill myself: that is how I discovered the "positive" effects of cutting." -Male, age 17. 3 years SIB,college sophomore.

"I feel really comforted by it, as though I am squeezing the hurt from me in the posioned blood. After, I am upset that I let myself lose control."-female, age 21, 6 years SIB, college senior.

" Personally, I think cutting is a way of releasing emotions for people like me who have a lot of trouble with crying and expressive emotional things like that(note: I connected to this, because I cut when I can't cry, and have often thought of the intertwining symbolism of the saltiness of tears and blood.) I personally find I'll cut if I'm feeling empty inside... cutting is a simple way of feeling real and checking if you can still feel."-Male, age 19.

"I do it to stop thinking. The blood, the cutting gives me something else to look at and concentrate on. If I stop then the feelings I'm trying to block out come back. If I do if for long enough then when I'm done that is what I think about."- female, age 18, 2 years SIB, college student.

"I usually have some strong emotion. There is a sense of doing something about what I am feeling. Making the feeling go away is as important as it being gone. Aftewards I feel tired, physically and emotionally, as though there is nothing left in me." -male, 30 years 15 years SIB, Master's in statistics

"I don't know why I cut, but it scares the hell out of me."- female, age 33, SIB since teens, PH.D

Pray.

Total Bragworthy

2010-06-13T21:00:00.002-04:00

Rasul is so very good to me.

From opening every single door in sight, pulling out every single chair, and complimenting every single dress that I wear for him, this boy makes everything the ultimate perfection. He even sings to me, darlings. He loves 'Crazier' by Taylor Swift.It's been a wonderful time. I've never been treated like such a princess before- this feeling is overwhelming. On Wednesday, Rasul called me in the morning, and gushed on how he wanted to surprise me by making dinner. He's trying to make our relationship better, after I had addressed the problems we were having and now, we are just even more happy and crazy for each other. Rasul is always so sweet, soft-spoken, and gentle. He never says "no" to me and never asks for anything more than just kissing. Always, always, always, this boy loves to hold hands.

That's all he really wants.

And we never part unless it's time to say goodbye.

He gave me his letterman jacket to borrow when it gets cold again. The jacket smells just like him.

Don't worry my darlings, I'm not going to spill out my love life all over this blog, because my blog is much more than that. I tell you girls and guys everything, anyway. Rasul tells me that he loves me all the time. He's very soft hearted. Things hurt him very easily. When I was upset with him one time, the boy was feeling crushed. He gave me an Ethiopian necklace to ameliorate things. But boys always do that, don't they? They always buy girls things to make everything better. My dad has been buying me, mother, and my sisters a lot of chocolate lately.Sweet summertime, I see my love quite alot. I still make time for other things and for my girls. Especially my girls. I love them so much. Evan gets jealous of Rasul and I. Sometimes, I find it difficult to please her, because the jealousy is apparent.But it hasn't changed anything at all. The girls like Rasul a lot as well as my mother. She adores him. My sister Caroline calls him her big brother. The fact that everything is going so well, just scares me to death.

&& I find it kind of find if funny how my ex-boy, Brody now decides to apologize for everything and is trying to rebuild some sort of friendship. Stephanie's theory is that, Brody's just feeling bad because I moved on before him ,and he's hoping that I would wait around for him. It took that boy seven months to apologize to me, and he thought I was going to wait for that mess? Brody is acutally trying to move on quickly with Stephanie, but Stephanie is not buying any of it. He's trying to get my attention, and honestly, I'm too happy with the prince, so none of that fazes me at all.

I pray about our relationship a lot and my 11:11 prayers(not wishes) are usually used on that.(But not always) Rasul and I are comfortable with each other. He once told me that he can be himself around me. We share food and eat from the same chocolate strawberries and icecream scoops. I'm not scared of germies when I'm with him.

Even on my "not so pretty hair days" the boy doesn't treat me any different. He still smiles at me, hold my hand, and compliments me. He doesn't care how I look, he just loves me for me.

This afternoon, Rasul wanted to take me shopping, but I couldn't because I had too many little things to do. He was disappointed and he sent a text that said,"I miss you." We saw each other on Wednesday and that was all, because he had to work. I can't see each other getting "burned out." The chemistry and the friendship is much too real. Evan thinks that Rasul and I are the typical television, highschool couple. Everything is just friendly, pure, and cute. Just like Troy and Gabriella. They're my favorite highschool couple on television. Oh my, I sound so stupid right now.

I'm not attached though. No, really we're not. We both have other things going on.

It's funny...

I have always thought that Rasul is the hot photographer/model and band geek that was simply too good for me. The fact that he's just as tenderhearted and wanting to be with me, is quite incredible. Who knew? It was either prom that opened our eyes, or the we were blocking the chemistry from each other the whole time this past school year, hahaha.

That is all, my loves.

"Goodnight, Rose. I love you."

Fake

2010-06-11T13:11:00.000-04:00

I personally do not have a problem with using fake hair, weave, extensions, whatever you want to call it. I see like this: "If you don't like what you see and you want to fix it, then fix it." Rasul doesn't mind me using extensions, but he does voice his opinion and says that, "Natural hair is always the best." For me, as an African American girl, it's hard sometimes to appreciate our natural hair. Society tells us that that the african kinky/curly/nappy hair isn't beautiful enough, so you see all of these girls rushing to get their hair braided, weave, etc. In a way it's sad, and I am amongst those girls. However, I honestly don't see the problem with using it. My hair is natural/kinky and very curly. I don't put any chemicals in it and it grows very quickly. My hair is nice, I have to say, but I still use braids with extensions because I can't seem to appreciate my hair's natural state. I love long, flowing, hair.
For my hair to even reach my breasts, it may take literally three years? Who knows. Maybe I'm exagerrating. I have this weird obession with hair. If my hair isn't braided and or long, I feel weird. And I despise hair cuts. If I go to the salon and the hair dresser even attempts to cut or even trim my hair, I freak and I'm literally close to tears.
So silly.
I just can't stand short hair, and African American hair takes awhile to grow long because it breaks easily. It's terrible, and I absolutely loath it. Again, I should be grateful to have hair though. There are many people out there with cancer who do not have any hair at all. I bet I sound like a brat now, and I suppose I need to stop being so superfical with my hair. It's a learning development for me. I've always been fussy with hair. I let Rasul see me in my natural hair. My hair is thick, curly, and soft, so I tied it up in a bun and he liked it. I was feeling extrememly self conscious, but Rasul exclaimed,"You look pretty, Rose! It's natural, that's always the best!"
Hair is hair. Just hair, I know.
I would much rather have the other hair types though. Such as Asian, or Caucasion. It's so gorgeous!! Long, flowing, silky.
Ugh.
I am ridiculous.
I should be grateful for what I have. God made me this way so I must accept it.

The Prince

2010-06-09T01:20:00.004-04:00

I haven't told you about the prince, or in the real world, the boy in my life.

Yes, indeed he is quite the harmony to my voice. His name is Rasul and simply put, he makes me feel very, very, happy. Our sudden romance began on prom night, the night our single hearts found some sort of sudden connection. I knew then, that his silly boy that smiled and laughed with his eyes would be mine. I can remember how my heart skipped several beats, rhythms, and counts as he drew me closer under the dim lights. Breathless and anxious, my mind went wild- wondering, dreaming, and pondering on what he saw when he looked at me. There's a glow between us, my darlings and the whole world can see it. My mind is very protective of my heart and was afraid to let its guard down for the longest time. Until Rasul amazed me with his sweet gentleness and chivarly, I couldn't possibly turn my lips away from his. (Ah yes, our first kiss is one of my fondest memories.)

Of course, I was friends with this young chap before all this happened. Rasul is the photographer that made my modeling ambitions come alive. He is very supportive and encouraging. I remember that afternoon afterschool ,and how terribly nervous I was to call him to ask him to be my prom date. It's funny how Rasul, one of the coolest photographers and models, around turned out to be my prom knight. After the dance was over, we cuddled in the limo drive to breakfast while , our friends threw blushing and happy glances towards us.

"Your friends are staring" he whispered, with a smile.

"I know." My heart went crazy.

The following weekend, my prince cordially invited me to his eighteenth birthday dinner at a fine Ethipioan resturant. I was delighted. A couple weekends later, we are offically Rose and Rasul.

Grand.

Gawd, what a hunk.

And oh my, that first kiss did not come till nineteen days after. I love our caterpillar pace, it's exactly what I want. The kiss was on a bench, one early summer night. It was so lovely. Our faces turned simutaneously, slow and then the kissing became gentle, yet semi passionate. Our arms were wrapped around each other in loose embrace. We were hungry for love.We spoke a lot that night. Secrets and dreams.

My prince treats me like a princess and he is the sweetest candy on my tongue. We have come across some problems lately, but I have addressed them and Rasul is changing. He's trying so hard to get better and I appreciate it. The silly boy never says "no" to me for anything. Aren't I spoiled? He even sings to me, darlings. He has an angel's voice. We cannot even go one night without texting or calling each,"goodnight."

Gosh darn it, all in one month.

What can I say? He's a total prince.

My fragile little heart prays for strength.

Sorry babe, I'm deaf to your negativity

2010-06-08T11:00:00.000-04:00

How to block out negativity from others and even yourself.

Yes, I know that life isn't that simple, but it is possible to have peace of mind. First step, point out all of the wonderful and beautiful things about you. && no comparisons. That totally defeats the purpose of the exercise.
Write down words of positivity and decorate them in your life. In other terms, use the words all over the place. "Yeah, I can do this, no problem." Even if you're beginning to feel a little frustration with yourself, take a deep breath and smile.
Laugh at yourself when you make mistakes. Shrug your shoulders and move on with your life. Well, okay it's all depending on what the mistake is, but you get my drift.
Here's a dare: When you're feeling angry with yourself write down how many people you know or you've heard of that has achieved perfection in every single thing they've done. Can't do it? Duh. So, why beat yourself up? Life's not perfect, so neither are we.
People bringing you down? Toss your hair over your shoulder, gloss your lips, bat your eyelashes, and move on with your day. (Well in this case if your guy, you really can't gloss your lips or any of the sort so just man up and walk away) Become deaf to negativity. Just smile and say in a sweet voice, "Oh ,and you're perfect?"

Philippians 4:8
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

Sorry babe, I went deaf to your negativity but don't bother repeating yourself.

Insecurity

2010-06-07T07:25:00.005-04:00

Ugly.Ugly.Ugly.Ugly.Ugly.Ugly. Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Fat.Oh, why aren't I tall enough?I wanna be blonde, maybe he'll notice me. Look at my thighs, they're huge.I'm too skinny. Skinny. Skinny. Skinny. I want bigger boobs. Bigger boobs. Bigger boobs. I'm too flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. I look gross today. Gross. Gross. Gross. Gross. I'm an idiot, I wish I were smarter. I'm stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it. I'm not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. No one loves me. No one. No one. No one No one. Why is she prettier than me? Prettier. Prettier. She's prettier, prettier than me. I wanna be big like him. Like him. Like him. I hate my body. Body. Body. Body. Of course he gets all the girls. He's better than me. Better than me. Better than me. Better than me. I fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail.Fail. I don't want to lose. Lose. Lose. I'm going to lose. Lose. Lose. Lose.Lose.Lose. I'm too weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. Weak. He'll never look at me twice. Never. Never. Never. Never. I'll never find the one. The one. The one. The one. I never get what I want. Want. Want. Want. Want. Want. Want. Want. Want. Want. I give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. No one's going to ask me to the dance. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. I suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. Suck. I'm going to mess this up. Mess. Mess. Mess. Mess. Mess. Mess. Mess. Mess. She's going to leave me. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. I can't handle this. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't.
Look at that garbage. Is that what we're telling ourselves on a daily basis?
Gawd.
Just think about it.

Little Girl

2010-06-03T11:21:00.003-04:00

Rose Valentine is such a baby.
This summer, I have brought out my inner little girl. It's not for show, that is just who I am. I'm a crazy girly girl with a wild heart. I'm the kind of girl who dreams to be a pageant princess and who loves Barbie dolls.(I don't own anymore though, ha.) && I wish girls would stop calling themselves, "barbie." Seriously? What's so beautiful about looking plastic? It's such an immature and false ego booster, and it's extremely irritating to me. Anyway, I still adore teaparties and fairytale stories. Anything that has glitter or sparkles catches my eye in a heartbeat. You know that picture of that really pretty girl on my previous post? I want her dress so very badly. I think it's fun to be girlt, you know? I guess really don't want to face the fact that in a year, I'm collegebound and that I'm growing up way too quickly. Towards the end of summer, my bestfriend Evan and I, are hosting a princess tea and pool party. It's such a cute and fun idea, and my girls have all agreed to take part. I have so many cute ideas, the party is going to be a success! Rasul's a photographer, so he can stop by briefly and take pictures of me and the girls! Then I can make an adorable scrapbook out of that!Each girl is required to wear a pink t-shirt, blue jeans, capris, or shorts, and a tiara.
Evan and I indulged our girlish appetities at Claire's club, and as the hostesses we are getting matching wands. I don't know why, but these kinds of things entertain me. It's so much fun being girly. When I grow up, I'm going to be a "pink" lawyer just like Reese Witherspoon's 'Legally Blonde.' I won't wear pink all the time, because people may not take me seriously, ha.
I also enjoy coloring as well. I get bored easily when I'm at home(that's why I make a lot of plans so I can get out of the house everyday!) so that's what I do besides going on facebook and all that. Coloring is becoming one of my pasttimes. Finding new hobbies are kind of like adventures in my life. I always discover something new. I have also discovered that I really enjoy classical music and anything vintage. I'm starting to fall asleep to country music... I love it. Keith Urban is amazing.
Ah. Such a pointless post, but I DO miss my comments. I feel as if the blogging world is falling asleep. Life's busy, but I will never stop blogging. I know I have readers out there.I want to keep this blog up in college and throughout. Wouldn't that be nice?

Embrace

2010-06-01T11:07:00.001-04:00

Isn't that a pretty little thing?
I don't envy her though. She's gorgeous yes, with a cute figure but I embrace my curves. I'm a skinny gal, but I'm not ashamed of my booty. I'm African, that's what I was given. There are several things on my body that I don't like. I wish my eyes were a lighter shade of brown and that I wouldn't have to use hair extenstions so I can feel pretty. I also wish my breasts would grow faster, because compared to girls my age(I'm seventeen ) I'm not fully developed. I'm small breasted and that doesn't run in the family. My mother thinks that all of my cheerleading training and kickboxing delayed part of my development and probably finish in college. I hope so. I know breast size doesn't matter, but I want to feel pretty too. I don't know, my darlings. I'm a silly girl. You don't need big breasts to feel pretty.I'm not flat, just small. There are also a lot of things that I like about my body. My arms and legs are toned, and my stomach stays flat, which is a blessing. I embraced my petite height wholeheartedly.
I shouldn't be fussing over my body. My mom says that I'm too fussy. I fear when I enter the modeling industry, I'll be too harsh with my body. It happens.
It's totally possible.
Embrace yourselves, darlings. What do you like about body?

Your delicate rose petals

2010-05-27T10:54:00.000-04:00

My first summer night, I spoke of my dreams, the delicacy of them all and my heart's deepest desires.
Each year, I come up with impossible summer goals, but this time is much more realistic. My time in highschool is almost done, and I want have the best time of my life. I'm a young princess, why shouldn't I?
I would love, more than anything to be a pageant queen and a print model. I adore hair, makeup, and beautiful gowns and tiaras. My mother thinks pageants are silly, and yes they are but they look so much fun to me. Hopefully, I'll get my position as an employee at Hollister & Co and then throughout the summer and beginning of the school year, I can save up. Rasul has been working on modeling as well, and we are going to start something together. I have many friends who have taken in interest in modeling as well. My old friend Holly, wants to start something as well. It's all so exciting, my loves. Our dreams are so delicate.
That is why, when they crumble, it's another heartbreak.
I have always been a girl full of big, big, dreams. I want to be just like Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde. Believe me when I say this.
I'm a silly girl.
It's been a while since I've shared my personal things with you, my loves. I will tell you that things have truly changed... for the better. Not anything major, or life changing, but oddly enough, life is treating me with truffles and roses. I wonder if I'm caught in a trap that's gently dragging me in with soft claws. I'm afraid it is so...
The only person who can destroy it is well, my own father, the man who has brought hell to my world.
Hell.
He's anger, his second infidelity, his selfishness... Lord. I have never felt such resentment. I find it difficult to utter words as simple as, "Hello daddy good morning." We have no relationship now. In my mind, I question him constantly. My trust meter with people in general, is all wacked up. But I shouldn't let my father's mistakes take over my life like this. Thus begins my journey to move on.
I sound harsh, bitter, and awful but I have no problem spilling out my guts on here. I just want you to understand that the man in my life has truly recked everything that the family's got and it'll take years and years to repair. Of anything, I just want my father to leave my mother alone and go off somewhere. I'm trying, my darlings.
I am trying so hard to forgive the words and actions that has given my world the most terrible earthquake.
The Lord gives me hope.

Losing

2010-05-24T06:23:00.002-04:00

Why am I losing my followers?
Yes, of course...
My lack of updates are the sources to this problems. I apologize.
For the billionth time.
Life is busy and I like to keep my life busy. And my school is very demanding with academics.
All my time and energy at home is spent with smelly books and killing my brain with concepts that I don't need nor care about. Then of course, I'm either with Rasul and/or my friends. But anyway, all that craziness will end on Wednesday at noon.
Summer is here at last.
And daily blogging.
There is so much you need to know.

The Little Notes from Rose Valentine Part One

2010-05-08T00:44:00.004-04:00

When things get too happy, too good, too splendid, too wonderful...
Something's cleary wrong.
Life's sweetest pleasures can have the most terrible aftertastes.
This is how my heart is beating at this moment- it is beating in it's happiest pace.
So scary.
I feel as if I'm falling in too deep so soon, so quickly. Can you make it stop please? Thankyou.

Teenage Rose-Intro

2010-05-05T06:17:00.002-04:00

After Spring Break, clearly I've been unbelieveably busy.
My apologies, honestly. I hope you, my fellow readers have not stopped checking on the blog on a frequent basis. This horrible school year finally ends on the 26th of May. I'm elated, estatic for summer. Things have gotten much better. I had my first prom on the 24th with the most amazing guy and I now have "B's" in chemistry and math. (Honestly, math and anything that deals with math gives me much trouble) And somehow, like an unrealistic daydream, I am now in a relationship with a great guy. Rasul. He was my prom date. :) I think there were something in those dim lights on the dancefall that caused him to draw me closer to him. Very comical.

You are royalty

2010-04-05T11:21:00.003-04:00

Happy Belated Easter, my darlings.
I hope it was merry with all the delicious Easter candy you could devour.
Christ has risen. That is the best gift that anyone on this earth could ever receive. The gift is so large that even the most evil people in the world get to unwrap the love Christ blessed us with and wear it like a cloak. This school year, I have felt terribly distant from the Lord. My spiritual life is much more important than my commitment to school, my dreams, and just about anything else. God is the only one that keeps me going. He gives me hope, love, and strength, that a human being could not possibly give to me. I only pour out my heart to Him.For the longest time, I seldom open up my heart to anyone. That is because I feared of having that connection snapped and taken advantage of. But, I cannot live like that can I? I've tried that numerous times, and ended up wounding someone I really care about.
The Lord shows me the way. I have no fear.
In my eyes, I believe all of are our God's child, born of royalty.
You are beautiful, girls. And boys, you're handsome. I feel as if guys don't hear that enough. Everyone so focused on the girls and how the feel, but people often forget that boys need to hear that they're good and wonderful and that they can change the world too.God made each and every one of us special with our own ingredients. Our ingredients being, our likes and dislikes and our own hopes and dreams.
So yes, girls we do deserve to be treated like princesses, because we are! But, we musn't forget about the boys. Each boy is deserved to be treated like a prince. We were all created by royalty, by the King of the Heavens, the Lord of love... of everything that is good and that is near and dear to our hearts.
Love each other how Jesus loves us.
And my dear, you'll be happy... forever.

Apologies are never enough

2010-04-01T23:05:00.005-04:00

Apologies are just never enough.
I'm sorry.
So simple and yet at times... they carry no weight.
Can those words really heal the wounds that have been created?
No.
Can those words truly fix anything and everything?
My dear.
I beyond remorse for what I have done to you.
Words cannot describe my deepest regrets. You deserve better.
I know you love me- your words replay in my head like my favorite lyrics to a song, they brought chill to my bones and an ache to my heart. The dreams you had of "us", your passion, everything- yes, you were true.&& , yes... I should of told you from the getgo that my flame for you was not flickering as bright as yours- my feelings just went towards your words and not your love.
I was wrong. So terribly wrong.
Please believe me when I say that your words do mean something and that my intentions were not to hurt you. I know my wall was beating you in the heart, and I did not bother to peak on the other side to see if you were alright. I am disgusted with myself, I broke everything.
I shattered you. And, you've gone through so much in a number of years, in such a short period of time...
Last night I felt the same punches you faced, the same rocks that blocked your words. My wall was a selfish, false, protection. After last night and after everything that we said...
I felt as if I've lost something. I called you back.
Nine pm to Six am. I lost your trust.
We didn't even sleep, love.
Five years,my God you've loved me for five years.
In your eyes, I saw the love. God told me that you always wanted my heart. He told me that my wall would ruin everything. And now look at us. Because of my selfish decision, our five year friendship is somewhat tainted. There's a distance between us now, I cannot stop staring at the telephone.
I know you're thinking about "us," my love. You speak of "us", you dream of "us"- all the time.
Your heart is so beautiful. It is the prettiest gem in the world, my dear. You're able to love just how God wants us to love others. You have that wonderful ability that so many of us do not even possess. You're more than fantastic.
You have never kissed me love, nor held my hand, or touched me in anyway.
Your love is true.
We didn't sleep last night, love.
Six am.
I lost someone you wanted me desperately, who was able to love me for me, you embraced every flaw, laughed at my every joke, and gazed at me with tender eyes.
You.
There's so many things that I want to say, but I know nothing will go back to the same. The apologies will never be enough. You say forgive me, but your heart is tearing from the seams. Tears of shame are trailing from my cheeks and onto my blouse. I deserve your anger. You are so gentle, my dear. Yes, your words were sharp, but you dared not to curse or raise your voice. Why did you apologize to me? You haven't done anything wrong. There is no such thing as feeling the wrong way, I have never heard of such a thing.
Hearts are never, ever, wrong. They can tell time, the time to do right and to say the right thing. The heart is where God speaks through us-through love. That is why hearts are so fragile.

Rosalina.
You screwed up. So very badly.
I can't stand myself.
God.
He's going through so much. I made matters worse. Much worse.
My bestfriend...

"You know, despite of all what has just happened, I still love you to pieces."

"What? After what I've done to you?!" I burst into tears of shock and relief.
I'm praying for you, babe. God will heal you, I promise. Look at him and open up your heart.
& the walls came tumbling down...

I miss you

2010-03-27T08:16:00.003-04:00

I cannot believe I've been gone for this long.

My deepest apologies. A lot has been going on in my life this past now, and more than half of them are just nightmares. Schoolwork included.

My family's torn apart. My father made a huge mistake and we will never be the same again. He broke my heart.The pain in my heart feels so real. I remember that day last week when I was in hysterics because the pain was growing in my chest like a monster, I remember clutching to it. My family has always been dysfunctional, but this time my father has crossed the line. I don't even want to speak to him anymore. Again and again, he pulls the victim card and makes all of us feel low and emotionally and verbally abused. I can't take it anymore. My mother wants to leave, and so do my sisters and I.

Enough is enough. Can I call you my father now?

I cannot free myself from the pain and anger that I feel towards him. I don't even want to.

There is no where for us to go.

My dad claims that he pays for everything and that we should appreciate him more because he worked hard to get a raise and blah blah, all that crap I don't even care about. Does all of that really matter? I mean, who else is suppose to pay for school tuition and bills? You're the parent!

I am sick with rage of how my father treats my mother. I have NEVER seen such disgusting disrespect in my life. How dare you, daddy?

I can remember everything that he said last week. I can write them down and the quotes can become the book that shocks the world.

I am deeply disturbed that my little sister is witnessing such emotional and verbal horror. No, my father has not laid one finger on any of us, but he has done things that feel as if he left bruises on our hearts. My mother is so strong. I don't know what I'll do without her. My loves, I wish to tell you what has happened last week, but not right. It's much too much.

Moving on to a lighter subject, I am here to announce that school has really been taking over my life. (Hence my long absence.) I am so occupied that I can hardly attend my weekday workouts. Talk about getting extrememly fat! And prom is in a month. Micah surprisingly did not ask me. Actually, not a lot of guys take interest in me-more like none. The boys who have taken interest are all outside of school. I asked my friend who goes to school downtown(aka. the hot photographer) and he said yes. :) His name is Rasul and he's very nice and extrememly good-looking. It was my mother's idea to ask him and I'm glad she brought me to it. I'm getting my dress today, finally.
Thankyou for listening.

Look at that photograph. Isn't that girl so breathtakenly goregous? Gawd, I wish I looked like that.

I've lost it all

2010-03-02T18:30:00.001-05:00

My writing.
I've lost it all.
I have no talent, no strength.
Feverishly, I scribble down my ideas on paper and when I try to elaborate, there is nothing.
I've lost it all.
I can't write.
Blank.
No talent, no talent at all.

Happy Birthday Baby!

2010-02-27T09:06:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday blog!

This blog has brought me such joy in the past two years. Seriously. I would not have met so many wonderful readers, including a soul sister. Although my posts have somewhat ceased, I do hope that I have some loyal readers around. I don't receive a lot of comments anymore. I guess it's quite annoying to visit a blog that hardly updates. Sorry, loves. I'm a junior in highschool and a cheerleader. School takes ample amount of time and cheerleading takes the time that I don't have. It's totally insane. Anyway, I'm spending the weekend at my cousin's dorm at the University of Georgia, and I'm having a blast! I absolutely love college and the boys are extremely attractive as well!

Philophobic

2010-02-25T19:15:00.004-05:00

And so..
Life goes on.
Junior year has been the worst year of my life. From extreme(and I mean, extreme) school stress to family, my life has been horrendously and bitterly unlucky. Things are slightly getting better now. Cheerleading is finally over and I get to study more, rest, and of course write to you, my readers.
I've missed you dearly.
I promise I will blog more starting next week. I cannot wait for the summer. I will be free- well, not really. College applications, great fun. I'm applying to Emory and Georgia Tech so far. I already have my academic plan all. I am going to major in psychology, minor in Spanish(such a beautiful language. I adore learning and speaking it so much) and go onto law school, and print model part time. I want to make something out of myself. I refuse to back out and settle for the "less and easy." God and school are my main focus. Especially God. He never ever lets me down.

It's Lent and I have given up eating meat until Easter. It's been so very, very, difficult. By the way,Micah and I are not dating. People began to talk and ask me and my friends if I were dating Micah. It was quite irritating. Some of the girls even began to make fun of me, because I was having a "thing" (Yeah... not really) with Micah. Too make a long story short, Micah became very clingy and obsessive.I can't deal with that,I have no patience for clingy guys. Naturally, I love space. A boy doesn't have to call me and text me at very blessed hour. Micah is a wonderful friend to have, though. I can't lose that. Micah has had a rough time, and he really doesn't have any friends. He told me that I'm really the only person he can talk to.

I value friendships too much. But the boy kept treating me as if I were his girlfriend and I had to confront him about this demeanor.I don't like to put people done like that(especially when romantic feelings are involved in some way) but it had to be done. I'm so sick of these stupid flings and such. Seriously, let's just be friends. Friendship is one of the most precious gifts on earth. Many people underestimate it's powerful warmth and glow. Besides, love is and will always be a fail for me. I just can't seem to get it right. But that's quite alright. I don't need it and I don't care. I have ample amount of time for that. Speaking of friendship, one of my bestfriends, Zach Knight and I have been getting really close to each other lately. We've known each other since we're 12 and now we're 17. It's a lovely story and I MUST tell you all later.

Brody is talking to me again. Isn't that funny? I wonder what he wants. He hasn't spoken to me in three months and just about two weeks ago, he starts texting me like it's no big deal. "What up, Rose it's been a long time."

My blog anniversary is on Saturday. Two years!
Wow.

17 Confessions

2010-02-07T23:09:00.001-05:00

I celebrated my 17th birthday on a rainy day, Feburary 5.
It was such a lovely day.
When I opened my locker, I was immediately greeted by a dozen pure white roses, a ballon, and a card from Micah. I couldn't thank him enough. As he watched my face glow, he gazed at me with longing eyes. "I'm so glad you love them, Rose. I know those are your favorite flowers. I bought a dozen,you see? It took the florist two weeks to find them." I was utterly amazed and thoroughly flattered. White roses are the flowers of the Virign Mary and they signify purity. That is my reason why I adore them so much. The girls who were around all cooed and gasped when they saw me cradle the bouquet in my arms. "Micah! One of them shrilled. "Did you get those for her? Aww you're so sweet!" A couple of girls approached me in the hallways and asked if Micah and I we were dating. I laughed and repiled with an innocent, "no." In Church History class, Savanna raised her eyebrows and said,"He loves you, Rose. Seriously. Like, oh my gosh, a dozen freaken roses?! Let me read the card."
Happy 17th Birthday, Rose.
You have no idea how much I value the deep connection that we have, nor how much it is a blessing to me.The best is yet to come!
Micah.
P.S- Can't wait for the monastery!
I read his message three times, staring at his boyish cursive. I was thrilled and feel so special. A guy has never, ever, made such an effort for me. Micah had arrived to school very early to put the roses in my locker. He wanted to get there before I did.
After school, he was waiting by my locker. We hugged again and as usual he departed with a smile saying, "I'll call you later."
My girls took me out for dinner and a movie for my birthday.(Dear John was quite disappointing I must say...) It was so much fun. We drove around blasting Boys Like Girls, Cobra Starship, and Lady Gaga. I love my friends with all of my heart. We really needed that g.n.o. After our night out, I arrived home around eleven and I put my roses in a vase. My mother was quite pleased. "Aw how sweet, she cooed. Wow, some adults don't even do this. Does he have a job?"
"No, I laughed. "This was probably quite expensive. I mean, white roses don't even bloom at this time of year. " My mother chuckled. "Go and show your father." I smiled and proceeded to his office. My dad was taken aback. "What?! Who's the boy?!"
Oh fathers... :)
I received a lot of phone messages, including one from Hunter. It was very sweet."Hey Rose, this is Hunter. Anyway, I was justing calling to wish you a Happy Birthday, and I hope you have a great one. I wish I can see you to wish you a real one, but the best I can do is call you. You know I love you and you can call me anytime."
I love being seventeen already. I feel like so many brand new happy things are coming along.
Man.
I feel so disconnected from this blog. I'm sorry my posts have been minimal and boring. I've just been so incredibly busy this semester. I don't even get sleep on the weekends. Oh and how's very dissatified with the Super Bowl this year? I AM FOR SURE. Number one, the Colts deserved the win much for then the Saints.(Who dat? Wow... seriously. That's obnoxious ha) and number two, the commericals were absolutely terrible! Anyway, back to the sleep deprivation schedule.. oh Mondays.
Why do we make our lives so dull sometimes?

I haven't forgotten you

2010-01-31T00:40:00.005-05:00

Oh my.
It's been quite some time, hasn't it?I love this blog with all my heart-honestly, I do. Time is a factor. Schoolwork has piled up, cheer is really starting to drag down my schedule, and well, life continues to move on and bring me problems. My readers, I am going to try to update every week at least once. I feel so strangely disconnected from you all, and it's seriously bothering me right now. I need to make an effort.
Things have changed.

No more Hunter. My dad forbids me to see him because of his mohawk. You don't know how terribly upset I was before. Hunter wants to see me again and really, I'm just really tired of reciting the whole story. It's alright, now. Yes, my dad is way out of line here, but there isn't anything I can do. There are many, many, ways that Hunter and I could sneak around but it's just not worth it. Maybe one day when my dad finally realizes that hair is "just hair" we could see each other again. As of right now, I've moved on from the angry feelings and lost my quickly acquited feelings for Hunter. We talk and text quite a bit. And surprisingly, the more I talk to him, the more I realize that Hunter really isn't for me. Why?
He's not Troy. I can't be his girl.

Oh woes me, the Queen of Flings. That's what Evan and I call ourselves. We would like to be in a relationship- not a serious one-just real teenage love. Valentine's Day is going to be horrible just like any other year. I've never had a real Valentine.
"Have you talked to your daddy yet? I really want to see you again."

Things in the family are just absolutely disgusting. There's a flaming family feud going on between my father and my unlce and aunt. It saddens me, really. I can see the anger and hate blazing in my father's eyes whenever he speaks of the verbal fights. My mom is sick of my dad's outrageous temper.

I'm losing my confidence in school and cheerleading. My grades are just fine as of right now, but I want to do better. I'm always sleep deprived. Cheerleading is biting me in the butt and I want the season to end at this moment. The games were a lot of fun this weekend, considering the fact there were two very special people in the stands watching me cheer. My coaches and some of the other girls on the squad are always getting onto me about something. I am such a terrible cheerleader. I probably won't letter this year and my college cheer dreams are wearing out. I think modeling would be something I'm looking into pursuing as a parttime career. I have my first audition/interview on Tuesday! I received a wonderful call yesterday after school. :) I am very happy.

My friend Alyssa is pregnant. She's doing very well and I'm praying for her. She's very excited for her baby boy and I'm going to be there for her. Keep Alyssa in your prayers as well. Pregnancy is a wonderful gift, but since she is so young, things are going to get pretty hectic. I'm worried. I can't imagine myself carrying another beating heart inside of me. At this moment, that frigthens me to death.

I've made a wonderful, wonderful, new friend over the MLK weekend. His name is Micah, but in my heart I call him 'Troy in the making.'

That's how lovely he is inside. He has this heart-firing love for Jesus that it makes me melt. I'll tell you everything about him later on.

I've always seen Micah around at school. He looks like my first love, Chris Angel. (I'm sure many of my old readers remember him.)I've always thought he had an adordable face. There is a Sadie Hawkins dance coming up in a few weeks for basketball Homecoming. Mel thinks that I should ask Micah to the dance, but I'm not too sure if I want to attend.

My 17th birthday is next friday- The fifith of Febuary. It's Friday night, and I'm going to be out with my girls. Micah wanted my locker combination, because he has planned a surprise for me. He also has a song for me on the piano and he's recording it. I get to see it live on my birthday in the school band room. :)

Prom is in April and I've done some small planning. I'm going to start dressing shopping next month. I have a layout of everything I need. One problem is finding a fellow or getting asked by a fellow. I have an ample amount of time. I also have my prom photoshoot planned out as well. I thinking of sigining up for a prom model search.

Expect another update early Friday morning.

Hunter

2010-01-08T20:46:00.008-05:00

Hunter smells really nice.
I like him.
The date went really, really, well. We went to watch the movie called, 'Avatar.' Throughout the movie, I caught Hunter turn his head to gaze at me, and I couldn't help but smile. He made me laugh and he wore my favorite color to make me smile. "See? he said, unzipping his jacket, and revealing a pale pink polo. "That's why I asked you what your favorite color was. I wanted to wear it for you."Isn't that lovely? :) How thoughtful. Hunter was gentlemen. And like a gentlemen, he had offered to pick me up from my house, but my parents wouldn't allow it. Hunter texted me fifteen minutes before my arrival,saying that he was excited to see me. Hunter has a very attractive face, but his mohawk is bit too extreme. My father is ridiculous, and he doesn't want me to be around the boy. "I don't want people think that my daughter is a 'groupie' and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable." (Groupie? What the frick is that? And did I say I was uncomfortable? Quit putting words in my mouth, Daddy. He's not a thug for crying out loud!)

My mom was impressed with how he introduced himself to her, but his extreme hairstyle caught her off guard. "He's a very bright and polite young man and he was dressed nicely too,my mother had stated, as we watched Hunter trail off to his stunning red mazda mx-5. "But his hair gives people the wrong idea about him, you know?" Hunter really is an attractive guy. He was worried that my parents wouldn't like him, because of his hair. While we were strolling aroudn the mall, he had inquired if my parents minded that I'm out on a date with a white guy. I just had to laugh. "No, they really don't mind, I chuckled. " My sister's boyfriend is white.It doesn't matter at all. We welcome everybody. Hunter smiled. "That's good, same with my parents. They don't care either."

I wish he would grow out his hair, because when he had before, his blue eyes stood out much more beautifully. Sure, people were staring at us at the movies, but I can honestly say that it didn't bother me at all. Who cares, really! They can can judge us all they want. I don't know them, so therefore I do not care.I'm deciding not to get worked up about his hair, and just give the guy a chance. Hunter is such a sweet person and he likes me. My dad is bitter about him and I must say, I have never been so pissed off with my father in my life. Yes, yes, of course I will ask Hunter what made him change his hair, and discuss how the style may send people the wrong idea, but I'm not going be a snob and turn him away.

Whether Mr. Valentine likes it or not, I'm seeing Hunter this weekend, and many more weekends after that. He did not want me to go on the date, after he explored Hunter's pictures of his mohawk on facebook. Even mother surprised me by saying that she would not have let me go if she had seen his hair beforehand. I told you, my darlings. My parents are snobs. (More so my dad, then my mom though) This is not even serious, my goodness! We're just being flirty teenagers.
Hunter said that he wants to take me out for lunch and for me to meet his mommy. :)

New year... new guy?

2010-01-04T03:28:00.002-05:00

Well. What a pleasant surprise.
I have a date today. It's three thirty in the morning and I'm awake.
I'm not nervous, I'm actually feeling quite happy. It's a nice way to start a week and to end a fun Christmas break.
The boy's name is Hunter. I met him through Rasul and he said that he wanted to do a photoshoot with me. He's sweet. When you look at Hunter, you will automatically say, "Oh yeah, he's total b.a." With those gorgeous blue eyes, the kid has an incredible body... and a mohawk.
"Oh my, my mother would say. "You're certainly not taking him to prom are you?" I know for sure my prim and proper parents would not approve of Hunter's hair. But, the boy is intelligent and he's the gentleman that you would like to take home. Sure, he is a lot cuter without the mohawk, but he has a beautiful face and I'm just trying to get to know him. I'm thoroughly shocked that a guy like him would even take the time and day to speak to me. Hunter is different.
I like it.
What really catches my eyes or his eyes, dear Lord talk about such beauty. He's got a striking personality as well- football player, racing cars, track, swimming/diving, motocross, gymnastics and male cheerleading. AH. PERFECTION. I cheer, you cheer, we match. :) I can honestly say, my darlings that I don't know this boy very well (it's obvious anyway)but that will soon change.
It's been awhile since I've been on a date.

Beauty vs. The Brain

2010-01-03T10:39:00.002-05:00

Beauty is a contest isn't it?
Women. Let's admit it, we sometimes do the craziest things to look gorgeous. From getting our eyebrows threaded to even botox, the competition never seems to end. We would spend ample amount of money every single year on all sorts of beauty products. Men would look at our dressers and bathrooms with confusion. What is this? What does this thing do? Or how my guyfriends would put it, "Dude, what's the point?" The point is, is that women get too much attention. It's quite simple. From the red carpet to even Weddings, women are always being looked at. If a woman gains weight, oh my the whole world seems to notice and point. Whereas if a man gains weight, no one says a word. How come? Why does society work like this? Women often fell pressure to look pretty whenever they step out of the house. I often feel that way too. I spend twenty minutes on makeup everyday. I can't even go to school without wearing makeup. I do not know if I should classify this behavior as superficiality or insecurity. I have a question and I'm curious to see what kind of answers I will get.

What makes a man look twice?

Beauty, right? Is that way women nearly kill themselves to look beautiful all the time? Threading eyebrows DO kill. Dear Lord.

But, what makes not only a man stay, but everyone else?

Brains.

The brain is a wondrous thing. It's amazing how many memories and information this body part can store. You would think that the brain needs a new battery every single day. I would like to inform myself how the brain really operates and how on earth some people gain such strong, natural, intelligence. Intelligence looks attractive on everyone. "Knowledge is power", and it can lead you to new discoveries and send you to the highest of clouds. Intelligence leads to strength, and what human being wouldn't want that? I recall a very distinct memory of myself way back in middle school about my craving, the ultimate obession of gaining intelligence. I read and studied literally every single day. Reading lead me to my twelfth grade reading comprehension ability, the following. Studying hard (avoiding trifling boys and drama) led to good, strong, a's and b's. The intelligence gave me attention I desired from peers. I wanted more and more. I even attempted to read the dictionary for pity's sake. In middle school, I wasn't considered about beauty in the least. I really wasn't. I didn't wear makeup and I really didn't want to. I just wasn't interested nor did I care. Sure, I took care of myself-shower, teeth, hair, but when it came to physical attraction...nah.

Obviously, I gave in of course. Not until my sophomore year of highschool. I gave in to daily makeup. I'm a junior now. Many girls consider that "late," but I feel sorry for those who started off early. Why?

They never got to discover what natural beauty is and how to appreciate it.

Now I'm just like everyone else-makeup is my dependent and achieving beauty overall, is a distraction. Women, wouldn't we like to be praised for our brains instead of our beauty?

Yes. What a stupid question, right?

Yeah, but how many of us would truthfully say yes? Which of the two(beauty or brains) would give you the attention that our hearts desire? Which of the two gives us the attention that we all can't help but want?

Question: Why do fathers often freak out when their daughters are starting to wear makeup?

Well, why do we honestly wear makeup, ladies? We wear it, not only to feel comfortable in our skin, but we wear it because of men. In our hearts, it is a natural desire for us to please men, and men respond to beauty.

"You really can't have both, my cousin Jonah had told me one day. People are usually half and half. I haven't met anyone who was so beautiful and had Einstein's brains."

Jonah.

Where the heck have you been? Hahaha. Silly boy. They're everywhere! Look at Emma Watson, for example! Why, it's all of us, right? Every women is intelligent in her own way and we are all gorgeous.

Let's focus on what is more important, shall we ladies. Let's see what our Father says about outward appearance:

Proverbs 31:30-"Charm is deceptive, and beauty if fleeting:but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Beauty is fleeting. What is the definition of fleeting? Ah, yes.

There is our answer.

Another night alone

2009-12-31T17:02:00.003-05:00

Rose Valentine is such a lonely girl.
I'm feeling quite miserable right now. I haven't got any major plans for the New Year. Of course there are parties out there, but guess who never gets invited? My friends are either going to parties, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. I'm feeling so friendless and lonely right now. Why hasn't anyone invited me? I can't believe I'm celebrating the New Year just at Maggiano's Little Italy with my family, then go back to sulking in my room.
Awful.
I had a g.n.o last night and it was fantastic. My girls and I talked about how we wished that we got invited to fun parties. Our school is small and private, so everyone belongs in their own little clique. If you really wanted to be the center of attention- well you can't just be the good angels. That's obvious.
I refuse to take a sip of alcohol, run any bases with a guy, or grind. I think that is the reason why people don't invite me. Several times, I've been asked if I were considering to become a nun. "Oh Sister, Rose." Oh, for heaven's sake, of course not! I most certainly don't look like a nun. I love mini-skirts, I wear a bit more makeup then I should, and I wear ripped jeans! (Well, if their appropriate of course. Some mini-skirts are much too "mini.") I just have the desire to be good and be an angel in Christ. It's amazing how people don't understand that.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll find somewhere to go. I wish I had more invites.
Or excuse me, invites. I hardly get any. I hear about the parties all the time but the same people get invited. And of course, we mingle with the local schools which must be a blast, because meeting new people is always nice. I know tons of kids outside of my school it's just that I don't talk to them often. I guess I'm not that much fun to be around with. I don't know why, but tonight I just wish some stupid boy would just take me out. You know, someone who would like to see me and open the New Year together. I would have an excuse to get all dolled up in a pretty sparkly dress. Gosh, I shouldn't of watched the Notebook again. Stupid Rose. :)
This is my first New Year's without a dress. There was always a family party somewhere but this year, family activities have fallen out.

Happy New Year! I definitely hope that your night is much better than mine. Seriously.
I believe that each and every year, God brings everyone really big and happy surprises. I wonder what my surprise would be?

New Year's Bash

2009-12-29T15:00:00.005-05:00

Why is it so difficult to achieve New Year's resolutions?
It's so easy for the human mind to drift and wander. Motivation gets lost. We've got to fight the temptation to lose. Imagine how much happier the new year would be. Just close your eyes and see yourself smile.
I have my resolutions placed in three categories. Categorizing them on the computer makes my resolutions appear less intimidating and challenging. I know I will conquer them, because I believe it in my heart. Their not unrealistic, either-they're my dreams. Every single one of them.
This year I've learned that love is not what my heart desires the most. In fact, relationships frighten me. The heart can really hurt, you know. Really hurt. It will still beat, but with bruised beats and that is where the pain comes from. And that is what scares me- a beating bruised heart. You can't take pills to make the pain vanish. You have to use the invisible bandages like God's love to save you. The simplest things like, lyrics to a song or even a photograph can hypnotize you into sick. I am caught in some sort of "Forbidden Romance" and it's scaring me and puzzling my mind.
"You have feelings for me?"
"I do, I can't explain, but I really do. You're my girl, Rose and you always will be."
Long story and I'm most definitely saving it for another post. Love is not worth my time or my heart.
Dreams seem more promising.

Dreams can vanish very quickly, very fast. One accident can ruin everything. Just one. Dreams are fragile. You have to have an open heart, a clear mind, and an optimistic look to achieve them. Not everything goes as planned. But with God on your side and Jesus holding your hand, there is no defeat. With them two, you will have the ball in your hands and make the touchdown, the goal, the hoop...
And then you'll do a little dance. :)
I have learned quite a lot this past year. It's been lovely, stressful, and wow talk about major explosions. From academics to everything else, some point throughout the year, things were breaking apart. Balancing school and cheer was a major challenge, dating a jerk for six months was disgusting, and friends? Dear Lord. The Homecoming drama and breaking into pairs and (gossiping about each other within those pairs) was just absolutely immature and utterly ridiculous. My girls and I were definitely bringing out the claws to the point we were all screaming all at once, "PLEASE. Can we tame ourselves?!" I will never understand how girls and women can be so nasty and harsh to each other. I remember telling my father about this and he was right, we were going through a phase. Friends drift apart all the time. Anyway, 2010 is fast approaching and I've got big plans for this blog.

The Truce-
I, Rosalina Nastassia Valentine swear on my heart that I will give myself one rockin' new year. :)
The Goals:
Academic

More a's. I have way too many b's.
Focus more. Everyday is National Nerd Day.

Cheerleading

Sign up for tumbling classes and get backhandspring. C'MON LET'S GO.
Higher and better jumps
Tryout for competition. (Let's not repeat last year's disaster, now shall we? Oh my gosh no.)

Modeling

More photoshoots. Send to magazines.Finish portfolio
Sign up for an agency.
Sign up for contests

2010! It's going to be a bash!
What to look forward to:
-License
-SAT.(HA. I'm totally joking. I'm quite nervous. I want to get into a good college)
-Lucky 17 photoshoot with the beautiful Emily White and the stunning Alexis Johnson. My friends. :)
-Lucky 17 birthday bash or sophisticated dinner. I'm trying to decide.
-My first prom!!(found some lovely dresses already!)
-Hopefully more to come!

&& the most important... the number one.
Getting closer to Christ.

Its not yet over

2009-12-27T15:05:00.006-05:00

Merry Christmas! I hope your holiday was lovely!

I went to church at midnight on Christmas Eve with my family and then we arrived home around one in the morning and opened gifts. Yes, Catholics are crazy. :) I got a nice set of earrings, a very pretty wallet, bedroom slippers, earphones, itunes card, Burberry scarf, the best room spray ever,a dress, and other miscellaneous things.

Anyway, it's still Christmas and I've refused to stop listening to Christmas carols and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Twelve days of Christmas, remember? Although, I am thoroughly excited for the New Year. I don't have any plans yet(unfortunately. I have no idea what I am to do) but I'm most definitely going out. I'm going to the mall on Tuesday to buy a sparkly dress for the occasion. I have so many plans for the new year. 2009 was not a year I could look back with a smile, but I will say that this was the year when I finally did some growing up and things just blew up in my face. These are thoughts I would love to share with you, my readers. Expect a post on the eve.

Right now, I must go and ready myself for evening Church. And my favorite football team is playing. Go Falcons!

A Holiday Cheer

2009-12-21T12:41:00.017-05:00

Some pictures from the photoshoot. :) By Rasul. I love these pictures, but with the camera there is always something I'm not satisfied with- my eyebrows. I get them done and I'm never satisfied. My eyebrows are just naturally ugly and I think it ruins the pictures. Rasul is an amazing photographer, and because of him I have the confidence to become a photo model. :)

You don't need a mistletoe

2009-12-20T09:20:00.002-05:00

You don't need a significant other to enjoy Christmas.
All you need is your family and your church- to celebrate the birthday of Christ together. This year, I don't want Santa to bring me Troy.
Who is Troy?
Many of you should remember Troy from last Christmas time. Enter the name,"Troy" on here and read the December post. In ten days, he would be missing for one year.
And counting?
This year, I want Santa to bring me my dreams. Every single one of them. God has got that covered though. :) Time will tell. So, I guess this Christmas season I really don't know what I want this season. I'm excited for the new year as well. I have so many plans for 2010. 2009 was not a great year for me at all. I learned some pretty harsh lessons that I will discuss on here in due time.
I have learned so many things. Many of them in a painful way.
Especially love. Seriously, forget that. My mom always tells me that I should focus on making something out of myself and then focus on love when I have my career going and everything. I can honestly see myself being single for a long time. I just don't care about being a relationship. I don't need it. They always hurt me and the disappointment is just not worth it. I want my dreams. All of them.
All at once.
That's all I want.

Christmas Joy

2009-12-19T21:10:00.005-05:00

I am feeling so happy.
It's incredible.
My first photoshoot went extremely well today. I'm going to be one of Rasul's models for his business AND he's sending my photos to his father's modeling agency in New York. I couldn't believe it. He told me that I have the potential to be a model and he wants me to try it. My goodness, me? Rose Valentine? Modeling in New York? 2010 is going to be so amazing! I cannot wait to see the pictures. Rasul is posting them on facebook tomorrow evening. He's so sweet and gosh, what a beautiful talent he has.
I love my daddy. He spoils me. :) He's going to throw me a big bash for my seventeenth birthday(Febuary), and he's signing me up for tumbling lessons. Finally, I can go onto competition cheerleading.
And finally the license in January(finally... dear Lord) and a car later.
Oh, and did I mention that I making my blog into a book? :)
It's quite possible. I'm picking fifty posts and I'm going to send them in into a writing company.
Help me choose?
Man. I love Christmas time.
Justin Beiber lives ten minutes away from me. Yes... he does. And, he applied to the private school that I go to, but he's obviously not planning to attend anymore. SO. WEIRD. I'm really not a fan of him. Ha.
By the way, I saw Brody last night. ( Broke up a month ago, haven't seen each other in two.)He wasn't happy to see me. I greeted him with a cheerful hello and he didn't smile back or speak. He just gave me a quick wave. Our basketball teams were playing against each other. I was cheering and he was playing. His team won. Brody's school is filthy rich and gorgeous and famous people's kids have gone to that school. I honestly did not want to be there last night. I was so distracted, because we were so close. I cheered my absolute worst. My coach yelled at me.
But you know...who cares? Just a boy, honestly.
I have a lot to look forward to, and I praise God for that. I really, really, wish I could of gone to that gig tonight with Mel. Oh well. Lonely Saturday nights are about to change when those car keys start shakin' in my pocket. :)

Christmas Wish

2009-12-17T21:21:00.003-05:00

"When you look out the window, what do you see?"

Pain.

"No, no... what do you see? The lovely trees, the birds... the snow looks mighty fine today."

I see pain.

The therapist was getting very impatient. Getting a grip on his clipboard, he pursed his lips and looked at his patient with flaring eyes. The doctor didn't have time for silly games.

"Okay... fine. Show me."

The boy turned and looked at him with watery eyes. Slowly but surely, the teenaged boy unrolled his sleeves and revealed fresh cuts and scares that were decorated all over his wrists. The cuts and scars were shaped like hearts, each hurt had a lighting bolt shaped going down the middle. The therapist was getting very apprehensive. " Uh, have you anymore? he asked, in a strained voice. The teenaged boy shook his head. He got up from the sofa and walked towards the window they were looking at just moments ago.

"Whenever I look outside, I see broken hearts everywhere I go. I can't stand it. I can't stand seeing pain- I just want to feel it myself so that person doesn't have to feel pain at all. I want to take that pain away. You see that yellow house down the street- you know, the one with the red car? There's a couple in there who just lost their only daughter in a car wreck. Their daughter was being beaten by her bestfriend and they crashed into a brick wall. And you know the house next to that house? The brown one, on your left-well, there's a guy who lives there and he's really lonely. He cheated on his wife-he had been for over two years. He tried to shoot himself when his wife found out, but the wife took the gun from his hand and shot herself. Sometimes I go over there to help him weed his garden or whatever. He's invited me a couple times for dinner and he helps me with my trig homework. It's painful to be lonely-don't you think?

The teenaged boy took a deep, shuddering breath. He didn't dare look at the therapist who was his blank stare. The boy could feel the stare piercing his back. "Go on." the therapist spoke quietly. The boy nodded, still gazing out into the window. "Well, you know that house across from me? The really big white one? Looks like a castle, doesn't it? A girl lives there- a really beautiful girl. The boy began to shook. Tears were trailing down his cheeks. The therapist still hung back. She's so pretty that whenever I get mad at her, I can't yell at her. She's just like my mom and that's why I love her. I gave her everything, mister.Everything any girl could dream of. You see, my parents are very rich so I showered that girl with gifts from Tiffany to Ralph Lauren. I took her to Paris for her birthday and kissed her under fireworks. I gave her everything-even my body. My body which she used, tore apart, and took. She never really wanted to love me. She just wanted to know what "it" felt like so she could brag to her friends that she is no longer a virgin.

"Was that all you liked, her prettiness?"

The boy was stung by this. He tossed the therapist a very nasty look and turned to the window. "No, he repiled, shortly. I loved everything about her. He looked up at the man with tear filled eyes. "You see my Christmas tree over there? It's pretty isn't it?" The therapist turned around and noticed the tree. The Christmas tree was breath takenly gorgeous-the lights were blinding, and the ornaments bore such heavenly glow, that the man- for a split moment thought the ornaments were diamonds. He squinted and craned his neck to take a better look at the ornaments. He was stunned. The boy noticed the therapist's reaction. "It's nice isn't? He whispered, making his way to the trees. He picked up a diamond that was hanging loosely from the leaves and pocketed it. "I add a new diamond everyday, just for her. This tree is for her."

The therapist had much difficulty feeling comfortable. He desperately wanted to leave and just prescribe the boy depression pills. But something deep inside his heart was nagging him-telling him to wait just a little bit longer. Maybe he will hear something. The therapist watched the boy play with the diamond.

"What's the girl's name?"

"Pain, the boy replied,immediately. "Broken. Like the world, you see? You see out there, mister? You see all that pain I was pointing out to you earlier?" The therapist frowned. "Yes, but-"

"No. Let me finish." The boy resorted back to the window. His tear dried face was now flushed with profound anger. His hands were clenched into fists. I just can't take this anymore. I just want everyone to be happy. That's all I want. Someone's heart breaks every forty-five seconds. I want to stop that."

The therapist dared to laugh. "What?! He snarled. That is not possible, for the world to be happy! Get it out of your head, boy."

"No, I can't get it out of my head. I want to. I really, really, do. But my heart loves so much that it explodes. All I want for Christmas are mended hearts. For everyone... even you." The boy turned to face him. His expression blank. "I see you, mister. In my sleep. I see how much you're suffering." The therapist was turning pink with embarrassment. "Shut up. Just shut right now, boy." He shook his finger at him with fury. "You are crazy, insane. I ought to send you to the asylum." The boy advanced on him. They were now face-to-face.

"Then go ahead- take me. the boychallenged, harshly. I'm sure I'll see more broken hearts I ought to fix. That's what I'm doing for Christmas, mister. I'm going to mend every broken heart in the world."

Even my own.

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed my Christmas tale. I personally don't like it.. I had some really lovely ideas and they all got lost in my studies and in my sleep. Lol. Look at the story closely. Guess the moral. I want to know how you feel.

Glowing Angels

2009-12-03T23:27:00.004-05:00

Look at this gorgeous girl, my loves. She's glowing.

She's literally glowing.

Whenever I see people smile or laugh, I immediately spot a "heavenly glow" on their face. I think smiling looks very pretty on everyone. After all, as God's children we are also his angels. I have a lot of angels in my life and they're all just gorgeous and wonderful. When I picture an angel, I see white wings, flawless faces, and glitter. What do you see,my loves? I see an angel in every single person and despite sins and wrongdoings, we are all humans with goodness in our hearts. Even in the most grimmest of faces, there's charm in there somewhere. Look into the mirror, my readers and smile. I adore the bright faces of laughing children and babies. Don't those cute little things just glow? Oh how I adore the sound of a child's laughter. That's what my mother likes as well- the sound of laughter.

Laughter.

I laugh a lot-naturally. Despite my difficulties I still manage to laugh. My mother really isn't well, and I'm trying to not to worry myself sick. Instead, I pray and pray and pray and allow my friends to make me feel happy and smile. I DO hope my mother gets better soon. She gave me such a terrible fright the another night.

I'm feeling quite alright. I think it's because I have some things to look forward to this coming weekend. Isn't it nice to have things to look forward to?

A friend of mine lifted up my hopes today. I am so excited for the adventures my friend and I are going to have with all-star cheerleading-trying to get in at least. Ha. I'm beginning to focus more and more on my dreams each and everyday. I want become lawyer and a psychologist Rodeo Drive motivates me the most.

Evil-ex nun lady made me smile today. She told me that inspire her.

My friend Valerie asked me if I wanted to become a nun at cheerleading practice yesterday. At first, I responded with a somewhat resentful tone, because I've been asked that many times. But Valerie's question was innocent, so I soon began to laugh.

Ialso have my very first photoshoot on Sunday. I'm thinking of becoming a model for the American Cheerleader magazine.(Each and everyday, I'm getting inspired and motivated to do different things and reach for my dreams. I am beginning to focus more on Christ and my dreams.) My photographer/model is called, Rasul- the hot guy from downtown. He's actually my friend's ex and he had sent me a friend request on facebook over the summer. Have I mentioned that he has the most beautiful skin complexion I have ever seen? Rasul's skin reminds me of caramel- He's positively glowing! And his smile, wow!! I look at people's smiles. I think smiles are very pretty on our faces. :)

I hear Christmas Carols, don't you?

I will never understand these terrible feelings

2009-11-22T18:00:00.003-05:00

Brody used me?
What?
And he has new girlfriend already.
Vomit. I'm trying to hold back tears as I'm writing to you.
My mom got a kidney stone and she's suffering from depression.
My cheerleading coach threatened to bench me, because I fail to remember most of the cheers. (I'm a slow learner when it comes to learning dance rountines, cheer motions, etc. All it takes is patience with me and repetition.)
My grades are slipping as the work becomes harder.
I feel like I'm losing my connection with Christ. At night before I lay down to rest, my prayers are rushed.
In general...
I hate my life.
Loathe it.
Despise it.
And oh, I honestly think that relationships, dating, and love all together is the worst thing any human can experience.
Why?
Because, we are always breaking each other apart. Too many feelings get involved and people get hurt all the time. I don't care if that's part of the process, I highly doubt God wanted human love to turn out that way. Love sucks. I'm not taking anymore chances. I don't even care if I don't meet another guy for the rest of highschool. I'm always getting hurt and disappointed.

Don't you ever give up,young pretty things

2009-11-14T20:07:00.007-05:00

Don't you ever give up, you hear me?

I mean it.

All of your lives are as precious as anyone else's. Boys and girls, you are just too darn beautiful to throw anything away. God made you. You are most definitely worth it.

Don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

You all deserve the best. All of your dreams will come true if you work hard and efficiently. Everyone deserves to be happy, to feel safe, and to be kissed. Seriously my loves, treat yourselves well. Watch a sunset. Dance in the rain and stay out all night.

Don't you ever give up, you hear me?

Chase after the things that you want. Chase after your heart's desires. And never, ever, forget about Jesus.

Don't ever give up, you young pretty thing. Everyday I'm trying to work hard in everything I do. This year, a lot of things have blown up in my face. I have to realize that the people who want to crush me are coming faster and faster. I have to fight for what I want. From college acceptances to even the cheerleading squad. Competition lurks everywhere. Must I give up?

No. Don't let competition sway you. Embrace it. Love it. Hug it.

Chances are, whatever happens, you have will make it to where you want to stand.

But-but there is one thing I have given up on. For me.

Wow, Rose Valentine way to contradict your own post.

I know, but I just want to be honest with you, my loves.

As of this day, I have officially given up on love. I'm always left disappointed and quite frankly, I just don't care. Nothing ever works out. I don't want to date, get in a relationship, or anything. Yes, I would like a prom date but a gentlemen would never ask me. I always get hit on by the "gangsters" from different schools, ha. Random guys from mutual friends would add me, talk to me, but wouldn't ever bother to make "proper "conversation. I never get asked to anything. All of the guys ask my really gorgeous friends at school.

All I need is Jesus. My faith. My church. My youthgroup, friends, and cheerleading.

Don't you ever give up, young pretty things. On anything. You all will get that love you deserve and the dreams that you dream of,

Life disappoints... over and over.

2009-11-08T22:06:00.003-05:00

I'm sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I've been saying that a lot lately. Perhaps more than I should be.
My life for the past week has been a living... hell? It's official, I'm a mess and I can't work with people. Because of a careless mistake, Brody and I are through.
Done. Six months, it's over. It would of been seven, tomorrow-his birthday. Brody wants a break, but the definition of a break is a 'break-up.' So, to me our relationship is over. I'm moving on. Brody's blaming me with his finger pointed and his ego at it's highest level. Whatever. I've wasted my time. I have never given a guy so many chances. He just pulls out the victim card and acts like he's the only one scorned.
I would explain, but honestly I've explained a thousand times. Let's just say it involved my sister Caroline, and facebook.
Stupid mini feed. Go die.
I will tell you later, loves. Or now. I should just say it.
Okay. So tell me why this facebook status,"Rose Valentine hopes to find a guy that would FINALLY give her the respect she deserves.." and a facebook comment,"KICK HIM TO THE CURB. Kick his sorry butt to curb," is a cause of a blow-up? Yes, exactly. This is why Brody is livid with me. Yes, it was wrong for me to post something like that as a status and not expect him to be upset, but instead of ignoring me and then blowing up, why couldn't he just ask what was up? Brody is so egotistical. It was ONE status, ONE comment. Yes, it's not fair for him because he wasn't told what he did wrong, but it's not like Caroline and I were trying to hurt him on purpose. We just expressed our feelings online. That's all. One time.
ONE.
I was sick of Brody bailing and bailing and not making the effort. Nor caring. Over and over. It was a disgusting cycle. Not to mention that a huge lie he told around Homecoming season that he never admitted too. Instead, Brody pointed his finger at me and called me a "stalker." I mean, there IS proof, that he lied. It's online. On his OWN facebook. Halloween night was the final straw.
Brody told me that he "legit hates my sister" and that I was mad for no reason, can't make my own decisions, I need to stop assuming things, etc.
Alright then, jerk.
I apologized several times. And I am sorry. I felt so terrible that he was pissed at me. I felt so terrible for making the status. I even apologized for Caroline. I felt so terrible that I deleted the status and the comment. Honestly, I've had enough of Brody's baby crap. Yeah, go ahead and pull out the victim card. You're not only hurt here, Brody Mingram. Instead of assuming that I was making up stories, how about you ask me why I was mad?
Throughout the whole six months, I have never felt so disrespected in my life. Brody thinks he's never wrong. I can't stand up for myself when I'm with him. I just can't. When conflicts arise,(which occurred much too often with us) he just wants to quarrel and quarrel. Brody has never apologized to me. Never. He thinks he's the hottest and brightest guy in the world. He's got a Kanye West ego. Legit.
I deserve better. It's amazing it took six months for me to realize that. My friends were disappointed that I couldn't just end things with Brody. All of them including my mother, don't think very highly of him. Especially Caroline and Evan. I don't know why I couldn't break things off with Brody. I mean, I've had before.
For a day.
"Men often disappoint." A quote from my mom. She told me that one of her male co-workers had said that to her. I was honestly near tears that night when she said this to me. I'm beginning to believe the quote, because I'm seeing it with my own eyes.I don't know how many times I've bumped into jerk after creeper, after jerk, after creeper... I am just so sick of having my girls getting trampled by a bunch of losers. I am so sick of it. Everyone is hurting.
This past week, I've had every kind of problem. School, cheer, relationships, family... gosh. I have never cried so much in one week. When Friday finally rolled along, I was feeling very down. My friends kept pointing it out that I was zoning out and looking very depressed through out the day. I had embarrassed myself in front of my history with a terribly messy project, and had let my group down. My bad feelings escalated when I failed my chemistry test that I studied really hard for. By lunch it was mid afternoon and I almost cried at lunch. My friends noticed by depressed spirits, but I couldn't get out of it.When I was speaking up in evil ex-nun's lady's class, I was on the verge of tears. We were discussing, "The Crucible" and I get incredibly nervous when I speak up in her class. So, as I was explaining the significance of a person's name, I somewhat stumbled on my words and my eyes began to water very quickly. The evil- ex nun lady knew I was upset about something, but she looked up at me with a smile. The highlight of my day- evil ex-nun lady likes for me to look into my heart.

At the end of the day, things got worse. I was peer pressured to go watch some of my friends drink themselves to death at a park before the football game. My friends and I ended not being able to find the park and I was glad. I wasn't going to drink and I didn't want to watch my friends get drunk. I was upset when I found out that Savanna had gotten drunk and rode in the car with a drunk driver. Savanna, one of my best friends- a sister. She wanted me, Lia, and Evan to be there so she wouldn't be tempted to drink.

This whole "drinking party at a sketch park", made me very angry and I was not afraid to show it. Evan just wanted to go because her crush, Jesse would be there. She didn't want to go alone. I honestly didn't care about Jesse. I was more concerned about our safety and our reps.First of all, the boys who were involved went and bought the beer from some sketch guy, while wearing our school's logo on themselves. When you look at our logo, you would be able to tell that we are Christians. We're a well-known Catholic school, so if they guy turned out to be a cop... imagine. Our school tries to shelter us so badly, but they fail each time. They forget that we're teenagers just like every other kid in the local schools. If the find out about the drinking party or parties(apparently kids do this every Friday at the same park) the whole school would be in total uproar. Besides that, they would be in such trouble for underage drinking. The boys bought forty-eight beers. Way to go, boys. I was so very happy that Lia got lost and we couldn't find the park. I only agreed to go, so I could watch out for Savanna because she wanted us to be there with her. Me, Lia, and Evan went out for dinner instead. We arrive back at school in time for the game and Savanna, the boys, and a couple of sophomores arrive at the game, drunk.
Have you noticed that a lot of songs are about alcohol overdose?
"Blame It" by Jamie Foxx, "Shots" by Lmfao, Tik Tok by Keisha... etc.
I fail to see the "joy" of getting wasted. No thanks, I'll take a coke.
I do listen to these songs though. I admit it. Not because I agree with them, it's just that they have hot dance beats. I ignore the lyrics.
Anyway...
I just hope my life gets better, because I am just so sick of the drama and problems I'm having.
This is not the whole story, by the way.
Honestly, I can't take it.
I hate my life.
I have some things to look forward to.
Let's put life in the sunlight shall we?
:)
I have a photoshoot coming up around the twentieth. I am so excited. And I'm so excited to meet the photographer. His name is Rasul and he is HOT. His smile would just melt you. I actually haven't met him before. He's my friend's ex boyfriend and he randomly added me on facebook over the summer. He's really sweet. Rasul a senior that goes to school in downtown.It's a pretty wicked school. That's where you will find a lot of the photographers and musicians. It's nice. Nice variety. Also, the first basketball game is on Thursday. I'm really happy about that. I am estatic to make signs and hand out candy to the basketball players. Each cheerleader is assigned to one player. I already have one player in mind that I would like to make signs for. Next month, basketball season may get a little crazy. We get to play against Brody's school. Our schools are not rivals, but Brody's team play like the NBA and they always have college reps appearing at their games.
Let's just hope that when Brody sees my face- beaming and cheering, he might just get a teeny bit flustered and miss the hoop. "Opps, I made a mistake."

Ruined

2009-10-20T00:13:00.004-04:00

I'm so sick of trying to make everyone happy.

I'm bouncing back and forth with my cheerleading commitment.

I'm stressed with school.

I want Grandma back. So very badly.

I can't get my license next month.(More teasing from Brody... whoopie. Ha.)

And my Halloween plans are compeletely ruined.

I have just realized that overall, my luck this year has just been so terrible. School, friends, boys, cheer, man... c'mon!!

This weekend looks promising though. I may see Brody and I'm cheering at the Georgia Dome. I'm also making this really pretty rosary with yellow string. It's quite difficult.

I need a vacation to visit my best friend, Sophia Niccum.

I need some" pain medicine" as well.

What a stupid post.

Sorry. I just needed to write.

I'm going to go pray now.

Your Pain Medicine

2009-10-14T21:10:00.000-04:00

Heartache is one of the most painful things, a human can ever feel. It is a wonder how the human heart was made like this:impatient, fragile, and easy to be tossed around. Tonight, I pray for the hurt and the brokenhearted.
Let Jesus be your pain medicine.
I feel hurt all the time. I feel hurt from my stupid mistakes-those harsh words that may slip to my silly actions. Oh yes, I honestly do. I cannot tell you how many nights I have been startled by my sleep in the middle of night, by these things. I just can't seem to accept my imperfections. But anyway, this post isn't about me.
This post is for you.
And you.
And you.
And you... yeah... you.
Gosh, I just CANNOT remember the Bible verse that goes along with this post! The verse fits so perfectly, like an engagment ring slipping on a maiden's finger. It fits... so right. Let me just give you your pain medicine, my readers.
If I can bake you a cupcake with sparkles and icing to brighten up your day... I would. Hurt and pain should be temporary. But it is so easy, for bad feelings to rob us. The world could be lovely, you know. You just have to walk with Jesus and love till your hearts break. Love till your hearts break?
Yes. Love traps us. Friendship love, relationship love, mother/daughter love... just plain love.
We get sucked in because it's simply just so easy. And when we are hurt, we feel the needles stabbing us, one by one.
Literally.
When your heart breaks, keep on lovin'. Because, love will only make you stronger, and the hurt will make your eyes wide open. But... but can't hurt block us, block us from loving? Aren't people just so sick of getting hurt? Your heart is begging you, readers. "Don't give up. Don't give up on me. Just let me heal and grow and then you can start all over again."
Let your smile be your pain medicine. Let your laughter be your joy and let the sun guide you. Don't push away the things that make you happy.
Life ends so quickly. My grandma died a week ago from breast cancer.
70.

My Series of Unfortunate Events

2009-10-10T16:12:00.001-04:00

Let's put my series of unfortunate events on fast foward, shall we?

Homecoming night was so awful. Talk about a night full of disappointments.I was on the verge of tears. Evan's car broke down, so she was unable to attend pictures, dinner, and the dance. I ended up being the only girl in the Homecoming group without a date. Dinner was terrible. I looked pathetic sitting alone in the faint dinner light, texting under the table. The dance was no better, because a lot of my friends had dates so I was constantly being ditched and forgotten. I left the dance an hour early.I can honestly say that I was very upset with Brody not being with me. I didn't even want to talk to him that night. What was his reason for not being there?

His mother.

And since when as a mother stopped a teenage boy from being with the girl he likes? Oh and it's quite funny how the next day, I find out that Brody and his friends was at my school earlier that day, for a football game. ( Pictures. Facebook stalking always has its benefits) Did he tell me that? Why no, of course not. To test him, I asked the boy what he did that saturday of my Homecoming, and he told me everything but the game.

Wow.

I got really upset the next day when I told my friends what had happened. They all think that Brody lied to me and that I should dump him. "He never makes the effort to do anything, Rose! Mel hissed. "You need to talk to him." I did, and everything is cleared up. I got over the whole situation the next day. I don't hold grudges. He didn't lie? Well, I confronted him last weekend about it after we went out for lunch and he said he doesn't remember. Chyeah...whatever.

What else?

Oh yes... the first football coach at my school died last Sunday. George B. Maloof. Man. What an incredible guy. He was a Georgia legend that's for sure. Grandma died Thursday morning and Caroline and I consoled each other and cried. We just lost Grandpa five months ago. My mother woke up in the middle of night and was wailing. Grandma was my mom's closet aunt. We all loved Grandma very much. She was in a lot of pain. She's holding hands with Jesus now. But gosh, there are alot of times where I just hate my life.

The positives?

Cheerleading and grades are getting better. I have fours a's, a b and a c. I still have time to get all a's. I have a photoshoot coming up very, very soon too. I'm not sure when, but I am excited. Last night, I went out with Zach Knight and we talked for three hours at Starbucks. It was very nice, actually. We have a really deep connection and it scares me to the point where I might have to stay away from him. I know he has feelings for me because he told me so and well, I'm seeing Brody. As much as I don't want, I have to keep my distance. What can happen between me and Zach can happen real fast. We honestly do open up to each other... even more than I do with Brody. Zach said that he was thankful to have me here and that he likes who I am. He even brought up the day we met and he remembers everything about what we had in the past. Ha.

This is totally forbidden.

Stephanie Callahan, my "big sister" wants me to go for Zach Knight. I can't and I won't allow it. Zac knows I'm dating Brody. Although, Brody and I are not exclusive, we're technically not single?? I've been with Brody for five months now. I don't want to give up it up, especially now when we are improving. Caroline has found her guy and he treats her like a princess. I am very happy for my sister. :) Hayden is his name, and he is incredibly adorable.

I am very bored today. I think I'm going to take my mom's car and go out for a spin. Maybe I could surprise my friend Renee with a visit. :) I get my license next month. Holla.

Gosh, give me a break

2009-09-25T18:38:00.001-04:00

Homecoming Football game tonight.

Why am I not there?

In my highschool career,I have never had a friday night without football is in season... yill now.

This week was just full of disappointments, stress, and drama. My girls and I are not behaving our best with each other. We have suddenly broken off into pairs and rarely share secrets with each other. Out of Mel, Evan, and Savanna, I am closest to Evan. Evan and I have always been so incredibly close. Besides my sister, Evan gets the full story of my life. To make this story short and to the point, us girls are not getting along as well as we use to. There's been Homecoming drama and all kinds of nonsense. Evan and I are just sick of it. Besides that, several things have just been awful and I always feel like I need to pitch a fit. My grades are slowly taking over my life and is affecting my relationship with Christ. I had a nice talk with Brody last night about time. My time.He basically said that I'm always really busy and that hinders us from spending time with each other. This actually did hit me when he told me this and I was beginning to see the truth. I told Brody that I need to make more time for him and he agreed. He was being very calm and mature about it and I really did appreciate that. Me and Brody's dating relationship is very relaxed and free. There's absolutely no pressure. Brody expresses his affections not so much with words, but with his actions. Sure, we act like bestfriends/ brother and sister, but whenever he grabs my hand or kisses me angelically on the forehead, I know his feelings are there. Our first kiss still brings fire to my soul. It was perfect.

My darlings, belive what I am telling you. Yes, it has been two days since I have written to you all last,and things have changed... already? I desperately need a break from people.I'm home tonight because I have two papers to work on, I am exhausted, I have to prepare for my sister's Confirmation at EIGHT FORTY-FIVE AM ,and quite frankly,I just don't care about Homecoming anymore. I don't even want to attend the dance. I am so incredibly disappointed that Brody's mother wouldn't allow him to go with me. I just couldn't help but be slightly angry and just thoroughly upset.Brody felt horrible and I performed well by hiding mydisappointment, until our friend Alexandra confronted him last night. I wish she didn't do that, but its quite alright. She told me that Brody was really sad that he couldn't go to Homecoming with me and hoped that I wasn't truly mad at him. I was never mad-just really really disappointed. He had texted me after talking to Alexandra and I could tell he was still feeling bad. Oh well. It's such a shame!!! But, Brody's homecoming is in two weeks and I hope he asks me. I think that is the reason why I'm not looking forward to Homecoming. Evan and I are the only girls in the group without dates. That's not a problem anymore, because there are like, five guys who are solo as well. I'm just jealous of Savanna and Mel because they expressed their excitement at lunch while Evan and I were like, "Yeah... whatever. Let's get this dance over with." On a lighter note, I am finally having some chill time and I'm going to get my nails done. No regrets tonight. :)

An update on life

2009-09-22T13:58:00.000-04:00

My darlings, it is so gorgeous out today. How I would love to get out of the house and shop. School was cancelled due to yesterday's flooding... and the sun suddenly broke out from the sky. I am loving this day off more than ever before. I am more than halfway down with my research paper and I got nine hours of sleep. I can honestly say for these little things, I am quite happy. I get my license on Brody's birthday((November 9th!) and a car that following weekend. I can hardly wait. Homecoming is on Saturday and our football team has beasted every single game we've had so far. My history and math grade is getting better and I'm getting a's in evil-ex nun lady's class.I surprised my old friends just a couple weeks ago and even bumped into my middle school sweetheart. && I must say that he still has that handsome face I met five years ago. Zach Knight, is his name and he was so sweet that night. He was stuttering and seemed to be very flustered. He had sent me a text saying this, "You blow my mind away. I couldn't believe it... I was stuttering and I was nervous. God, you are so beautiful. I want to see you again."

I've learned so many things about myself this month.It's quite moving. Perhaps I am really growing up. I look into the mirror and I can hardly recognize myself. I'm becoming more confident and sure of my decisions. Just last night at exactly 11:11, I planned out my life withsister, Caroline.I am going to attend Colombia U and become the "Legally Blonde lawyer/cheerleader. I seriously want to be just like Reese Witherspoon with her cute pink suit and matching dog.This blog will become a published book and I will be able to spoil my parents. Caroline is going to become a doctor and then a few years later, we will get our own flat in L.A, shop in Paris, and meet very handsome cowboys by then names of Moses and Troy. :) Caroline gets hot man MOSES and of course I get my knight and shining armor... Troy.

I love being a teenager.

It's me, dear. Rose Valentine.

2009-09-10T21:32:00.002-04:00

Are you content with your life right now?

No. Why? Let me tell you why.

I'm feeling school stress. SAT's, college, GPA, yeah the stuff that determines where my career should start off. Oh and did I mention that I wish I had money and that I didn't begin my cheer dreams so late? I really really want to be a college cheerleader but I have to work my butt of now and senior to make it on an all girls squad. I'm willing to do that though.&& I am absolutely envious of my friend Tyler Whitley. She has it all. Honestly. Her life is too great. I can say I would rather trade spots with her than with anyone else right now.

How does the weather make you feel today?It's dark out. I'm feeling alright.

What do you want right now?

The ability to be so intelligent that studying for the SATS would be a waste of my time. And I want my license. (November 9th.) My backhandspring and some random junk on fredflare.com. Ha.

Do you have a relationship with Christ?

Jesus is my boyfriend. I've come to learn that that's the only thing in my life that won't let me down. He's the most important boy in my life and will probably be the only important boy.

What do you like most about yourself?

I'm sweet.

What have you learned about yourself as of now?

Slightly naive and I can be too soft with certain people. Not a good thing. And also, cheerleading gives me the attention I like. One of the reasons why I'm not giving it up and continuing in college.

Who is the angel in your life?

Every single one of my friends. Both boys and girls... so beautiful they are.

Who is the most handsome guy you know?

My daddy.

What are you looking forward to?

Homecoming with Brody. :) Cheering at a football game. And the end of my research paper.

Who makes you laugh?

Brody Mingram. Ming. Mingram. Mingo Mango. :)

Do you believe in letting go?
I don't know how to answer this question...

Ever been used?
I think I'm being used right now. I cried about it earlier this week while I was studying for evil ex nun lady's vocabulary test. I can't ask right now if I'm wrong or not. I'm timing the whole situation. Then again, I a huge part of my heart knows that I am not being used and that it's the outsiders who are putting ideas in my head.

If you had a horse, what would you name him or her?
Titus. He will be my knight in shining armor.

Is anyone mad at you right now?
I hope not...

Do you believe in finding true love at a young age?
Of course I do. There is no "age" nor "timing" when you can fall for someone.

Do you want to write a book someday?
Oh for sure. I have big plans this year for this blog especially.

Do you wish you looked like someone else or are you satisfied with yourself?
Oh my gosh I would love to like the head cheerleader, Michelle Plumer. She is absolutely gorgeous, dear Lord. She's such a sweetheart and she has ALOT of brains too. I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but I won't call myself ugly.

Pink or red?
Pink. That has been my favorite color since kindergarten.

First bestfriend's name?
Natalia Paris and Hannah Frank. Natalia I met in preschool and we're still soul sisters. Hannah I met in kindergarten and we don't talk anymore. We just drifted off.

The HOTTEST male name ever?
Or names? Titus, Brody, Troy, and Adam.

Blue or green eyes?
Ocean blue. Gorgeous blue.

Favorite perfume or colonge?
Coco Chanel. And axe smells pretty good to me. :)

Your last text message says...?
"Oh yah it got canceled yesterday. :( so we're just gunna design it in 7th and 8th period so i'll b at lunch! :D- Evan

Tyra Banks or OrpahWinfrey?
TYRA BANKS.

Anyone's voice you want to hear really really badly right now?
Sophia Niccum.

What's happening tomorrow?
Red, White, Blue day at school for September 11. North game with Evan to visit old friends. Excited!!

Who do you facebook stalk? BE HONEST.
Oh Lord here we go...
1) Chris Angel(old boyfriend ha!)
2) Brody
3) Samir(BAHAHAHA)
4) Caroline (my sister)
5) Sophia :) LOL.
6)Stephanie Garcia
7)Annnd a bunch of other people.

Baseball or soccer?
NEITHER. Football, tennis, and all star cheerleading all the way...

How superficial are you? WITH YOURSELF.
I obsess over my teeth. Majorly. And my hair. I hate trying new things with my hair.

Got any online friends whom you've never met, but are your bestfriends?
Kimmy(one year), Kelcee(3 years), Dave(a month), and Sophia(It feels like forever!). :) But I've met every single one of them in my heart. So actually yes, I have met them.

Do you eat apples?
Organic! Daily.

Does your mom still pack your lunch?
Fo sho.

What should you be doing right now?
Going to sleep.

Songs you fall asleep to the most?
Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade, Red light by David Nail, and I Stay In Love By Mariah Carey.

Hold grudges?

No.

Attached

2009-08-23T19:28:00.002-04:00

Let's not get too close, shall we?
I get attached to people.
And I hate it.
I can almost see another disaster happening for me, I pray that I have the strength to stop myself from doing this to the next person. I don't want to hurt myself again. That wound was just too deep.
I'm very much attached to my sister, Caroline. We are thirteen months apart so we're really really close. She's my bestfriend. We are able to steal each other's clothes, makeup, ipods, etc without getting cross with each other. It's really nice. We are shopping and gym partners and we text each other too. I love her so much. She has two bestfriends, Karen and Winston and at times (I have to admit) I get jealous when she tells them secrets and stories that she hasn't told me yet. I know, I know. Ridiculous.

I finally got to see Brody Friday night. We had a really nice date. We were planning to eat out and see a movie, but time wouldn't allow it, so we watched a movie instead. District 9 was our first pick, but Brody has been"riding dirty" and forgot his id/license. He's not even seventeen yet, but he could pass for eighteen and he manges to get into R rated movies anytime. I didn't bother trying my permit, so we had no choice but to see Post Grad.(Which was BEYOND terrible.Waste of money.) Brody and I act like brother and sister rather than a "touchy-feely" couple,and I like that a whole lot. He makes me laugh so much and we're finally getting comfortable around each other. I can act anyhow without feeling stupid or embrassed like the previous dates. I really do like this boy. It's so touching how he actually wants to hear what I have to say. When the movie was about to start, he grabbed my hand and I immediately snuggled up to him and put my head on his shoulder. I love how we both have the same values-everything is just innocent. && as the movie progressed, Brody kissed my forehead. It was so sweet. I kissed him back on the cheek in response. Brody would kiss my forehead at random and just after I kissed him on the cheek, he turned his head and we melted into real kissing.
I honestly hate using the word,"making out" although it was more than a peck. But it was sweet kissing, gentle, and self-controlled , and we were still holding each other's hands. We actually kissed alot. :) It was really lovely. Although, I think( since we both had a little bit of a cough) I'm getting slightly sick. No, no, it's totally not mono. I've never gotten mono but I know it can get pretty serious. I'm feeling fine, just that my cough got slightly worse. Lucky Brody, his went away. HAHA. My friends and everyone else is waiting for us to stop dating and become official. It's been three months since we've started dating. I was actually hoping Brody would ask me to be his girl that very night after those kisses, but perhaps we are already official. We're not into anyone else but each other.
Sigh. I hate being a girl sometimes. You see all those crazy emotions I'm feeling about being kissed? Ha.
It's going to be so easy to get attached to this boy. Gosh, he makes me feel so pretty and comfortable and happy. "I haven't felt this way in such a long time..." I texted my "big sister" Stephanie Callahan. "Have you ever felt this way?" She repiled. This was something I didn't have to ponder for ages. "No, you're right Stephanie. I have never felt this way." And this is exactly what I fear.

Getting attached to this boy.

Because after kissing him "goodbye ,be safe", I realized that it didn't take alot for me to be hooked. I just don't want to lose my good grades and my focus on my SATS over a boy. I like the fact that Brody and I can go two days without communicating. Actually, maybe that's not a good thing. I don't know . I'm confused.

Nothing But A Catholic School Girl

2009-08-15T01:04:00.002-04:00

I love my school.
I have never ever risen from my bed, dreading another day of learning at my close-knit environment. It's really nice. I've gotten loads and loads of assignments to do... and my English teacher frightens me. Honestly. She gave us an essay test on the second day of school based on our summer reading. Talk about the WORST essay I have ever written. With books taken up the night before and having only twenty-five minutes to write, how can you write a decent piece? No matter, really. I have to get use to her, after all I am stuck with her all year.
Joy to my world?
She's an evil ex-nun lady. Yes, ex- nun. She had shut me down the other day. My face was burning and I was somewhat abashed, on the verge of tears. Anyway, the rest of my teachers are fairly nice. There's a nine page research paper coming up next week(yes, train wreck in my life.) and I'm feeling a little bit of college pressure and SAT's. I just cannot believe that I'm a junior- an upperclassmen. I've had cheerleading practice all week and I have gotten closer with my girls at school- Melanie 'Mel' Lane, Evan Parlato, and Savanna Chambers. Sadly, our girl Alexis Starr Love ( I just ADORE her name) left us to homeschooling. We miss her very much. It's actually not that strange that Lexi Love isn't with the school any longer. She was beginning to drift away to the "crowd" if you know what I mean. I really wish I was placed on the football squad instead of basketball. I would been cheering tonight at the scrimmage. I'm dying to know the score. Man, I love football. My Friday Night Lights.

Tonight has been terribly boring for me. I have no idea what my friends were doing... I am totally planless. I have misplaced my gym membership card and I'm angry. I still got to go in though. I'm so thankful for the gym. Gosh, I felt so gross. My body isn't use to not exercising everyday. Dang, I've got gymorexia. I'm convinced that school makes me gain weight. I do a whole lot of excess snacking while I'm studying and with four to six hours of sleep, I get super lazy. I am looking forward to next week. Field day, cheer big sister breakfast,(both on the same day. Friday. No classes) and more cheerleading physical training.

I hate having no weekend plans. I have to prepare for evil ex-nun lady's next essay test anyway. :/Brody had to cancel our lunch and mall concert date, because he is a leader for a spiritual retreat till Tuesday afternoon. I'm disappointed that I don't get to see him, but I am THRILLED that Brody is on fire with his faith and is willing to help younger kids serve the Lord in a powerful way. That is so admiring. I did a bit of facebook stalking on his page and found out that that really gorgeous blonde girl he hung out with not too long ago ,is with him on the retreat. For some odd reason, I felt a twinge of jealousy, totally hating on her golden blonde hair and bold, glittery, brown eyes. GRR....

He won't be back till Tuesday, but he will have his phone with him. I text Brody Kanye West lyrics every morning before school, just to brighten up his day. :) He loves Kanye. I used a really clever one the first time and it was perfectfor the time of day too: "Wake up Mr. West, Mr. West, Mr. Fresh Mr. by-his-self-he-so-impressed. Good morning hustlers, that's if you're still livin' get on down. Goodmoring. :D. He liked this one alot, and the second one I sent as well, but then he said that it was a waste of time for me to look up lyrics. "You gotta know the words." He had said. I'm a Kanye fan, but not that big of a fan. I don't know, sometimes the little things that I do for Brody just to be cute, he doesn't really feel as if he needs it. As in, he thinks he will burden me. But I think Brody appreciates it all the same. The boy doesn't understand that I have no trouble treating him. He even doesn't want me to pay for lunch, but I insisted. After all the crap I've said to him and causing our dating relationship more trouble, I've got to show that I honestly do feel for him. I want us to be love drunk for sure.
I'm exhausted.My summer late nights have ended dramatically. I retreat early.
Night.
:)
Oh, and before I forget, I will add new songs on here. I'm switching alot of them.Here are the following I will add:
-Red Light by David Nail(I normally don't like country, but wow this song is lovely. This is on my "for sleep"playlist.)
-Dreaming of You by Selena Quintanilla Perez(beautiful. on sleep playlist)
-I Want You-Janita
-Disappear-Beyonce(sleep playlist)
-"Human Nature-Michael Jackson (sleep playlist)
-Successful- Drake
-Homecoming-Kanye West
-Heaven by John Legend
-Sweet and Low by Augustana
-Such a State- By Edison Glass
-Sunday Morning-Maroon 5
-I Gotta Feelin'-Black Eyed Peas
-In the Rough- Anna Nalick(sleep playlist)
-Fall for you-Secondhand Serenade(My love. Also on "for sleep" playlist)
-Sound Of White-Missy Higgins(sleep playlist)
Keeping, "Clarity" , "Day N' Nite" (my summer songs)and "Best I Ever Had."

You know, I think I've changed this summer. I grew up... just a little.

Current Events

2009-08-09T23:52:00.000-04:00

Wednesday Night: Beyond Confusion
It was midnight when my phone rang. I was pacing around in my room, clad in my favorite yellow hoodie while clutching onto my teddy bear. I could scarcely breath- I was about to make a mistake. I prayed very hard for my heart to say the right things. I was trying very hard to trust the Lord to help me through the situation. I ended saying the wrong things and ended something that had the potential of becoming amazing and beautiful. Why? Because I was on the border of 'beyond confusion' and I wasn't even listening to God in the first place.I told Brody that I didn't want to date him anymore and that I just wanted soley for us to be friends. His voice reached a tone he has never used on me before... he was angry. "So, you're saying that we can't make this work?!"The call lasted for two miuntes and six seconds. I called Stephanie Callahan afterwards and laughed and chatted with her for an hour to keep my mind off Brody.
I went to bed feeling funny.

Thursday Night: Let's fix us.
I woke up the next moring feeling worse. I talked to Jessica and she told me to pray.And at the middle of the day, I texted Stephanie: Dear God... I think I made a mistake. If the Lord wanted me to end romantic terms with Brody, why was I feeling so terrible as if I really broke up with him? Beyond Confusion. Stephanie told me to think about what I wanted with Brody, then give him a call the next day. My heart was still hurting. That piece of advice just wasn't enough. The good feeling I felt after talking to Stephanie soon wore off when I began thinking about Brody's cute face.I contacted one of Brody's best friends, Stephanie Garcia. (She's close to me as well. ) She told me that couldn't talk to me at the moment because she was getting ready for Brody and their friends to come over.
My heart leapt. I was desperate for more advice. A few hours later, (and also talking to another friend)Stephanie Garcia called me. "What's wrong, Rose is it Brody? Yeah, he told me that you two aren't talking anymore! He was with the guys so he tried to act like he didn't care, but he does because, I looked at his face and he looked really confused. He said it was out of nowhere." After talking, I finally sent a Brody text. I couldn't call him. For one thing, the boy makes me say nonsense because, I'm so dang nervous around him and two, he was out and my friend Sarah had informed me that I should contact him as soon as possible. I shouldn't wait till tomorrow.
August 6,2009 10:53 PM.
I think I made a mistake last night and I can't get it out of my head. All that stuff I said last night was not right.I was just really confused and I'm so sorry. I honestly do like you and I want us to start over.
I sent the message and literally tossed my phone on my bed and raced out of my room. When I heard my phone go off, my heart was thumping against my chest. This mix-up made me realize how much I really do feel for Brody.
11:02pm
It's okay. You made a mistake and you learned from it, it's cool. =).
11:06pm
:) okay. So we're okay?
11:07pm
Ya it's fine. =)
Then after that, we just exchanged smilies. This is what I admire about Brody- he is very forgiving. He's so nice to me, my readers. I don't deserve him. I'm always saying crap and he still likes me. I can honestly see Jesus in his eyes, especially when he speaks to me. He has this soft expression... it's precious.

Friday Night: OH DEAR GOD...

I was really looking forward to this night. There was going to be The Atlanta Falcons Scrimmage at my old boyfriend's school. I love football and my sister were very excited. I was having a great day being out and enjoying the sun. When the time came for my sister and I to head over to the school, we had a little fear of bumping into my old boyfriend, Chris Angel. My sister harassed him on facebook after are very bad break-up. I haven't seen him since last October and in all honesty, I just didn't want to see him. Talk about a painful encounter. Anyway, the scrimmage was all fun and games. I made a new friend and Stephanie Garcia's cousin, Karen had joined me and my sister. We snapped shots of the totally hot quaterback, Matt Ryan and had a great time. Just about thirty miuntes left of the scrimmage, me, my sister, and Karen finally found decent spots on the bleachers. It was blazing hot and crowded. And to my slight shock, there was Chris Angel's father, sitting inches away from us. I turned back around and bit down my lip. No sign of Chris.

Good.

Twenty mintues passed. A decent amount of guys approach our side of the bleachers. The leader, I immediately recognized. It was Stephanie Callahan's boyfriend, Elton and... oh my God. I froze.

There right behind Elton was his gorgeous, well built, brown haired bestfriend. Samir.

OH HGCYTGUIOIKTD&^UIOL?!!! DEAR LORD.

I was still wearing my sun shades, but Samir glanced at me and I knew he was getting a little questionable on who I was.My heart was literally pounding. Samir and his friends sat right next to us. I could not believe it. Not wanting to stir up anything, I fumbled through my bag and sent a text to my sister who was sitting right behind me with Karen. I turned to her and when she read the text, she swore aloud and looked at me increduously, speaking in a low, urgent, voice. "WHAT?! SAMIR?!" How is this possible?! Out of all the seats... oh my God. This is definitely like The Hills." You know it's ironic? We went to the doctor's and saw his football recogniciton in a magazine and then we passed by his school on the way here!" I vowed to keep my shades on, but Samir knew it was me. I took them off.He kept glancing over. I couldn't watch the scrimmage and I knew he couldn't either. This was definitely a scene from The Hills. Friday night was definitely the worst awkward encounter I have ever had. My sister and Karen told me that I should just say hi and get it over with. My sister suggested a text. I contacted Elton's girlfriend first and she was not at all shocked. "They knew you were going to be there, Rose. Just say hi to them! Don't be a wus. Elton is asking if you're wearing a stripped shirt." Siging in defeat, I sent a Samir a text. Omg are you at the Falcon's Scrimmage?! I'm sitting right near you, wearing a stripped shirt.

I selected the 'send' button and I watched Samir take out his phone. He looked at the message and MOVED SEATS.

What. A. Jerk.

His friend moved along with him and I got up and greeted Elton. He greeted me warmly with a hug. "You didn' say hi to Samir?" He asked, questionably. I smiled. My sister and Karen got up from their seats too. "Oh my gosh, Rose I feel really awkward for you." My sister said with a pained expression. "What a jerk. He knows its you. Really obvious now." I sighed and I looked at him. Man. He was beautiful. I looked at my girls. "I'm going. Please come with me though, this is too much." But they immediately ditched me and I was left by myself. "Hey Samir!" I called. He turned. "Hey, what's up?" He checked me out and gave me a hug. He wasn't smiling nor looking me in the eye. "Nothing," I repiled, shyly hoping I wasn't looking too disgusting. He nodded."Nothing?" Samir looked at his phone and in an innocent tone he noted,"Oh you texted me."
Wow, jerk you think I'm an idoit? I SAW you taking out your phone and reading message AS SOON AS I had sent it. "Yeah!" I laughed. Then, Samir nodded and turned his back on me.

Jerk. Jerk. He's still mad and upset about me choosing Brody over him. He had messaged me on facebook, "jokingly accusing" me of not wanting to speak with him anymore and he just kept burning me over and over on the littlest things. Samir even had the audacity to say,"So, how's it goin with your man?" I know his feelings are hurt, but I don't think it's fair to me, if he acts like a jerk and try to make me feel terrible for my decision. I was being honest. "He's just mad at you and jealous of Brody, Rose." My sister had said. But you know what? He needs to get over himself, really. Just because you're hot football player, doesn't mean you get what you want. Samir's just the typical hotshot jock. He's not use to a lot of girls turning him down." Sometimes, the whole "honesty is the best policy thing" doesn't treat others very well. After my painfully awkward greeting with Samir, Elton had sensed the tension and gave me company. My sister and Karen were busy gawking at Matt Ryan, fighting their way to get his autograph. When the autograph signing was over, there were fireworks and sweet commotion. When the whole event was over, Samir kept his eye on me. My sister had noticed that. I just could not believe we bumped into him. The encouter was very terrible. I am so glad I didn't bump into Chris on top of that. Chris wrote on my wall on facebook that night, asking if I were at the game.

Gosh, never again. Seriously. Bumping into Samir at the gym would of been less severe... he had even watched me leave.

Dear Lord...

Now: Summer's End

I have Cheerleading practice all week( so demanding. ruined ALL of my plans yesterday.) Orientation is on Tuesday, and then classes start on Wednesday. JUNIOR YEAR, AW MAN HERE WE GO.

I'm enjoying my last late nights and freedom. I'm going to the park for icecream tomorrow and dance in the sun. Summer's goregous. I don't want her to leave me.

My Summer '09 Music Playlist

1) Day N' Nite-Kid Cudi

2)Starstrukk-30h3

3)Boom Boom Pow-Black Eyed Peas

4) Best I Ever Had-Drake

5)Successful-Drake

6)Clarity-John Mayer

7) In Your Bedroom-Cash Cash

8)The Birds- The Starting Line

9)Fire Burning On the Dance Floor-Sean Kingston

10)Seventeen-Metro Station

11)American Boy-Estelle feat. Kanye West

12) Ego-Beyonce ft. Kanye West

13) All Michael Jackson songs :)

14) The Fray's new abulm

15) More but I can't think of them.

Update Friday night! I've got a date with Brody Saturday. I'm excited. I think I may kiss him... :) and hold his hand just to know that I WILL be his girl.

You think you know me? Rose Valentine Part 4

2009-08-04T02:52:00.003-04:00

Interesting Facts & Truths
1. I keep my Blackberry on literally 24/7. If something happens, I want to be there for that person. My sleep comes last.
2.Celery is NOT my friend. Even with peanut butter.
3.I entered highschool as a totally different person. Now, I can't even recognize myself-inside and out.
4.I have a secret identity. Yes, really I am not even joking.
5.I want to attend Colombia University and cheer there.
6. I want to become a trial lawyer
7. I like nice, expensive, things. I don't know why. I just like sophisticated things, restaurants, houses, L.A...
8.I wanted to become a movie star all throughout elementary. I can't act, so that dream is long gone.
9.I use to be a crazed obsessive Harry Potter fan. It's actually pretty scary. I am no longer like that.
10.Jacksonville Florida Native. And my parents are from Ghana, West Africa.
11.I met my grandpa for the first time at age 13.
12.I feel pressured easily.
13. I want to marry young, but not too young. I want to get my career and dreams in order first before I settle down.
14. I am bashful a lot of the times, especially with adults. Painfully so.
15. Whenever I talk to an amazingly attractive person, I can't look at them in the eye. Maybe it's my insecurity...?
16.I fear of getting into an abusive relationship. I've been told that I give people too many chances to mess with me and I ignore redflags in general. I am blinded by the goodness in every being.
17.When it comes to breaking off friendships or any type of relationships, I don't care how I feel.I worry myself sick of how the other person is going to feel or react. I'm changing that.
18.I have self-respect. To an extent.
19. I don't cry alot. I am generally a very happy person. Always always always laughing.
20. I talk really loud. My mom complains all the time.
21. My voice gets higher whenever I'm talking to boys that I like and adults. Weird.
22.I've had a slight (emphasis on 'slight') panic attack before. Literally for about a minute, I could not breath. It was a night before a very important Geometry exam and I was freaking out because I couldn't figure out just one problem.
23.I've always loved football, but I'm just now learning how to actually watch the game. Funny.
24. Diamonds.
25. White roses. Because it signifies purity.
26. I wear make-up to the gym. What a waste right? Only once have I entered Lifetime Fitness with absolutely no trace of make-up on my face. Once.
27.I have a rebellious streak when it comes to certain rules in the house. Specifically the dating rules.
28.Anger is not a bad thing. Jesus got angry. I don't like anger. Yelling, shouting, cursing... all not necessary at all. I'm calm most of the time.
29.I like making people signs, cards, baking cookies, etc for absolutely no reason. I love gift-giving. If I had the money, I would always buy my friends gifts.
30.I really like Hollister but I hardly have any money to get an outfit from there.
31. I still sleep with a teddy. He wears a purple sweater and its name is 'Brody Bear.' No, he is not named after Brody. I've had him long before I met my Brody. I really like that name. I've always had.
32. I hate grinding and dirty dancing. I refuse to do it.
33. In eighth grade, I read the dictionary. Yep, I read it. Not all of it, but tons. Then whenever someone insulted me, I would use big words as a weapon. That caught people off guard and they would just give me puzzled looks. Worked all the time. :)
34.Very heavy addiction to the mall. It bothers Brody, ha. Most of the time, I don't buy anything- I just want to be there. Besides it's Georgia. What is there to do?
35. I live in Georgia, but I'm not a fan of it. Although, downtown Atlanta is pretty awesome. I love the city life.
36. Busyness= happiness for me. Bordeom kills me. Really.
37. I'm 5"2.
38. I don't like Twilight... at all.
39. I have a short attention span when it comes to soccer and baseball.
40. Organic food
41. Started writing at age nine.
42.I haven't hosted many sleepovers. My mom gets touchy about it because everything has to be spotless and perfect before anyone walks in. Haha she's kind of snooty.. especially when it comes to houses.
43. When I was little, my sister and I were afraid of the tooth fairy. We slept in the bathroom one time.
44.I've only been to ONE concert. The Fray, June 12 2009.
45.Actually got kissed for the very first time when I was in elementary school. I erase that from my past and say that my real kiss was at 15. :)
46. I facebook stalk a ton of people.
47.I feel like everyone is growing up a lot faster than I am and that I'm falling behind. So I'm beginning to feel like I have to rush too.
48.Never been in a real relationship
49. I actually like it when people blow up my phone... well depending on who it is.
50.I like attention.
51. I am obsessed with brushing my teeth. I brush my teeth for five minutes everyday, three times.
52. I get my hair done every month.
53. I use to loathe my body. In middle school, all the other girls developed much faster than me and the guys made fun of my flat chest. I use to stuff my bra and feel so insecure. It was awful. Now, I don't even care about my breast size and I got involved in cheerleading and working out. I love my body.
54. This is not the end.

I love my sister

2009-08-03T02:09:00.001-04:00

My sister Caroline Valentine, is getting confirmed in the name of Jesus on 25th of September and this is one of the most important days of her life. I am simply looking for letters that include affirmation, love, and support for this very special girl. The letter does not have to be super long, just full of love. :) Please, I will need your letters by August 14, via emaill at jesusinyoureyes@gmail.com. Thankyou so much! Please write to her, lol. She needs about five letters. Caroline would really appreciate it. :) We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. Love can come from a stranger.

Summer 2010 We Begin Again

2009-08-02T12:48:00.003-04:00

Summer '09 is over, but I've got new plans for a new summer.
1. Staying up all night with Jesus

2.Tumbling on the beach

3.Writing project(Big plans coming soon)

4.College Tours and SATS(Oh Lord.)

5.Friends & dates

6. Working out

7.Surfing lessons

8.Grow out my hair

9.Warped Tour (16th anniversary. I HAVE to go)

10.Camp Covecrest (Sept. '08 my life changed... for good)

11. Ghana & England :D

12. Youth Group actitivites

13. Blogging. :)

14.Shopping Sprees

15.Lots of driving and hangouts. I would have my license for a while by then.

16.Park music festivals

17. Staying up till 4am on the phone with someone special

18.Summer Parties

19. Cheer camp

20. Movies, movies, movies

21.Soccer World Cup! (Right? hahah. I actually don't watch soccer, but I'm Ghanian and we have a good soccer team)

22.NBA (woo. Lakers. Gonna make it far, with Kobe.)

23. Watch football

24.Music. New Music.

25.Adventures. :D

26. Annual road trip to D.C

27. Aww senior pictures.

28.The Man Hunt 2010.

29. ATL First Annual Love March(This is a major project that I am planning to create. I will post tomorrow.)

30. Be happy!
31. Bonfires
32. More fun! yay

School starts on August 12. Uh. No. :( My school uniform is so loose, because half the time this summer I was working out. I have to find my shoes, my bookbag, reuseable binders and supplies, and ribbons. My summer is over now, because I have cheerleading stuff at school now. My last weekend of the summer is already taken up. GREAT. I am dreading junior year. At my school, it's a killer. The only things I'm looking forward to is, FOOTBALL SEASON,(I hope my school does well this year) CHEERING, license, car, and prom.

I just want to throw my heart in the garbage

2009-07-30T02:25:00.001-04:00

My face is wet.
I told Redlight goodbye. Well, I wouldn't say goodbye. I still feel for him, but there were redflags and of course... there's Brody. I can't handle " just talking" to two guys. I felt like I was playing Brody when everyone said I wasn't. I can't help it. I feel like I'm tied down to Brody, although we are not in a relationship. Samir and I never went on a date, but he treated me like I was his girl and admittedly, I adored it. Brody has never made me feel that way and that's fantastic. Why? Because, we're both trying to be patient and let friendship grow before we call each other "baby". We're brother and sister in Christ and that's what is good for us. Samir makes me feel wanted. He wanted to know my heart inside and out He even told me himself. "I want to spend the whole day with you, Rose." Samir was so sweet to me, oh honestly he gave me crazy butterflies. And those good morning texts too. Wow. He was always thinking of me. I'm not use to that kind of treatment. It feels so good and so- so wrong. But, I did the right thing by being honest with Samir. Stephanie Callahan even told me that Samir wasn't good for me and I saw those redflags. Samir is charming, but he has his little dirty jokes that scare the crap out of me. I am beginning to think that Samir's sweet ways were sincere but also a way to tempt me. When Stephanie told him that I am an innocent girl, his immediate response was, "I can change that."

I remember my heart skipped a couple of beats. "Remember he's a guy, Rose and a lot of guys think it's fun to change an innocent girl." Stephanie expressed to me through a text.My eyes widened with sudden fear. "Um that scares me. I replied. "I don't want him to hurt me." "Oh I didn't mean it like that Rose, Samir said he won't do you wrong." Redflag number one. Redflag number two was the dirty jokes. Emphasis on the dirty.
Samir:"You can do chores for me and I'll pay. My chores are funner if you know what I mean. lol."
Me: No response.
Samir:"I was kidding."
Yesterday...
Samir:"So what you doin?"
Me:" Breakfast time haha."
Samir: "Hahahah save me some you can feed me."
Me:"yeah... hahaha."
Samir: "Oh yeah I likey."
Me: "chyeah...."
Samir:"Then I can feed you and then we could make out. lol."
Whoa.
Me: "No...."
Samir:"Lol... you suck."
A while ago...
Samir:"Can you do me a favor?"
Me:"What?"
Samir:"Send me a pic so I can see how cute you really are."
At first, I was wondering if he was just being creepy or... I don't know. He was being really presistent, so on Monday I sent him a headshot I had taken in May for Brody. He sent me one in return and he is as gorgeous as he looks on facebook and how Stephanie describes him. (They're friends by the way. They've hung out a lot of times.)
Anyway, Stephanie said that Samir and I aren't really good for each other and that I should continue to talk to Brody. "He seems right, Rose.She said."And really, you can't handle "just talking "to two guys, so end it with Samir." Of course, I started freaking out, fearing of hurting him. He even asked me out on a date with Stephanie and her boyfriend. Samir had sent me a text saying, "Baby" and I responded with this. "Samir. I like you, but I was talking to someone before you and I'm starting to like him more... I'm sorry."
"Hahaha it cool lol."
?
I started to cry because I was expecting the worst. I was expecting him to swear and get upset because according to Steph and his actions, he really likes me. And to my utter shock, he quickly changed the subject! "So what you doin?" I repiled, "Oh okay ha. I'm just chilling. How about you?"
"Yeah none just got done running for punishment lol... you broke my heart just kidding lol."
"Oh my gosh!" I exclaimed and feverishly wrote back,"Oh my gosh Samir stop it. I'm really sorry..."
"I'm kidding. I promise. Chill." Tears started coming again. I honestly don't cry a lot and tonight, I felt like I just needed a good cry. I sent him a simple, "okay." and then he asked me if I were alright because Steph told him I was about to cry. "No not really. I typed, glumly. "But whatever ha."
"Why you not ok?"
I hesitated to reply truthfully. But I soon recognized that with Samir, I have no problem being open and honest. So I said this:"Because I thought I was going to hurt you and I absolutely hate hurting people and um I don't know..."
"I'm not hurt. I promise. Dont' worry." And I can feel the sincerity.
I feel awful. Yesterday, when I was about to lie (yes, lie) to Brody about me just wanting to be friends with him (because I beginning to feel so sure and mixed up with Samir) I had this sick feeling that I was about to lose something good, so I stopped myself. It was God. I've been praying about me and Brody for a very long time. The whole summer really... then here came Samir. I thought that he treats me better than Brody. I feel like Brody will never give me that attention and those feelings. Samir wants to know my heart. He wants to be with me. He showed it and even Steph implied it."He said that he thought he had you, Rose."
Hm.
I'm okay now. After writing all this down.
I cried because I want Brody to show me that he wants me the same way Samir does. The good morning texts, the sweet talk, 4 am talks, expressing the desire to see me, etc. Make me feel special. But do friends do that? Brody is right for me. The laidback, decent looking, basketball guy whom I can connect with through Christ. And Samir-the hotshot, gorgeous, Bosnian football star who is a very smooth talker. His words can make any girl melt. What a tempting offer.
But no.
The funny thing is, I feel like I didn't lose this time. Samir is not for me.
Honestly... my heart belongs in the garbage.

Redlight

2009-07-29T00:41:00.002-04:00

That's me. I don't like this picture. Anyway...
Everything is just fine now, although I'm feeling pretty sad.
I ate a box of junior mints and fell asleep for about an hour. Didn't help.
I was so very close to losing something so good, but "when I caught myself, I had to stop myself, from saying something that I should of never thought."(lyrics from Paramore. Fit perfectly for this situation)
Told you. I can't stand myself.
I didn't lose Brody. In fact, we're pretty much defined. In other words, he has feelings for me and we're still going to go on dates. "You're the girl that I like..." He's such a sweet person, that Brody Mingram. He honestly does care and I am so thankful for him. "I just don't wanna rush stuff. You know that's never good." I treat Brody like a big brother. We haven't kissed yet- I adore friendship. && I really want to see him, more than ever before. Summer is almost over...
I want to say more about this, but I think this topic is becoming such a bore to you readers that I'm going to put a stop to this. Time to talk of something new. Just to let you know, a redlight is flashing in my life right now. Not giving out names yet, but I have to watch out for myself.
I went outside a lot today and I spoke to God aloud. I left my Blackberry inside the house, because I was certain it was going to distract me. My "redlight" constantly blows up my phone. Today, I thought I was going to scream. Redlight is nice to talk to, but I don't like having my Blackberry by me all the time. Sometimes, I just like to toss it on my bed and spend some time doing something else. Redlight gets impatient and sends me more than one message. It's fine really... redlight just needs someone to talk to. I honestly think I'm too available. Can you blame me though? With no job nor car what am I to do? It feels nice to have someone who always wants to talk to you... not unless they're a redlight.

Tonight...

2009-07-28T10:07:00.000-04:00

I've got a feelin'

Whoo

That tonight's gonna be a bad, bad, night.

For real... I can't believe I have to do this. I'm not even sure how Brody Mingram feels for me, but... dang. I am so confused. I mean, Brody and I are just friends, but I feel like I'm tied down to him some how. Our communciation is way off. Why am I questioning myself if he sees in me in a romantic light like he did at the beginning of summer? As you readers know, I've met someone else and I refuse, I refuse, I refuse, I refuse, I refuse, to date two guys. Heck no, forget it. I'm not playing anybody. Brody asked me when we were hanging again and I had to think before I had to respond to that simple text. Hanging as friends? Sure. Brody, oh my goodness WHATAREWE? I'm not attracted to him anymore. And I've got to tell him. I've met someone else you know... someone who actually wants to talk to me, spend a whole day with me... Brody never put in any effort nor showed that he cared. And come to think of it, I've never feel breathless or butterflies fluttering in my stomach for him anymore. It's all Samir. After that whole,"Dude, you never call me" situation Brody and I had a month ago, he STILL doesn't call me. Obviously, He doesn't care. We've had that discussion three times... I'm just falling for Samir and it's so ridculous too. This is the way I feel, I cannot help it.

Gosh, I cannot bear to lose Brody Mingram or hurt him for that matter. I can't stand myself. "Rose, you're not going to hurt him! Stephanie Callahan exclaimed to me last night. "He had his chance and he blew it! Like, all summer!" "Yeah, Rose my sister added. "You haven't done anything wrong by talking to Samir. It's not like Brody is your boyfriend, you just gotta tell him that you don't feel the same way anymore and you've met someone else." I'm all about honesty. I've got to tell Brody tonight.

Oh gosh I don't want to hurt him. Why can't I get scorned?

I'm going to talk to Melanie Lane about this, because she knows more about Brody and I then anyone else. Then... I'll call him. You know, a part of me feels like I shouldn't have to tell Brody anything. We're just friends right? Why must I tell him I like someone else if we're just friends?

Girl, you know you two exchanged feelings.

Yeah, at the beginning of summer.

What if he still likes you like that?

If he does, then he doesn't show it. Like, no one can tell. Not even Stephanie Garcia.

Rose, wait a mintue-
WHY are you always telling me to wait? Listen, I know how Brody acts. He never really showed he cared nor put in any effort. Who was the one making the phone calls, the dates- the effort? Me. I feel like I've been chasing after him all summer, wasting my time with a guy who probably isn't that interested in me. There's a guy who is actually interested in me, girl... he wants to know my heart. He said so.

Those Darn Traffic Lights

2009-07-27T11:45:00.003-04:00

Honestly, this nonsense is distracting me from everything else. And as usual, I overreact. When problems and tricky situations arise, I naturally freak out. I don't know how to relax, in general.
Rose, quit freaking out. Ha. I'm always reprimanded. One of my many flaws.
I fear of hurting someone.
I just want, crave, dream, and hope for one thing... a relationship. A guy whose's crazy about me, simply crazy. Admire. Love. Cherish. Respect.
Rose, you're 16.
So?
Just forget it. You've got plenty of time.
Yeah well, that doesn't defy my desire to be wanted. I want someone to actually want me.
Is that wrong?
Can I like, stop caring now? Why can't I stop caring? Indepedence is great. I've been on my own for eight and half months now. No, let's search deeper than that- I have never been in a real relationship. You know, when the other person actually cares for me? Yeah, that's right. Rose Valentine is better off on her own. Don't you agree? Time to focus on my dreams, my education, and most importantly keeping the green light on God. Love can wait. && you know what? Love is going to be waiting for a long time.
Ever had that sick feeling, that agonizing feeling that your heart's warning you about something?
Redlight. Redlight. Redlight.
I think someone's trying to use me. Oh, naive me. I usually don't trust my instincts. My exscuse,"Oh me? I'm just overacting."
Tears and tissues.
I hope I'm wrong.
Yellow light.
Slow down, Rose. Wait a mintue. Just think.
"Nah, I'm going. Sorry, but I think you're wrong."
Rose, it's a freaken redlight. Stop already.
"Can you just trust me? I know what I'm doing."
You can't let crap happen to you like this, Rose.
"Who says that I do? I told you enough times already. I know what I'm doing.
Fine. I hope you brought some bandages for your heart.

Oh Whoa There

2009-07-26T14:19:00.005-04:00

I think love attraction is very strange, complex, and absolutely out of order. A mess.
A hot, beautiful, mess, you know the kind of mess everyone wants to get into. And No one offers to clean up at the end. It was so late that night. At four am in the morning, I was still awake... not talking to Brody. What? Not Brody? No, not Brody. I honestly don't know what's with us lately. I mean, we were never in a relationship, but the attraction is dying out. He just doesn't care. He STILL hasn't called me, because he insists in texting and when was the last time he asked me out? Oh yeah, exactly one month ago.I've invited him on two double dates and plans seem to fall out anyway, because the other couple always end up cancelling. I'm not trying to sound like a demanding person, but if you have feelings for someone, shouldn't you make an effort? Let me be honest here. When Stephanie Garcia paired us up, I was suddenly beginning to feel pressured, not by her but really by myself. (Does that make sense?) In other words, I feel like we were forcing the attraction. Sure there were times when we did show our feelings but, I can't even tell you if Brody Mingram actually does have feelings for me. He's such a nice guy though and he's fun to be around with. But, I'm chasing after something that shouldn't happen. Besides, he's been hanging out with a really gorgeous blonde girl so... there you go. I've been praying to God about Brody... and I've got my answer.

Love has a very strange attraction.

I met this boy who makes me smile, no not smile... beam. And I'm falling so fast for him, my readers you don't even know. My heart races and I'm feeling all flustered and giddy and insane as I'm explaining this random, totally wild attraction that I have for Samir Mustafic. He is an exceedingly handsome, Bosnian sweetheart who makes me feel so special. I mean dang,what is this craziness? Up at four am? And oh my, oh my, the way he speaks to me is just... wow. "You two are complete opposites, Rose! Stephanie Callahan exclaimed. "But he really likes you. I thought he was kidding, but he's actually serious. He wants to kiss you."

"Does he really? Girl, this is all moving too fast!"

"I mean, oh my gosh I can't believe this is happening yall don't even know each other!"

I stiffened a little. "Well, yeah true."

"I feel really awkward right now."

I let out a little laugh and smiled. "Aww..."

"I'll come around, hahaha. Just... take it real slow with him okay? Man this is crazy!"

Samir is one of Stephanie's best friends as well as her boyfriend's. (Elton, is his name). I really just want to be "romantic friends" with him as I was with Brody, but this instant attraction that Samir and I have for each other is developing into more than friendship. He likes you, Rose because he said that you're different and he wants to try something new, like he respects your purity and innocence... and he just wants to see what happens.

Text Messages(not in any particular order)

Samir:"Aww."

Me:"Aww what?"

Samir:"I wanna chill with you."

Samir:"I hate being in North Carolina."

Me:" LOL cheer up you're coming home tomorrow."

Samir: "No, I wanted to spend the day with you."

Samir:"Loser."

Me:"Hahaha what?! I thought you were sleeping!"

Samir:"I thought so too, but I was thinkin of you."

Samir:"Guess what?"

Me:"What??"

Samir:"I like talkin to you."

Me:"Aww. Why?"

Samir:"I don't know, because you listen and your honest and everything..."

Me: "Food is the best."

Samir:Yeah, but it's not better than me."

Me:"Well, you're right about that one. :)"

Samir:"Aw you're sweet..."

Samir:"How many boyfriends have you had?"

Me:"One."

Samir:"Daang, seriously?"

Me:"Yes, is that bad or something?"

Samir:"No, you're just too cute to just have one boyfriend."

Me:"Say something in Bosnian."

Samir: "Ja mislim Rose Valenine je ljepa u slatka. :)"

Me: "Translate." :)

Samir:"Nope, you gotta figure it out yourself."

Me:"I think I have an idea."

Samir:"Well it says to me that I think that Rose Valentine is beautiful and sweet :)."

"And Rose, just keep in mind that you're not the only one he's talking to." And I have to admit, At first I was like ,"Oh dang it." Hahha. "Yeah, Elton said that he's talking to some college chick."And... there is one problem. One major problem- well, maybe problem is not a nice word to use... Stephanie said this to me last night. "Rose, you two are opposites. He's Muslim, and you're Christian. You're so religious and He cusses like every two seconds." Well, he doesn't swear that much around me anyway...
My heart did something funny."Wait, he's not Christian?"
"No, Rosalina he's Bosnian remember? They're Muslims. But, don't tell him that I told you that, because it would be like I'm turning you off and I want you two to get to know each other."
I knew that.
Seriously, I knew that he wasn't Christian at the beginning. Stephanie would always come to school talking about Samir and she mentioned that he was Muslim. I was just lying to myself the whole time that it wasn't true, because I can see myself with Samir, but spiritually...
It won't be there. And spiritual connection is what I crave for the most. More than the good morning text messages he sends me, the way he talks to me... anything.I mean, I have nothing against his religion at all. I honestly don't, it's just that Samir is interested in me-after all he asked me about my relationship past and asked if I were looking for a relationship... I can't just shut him off. He treats me too well. I mean, we don't have to be in a relationship, we could be just friends. That's perfectly fine. I'm just saying that, if he wants to be in a relationship with me, it's going to be a spiritual struggle... in other words it wouldn't work. Friendship? Why yes of course. I am not prejudice.
"Just see what happens, Rose. Have fun, and... you never know."